Would it BU to ask the teacher to remind DD to go to the loo before hometime?

[Natsku]

DD nearly always forgets to go to a wee before she leaves school and then she ends up desperately needing it while on the walk home and the last few days she's come home soaked from wetting herself (which is not just unpleasant for her but verging on dangerous as I expect walking in wet clothes increases the risks of hypothermia and it's been -15 lately in the afternoons)

I'm not there to remind her myself as she walks alone and I just physically can't go to pick her up at the moment because my SPD is too bad and no amount of reminding her in the morning seems to help her remember by hometime, but I'm worried it would be a bit unreasonable to ask the teacher to take responsibility for reminding her as she is probably very busy at hometime and I don't want to be that parent (I'm worried I already am for some other reasons and don't want to be more of a bother) but fed up of washing DD's snowsuit every day and her skin on her inner thighs is getting really sore from the wee and the wet trousers rubbing on her.

It's Finland bobstersmum. It's really good because they have cross-country ski-ing and adventurous walks through dark forests in sub zero temperatures for little girls in wet knickers and unlike namby-pamby Britain they have absolutely no issues with child protection.

It sounds like a mash up of Swallows and Amazons and Little Red Riding Hood.

what temperature is your sauna when DC go in? - My 4-year old comes to our regular 90-100 degree sauna, loves it. Most Finnish women keep going to sauna when pregnant so the kids probably get used to it

The people tripping over themselves to fawn over Finnish culture are completely overlooking the fact that a 6 yr old has said she is scared walking to school alone and in the dark and it's taken coming on here for the op to say she'll have a think about maybe walking her some of the way soon.

Do most Finnish women disregard their six-year-old child's fears KatharinaRosalie? I'm kind of guessing that like most British women they don't

There’s been a ridiculous amount of fawning over the Finnish culture when the only things that has ever been said are the children make their own way to and from school at young ages, stay at home on their own because there’s no childcare and that there’s ski trails and forests. And that the whole community raises the child
It’s nonsense.
There’s plenty that’s good and there’s plenty that’s not like every other place on the planet.

Don't know what else to say here I am listening to you all and thinking this through. She is happy about the walk home, enjoys it, and doesn't want me to walk with her so I won't and I'm not going to worry about that or any extremely unlikely dangers.
She isn't happy with the walk there so I have to figure something out, so I will, somehow. I don't want her to be scared and I'm glad this thread pushed me to find that out, I do appreciate that even if I've been a bit defensive about it all. I'm not a mind reader though, I can't know what she doesn't tell me.

soupforbrains I got the baby box a few months ago

tornado her friend usually walks the quicker route from his house in the mornings rather than the forest route. He lives just past the half way point anyway which is when it gets light so she's not scared any more.
Have the sauna at around 70 degrees, she likes it at that temperature but will spend about half the time on the lower bench.

@Natsku what did you get in your box? Would you mind telling us? I absolutely love love love the idea of them.

@Natsku I hope you can find a way around this, would your dh be able to drop her at school or at a friends house so they could walk together if she wanted that?

It all sounds so different from the UK and I'm afraid for me the UK way is better so you may feel my posts are not relevant for you but I do wish you well (and visited Finland last year and loved it).

Thanks!

What time does your DH leave in the morning? Could he drop DD to her friends (assuming there's a parent there!) on his way to work? I know I wouldn't mind that for a couple of weeks til you're able to walk again. Or is there a neighbouring child from one of the older classes who would go with her?

@soupforbrains Can see what I got in the baby box here imgur.com/a/CPibB

OH usually leaves for work between 7 and 8 but it does vary a lot. I'll ask her walking friend's mum if she can be dropped off there, if not then I'll just figure out something else, maybe one of OH's brothers can help. Or wonder if she'd be allowed to sit in the school library if OH drops her at 8 when school opens. Will figure out something anyway, if not then walk as far as I can with her (might get the baby out sooner if I walk anyway then would be closer to solving the problem)

There is good and bad here undomestic you're right, but on the whole I think the way children grow up here is good.

limited I walked 3.5K to school through forest every day, from age 6-7, in the dark mostly in the wintertime. Luckily I wasn't scared but honestly I don't know what my parents would have done if I said I didn't want to. It was just something you did, like every other kid.

That is the general attitude, it's just what you have to do so they do it, and I guess I have been going along with that attitude too since picking it up. Re-thinking it now though so that I'll walk with her for as long as she wants me to, not planning on going back to work until baby is at least two years old and I bet it'll be long before that that she decides it's horribly embarrassing to be walked to school by a parent!

OP, the strategies you are now coming up with are what you should have come up with months ago when your child first started school. It's called parenting and yes, it's a juggle, and sometimes it's hard to be where you need to be at the right times but people manage it whilst holding down full time jobs. Sending a young child out in the cold and dark to walk for the best part of an hour because it's more convenient to you is awful.

Make sure you get an extra kick in there at the OP, Whowhy. Important that everyone knows how much superior you are.

Or, Sonjadog, it might remind the OP to listen to her child BEFORE it gets to the point where she is wetting herself on the way home.

I would have thought the whole incident would do that rather than posters pointing out how if she were a proper parent like them she would have done it months ago.

But getting the boot into people seems to be many people´s prime reason for posting on AIBU these days, so I am sure many others will be along to tell you how great you are and how awful the OP is shortly.

I think it sounds like OP didn't really have much choice and tried to ignore her own doubts. Her DP doesn't sound much use tbh and it sounds a bit like she and her dd have just been left to get on with it, with very little choice to do otherwise as "this is what happens here, get on with it ".

I'd have thought the first time the child vocalised that she was frightened, or pissed herself, would have done that. and yet here we are.

It was much easier to pretend the issue was that the kid was forgetting to go to the toilet than it was to admit that the 6 year old child had been put in an untenable situation by the decision to have another baby, meaning her mother oculdn't walk her through the forest in the dark morning

Because that IS what has happened. And it was ignored repeatedly because to acknowledge it was to open this huge can of worms (Finnish SS involvement, history of trauma, child required to walk alone, in the dark, in -15, covered in urine). SO maybe what has been learned her is to sort this shit out in the first place and not leave it until your six year old little girl is at fucking crisis point.

In defence of the OP, it is very hard when you, as an outsider, are faced with such a different culture concerning what is appropriate for your children. You can think its definitely not ok or be unsure that it is ok, but the teachers (in OP's case also social services) are telling you it is. All the other parents and children are doing it too. So you override what you are thinking because "it's what they do here."

I was lambasted by DS's teacher for not letting him out to play by himself so he could gain a bit independence. He was 4. She also complained that he didn't know how to cut fruit and vegetables with a sharp kitchen knife. It hadn't occurred to me to let him try, because to me sharp knives and children don't mix. But as she explained, when they are preparing the morning snacks together and she has 18 children with sharp knives, she needs to know that they know what they're doing.

It's also hard for the children to speak out when they see everyone else doing it and know they are expected too. I once walked my DS to school when he was 5. He was laughed at and called a baby and asked why he needed mummy to accompany him.

Honestly OP, don't beat yourself up about it. People will be happy to help. Ask them. Explain to the adults that DD is scared of the walk in the dark, explain to the kids that you don't want her walking alone because if she needed you, you wouldn't be able to get to her because of SPD/baby. Review once the baby is here (good luck with the impending arrival!), will your DH get any paternity leave?

Tornado, out of interest, are you in Finland too? (sorry if you've said and I couldn't see it).

I didn't need to do it months ago because she was perfectly fine with the walk months ago ffs, it wasn't dark and cold months ago, it's not winter all year round here you know.

He can't take any paternity leave apart from the few days in the hospital Tornado unless his brother can take over his work for him, we had planned for his other brother to cover his work while he took a proper paternity leave but he's flaked on us now (it's a family firm, him and his dad - if the work isn't done then there's no money for any of us)

No I'm not in Finland. But neither am I in the UK. Ah that's a pain Natsku. I wasn't sure, DH got one day with DC1 and two with DC2 because, you know, I might need a bit of extra help with DC1 Just as well DC2 came early on a Saturday morning! DS is 8 and the threat of being walked to school comes in useful

you're in Switzerland aren't you, Tornado? Packing list for a 4-year olds school trip to forest also includes a real Swiss knife.

Those crazy Swiss eh... the Finns look tame in comparison, they aren't requiring 4 year olds to take a real Swiss army knife on a school trip!

It's the downside of self-employment, you don't get all the benefits and securities of normal employment but you do get to charge a hell of a lot more to your clients (the money is still all going to pay back the loans they took out when starting the firm, hoping next year they can finally make a profit and OH can pay himself more than the bare minimum to cover our bills)