Mother didn't turn up for birth - am I right to be angry?

[ShouldIBeUpset]

This happened a while ago but I still feel quite upset and angry about it. In brief:

Me expecting 4th DC. Mother agreed to travel down from her home 5 hours away to look after my 3 older DC while I give birth. I go overdue and eventually induction is agreed for the following day.

I inform DM. It is a weekend so its fine for my stepfather to drive her down. I only expect help for the period I am actually giving birth so DH can be with me and we know DC are safe. Maximum of 24 hours. A previous pregnancy resulted in the neonatal death of DD2 so gibing birth is quite triggering for me which DM knows.

DH took me to hospital and left to come back at visting time with DC. Induction takes off quite quickly and by the end of visiting time I am in full blown labour. DH has to leave to take DC home hoping DM will turn up at any minute. She's not answering phone and should have left in the morning. Its 8pm by this time.

I end up giving birth alone as DH can't come back due to DM not arriving. Labour was very quick.

The next morning DM texts to say they arrived the evening before but they were tired so booked into a hotel!

I tell her that I am about to be discharged so will see her at my house. They turned up for 30 mins max, refusing a cup of tea and a hold of snuggly baby, saying they had to get a move on to get to my younger sisters to babysit for her (I live on the way down to sister's).

She thinks because all was OK, this was perfectly fine BTW!

Your mother is awful. All she had to do was say no and you could make alternative plans but she deliberately fucked them up on purpose. Knowing that it was traumatic and scary for you and that you'd want to DH there and he would want to be there too.

Is it a relationship that's worth keeping OP?

Yanbu at all.

Is this symptomatic of how she usually treats you?

Good god. I was mildly expecting to thing you were being a bit dramatic, but when I read the post - well, good god, I'm angry for you as well.

Especially when she knows what happened with your DD2, she should know that you would want your DH with you. (It's outrageous what she's done even without that grief, but with it, my god.)

She should have said no right at the beginning, when you first asked her, then you could have asked somebody else, somebody who gave a shit.

I am so sorry, OP.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your mother is an arse though. As others have said, she's under no obligation but she agreed to do it and ffs, this is one time you don't let a person down - especially as it was an induction so she knew the time AND was actually already available, just prioritising a nap!
As for them blowing off your newborn to babysit for your sisters dc (presumably not prearranged, as that would still be in the window of time she'd agreed to look after yours) - yeah, she's an arse.

Wow. That's deplorable. She thinks it's okay? Is she always this self-absorbed? This would cause a serious fall out for me.

wow. how unsupportive (understatement)

I have dropped everything every time my DD has needed me to sit with DC as she has gone in to labour including two calls in the middle of the night, I just can't imagine doing anything else. I am so sad for you that your Mum wouldn't do the same for you and also would find it very difficult to forgive, even more so after your previous sad loss

YANBU be as angry as you like, I can't think of a way a mother could have betrayed their daughter more than that. I think that would be IT for me, never to speak to her again. FFS she didn't even apologise for leaving you on your own giving birth, she should be ashamed of herself. for you OP

Perhaps your DM is of my generation. No way would we have wanted DH in the labour room.

5 hours drive is quite some distance, if they were tired and knew you were safely at the hospital with medical staff and your older 3 with your DH I don’t think it was that unreasonable for them to book in to a hotel for the night ready to help the next morning if needed.

Maybe I view it differently as I also have 4 children and DH wasn't able to be with me for the C Section births of my youngest two as he needed to look after the older ones. If you'd gone in to labour spontaneously earlier than your induction date your Mum likely wouldn't have been able to make it in time anyway, I'd let it go. Your baby arrived safely and your older children were fine with your DH, that's what matters.

I'd find that hard to get past to be honest.

How is your relationship with her under normal circumstances? How is your relationship between you and your sister? Is she the 'golden' child?

NO, you're right to be angry. And to be sad that you can't rely on her. And to be sad that she prioritised your sister. I hope the babysitting wasn't just for a night out.

Try not to think about how she has let you down and focus on your baby.

Perhaps your DM is of my generation. No way would we have wanted DH in the labour room

How would that make it acceptable to let your daughter down in the way her Mum did?
She said she would be there, she wasn't and isn't even apologising.

I freely admit I am a very unforgiving person.

This would be totally unforgivable to me and there would be no further contact. 👺 (Especially with the blatant lack of interest in your new baby and the obvious hurtful comment about needing to get to babysit for your dsis )

Mega congrats to both you and your DH, Should. So very sorry with regards to the loss of your precious DD2 .

Oh God, that's awful. I'm so sorry that you were let down like that

I'd go non contact. I don't say that lightly either.

That's a total parental failure.

Fucking hell, that's absolutely appalling. Talk about being let down when you most need it. She sounds totally selfish.

YANBU to be very, very angry with her.

OMG I would have been devastated. How awful that you had to give birth without your DH. So terribly sorry for your loss.

Oh my god, I don’t know what to say. That’s so awful it’s off the scale. You poor things. Huge congratulations on your baby. It’s hard to believe after what you’ve been through, that your mum just doesn’t seem to get how much she was needed this time.

Blackteadrinker77 - yes, you have a valid point. My mum looked after my children when I gave birth to their younger siblings. "D"H was in the pub..

What shitty behaviour from yiur mum, I woukd tell her. Tbh I would not want much to do with her after that!

Who knows what's going on really to be honest. Maybe your stepfather was being a controlling prick about it, and she was trying to please him by doing things his way. It's a big ask to drive someone 5hours there and then 5 hours back. Which resulted in her missing the timeframe.
He was controlling the driving after all. Maybe she is trying to please everyone but because you may be nicer and more understanding than others, it's easier to let you down to please someone else.
Are you sure she was doing it genuinely of her own free will as such, especially if she can't drive she is relying on him for that...

FFS sadie - even if that weren't just a load of assumptions about someone you don't even know, any mother who could appease a prick of a stepfather over being there for her daughter at such a moment would deserve a double roasting, one for her priorities, and a second for being with such a wanker in the first place.

I'd print this thread off and post it to her before going no contact though.

Unforgivable.