Mother didn't turn up for birth - am I right to be angry?

[ShouldIBeUpset]

This happened a while ago but I still feel quite upset and angry about it. In brief:

Me expecting 4th DC. Mother agreed to travel down from her home 5 hours away to look after my 3 older DC while I give birth. I go overdue and eventually induction is agreed for the following day.

I inform DM. It is a weekend so its fine for my stepfather to drive her down. I only expect help for the period I am actually giving birth so DH can be with me and we know DC are safe. Maximum of 24 hours. A previous pregnancy resulted in the neonatal death of DD2 so gibing birth is quite triggering for me which DM knows.

DH took me to hospital and left to come back at visting time with DC. Induction takes off quite quickly and by the end of visiting time I am in full blown labour. DH has to leave to take DC home hoping DM will turn up at any minute. She's not answering phone and should have left in the morning. Its 8pm by this time.

I end up giving birth alone as DH can't come back due to DM not arriving. Labour was very quick.

The next morning DM texts to say they arrived the evening before but they were tired so booked into a hotel!

I tell her that I am about to be discharged so will see her at my house. They turned up for 30 mins max, refusing a cup of tea and a hold of snuggly baby, saying they had to get a move on to get to my younger sisters to babysit for her (I live on the way down to sister's).

She thinks because all was OK, this was perfectly fine BTW!

This is awful 😢

Have you spoken to her about this?
I don't think I would be able to get past it to be honest.

I really do feel for you! you had to give birth on your own and your mum betrayed you like that!!
I don't think I could forgive her. Her behaviour states something very uncomfortable to me.
Does she not get that what she did is very hurtful??

I feel for you. I really do. I had a similar problem with my DM.
I'd been hospitalised prior to my 2ndDC. My parents had come down to visit - 5 hr drive too. When it was clear I needed a c section I asked DM to stay on and look after my 2yr old.
She came up with all sorts of excuses that she couldn't possibly stay. My 2yr old was in nursery so it's not like she had to do very much.....
I'm not sure what's worse not turning up or just a load of bulls* excuses to the face. I think it shows how vulnerable we are. I'm sure that normally I'd have been really angry. What I did do is let my anger fester - don't do this. Calmly tell her your disappointment/hurt/anger. Took me too long to do and really wasn't good for my mental health. Talk it out before it gets to the point of shouting out her crap behaviour. I accept that my DM is hopeless - and it was the trigger for remembering a whole load of let downs. Having kids really makes you look back at your own parents. Don't let this have a negative impact on you - I know how it hurts, but focus on how you're not going to be like your own DM. You are better than her. xx

I wouldn’t be able to get past this, there is no excuse for this level of let down

Very sorry that this happened.

Frankly words fail me - unless she is really quite old and it was all too much ?

Im not sure I'd ever forgive her

That's pretty low. I'm not sure I could forgive that.

Congratulations on the birth of your new baby!

And I'm not sure I could ever forgive such selfishness. It's disgusting.,

What a bitch. Why would she do that.

So sorry this happened and for your loss.

I couldn’t forgive this, it’d be the last time I saw her. Congratulations on the safe arrival of your little one despite the shitty circs.

I think your Mum has a massive cheek. I tell her to get lost. This is just mean treatment.

My Mum just said no when I asked her if she would look after DS1 when I had DD (elective section so no rushing over in the middle of the night or long drawn out labour, it would have been about 5 hours).

"DH will just have to miss the birth," she breezed "They always did in my day."

Luckily DSis came and looked after him.

I have never mentioned it. It's just how she is.

(She also refused to meet me in a town equidistant to us both when not-yet-walking DD had broken a tooth and had emergency appointment, dentist was up 2 flights of stairs. Just flat out no. "Too much" apparently. Then a couple of months later she regaled me with what a lovely time she had meeting my cousin in the same time for a cup of coffee. I said something then and was met an incredulous brush off.

I do love her though. But I am used to these disappointments. Now I never ask her for anything. TBH I had already got to the point of never asking her but both times above I was desperate.

Anyway not trying to make it all about me, I was just posting to say that you don't have to go no contact, I'm not sure it would help you feel any better. If she is like my Mum she will never 'get' why you are upset because she can't imagine anyone thinking she has behaved badly or let them down.

Jesus. I have no words.

You poor love. So sorry for your loss. Posts like this make me wish there was a Mumsnet taskforce so we could mobilise troops when shitbag DM DH DW etc let us so badly down and send someone out to provide support as required. To let you believe she'd be there then not bother is a NC worthy crime.

That is unforgivable. At the very least, she could have told you she was unavailable so you could make alternative arrangements. I’d go NC.

So awful I can barely believe it !

My parents drove across the country ( South Wales to Norfolk ) 3 days before DC2 was born ( as DC1 was 3 days early )

The baby was 5 days late , they stayed the whole time , and for the first 2 days to give us a hand

They were self employed , and lost all that work. Just to help , and be with their daughter and grandchildren

I would find that very hard to forgive

Fucking. Hell.

For me, there'd be no walking back from that. They breezed in for 30 mins, and then went to baby sit for your sister? What did you even say to that?

I'm sorry for the loss of your daughter. Congratulations on the birth of your new baby. Hope they, and you, are doing well.

She has forfeited right to see grandchildren at all. That is an apbsolutely appalling dereliction of duty. No more grandkids contact for her.

5 hours drive is quite some distance, if they were tired and knew you were safely at the hospital with medical staff and your older 3 with your DH I don’t think it was that unreasonable for them to book in to a hotel for the night ready to help the next morning if needed.
Yes but DM was supposed to be looking after the kids while DH was with OP giving birth! OP didn't say 'please pop down to help out the following day' - she wanted DH at the birth and therefore someone needed to be with the other children.
Completely unreasonable of DM. I'd be livid.

I don't think I would ever forgive but I did think same as a pp. Is her partner /whoever she drove down and checked into the hotel with a controlling arse? It's no excuse at all but if she's normally a decent person the guilt might be why she couldn't cuddle your DD since she was let down aswell.
Either way, I'm so sorry for your previous loss and congratulations on your new daughter!

It seems awful and weird. Why drive 5 hours but then not come and help? And not spend any time with the baby. Very strange.

Unforgivable. So sorry OP

My parents dropped everything and drove 500 miles to look after dd when I was in labour with ds.

Your parents are complete arses. And they didn't even have a cuddle of your gorgeous new baby! Weird, disappointing and bizarre.

Congrats on your new bundle!

Congrats on your baby. Enjoy the cuddles.
As for your mum, how are you supposed to swallow that? I couldn't. Sorry she was so shitty x x