Would it BU to ask the teacher to remind DD to go to the loo before hometime?

[Natsku]

DD nearly always forgets to go to a wee before she leaves school and then she ends up desperately needing it while on the walk home and the last few days she's come home soaked from wetting herself (which is not just unpleasant for her but verging on dangerous as I expect walking in wet clothes increases the risks of hypothermia and it's been -15 lately in the afternoons)

I'm not there to remind her myself as she walks alone and I just physically can't go to pick her up at the moment because my SPD is too bad and no amount of reminding her in the morning seems to help her remember by hometime, but I'm worried it would be a bit unreasonable to ask the teacher to take responsibility for reminding her as she is probably very busy at hometime and I don't want to be that parent (I'm worried I already am for some other reasons and don't want to be more of a bother) but fed up of washing DD's snowsuit every day and her skin on her inner thighs is getting really sore from the wee and the wet trousers rubbing on her.

Natsku your elegance in dealing with this thread is astonishing! You are so clearly a lovely mother, with great communication skills (as demonstrated in this thread).

My early years were in a small town in Canada and everything you have described here was the same then. All children walked in snowsuits to and from school from about age 5. It was simply what everyone did - no questions to be asked. It probably has changed nowadays there, but clearly it hasn’t in your town in Finland so no one can question this.

As far as I am concerned you could be asking about your daughter suddenly beginning to wet herself coming home from school on a school bus, on a train, or while getting a lift from another parent. It just so happens she is walking as THAT is the normal mode of transport for her peer group to get home. But as she is walking in very cold weather it is a rather more urgent situation.

As the wetting is a recent problem perhaps it is a combination of both getting lazy about going before leaving plus some anxiety about a new sibling arriving. All my 4 year old son’s anxieties are immediately demonstrated in regressing toilet habits. No reflection of my lack of care (I lie awake at night worrying about it) but just a fact. Your DD may be more than aware that her mummy has a huge tummy, is in a lot of pain with your SPD, and something major is about to happen in your lives. That would certainly cause my son all kinds of temporary changes.

Hopefully when your new baby arrives your DD will be able to let it go. At age 7 she will probably enjoy being a bit of a mother figure to the baby and also be pleased that her mum is not suffering anymore.

Wishing you a very smooth and happy birth! Let us know when Baby arrives!

Play is an international language I reckon frogsoup

LHReturns thank you, actually had a nightmare last night that she had to walk past creepy boarded up churches and things like that. I can understand people having the view they have if they see it as scary as my dream was, you can't see how something really is if you don't experience it.
She's excited about the baby but bound to be worried too, she's especially worried that baby will be born on her birthday tomorrow and I've been quite sick this pregnancy so that's undoubtedly had an impact on her.

Ski path was crowded this morning, the 3rd graders were skiing for PE - no teacher with them either, and some of them were struggling much more than DD did (a couple were crawling up the bridge to get up while DD skied past them merrily!) so I am pretty proud of her. She even said that maybe she'll go by herself tomorrow but I think she'll change her mind in the morning. It's already light ten minutes after normal leaving time as well.

That's a really good point LhReturns. I think some people's mental image involved a deserted dark forest full of menacing 100 foot oaks (with witches and bears cackling in the distance) - not a busy ski track!

My mental image is of an almost 7 year old wetting herself in sub zero conditions without a parent. There's no amateur dramatics going on here. My opinion is based solely on the OPs words.

Then you must be glad to know that since her teacher has been reminding her to go to the loo before leaving school, she hasn't had any more accidents.
It was other posters though that I think had that mental image of a very dark and scary forest, maybe I should post a picture to show how the very opposite of that it is.

Happy Birthday Natsku's daughter! Hope you have a lovely day

Thanks, I'm sure she'll have a lovely day so long as baby doesn't decide to make an appearance today!

Happy birthday to your daughter - all the best people have a birthday today!

It was your dd who said she was scared in the dark though Natsku. Just because you, as an adult, don’t think it’s scary it doesn’t mean a 6 yr old on her own will feel the same. Children’s fears aren’t always rational.
And there are plenty of adults who wouldn’t enjoy a lone walk in a dark forest. No matter how beautiful it might be in the daylight.

OP, in some of your pps on MN you have spoken about how your child was once grabbed by a man when out. You said that, despite this, she was still out alone within a couple of days. According to your history, this was over a year ago so your child was around 5 at the time?
Can you not see at all that she might be frightened? You don't need to guess actually because your daughter has told you she is!

It's already not dark anymore, I do realise it's a different experience in the dark and she was scared then and I wish I had talked to her about it sooner so she didn't have those couple of weeks by herself in the dark.

That happened when she was four, I think she still remembers it, at least she did in the summer when it went to court, but I don't think she has a fear of something like that happening again, not from our conversations on the subject of strangers. Am pretty sure it's the dark that bothered her as now it's pretty light at her normal leaving time she's talking about going by herself again. I'm not going to push it though, only if she insists on going by herself will I agree but will definitely keep talking to her about how she feels about the trip in case fears come back.

It gets worse! Your daughter was four when she was out alone and was grabved by a man. The incident was so serious it went to court and yet you can't see the connection between that and her being scared going into the dark forest alone to walk for an hour in minus 15 temperatures. Many grown women couldn't cope with that after being grabbed by a strange man, far less a six year old.

That poor little girl was so scared she was wetting herself. Good grief, minimising at its worst.

That incident was a mentally disabled drunk man thinking he was helping a lost child, not someone with bad intentions, though of course that didn't change the impact it had on DD at the time but it's not a fear for her now - there is no connection between it and her fear of walking alone in the dark. When I gave my statement to the police they told me that such an incident had not happened in their memory in this town and not to let fear of it drive my decisions.

Well I think you’d be right not to inflate the risk in your mind if it is unlikely to happen again but I wouldn’t downplay it as what would surely have been a very traumatic event for a young child. After going through something like that a child is likely going to need more support and reassurance than a child who has never had that experience.

It was very traumatic for her at the time, that is absolutely correct, and for the next twoish years that still showed but over the last year she has changed and the last time we talked about it (in the summer) she spoke about it in quite a different manner, more like it had been a strange silly thing rather than a big scary thing as she had talked about it before and she was more angry about him telling her that she couldn't ride her bike because she was a girl than him grabbing her.

Being able to speak about it without getting upset doesn't mean that she won't still feel frightened when she's in the same situation again.
It seems like it's not only adult-like freedom that your child has but also the expectation of adult-like emotions? That she shouldn't be afraid of the dark forest because it isn't scary and that she must have 'got over' being grabbed by a stranger.

It's just the impression I get from her about her feelings on that matter.

I definitely don't expect her not to be afraid of the dark, whether in the forest or elsewhere, the fact that she's not afraid on her way home through the forest shows that it's not the forest she's scared of, just the darkness.

I’ve been reading this over the last couple of days and there’s something really odd op about how you talk about your dd. I thought it was your ex that tried to kidnap her but she was actually taken by someone else as well? You’re so lucky that your dd was ok. How do you feel about what happened?

It’s a bit much to assume that she’s fine with what’s happened to her - if she knows you can’t really do anything then perhaps she is trying to spare your feelings. If it were me I’d be sucking up those taxi fares or dh lost earnings and showing her that her feelings and her feeling safe matters more than money or my inconvenience.

I wish you all the best with the birth and your spd. I’m still suffering a year later so I wouldn’t assume you’ll be able to do the school run as soon as you give birth - although I hope very much that this is not the case for you. Perhaps have a plan b - can you get your own car? It can’t be great stuck somewhere isolated with a baby and no transport.

Her dad refused to return her when she was a toddler after a visit, I got her back and got social workers involved, quite a messy situation but I finally got sole custody. Other incident was 3 years ago, she was riding her bike out front while I went inside to fetch the washing to hang on the line and the man told her to get off her bike and tried to drag her over the road to the houses saying she shouldn't be riding her bike. Was terrified when it happened but the police were really reassuring, was more concerned about the impact on DD because it caused her nightmares for a long time (which was the main reason it actually reached court, because it showed he caused damage even though he didn't intend to).

We're figuring things out day by day to make sure she doesn't have to go alone if she doesn't want to. I don't have a license so can't drive. I really hope the SPD doesn't stick around after the birth, it's not been so bad this week though, was more painful I think in December. The doctor didn't really talk it over with me much, if I'm still suffering after the birth would it be damaging to walk when it hurts or is it just that if I walk when it hurts I'll suffer but it won't make things worse? Because if it's not worse than it is now then I don't mind walking to keep DD feeling safe but obviously don't want to risk doing myself some damage.

I'm sorry but I'd just have to walk my daughter even if it caused me immense pain, I wouldn't want to think of my child walking through a dark forest and being scared,especially after an incident like that with that man

I had suffered SPD during my pregnancy with my son so I get it, but I don't know, if find a way to make sure my child was safe getting there and back to school

Not a dig at you OP x

God your poor kid

OP it sounds like you and your DD have had a very unlucky few years - but you (and the social workers and police!!) are right in believing that you can't let these past incidents cloud your judgement regarding what seems to be a very normal school run in comparison with your DD’s peers. Glad you talked to both her and her teacher and you’re all working on a solution for your original problem - sure it won’t be so much of a problem now it’s no longer so dark

Also hope your DD’s had a lovely birthday and wishing you good luck with the birth of your new DC!

It sounds like in idyllic Finland where nothing ever happens and all is safe your child has had more frightening moments than your average child. She was out alone at 4- something terrible happened but you still allowed her to go out alone. There was then another incident and this was all after a major issue as a toddler.
Seriously now OP you have to protect your child. Your primary role as her mum is to keep her safe and you are not doing that. Stop telling yourself that nothing bad could happen- three things already have. Find a way to take her to school every day until she is old enough to protect herself properly.

Three incidents? Eh? What third incident have you imagined? There was two, her dad when she was a toddler and the man when she was four. And with all due respect, I'm going to put more stock into the opinions and advice of the social workers and police who actually live here who told me not to parent from a place of fear despite those two incidents.

My primary role as her mum is to raise her into a competent adult actually. I am finding ways to take her to school each morning for as long as she wants me to, when she doesn't want me to any more then I'm not going to be afraid to let her go by herself again. If I were to wait until she were 'old enough to protect herself properly' I'd be waiting forever because even adults very often can't protect themselves against someone who wishes to do them harm but we all recognise how ridiculous it would be to walk a teenager to school for example, instead we recognise that we need to balance risk with benefit and the benefits of gaining independence at the same rate as her peers are important while the risks, the actual statistical risks, are small.