To find my gentle parenting friends infuriating?

[Littlemissmuff]

NC as this may be outing.

I have 3 friends, all have toddlers between 2 and 3 years old.
Our children play together frequently and their parenting style is driving me mad.
One of them literally never says no to her son, he can hit our childre or destroy something but instead she insists on talking nicely to him even though he is definitely not listening.
Another one has a huge moan several times a day about how tired she is and she fed up of her toddler getting her up all night to breastfeed; however won't do anything about it and won't take any suggestions such as water or night weaning and states that it is cruel and our roles as mothers are to cuddle our children all night if we have to if that's what they demand even at age 3.
I don't care how they parent their child but I do when it's affecting my son, he is forever getting pushed about by these kids now and he is constantly seeing them doing really dangerous behaviour and "risk taking" without any parent intervention which then makes me look awful to him if i tell him no if he tries to copy them climbing on to the TV stand or windowsill.
I don't know what research shows, but my god these children are so much more naughty than any other children I know.
Aibu to end our playdates even though it might end our friendship?

It's really hard when you have old friends who have babies at the same time as you as these differences are magnified, especially if you're sleep deprived and not working so much - they become big issues. I definitely have friends who I parent differently to and the friendship is nowhere near what it used to be.

I'm hoping that as the kids get older that we'll find more common ground again.

Like previous posters, I would describe myself as a gentle parent, but yes, my son is certainly told 'no' is he is doing things that are destructive, or are upsetting others and other techniques have not worked.

To not do so would be failing to prepare him for society and the world.

I prefer Micky Flanagans comedy sketch about these gentle parents.."I know you think we think you're cool, liberal parents......but we actually think you're cunt lazy parents "..........gets me every time!

Ugh. YANBU. They would drive me mad.

lion - ah, that makes sense. So it just becomes background noise. But that would suggest judicious use of "no" is the thing to do.

Ynbu it will only get more irritating as time goes on

I completely agree with you lionsmummy, my DS sometimes cheerfully ignores me too until I move him away from whatever he’s destroying but he always listens to ‘No! Hot!’ or ‘No! Dangerous!’ because he doesn’t get told no/a raised voice very often.

she told everyone not to say no, but to say error

Would they then be deleted if they didn't stop?

It's not gentle parenting its crappy half arsed parenting.

It sounds like nthey are getting gentle parenting VERY wrong indeed, and it is to the detriment of your child, so to that extent YANBU. But please don't take it out on GP- what you describe is apparent who is out of control, and that's not GP. GP recognises that toddlers lack the brain development to empathise in the way that older children do, and it offers and alternative to communicating with small children in a way that is beyond their liited comprehension. It also involves very firm boundaries. I'd be interested as to where your friend was getting her parenting advice as it sounds terribly wonky to me.

Sorry, I know you probably regret mentioning the BFing now, but the reason people are rounding on it is because it jumps off the page from your OP that you are no friend of this woman. Real friends don't bitch behind each others' back about these things. How completely unsupportive and bitchy of you.

I think you'd be better off not seeing these women any more. They're not your friends, and you certainly aren't theirs.

So I've said "no we don't hit" And been told by ALL three why I must not say no because they are doing this gentle parenting and even my own child will end up damaged because they don't understand no at this age anyway

Well even babies understand "no", they are not stupid.

I do find it a good idea to avoid saying "no" to children under two, using distraction techniques instead. I think a lot of the benefit is so that as a parent you don't end up just saying no a hundred times a day.

I'm sorry but this isn't gentle parenting, and gentle parenting certainly doesn't mean not saying no.

I knew someone like this, her 7 year old daughter slapped a 10 month old baby across the face! The child’s mother didn’t turn a hair! That was an eye opener.

Not unreasonable to find it annoying. Not unreasonable to end the playdates. TOTALLY ureasonable to critique their parenting style and think you know better than them how they should be raising their children. Even more unreasonable to keep meeting up with them while slagging them off on Mumsnet. After all, as you yourself say about your friend hoping for a bit of sympathy about bee child's poor sleep, " if something's bad, why wouldn't you do something to change it?"

You don't like these people, you don't like their children, why on earth do you spend time with them and then bitch about them behind their backs??

I’ve done the gentle parenting. I’ve never punished my children, put them in time out etc...
However, they’ve always been told NO when they did something wrong (and being redirected, distracted etc etc).

Gentle parenting does NOT equate letting children do whatever they want and have no boundaries at all.

LittleMissMuff YANBU - In fact I would have said that we may possibly have the same friends....because of this when my DD started school I slowly backed away from the group, left the whatsapp group, FB group and slowly but surely extricated myself from it, we still do on occasion see each other but the meeting are tense and I find I am permanently on the edge of my seat waiting for some child to be hurt/upset etc etc etc and I am neve sympathetic enough - the relationship I have with the school class mums is way more relaxed and a lot more enjoyable!

Coukd we compromise on sensible parenting?

No slapping allowed by anyone or biting etc.

No Is a fine word as long as it’s bakanced with fun and love

Children although important are not always the most important person in the room.

Adults are allowed adult talk time

Bedtime routines and feeding completely personal

Children learn manners, respect, empathy and they they need to
Fit into society not society for around them!

I'm not a friend because I am finally bored of being contacted 3 times a day about a toddler breastfeeding all night? Bloody hell.

ennirem

It’s aibu! The op was asking for opinions on an anonymous forum not naming and shaming her friends in public.

They are not doing gentle parenting, they are doing permissive parenting, or just failing to have boundaries. Many people have made this point on the thread but it doesn't seem to have sunk in.

The snarking about extended breastfeeding is unpleasant and unnecessary.

It hasn't sunk in?? Thanks. I completely get it. I didn't say it was gentle parenting, my friends did.
What comments about bloody breastfeeding??? I am not bothered about breastfeeding it Is So boring!!! I'm on about her moaning and telling me about it all fucking day when I have my own child to breastfeed and just get on with it like a normal adult.

Aergh the “gentle parenting” makes my teeth hurt. Sometimes kids are plain and simply naughty and need a telling off.

Not your comments OP... the other ones on the thread.

Next time she does that, say sorry I can't help your I would not see much of them at all, they sound like a nightmare.

I understand, thanks for all the links and explanations. So they are doing it a bit wrong and it's not gentle parenting. I think I will cool the meet ups off a bit for some space and stand up for my child regardless of their rules.

For those of you who don't get MY point..
It was never about the bloody breastfeeding.
It's that I have to listen to her whine all day about something that she chooses not to fix.
I am overweight and hate it. I don't call my friends and talk about it all day every day because I choose to stuff my face with chocolate.
Do you not see how that is boring????