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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would it BU to ask the teacher to remind DD to go to the loo before hometime?

518 replies

Natsku · 24/01/2018 11:30

DD nearly always forgets to go to a wee before she leaves school and then she ends up desperately needing it while on the walk home and the last few days she's come home soaked from wetting herself (which is not just unpleasant for her but verging on dangerous as I expect walking in wet clothes increases the risks of hypothermia and it's been -15 lately in the afternoons)

I'm not there to remind her myself as she walks alone and I just physically can't go to pick her up at the moment because my SPD is too bad and no amount of reminding her in the morning seems to help her remember by hometime, but I'm worried it would be a bit unreasonable to ask the teacher to take responsibility for reminding her as she is probably very busy at hometime and I don't want to be that parent (I'm worried I already am for some other reasons and don't want to be more of a bother) but fed up of washing DD's snowsuit every day and her skin on her inner thighs is getting really sore from the wee and the wet trousers rubbing on her.

OP posts:
ferntwist · 25/01/2018 09:49

It sounds like an idyllic life OP. Some of the posters here seem to be trying to force the UK norms on you - they weren’t even norms when we were growing up, it’s a new normal for kids to be ferried everywhere and so unhealthy.

Original poster
Natsku · 25/01/2018 10:08

Yeah I grew up in the UK and walked to school by myself or with my brother. Not as much freedom as DD has but we had certainly had some (and we had holidays in Finland a lot when we were children and here we were allowed to roam freely like the local children did - when in Rome and all that)

OP posts:
suzy2b · 25/01/2018 11:21

I do pity you trying to learn finish many years ago i lived in Sweden and finish sounded very hard, how long have you lived there and can DD speak finish when i lived in sweden and had friends that where from different countrys parents spoke their own language to their children yet i had a swedish friend in england who spoke english to her children, so they couldn't speak swedish and couldn't speak to their grandparents, which i thought was odd

Original poster
Natsku · 25/01/2018 11:30

It's a hard language to learn as an English speaker for sure. Have lived here ten years and speak well enough for conversations if they aren't too complex, can read fairly well but can't write and my grammar is atrocious. DD is fluently bilingual though and is a great little translator.
Swedish sounds so funny to me though, was watching a Presidential campaign debate today on a Swedish language programme and it sounded so weird! DD will learn Swedish in school (hopefully from 3rd grade) so she'll be trilingual at least.

OP posts:
RavenWings · 25/01/2018 12:42

It's so true that people are trying to force their cultural norms on you. Just because in the UK kids get driven to and from school, doesn't mean that it's needed in Finland. Ffs.

sallywinter · 25/01/2018 14:12

Vibrating watches are great (from a teacher) and are a really helpful transition between needing to be told by an adult and becoming independent.

Agree that the constipation/ weeing might well be linked, and could also be contributed to by worry over changes at home. The conversation might be worth having with her teacher from this point of view, as they might be able to alleviate some anxiety in the school setting.

Another one who wants to move to Finland after reading about her journey home!

EggsonHeads · 25/01/2018 14:15

If she's not old enough to remember to use the toilet then surely she's not old enough to walk alone?

Notevilstepmother · 25/01/2018 14:18

Would she be ok with asking the friend she walks with to remind her?

Some kids are very kind and helpful looking after their friends like that, others not so much.

Original poster
Natsku · 25/01/2018 14:39

She might be ok with that, she's not shy about toilet matters so I don't think she'd mind her friend reminding her.

But she did remember to go to the loo today but still had an accident. This must be something else, either the constipation or stress, it's really not normal for her to need to wee so often.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 25/01/2018 14:46

Could she have a urinary infection, OP? If she's weeing more than she used to there could be a problem. It would be worth taking her to a doctor about it.

BlueMirror · 25/01/2018 14:47

Hmm on the one hand I think it's great for 6yr olds to have freedom and I think it's something my dd would have loved when she was 6 and been more than capable of.
But I also think some kids will be ready for that responsibility and some won't. If she can't remember to go to the loo and she's also not walking straight home turning her 40 min walk into an hour despite it making her wet then I would have her collected.
It's all very well saying you can't do the journey because of your spd which I do sympathise with but if that's the main reason she's walking alone rather than it being best for her then you need to sort out someone to collect her.
A child being left to walk home in soiled clothing would be bad enough in U.K. temperatures and considered neglect. In -15 it must be unbearable.
I think there's a tendency among some to romanticise other cultures. Just because something is a cultural norm it doesn't make it automatically great. I don't think the pick them up until they're 10 or 11 system in the UK or the make them go from 5/6 regardless culture is better. Some kids will be sensible enough much before 10 and some kids will not be ready at 6. A more sensible approach would be asking do they want to walk alone and can they look after themselves regardless of age I think.

crunchymint · 25/01/2018 14:52

6 year old is perfectly fine to walk home. But I would buy her a small watch and set it to vibrate to remind her to go to the loo. I would also take her to the Dr to check she does not have an infection.
And kids this age do usually take longer to walk home without an adult.

Missmteach87 · 25/01/2018 14:52

I wouldn't mind reminding my year 2 class. They are not allowed to the loo during lessons so they do need to be reminded at playtime, lunchtime and hometime.

steppemum · 25/01/2018 15:01

dd was a terrible one for wee accidents right up until she was 8 or 9, she is now 12 and still when she comes in from school I see her wriggling and say - GO TO THE LOO!

In year 1 it was articularly bad, I used to put a note in her lunchbox, it just said:

break time
lunch time
home time

it was to remind her to go to the loo. After a few weeks the message got through and she remembered to go.

Is there anything she only uses at home time? You could put a note saying
remembered??

or pin a badge on - when you see the teddy badge what do youhave to do?

Actually, while I agree the teacher is busy, I would have thought that with kids walkig that far on the way home in cold weather, that it was sensible to send them all to the loo before they put their snowsuits on!

Enidblyton1 · 25/01/2018 15:03

I would definitely ask the teacher - i don't think it makes you 'that parent'.

I was wondering if it would be pitch black when they are walking home - but it sounds like they finish school at lunch time. Does the school day extend in the summer when it's light for a long time? (sorry off topic - I'm just interested!)

Original poster
Natsku · 25/01/2018 15:06

Some children definitely aren't ready at this age BlueMirror I agree with that but DD managed the walk wonderfully the whole Autumn term so I do think she was ready. If it wasn't for this weeing herself thing I wouldn't consider for a moment changing the set up as I do think walking is best for her, it's really helped her confidence grow. She just walks slowly on her way home because she's chatting with her friend who's a slow walker, that's pretty normal.

Don't know about a urinary infection Lizzie when she's had them before she's had very obvious symptoms with pain and trouble weeing.

OP posts:
Enidblyton1 · 25/01/2018 15:06

I wonder if she is in a rush to leave so she can walk home with friends? If none of them need to loo at the end of school, she might find it hard to go even if you leave a reminder note for her. 7 year olds are unlikely to wait around for a friend? I still think a class reminder from the teacher might work best if the teacher is willing to do this.

Original poster
Natsku · 25/01/2018 15:10

They finish at one o'clock so it's daylight for the walk home (dark for the walk there though, but won't be for much longer). The school day is the same length in the summer though according to mum they used to have longer days in the summer and shorter ones in the winter when she was at school but that was in Lapland so much more extreme difference in daylight (and there they didn't just walk to school alone, they had to row a boat over the lake to get to school! Or skate across the ice in the winter. When the ice wasn't strong enough to skate on they had to board at the school)

OP posts:
itsbetterthanabox · 25/01/2018 15:14

6 year old walking a 40 min walk alone in heavy snow!
Where do you live?
She’s clearly not old enough to be doing this if she can’t even remember to go to the toilet. I think pick her up for another year or so then you/your dp can remind her.

Greenglassteacup · 25/01/2018 15:23

I wish people would read the full thread Confused

I hope you find a way to help her OP. I’m another one who loves your description on living in Finland, it sounds lovely

Greenglassteacup · 25/01/2018 15:23

Of not on !!

MichaelBendfaster · 25/01/2018 15:26

itsbetter, FFS.

crunchymint · 25/01/2018 15:27

Actually that is a good point about not wanting to be left behind by her friends, so not going to the loo. So maybe best to speak to the teacher.

FluffyWuffy100 · 25/01/2018 15:40

I’m shocked that a child mature enough to walk home from school isn’t mature enough to go for a wee!

Can you put something in her coat pocket like a tennis ball or something so when she goes to put her coat on she finds the tennnis ball and is reminded?

FluffyWuffy100 · 25/01/2018 15:40

Or set an alarm on her watch?

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