No one wants to come to dd party

[Celp28]

My daughter is turning 13 on Friday. She has invited 9 friends for a sleepover and no one has responded to her invite. She has a so called best friend who has told her she doesn’t want to come and she doesn’t think others will want to come if she doesn’t come and that my dd is ‘a freak’. I’m so bleedin angry! Aibu to contact the girls mum to inform her her darling daughter is a bully or leave it?

Like other people have said if my DD had said that/acted like that to one of her friends I’ll want to know so I could give her a bloody good lecture and understand why she was being so cruel. Little cow (the ‘friend’ not your DD )

Vile girls your poor daughter. I see you have plans now but I was going to say Selfridges. If you are going into Bham pop into Selfridges and get her loads of funky stuff and a makeover.

Actually Op I remember posting on threads like this when ds was going through that stuff. It's extremely common and it helped to know he wasn't the only one. I can still see him sitting eating pizza with the one friend who showed up, putting a brave face on it . I wish I'd thought of giving them both an extra special treat. Hindsight is 20/20.
If it's any consolation, ds is now 18 and got through it and now has a huge circle of friends, maybe too many!

It’s beyond painful to see your precious kids being hurt like this. However it does happen to everyone snd it is a milestone in sorting out the nice from the nasty and s learning experience.

Still bloody horrible though

Celp28 I got loads of support here when DD went through a similar situation. Being isolated is bullying, and everyone advised me to talk to school, so I did. School was very supportive.

Op, you sound lovely and supportive and I'm sure your dd will have a good birthday with you all around her.

I had a vicious best friend at that age. My parents moved me to another school with her being a small but considered part of the reason. Can you encourage your dd to make friends outside of school, join clubs etc - without the friend being aware she's doing it? Might give her perspective and loosen the grip.

Interestingly, my former friend has very few friends herself in adulthood. I wish her no harm and we're still in infrequent touch but she did make my life hellish for a while.

Sending big hugs to you and your DD OP - it's lovely that everyone is being so supportive on here and I hope she ends up having a really nice birthday.

Going forwards though, are there any outside school activities or clubs that your DD could get involved in, like swimming, gymnastics or drama (for example)? I say this because I have quite a few friends whose DCs are involved in similar clubs.

The parents all say the same thing - that it's been so useful for their DCs to have a social group outside of their school one, as they're now much less bothered by any drama or bitchiness that goes on at school, as they have this other hobby/sport and social group going on in their lives as well. It's been massively helpful for their social development in the long run.

Didn't see Whirlygirly's post when I wrote mine - same advice almost! 😃

This:
“I agree with all the pp who suggest joining out of school activities to make new friends.
But it sounds also as if it would be worth trying to branch out to new friends at school. Although that is easier said than done, can dd join some in school clubs and societies, take part in charity projects/drama - to mix with different people at school?“

And definitely recommend joining club/activity outside school. You seem a decent person and your DD has behaved very sensibly in playing it down. Hope she walks into school on Monday with head held high, a big smile and maybe a great new hairstyle/ nails etc. I hope she can find the strength to walk away from this toxic group even if it means sitting alone or with strangers in school for a while (like many others l’ve been there). It will give her the confidence to know she can cope on her own and doesn’t “need” them. In time she will make new and nicer friends. Would also recommend having confidential chat with school so they can keep an eye on things and stop anything escalating. Good luck and have a great weekend

These threads make me so sad and bring back my own memories...it’s been a long time since I left school and I still have a deep rooted dislike for the girls that were total cows to me. I got a Facebook friend request from one of them once and just thought wtf, she obviously had no clue!
I have a dd and I really worry about how I will handle these situations as a parent when the time comes. I think you have done absolutely the right thing and I’m sure your dd will have a lovely day.

When I was 13 I was in the same situation as your dd. My “bf” was awful to me and a natural born ringleader so everyone followed suit. I rose above it and was always nice to everyone(which probably made me a walkover) but one day another friend of mine stood up for me and the tides changed. Suddenly everyone said they hated the way this girl treated everyone, in particular me as I was so nice. It took a while but oh my god my self confidence soared. To this day if someone is wretched I smile and walk on. Karma will catch up. Your heart must be broken for your daughter for your daughter but hopefully my story will bring you or her some sort of hope.

dont call the mom that is not gonna end well. maybe the girl is just being honest or maybe shes being a bit.... chah! if you get involved you just do not know what will be happening tomorrow. its so fickle. and also if hse is just a bit..of a ....then her mom probably wont be charming either. they do get it from somewhere. you could always do a ring around in general just to get an idea of numbers nad if people say they cant come or theres only one or two coming go do something else awesome and fun. doesnt have to be fancy, if you are with good people then youll have fun. sometimes these arranged things are so full of pressure and so pretentious and shallow that its not even fun cos of the judging and the one upmanship. a really nice lunch out and go shopping or to see a band play whoever the new justin beiber is if you could get tickets. or just something hella fun. and sometimes your best friend is your worst enemy as we all know. bit chas be trippin.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ring the mum to see if her daughter is coming. You need time to plan. You could mention there might be a misunderstanding. I’m sorry this has happened to your daughter.

I'm confused as to why a hurt girl is a bully! Ridiculous. Blaming the victim. This isn't kindergarten. At 13, "freaks" are often the nicer girls who aren't into getting dressed up, made up and looking for boys. It sounds like she'd rather be home. That's a good thing.

Do not call mothers. It will make things worse. Tell her to hold her head up and not let anyone see she's hurt (of course she is but bullies feed on pain).

Short term take her some place fantastic with party money.

Long term, find her something like riding lessons so she can find a more reasonable set of friends.

Best wishes to both of you

What an amazing mum you are!
Such a difficult and painful situation, I almost cried reading the thread, firstly for your daughter, then for your pain, then at the lovely responses and advice.

My daughter is the same age, and has ASD. She has no close friends at the moment and I usually feel so sad for her (although she seemshappy enough). Reading some of the shitty stuff on here makes me feel that she is maybe dodging a bullet.

Why would Op ring any of the mothers?

No one has replied, & now that it has been cancelled-has anyone said "oh no, what's happened I was really looking forward to it"?

As I put earlier, I do find it hard that no one would go on the say so of one girl-are they all being bullied by her??

ore like they have all decided it would be "fun" to be nasty to Op's daughter.

Hi op. I went through this and I have to teach my Dd about relationship bully’s in the infants and go through it all again inY5. She has learnt some harsh but valuable lessons about what real friends are. There is a great website called mighty girl that has great advise and some brilliant books on dealing with just this kind of thing. It breaks my heart how girls learn to hurt each other so young. Every woman has experienced it and it’s wrong.

This is so so sad, but there is such a good side to it - your daughter and you clearly have a close enough relationship that she can come to you when she feels insecure and awkward and talk about this with you. In ten years time, these idiot girls she is “friends” with will be long out of her mind - but she will remember and cherish the closeness you two have. I know because I still have that with my mum! She is my best bud.
I think you should take your daughter on a lovely spa day, have a nice meal and a proper “grown up” day out as a treat with you. Me and my stepmum used to do this to bond more and it always made me feel really special and like a proper little woman!
She is way above all this silliness and hopefully she will find a great core group of friends who aren’t total tw*ts to her.

Op, I have 16 year old DD who has been through a similar situation which began when she was 11.Things went from bad to worse in secondary school and finally, she broke down one night last year and told me everything that had been going on at school with a group of girls who ostracised her from the group. She had previously told me little bits and pieces but had kept to herself just how awful dragging herself into school was.I tried giving her strategies . Finally , after a year of being worn out with it all, she broke down I couldn't believe that girls could be such bitches. My DD is a sensitive soul and her self- esteem was rock bottom. I have never felt so helpless as a mother as I listened to her pour out how badly she was treated.( Girls excel at the subtle bullying, they are very careful not to get caught)!. There was one girl who was the ringleader ( I know her parents well) and my DD had called her out on being mean to another girl. Boy, did she pay for that!
DP and I decided to see the Head at the school to let her know how concerned we were about DD. We didn't expect the school to be able to do anything about it as the bullying was not overt.Head listened, asked for names, dates etc. We did point out that DD didn't know about our visit but as Head wanted to talk to her, we had to tell her. We also did ask that the group would not know of our visit as that would no doubt have made life hell for DD.Within a week , things had changed hugely. School had made subtle changes with class groupings etc.DD felt supported and has slowly made a few new friends.
As others have pointed out, it's so important to be involved with activities outside of school and to have a separate group of friends .
DD is now on an exchange program in Spain for a few months and isloving life! Life is moving on for her and she is getting over the hurt and pain but she is a much stronger person.
I think that you have done the right thing! Your daughter will find her own 'tribe' and you are doing everything right! Encourage her to move around to other groups in the class. All she needs is one person that she can chat to at breaks .
Op, it's awful when we see the pain that our DDs go through but with you there guiding and listening to her, she will get through it. Have a wonderful weekend and a big Happy Birthday to your DD.

Wannabeskinnyminny, you're so right about subtle bullying by girls. I was a victim of this growing up; it was always me who got into trouble because I used to lash out when provoked. (I was a victim of abuse at home which meant I had serious anger issues anyway.) The girls who ostracised me constantly and verbally abused me never once faced any consequences for it.

I worry about my DDs now. My DD1 (8) gets ostracised, never gets invites to parties or to play dates, which is heartbreaking. My DD2 is a feisty little girl (5), who has lots of friends and is more likely to be one of the ones doing the excluding. I pull her up on it when she occasionally says something unkind about another child in her class, she seems to be learning, hopefully.

It really is sad how girls treat each other.

I have not posted for years but just had to comment on this.
Exactly the same happened when my oldest turned 13. But worse - they all said they would come then one by one dropped out. One girl did come and we went through the party rituals and had a sleepover.
Her 12th and 14th parties were very popular but we did come to realise - quite belatedly - that she was the subject of bullying (in which the school effectively condoned). I bitterly regret not taking her away from the school at the end of year 8. Investigate fully what lies behind this - yes give her a lovely day out and so on - but once bullying sets in it can be very hard to get your child out of that cycle; unfair though it may seem moving to another school and giving them a fresh start may be best.

ROselind didn't she confide in you? :( This is my fear....that my DD might go through it and not tell me.

The so called “best friend “ seems really manipulative and may not even be telling the truth. People who would take notice of such a person and follow such meanness don’t deserve a good time at DDs house anyway. Any slight difference in peers at that age can become a target but ironically it’s often the quiet and different types who end up successful in the real adult world- where noone cares who was popular at high school, its not important. Have a great family day spoiling DD xx

dd handled it well and said she’d cancelled as we are going to a hotel and special day out with her cousins which shut her down

OP, I think your DD handled this brilliantly. Reading all these stories of people who were ostracised by so-called friends, I really don't know whether to be reassured that it's normal and happens to lots of people, or horrified that so many people would behave like that / suffer like that

I did see some research online which suggested that the Queen bee / top dog / cool crowd types get a lot of attention at school, but in later life, they don't tend to have such positive outcomes as the people who are jogging along somewhere in the middle, being polite and friendly to everyone. That does make sense to me

When my DD falls out with her schoolfriends, I remind her that everyone is still learning how to behave, and children's social skills / empathy are not yet developed

I agree with previous posters, who suggested your daughter might benefit from widening her social circle and maintaining friendships outside school

"dd handled it well and said she’d cancelled as we are going to a hotel and special day out with her cousins which shut her down"

The only problem with that is that she has cancelled her friends for her cousins.

Obviously a moot point as they had no intention of going, but they'll probably make something of it.