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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No one wants to come to dd party

254 replies

Celp28 · 23/01/2018 19:43

My daughter is turning 13 on Friday. She has invited 9 friends for a sleepover and no one has responded to her invite. She has a so called best friend who has told her she doesn’t want to come and she doesn’t think others will want to come if she doesn’t come and that my dd is ‘a freak’. I’m so bleedin angry! Aibu to contact the girls mum to inform her her darling daughter is a bully or leave it?

OP posts:
Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 23/01/2018 20:07

What have her other friends actually said? At that age you won't get the parents texting to accept an invitation; they'll sort it out amongst themselves.
And I wouldn't let that comment go, if you have the means to contact the other parent. Little madam.

MountainVista · 23/01/2018 20:08

My 13 year old self (who is very much still there and sounds a lot like your DD!) is in agony just reading this... Planning a nice day out for Saturday regardless is a great plan, and play Friday by ear. Be prepared for an impromptu family movie night (like your DD, I found a lot of comfort in family time during the hell of middle school).

Also think about how you'll help her handle school on Monday: the bullies will be watching to see the impact and even if you have a lovely weekend, this will be stressful.

bellie710 · 23/01/2018 20:08

I would say the problem could possibly be that you have invited too many? My DD was recently invited to a sleepover and there were 8 invited, she didn't want to go because they would all end up arguing etc in the end I think 3 went but the invited group didn't all get on which was the biggest problem.

blueshoes · 23/01/2018 20:09

I feel pretty angry and gutted for your dd that she is treated like that. The 'best friend' is the one that is the freak.

Does your dd have cousins around her age that you can invite over for an outing.

Theimpossiblegirl · 23/01/2018 20:13

There is a chance the other girl is just being mean and that the other are oblivious and planning on turning up. RSVPs seem to be a thing of the past now my DDs are teens and organise more things themselves.

If you are worried about friendships, I'd send an email to her tutor just to ask if everything seems ok, or if there are any issues.

Hope she has a lovely birthday. If the sleepover is a non-starter, family bowling and a meal out?

user1474652148 · 23/01/2018 20:14

Talk to dd and establish if you/ she actually even want these awful girls in your house. If the answer from dd is yes then you need to ring round each parent and find out if their dd will be coming or not.
You can't make a decision until you know for sure. My guess is that some of them will be planning to come despite what the horrid bf said.
To the mother of dd best friend I would absolutely tell her what has been said, and ask her directly if she knows why this has happened. Simply say you are dealing with a very upset child on the eve of her birthday.
Personally I would be inviting other children to celebrate my child's birthday doing something special alton towers is truly amazing for her age.

LoniceraJaponica · 23/01/2018 20:14

I would cancel anyway. I really feel for both of you as DD has had similar problems at school. I would go out for tea in the evening on Friday, and take her somewhere nice on Saturday as well.

Teenage girls can be utter bitches, and the crowd psychology that encourages isolation is made worse with the use of social media.

LoniceraJaponica · 23/01/2018 20:15

If your daughter is being isolated by this type of bullying I would contact the school as well.

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 23/01/2018 20:16

The friends comment to your daughter is awfulConfused

I'm wondering are these girls actually her friends? Or are they a friendship group that she has been hanging on the edge of that she wants to be part of, if it's the latter then she may think of them as her friends, but they may not feel the same way

It's awful no one has replied about coming to her party, but you can't force these girls to attend if they don't want to, that would be a recipe for leading to bullying ...

Treat her to a day out instead, something like a beauty salon treatment or hair and manicures, then lunch somewhere nice, and then see a show at the cinema or a movie at the cinema...

I hope your daughter has a wonderful day, and please try not to worry about those girls, encourage her to join some clubs away from school so she can make some completely new friends so she isn't as reliant on those girls

OCSockOrphanage · 23/01/2018 20:17

Take DD to London. Instant kudos with the 'friends'.

Fluffycloudland77 · 23/01/2018 20:18

Spa day at the belfry?

Viviennemary · 23/01/2018 20:20

That's grim. But girls of that age can be totally nasty. Not sure I'd get the Mum involved in this spat at this stage. You could ring round the Mums and see who will be coming. Were you going out somewhere or just the sleepover. I think nine is a bit ambitious for a sleepover.

user1474652148 · 23/01/2018 20:20

Op the agony of listening to this must be awful, but it will pass. Your dd sounds like such a sweet and lovely girl

Original poster
Celp28 · 23/01/2018 20:20

Thank you for all being so kind, I’m feeling so upset for her and all protective and mother grizzly bear! The other girls just haven’t responded, all apart from the nasty little madam. I asked her if she’d spoken to the rest of the group at school and she said they all just said they’d ask their parents if they are allowed but that was last Friday and it hasn’t been mentioned since. She messaged them all last night to ask if anyone could make it but no response and she said she felt too awkward to mention it today at school, which tbf I think I would too!
I just really feel her pain and I want to make her feel better.

OP posts:
Sugarcoma · 23/01/2018 20:21

If you’re going to do something special with DD maybe can she take one friend (not her so called “best” friend) so at least she feels (and others will know) she hasn’t just had to spend the day with family IYSWIM?

Also maybe encourage her to join some out of school clubs to make friends there so not all her eggs are in one basket.

feska5 · 23/01/2018 20:22

How hurtful for your DD. Cancel the sleepover all together. Do something fun as a family or take her to a spa and afternoon tea. Also I would definitely tell the mother of her so called best friend. Seems to me DD’s best friend might be jealous of her and the ring leader of the other girls. They don’t deserve to be invited to your home. Hope your DD has a lovely birthday 💐

Lizzie48 · 23/01/2018 20:23

My DDs are younger (8 and 5), but I would want to know if they were unkind to someone who was supposed to be their best friend. It the friend's mum is known to you, and approachable, then I would talk to her and see what she knows. It could be put right.

But you also should think of something lovely to do with your DD for her birthday, if the party doesn't happen. A spa day sounds like a lovely idea. Smile

caperberries · 23/01/2018 20:24

Indoor skydiving? www.iflyworld.co.uk/

zzzzz · 23/01/2018 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlindLemonAlley · 23/01/2018 20:25

Ditch the horrible rude friends for a Spa Day. I just couldn’t stomach anyone in my home that called my DD a freak and had been so mean to her.

user1474652148 · 23/01/2018 20:26

Ps my dd is the same age and regularly goes to large sleepovers of this size. It can be fun and takes the pressure off if some cancel. I would want to be sure the girls coming will be kind to dd, a bad sleepover is worse than no sleepover and they will all gossip. It could make things worse.
It would be best to establish with dd what the girls are like before committing to having one this Friday and speaking to their parents

Original poster
Celp28 · 23/01/2018 20:30

I do know the other girls mum, only in passing, we aren’t friends but have chatted briefly when we have seen each other. Dd has been friends with her for about 18 months. I’m not sure how her mum would react, maybe I’ll message her. I don’t want to make things worse for dd though which is why I haven’t yet.
Thank you again for the suggestions and the support, you are a lovely bunch and I appreciate all the positive comments, it does help to know I’m not just being a sensitive soul x

OP posts:
MavisPike · 23/01/2018 20:32

From a mothers point of view , I would want the parents to contact me to see if my child could sleep over
They may have taken it as just a casual thing
Don't let one spiteful child ruin your DD birthday
Ring every single parent to confirm the invitation - except hers

blueshoes · 23/01/2018 20:33

Seems to me DD’s best friend might be jealous of her and the ring leader of the other girls.

Yes, I was wondering whether your dd's 'best friend' is a queen bee and the others are not strong enough to go against her and hence are dragging their feet on the RSVP. It is really hurtful for your dd and you.

She messaged them all last night to ask if anyone could make it but no response and she said she felt too awkward to mention it today at school, which tbf I think I would too!

This made me so sad. I am not all that comfortable in social situations and feel your dd's pain. I would agree to leave those girls to it and just plan an alternative event with your dd.

user1474652148 · 23/01/2018 20:34

Just seen your update.
Quietly ring round if you are going to go ahead without dd knowing, you can then steer the celebration accordingly.
Do you have other family members/friends outside/neighbours you could invite instead? So she can enjoy a special day? Even just a few?
I feel so much for your dd. I would definitely be contacting the school, this is bullying behaviour and needs to be nipped in the bud

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