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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would it BU to ask the teacher to remind DD to go to the loo before hometime?

518 replies

Natsku · 24/01/2018 11:30

DD nearly always forgets to go to a wee before she leaves school and then she ends up desperately needing it while on the walk home and the last few days she's come home soaked from wetting herself (which is not just unpleasant for her but verging on dangerous as I expect walking in wet clothes increases the risks of hypothermia and it's been -15 lately in the afternoons)

I'm not there to remind her myself as she walks alone and I just physically can't go to pick her up at the moment because my SPD is too bad and no amount of reminding her in the morning seems to help her remember by hometime, but I'm worried it would be a bit unreasonable to ask the teacher to take responsibility for reminding her as she is probably very busy at hometime and I don't want to be that parent (I'm worried I already am for some other reasons and don't want to be more of a bother) but fed up of washing DD's snowsuit every day and her skin on her inner thighs is getting really sore from the wee and the wet trousers rubbing on her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Natsku · 26/01/2018 19:23

We had our sauna chat, school is ok, the two boys that were a problem before, one of them is apparently not so annoying now and not so noisy, and the other is only with the class for playtime (must have been moved to special ed) and DD says he's really nice now. But we talked about the baby and when I asked if she thought I'd have less time for her once baby is here she said no but she was hesitant about it so I think that it is worrying her a little at least.

I told her that I'll want to get more exercise once my hips are better after baby is born so would she like it if I walked to and from school with her and she said she wants me to walk with her in the mornings when it's still dark because it's a bit scary when it's dark but not after school because it's nice then and she likes the walk. So I'll walk with her in the mornings as soon as my SPD is gone.

So I am a bit confused now, she likes the walk home but that's when she wets herself, she's not so keen on the walk there but no accidents then. Maybe it is the cold weather?

OP posts:
KatharinaRosalie · 26/01/2018 19:53

Maybe it's the school bathrooms? She can go at home in the morning, therefore no accidents. Again my own experience but I never liked to go to bathroom at school, even though they were perfectly decent.

Whowhatwhy · 26/01/2018 19:54

She's walking to school alone in the dark and wants you to do it with her but you can't???!!! Bloody hell op. I'm lost for words.

MsGameandWatching · 26/01/2018 20:04

I think most six year olds would be scared walking in a dark forest alone. I don't care how "independent" their culture believes they should be. I'd find a way to get her there, accompanied, in the morning, one way or another.

crunchymint · 26/01/2018 20:18

Children can be very different dependent on the culture they are brought up in. My DP used to walk to school down a dark lane and was never frightened, because living where he did, being outside in the dark was normal and not something to be frightened of. Very different for young children for whom that is an unusual experience.

Whowhatwhy · 26/01/2018 20:26

But this child has said she doesn't like it because it's dark. She is also wetting herself. Six is six. I don't care how mature, or Scandinavian or wordly wise they are. This is a six year old!

Original poster
Natsku · 26/01/2018 20:51

I can't right now but as soon as I can walk I will. Maybe OH will be able to go into work a bit later for the next couple of weeks and drive her in the mornings, depends on what work he has on at the moment.

She loves being out in the dark in the evenings with her torch but in the mornings she's tired and it's colder so that probably affects it. She said she tries to think of it as an adventure but would like it better if I were with her. It would explain why she was fine in the Autumn term because it wasn't dark then. Won't be much longer until it's light in the mornings again anyway, sunrise is at 9 now and she leaves at 8:20, should be rising by 8:20 by the middle of next month according to the almanac.

OP posts:
becotide · 26/01/2018 21:02

"She said she tries to think of it as an adventure"

That poor kid is so frightened and is trying not to show it. How can you send her out in the dark to walk forty five minutes in MINUS 15? Do you have no empathy, or memory of being six?

I don't give a shit about cultural differences and I don't care about your SPD. In the UK your kid would be in CARE if you persisted with this horridness.

Greensleeves · 26/01/2018 21:09

If OP can't walk though, she can't walk. I was in a wheelchair for months with SPD. Not sure how I would have got through a snowy forest.

Can your dh not just juggle his workload and take her OP? It does sund like this may be the nub of the problem.

becotide · 26/01/2018 21:10

taxi or homeschooling then. Not forcing a frightened six year old to walk alone for more than a mile of dark forest.

Jesus, has she read Little Red Riding Hood?

becotide · 26/01/2018 21:11

What if I were to say the only way to control my 6 year old was to beat him with a leather whip if he didn't comply? Normal in some cultures!

MrsAmaretto · 26/01/2018 21:19

Have you asked her where in her walk home is she having a pee? Is it happening when she close to home? My son would wet his trousers just as he got into the house off the school bus because he was relaxing in anticipation of getting to the toilet (hope that makes sense). Also is she going to the toilet enough at school? He also didn’t go to the toilet between lunch and home time as he was too busy (his words!). Given that some have been saying it could be linked to constipation would it be worth speaking to a pharmacist/doctor?

Thanks for the info on SnowFox. Do kids carry them with them in the summer? Do they slip into pockets easy? It looked a bit bulky on the website? I’m worried he’d take it out if it got in the way of den building etc. My son & his friends (7&8) are allowed to roam in the fields around our home but it can take a good while to find them at dinner time. I’m tempted to get him one.

I’m shocked at some of the responses on this thread. My son & his friends were outside 8:30-5pm this past weekend sledging & playing in the snow, no adults, just free to roam their usual area & have fun. Maybe it’s living North (& by that I mean 60 degrees North in Shetland, not Manchester 😂) where there is not this adult made fear of predators that helps.

Original poster
Natsku · 26/01/2018 21:22

Going to see if he can Greensleeves it depends on what clients he has at the moment as to whether he can be flexible with his hours. Last time I walked through that forest with her was in early December when my SPD wasn't anywhere near as bad and I couldn't get back, almost had to take a lift from a stranger if OH hadn't got back in time.

You're getting a bit ridiculous now becotide comparing it to beating with a whip??! There's just two short sections that are dark, the actual ski path is properly lit by flood lights of course like ski paths always are.

OP posts:
Whowhatwhy · 26/01/2018 21:28

Becotide I absolutely agree with you and I'm totally astounded that anyone would think otherwise to be honest.

Original poster
Natsku · 26/01/2018 21:29

It's right near when she gets to home MrsAmaretto one of the days it happened just as she came in the door, the others when she was getting to our road. Don't know if she goes to the toilet much while in school, maybe she's 'too busy' too.

I put DD's snowfox on a lanyard that she hangs round her neck when she's playing out or going for a wander (for school it goes in her backpack) but fits in a pocket quite easily as well. Definitely makes it easier to call her in for dinner!

I'm only 2 degrees further North than you!

OP posts:
KatharinaRosalie · 26/01/2018 21:30

yes, of course walking is totally comparable to beating a child with a leather whip Hmm

BlueMirror · 26/01/2018 21:32

That's really sad that she is saying she would rather have someone with her. Is there no-one she could go with? A neighbour or someone at least until it's light?

autumnboys · 26/01/2018 21:34

I haven’t managed to read the whole thread, so apologies if it’s been suggested, but what about a she-wee or similar? They have a bit of a knack to them, but might be worth a try. (Your comment about ‘if she was a boy, it wouldn’t matter’ made me think of it.)

Original poster
Natsku · 26/01/2018 21:38

Maybe I could walk her to the start of the lit ski path, that's only a couple hundred metres away, I can probably manage the pain for that short distance. That is, if OH can't drop her off for the next couple weeks.

OP posts:
SupremeCommanderTrinityRhino · 26/01/2018 21:38

Can't she just wee in the forest.

And ffs walk with her. She's 6 and told you she is scared.

frogsoup · 26/01/2018 21:38

"perhaps Finland is very different to Ireland."

If there is ONE thing that comes out of this thread it is surely that Finland is indeed very different to Ireland, and to the UK! Luckily for them - no pearl-clutchers talking about taking your child into CARE (!) for the horridness of letting their child walk home a short distance from school through a beautiful snowy forest with her friends, in a totally normal, culturally-accepted way. (Also, how much do you people walk if you think 2km is a long way?!! My 3yo walks a total of 7km daily on the school run with her siblings (and me, I hasten to add!).)

Having said that, if she doesn't like the morning walk because it's dark, I do sympathise with her, so if there is any possible alternative to that I would definitely consider it until it gets lighter.

becotide · 26/01/2018 21:42

6 years old
frightened
walking alone
through woods
in the dark

vs

whipping

Yes whipping is worse, however whipping is SUPPOSED to be a punishment. The walking frightened in the dark is this child's every day life. A punishment for being born in a country that doesn't value her needs as much as her perceived independance, I suppose.

UndomesticHousewife · 26/01/2018 21:43

Becotide was making the point that what might be a cultural norm in some places isn’t actually acceptable despite it being normal in that society.

Whether it’s ok is actually up to you and your dh and your dd, although I do think that you’re using the ‘it’s normal here’ because actually you have no other choice-you don’t drive and can’t walk and usually you’re at work so she has to go herself.
It really is not anything I’ve heard of or even seen that a child of that age does that kind journey alone but you don’t seem to have another option.
Are you that rural that there’s no buses she can take part way at least?

Maybe if you lived in one of the big cities it would be different.

Finland is very different from the U.K. crime is low, though there’s only around 5.5million people in Finland so that’s a consideration with statistics..per head of population it’s probably a similar level of crime to here, but it wouldn’t occur to people that a child would be taken (although it’s ridiculous to assume that Finland has no child predators) however there’s other dangers that don’t involve being kidnapped by a predator and having a GPS tracker thing is a good idea I’ve no idea what you’d actually be able to do if something happened as you don’t drive and even if you could walk it would be maybe half hour away.

becotide · 26/01/2018 21:43

How does she know it's a beautiful forest if it's dark? Oh, that's right, it's from when she walks back, alone and soaked in her own piss in minus 15.

becotide · 26/01/2018 21:48

or, you know, as it's Finland and not the Uk, and therefore sparsely populated and heavily forested, perhaps she's frightened of being taken by a fucking BEAR.

Finland has wolves and bears. And six year old children are small.