To find my gentle parenting friends infuriating?

[Littlemissmuff]

NC as this may be outing.

I have 3 friends, all have toddlers between 2 and 3 years old.
Our children play together frequently and their parenting style is driving me mad.
One of them literally never says no to her son, he can hit our childre or destroy something but instead she insists on talking nicely to him even though he is definitely not listening.
Another one has a huge moan several times a day about how tired she is and she fed up of her toddler getting her up all night to breastfeed; however won't do anything about it and won't take any suggestions such as water or night weaning and states that it is cruel and our roles as mothers are to cuddle our children all night if we have to if that's what they demand even at age 3.
I don't care how they parent their child but I do when it's affecting my son, he is forever getting pushed about by these kids now and he is constantly seeing them doing really dangerous behaviour and "risk taking" without any parent intervention which then makes me look awful to him if i tell him no if he tries to copy them climbing on to the TV stand or windowsill.
I don't know what research shows, but my god these children are so much more naughty than any other children I know.
Aibu to end our playdates even though it might end our friendship?

@Allergictoironing

I think part of the problem is parents who forget (or don't want to remember!) that their purpose is to bring up their children to be able to function successfully in society once those parents are gone - it ISN'T to be their best friend. A good parent should want what is best for their child in the long run, rather than what makes them popular with the child.

^ THIS. A million times over

I am a gentle parent, but my kids are bastards.

Is it like one of those "irregular verbs" (think I'm an explorer, you're a traveller, she's a tourist sort of thing)?

I'm a gentle parent
You're a liberal parent
She's a permissive parent
.....and their kids are completely feral?

I would class myself as a gentle parenting in the main, and genuinely have well behaved, empathetic kids. Little beasts at home but a joy out of it. 😂 I know a few like the op describes, but wouldn't describe them as gentle parents, just shoddy but well meaning ones. However I would rather them than the other extreme...bellowing, arm yanking, bottom smacking helicopters.

I am more than happy to step in when someone else's kid is being a shit (especially towards my own), I just make a point of referring to their parents so no-one else thinks they are mine.

So I've said "no we don't hit" And been told by ALL three why I must not say no because they are doing this gentle parenting and even my own child will end up damaged because they don't understand no at this age anyway

Wtf?! Children need to know the meaning of no, adults that don't know the meaning often end up in prison hmm

None of us go anywhere near the madness on FB because it bears no resemblance to our reality.

Exactly! I worry that gentle parenting gets a bad name because people associate it with some of the very odd things that are said in a particular GP Facebook group. I left one group after a lengthy discussion took place about whether a child should read a Where’s Spot book because it used the word “no” (as in “no he’s not under the bed”) too often. Utterly bizarre and as you say, completely irrelevant to the lives of most people who consider themselves gentle parents.

I shouted "Mind the road!!!!" loudly at mine and my friend's children who were about to step out into the road. Friend had to comfort her children as I had shouted at them.

(should say they'd run on ahead) (I wasn't shouting at them as they stood patiently next to me) (may as well have been for her reaction)

Zerosugaroption

'I'm a gentle parent but my kids are bastards' ... 😂😂😂

Another phrase to justify their lawless kids, 'I don't want to suppress their personality' - no one wants to but you're making poor child hateful and dislikable. 'keep your hands to yourself' was the saying used for decades, surely didn't negatively affect anyone

And Staplescorner

I had to cool a really good friendship because I just couldn't cope with my friend's unruly DC. It wasn't her style so much, as she was just overwhelmed. She had 3 under 3, and they were like a ninja glitter bomb no matter where they went.

My SIL OTOH was just too cool to parent. Her DC were the most destructive children I have ever seen, and she wouldn't bat an eyelid. It was absolutely mortifying to go anywhere with her & her DC. Customers & staff in restaurants routinely complained about or to her and she couldn't give a toss. Now that they are older, it still really shows in their behaviour.

Do you know what they're like behind closed doors?

They're probably putting on a show.

Good god, kids need to hear no so they know there are boundaries.
Boundaries keep them safe, let them know they are loved and prepare them for the expectations they will encounter in school and life beyond.

As a teacher who sees A LOT of this ridiculousness, it really saddens me. Kids of 8 not knowing why it's wrong to snatch, steal and say mean things is DEFINATELY on the increase- and I work in a very 'nice' area. It's actually pretty shocking when parents don't get why their cherub continues to get warnings, detentions and put 'on report' -in primary school- because they don't understand why they can't go around decking people and generally being rude... They've never been taught it's wrong! They've never been told no!

I'm not a perfect parent, but if for nothing but their future teachers sakes ...be a parent and teach them no means no!!!!!

...rant over!

Yesterday my DS was helping his key worker tidy up at nursery when a girl came over and pushed him against the cupboard for no reason. He has a nasty graze on his back.

Her Mum was at pick up at the same time as me and I could hear the nursery nurse talking to her. "She's just exploring her own strength," the Mum said 😡😡. Thankfully the nursery nurse pointed out that it was unacceptable etc but still, what a bizarre reaction. She must be gentle parenting!

The level of bad behaviour in children can be appalling, and much of it is down to bad parenting. No child should be abused, but to bring them up without boundaries and firm guidance is almost as bad. I have worked with children who have been "gently parented" and they are almost invariably a pain in the backside.

There is massive misunderstanding of gentle parenting here. Gentle parenting always involves setting limits with your children. It’s about how the limits are set: by modelling empathy with your child’s feelings whilst making sure they don’t hit/climb when it’s not appropriate/are unkind.
To fail to set limits is permissive parenting and makes children feel unsafe.
Another premise of gentle parenting is not sacrificing your own wellbeing for ge sake of children but making sure you’re tuned into your needs so that you are able to tune into the needs of your kids.
These parents the op describes are not gentle parenting!

Children need to understand "no" so we can keep them safe - and also so they can use it to keep themselves safe.

It's a very protective word.

Penggwyb, using that example, what “punishment” do you think would teach the child the things you believe they should learn from it?

The horror stories I read on here from people who are giving examples, of those who just do not get 'gentle parenting', are shocking. They are just being lazy and cannot be bothered to parent their own child. Like somebody on here said, you are not their friend, you are their parent, and are shaping them for adulthood as they get older, and the person they will become. They have to know how their behaviour affects others, as it can impact on others in society.

My ds who was 4 at the time, was at a soft play party, he was going through a rough phase, where he would try to be playful and used to put his arm around children's necks. He did this at the party, I did not see it, but he was severely repremanded by a child's granny, I was mortified. I went to get him, and told him off myself, and removed him from the party and we went home. It never entered my mind to challenge the lady, as I know she was perfectly right. He never did that again, he is almost 6 and is a kind and loving little boy.

I think your friends need to find a new friend. You sound horrible and if you slag them off online you are a pretty poor friend. if you don't like it dont spend time with them. Bf absolutely none of your business ask yourself why you think you are right and they are wrong- are you the perfect parent? What works for one doesnt work for another-children are not robots. Permissive and gentle parenting are different, please educate yourself and stop the sweeping generalisations.

Depends on the age of the child and what they enjoy doing, I suppose.

Okay, so am I right to infer that you think a punishment should involve taking away something they enjoy or preventing them doing an activity they enjoy?

Ds can give me attitude and has raised his hand to me, he gets told off, if he does that again, he goes to his room with the stairgate on and sand timer for 10 mins. This totally works for him, and his behaviour is a complete turn around afterwards. I have cancelled a Christmas party he was going to, due to being rude to me that day and continuing when warned not to.