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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother didn't turn up for birth - am I right to be angry?

166 replies

ShouldIBeUpset · 25/01/2018 16:53

This happened a while ago but I still feel quite upset and angry about it. In brief:

Me expecting 4th DC. Mother agreed to travel down from her home 5 hours away to look after my 3 older DC while I give birth. I go overdue and eventually induction is agreed for the following day.

I inform DM. It is a weekend so its fine for my stepfather to drive her down. I only expect help for the period I am actually giving birth so DH can be with me and we know DC are safe. Maximum of 24 hours. A previous pregnancy resulted in the neonatal death of DD2 so gibing birth is quite triggering for me which DM knows.

DH took me to hospital and left to come back at visting time with DC. Induction takes off quite quickly and by the end of visiting time I am in full blown labour. DH has to leave to take DC home hoping DM will turn up at any minute. She's not answering phone and should have left in the morning. Its 8pm by this time.

I end up giving birth alone as DH can't come back due to DM not arriving. Labour was very quick.

The next morning DM texts to say they arrived the evening before but they were tired so booked into a hotel!

I tell her that I am about to be discharged so will see her at my house. They turned up for 30 mins max, refusing a cup of tea and a hold of snuggly baby, saying they had to get a move on to get to my younger sisters to babysit for her (I live on the way down to sister's).

She thinks because all was OK, this was perfectly fine BTW!

OP posts:
NorthernLurker · 25/01/2018 23:08

That's awful op. I know a woman whose inlaws crossed the Atlantic at a days notice so they could be on hand to baby sit their grandchildren when a baby was due and for various reasons nobody else was available. That's just what families do. I'm very sorry she let you down.

Pinga · 25/01/2018 23:10

I agree with everyone else. Terrrible behaviour on her part.

GabsAlot · 26/01/2018 01:02

wow first of all im so sorry for your loss op

im just astounded why didnt she just say no in the first place did she ever say why? i mean like u said could have got your sil to help

how can she do that and swan off and say shes babysitting for your dsis for a night out?

VimFuego101 · 26/01/2018 01:20

As a previous poster said, it seems ridiculous that she drove the 5 hours only to not then come and help as promised. Do you think it might have something to do with your stepfather? Perhaps he was annoyed at having to drive. I'm not excusing her behaviour, it just seems very strange.

Mlb123 · 26/01/2018 01:23

That is absolutely shockingly selfish of your mother and you are 100 per cent not unreasonable to be angry and upset. I think it was really mean her letting you know she was off to babysit for your sister as though that was the priority. That would have wound me up further in your situation. It was awful for you and your partner that he couldn't be there for the birth of your child. Your so-called mother didn't even try to make it up to you and seems to think letting you down was no big deal! If you had known she wouldn't be there then you might have had chance to arrange a babysitter for the other children. Enjoy your new baby and forget about expecting any support from your mother as she has shown she is not reliable when you most need her. I genuinely am shocked and sorry for how disappointed and hurt you must be 😟

emmyrose2000 · 26/01/2018 02:42

Your mother is a disgusting and selfish person. I'd cut my mother off permanently if she pulled a stunt like this.

Considering the death of one of your previous babies in the neonatal stage, it makes her behaviour even more deplorable. If my child had already lost a baby at that sage (or any stage), I'd be wanting to do anything they asked of me to support them through any future births. My mind is thoroughly boggled at your mother's actions (or inaction as the case may be).

Fionne · 26/01/2018 02:56

OP, what a horrible thing for your mum to have done.

You’ve said you can’t actually believe it happened and I think that’s a huge part of it still hurting you so much to this day. If you can’t actually believe something happened just how does a person come to terms with it?

I’m stuck at a certain stage with something and have been for a few years now. And this is how I feel - I can’t believe it happened.

user764329056 · 26/01/2018 03:18

So true Fionne, am in similar position of disbelief and finding it difficult to move forward. Sorry OP, your mum has been incredibly selfish and it must be very painful for you

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 26/01/2018 03:36

I think it's very sad but at least you now know they are not to be trusted and to never rely on them.

I have been let down in many small ways by my family; it was only when I was really let down in a major way that I realised how unreliable, selfish and uncaring they could be.

It made me more self reliant and more able to say no to them and stand firm.

Coyoacan · 26/01/2018 04:00

Perhaps your DM is of my generation. No way would we have wanted DH in the labour room

How old are you? Because I'm well into my sixties and it was standard practice when I gave birth.

Skittlesandbeer · 26/01/2018 04:22

Feel free to send a link to this thread to her, and ask only one question: did I misunderstand anything that I posted? Is it a fair account of the arrangement we made?

Granted you were recovering from childbirth when they finally appeared for that cuddle. If it were me, I’d be saying ‘hope you liked the cuddle, it’s gonna have to last you’.

The Family CF, is indeed a gobsmacking sub-category of CFery. Some CFery is best dealt with by having a short memory and getting on with your life. A woman abandoned in labour has a looooong memory.

Congrats, by the way, you did a fabulous job under horrid circumstances.

TournesolsetLavande · 26/01/2018 04:46

Perhaps your DM is of my generation. No way would we have wanted DH in the labour room

How old are you? Because I'm well into my sixties and it was standard practice when I gave birth.

I am 52 and my sister is 50 and my Dad was not present at either of our births. My mum said it just wasn't the done thing then.

But that's not the point. It is the done thing now. Everyone knows that. She was asked specifically to come and mind her grandchildren so her her daughter could have her husband there to support her in labour. She also knew that her daughter had quite understandable fear and anxiety around labour having lost a newborn baby due in the past.

Yes it's a long drive, yes she would have been tired, but she clearly didn't leave early enough or treat it as much of a priority to get there on time. Having failed to arrive to watch the children at all, meaning her DD was alone for the birth she then sidelined the OP and her grandchildren in favour of helping out her other daughter, on a day when the OP would really, really have appreciated her time and support.

She's a selfish twat. And I hope someone tells her so.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/01/2018 05:06

I wonder why they came at all. Yanbu to be hurt.

Does she have form for this? Did they ask to see you on the way home?

SabineUndine · 26/01/2018 05:07

My dad wasn’t in the labour room when I was born but he was pacing up and down outside. Even when it wasn’t the norm for dad’s to be present, they were around. This isn’t to do with the age of the OPs mother.

OP, I hope you and your OH are enjoying lots of baby cuddles. I wouldn’t give your mother the time of day in future. Flowers

mathanxiety · 26/01/2018 05:18

Flowers to you and your lovely DH and children ShouldIBeUpset, and so sorry to hear of your previous bereavement. What an experience you all had Sad.

I know someone whose mum promised to bring her, her DH and baby home from hospital, which was 20 minutes walking distance from their home in normal circumstances, but obv not after the crash CS she had (and it would have been awful after any other delivery for that matter).

They were depending on that lift. The mother phoned the morning of discharge to say she couldn't make it, offered no reason, and hung up. Almost fifteen years later, it hasn't been forgotten, or forgiven. And for good reason.

ShouldIBe your mum is either massively self absorbed and uncaring, or she is a prize pillock. How could she have so completely missed the point of being in your home town that day?

didofido · 26/01/2018 09:15

@Coyoacan. I'm 76. I'd have hated DH to be there. I felt I had enough to deal with, without extraneous sight-seers!

Notonthestairs · 26/01/2018 09:27

I'm not sure I'd class DH as an extraneous sight seer but I guess that's the difference.

The key thing is Op asked for help, had very good reasons why she'd need that help and her parents agreed to it - and they completely failed to deliver and buggered off to help sibling with a date night.

Really there are no excuses to cover this, generational differences are meaningless here.

didofido · 26/01/2018 09:34

@Notonthestairs.

Yes, as I said in an earlier post, I do see that.

alotalotalot · 26/01/2018 09:43

Wow that is really nasty behaviour, even without taking into account your previous experience with your dd. Fair enough not to agree in the first place, but to agree and let you down. Wow. She didn't even show any remorse afterwards.

I'm sure that would impact my feelings towards her big time. Nobody could blame you for not being able to forgive her. Obviously how you choose to proceed is up to you but no reaction of yours could be described as wrong, given her behaviour.

shakeyourcaboose · 26/01/2018 10:03

I'm bewildered by some of the defenders of the M here, but that's probably because like @bashstreetkid my parents purposely booked a fortnight holiday around the date of my planned sect. And gleefully told me that was so they couldn't be expected to help out at all. Not that we had asked for or expected this!

whiskyowl · 26/01/2018 10:05

Whether the MIL agrees with husband being in the delivery room or not is an entirely separate issue.

Every woman has a right to decide for herself who is there. Some people want their husbands, some don't. What you do NOT have a right to do, however, is to make that choice on someone else's behalf, by ensuring that the person that they want there cannot possibly make it. If she did this for that reason, it actually makes her behaviour worse than if she's just a raving mad narcissist who is too self-absorbed to consider her own daughter's needs.

BitOutOfPractice · 26/01/2018 10:08

Oh OP I'm gob smacked at your DM's behaviour and attitude

And I can only imagine how sad your DH is too at missing the birth of his child Sad

Pugsleypugs · 26/01/2018 10:17

OP, I'm horrified on your behalf.

I'm not sure I could forgive my mother if she did that. In fact, I'm pretty sure nothing she could do would make me forgive her short of her begging at my feet for forgiveness.

BigBaboonBum · 26/01/2018 10:23

That’s awful. I’m sorry she did that, I’m sorry you had to give birth alone and I’m sorry for your DH to have to miss it because of her - she sounds completely selfish. I’d end the relationship if I’m being honest or at least put it on hold for quite some time until I don’t care anymore.
It must have been a downer to say the least and as hard as it will be just try to forget it happened so it doesn’t affect you further. Enjoy your beautiful baby! Flowers

Notonthestairs · 26/01/2018 10:34

didofido apologies - I had overlooked your earlier comment.