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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No one wants to come to dd party

254 replies

Celp28 · 23/01/2018 19:43

My daughter is turning 13 on Friday. She has invited 9 friends for a sleepover and no one has responded to her invite. She has a so called best friend who has told her she doesn’t want to come and she doesn’t think others will want to come if she doesn’t come and that my dd is ‘a freak’. I’m so bleedin angry! Aibu to contact the girls mum to inform her her darling daughter is a bully or leave it?

OP posts:
DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 23/01/2018 21:02

Oh this is so horrid. Teenage girls can be so vicious. It happened to me once, slightly older, and I've never been able to have anything approaching a birthday party since for the panic of it. (I'm nearly 40!) Now DS is starting to have parties (had his first last week for 5th birthday) and I got anxious on his behalf in case no-one came! Totally irrational as all had RSVP'd, but I can pin point it exactly to my teenage embarrassment. Take control of thd situation and cancel now. Have a night away and make her feel really special.

lulusayshello · 23/01/2018 21:05

Agree with scrabbler's wording - nice and tactful. Although they make their own arrangements I think most parents of 13 yr olds want to know where they are going and who they are with, esp for a sleepover, so I think that makes it fine to contact the other mums if you can.

I feel so sad for your dd - girls can be so mean, and it's hard to help them draw a line under difficult friendships when that is the group they've been thrown together with for at least 5 years at school.

I hope it can be sorted out or that you can find something else that will make it a happy day for your dd.

elisaveta · 23/01/2018 21:06

My heart is aching for you and for DD, OP. I really hope it all works out somehow and that she has a lovely day. Why do teenagers have to be so unkind?

Original poster
Celp28 · 23/01/2018 21:06

I’m agreeing with the cancel it suggestion as I think it will spare her blushes. I just don’t know how to broach that with dd as she is still hopeful they will come and if I point out that they would of replied by now it will highlight it to her. I liked the suggestion of telling her I’m cancelling it as we are going out for the day on the Saturday but I kind of wanted it to be a surprise as I think a surprise would cheer her up more.

OP posts:
BlueMirror · 23/01/2018 21:08

If she does have any out of school friends or family then get her to invite them and go ahead with the sleepover and maybe a nice day out too. If any of the others turn up then great but if not it won't be a massive deal.

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 23/01/2018 21:09

Tell her you have arranged a suprise so need to cancel the sleepover but don't tell her what you have arranged. Or tell her you need to postpone the sleepover. Hopefully the horrible bitches will stop being horrible bitches in a few weeks so it can happen at a later date. But you need to cancel, not leave her hoping for something that might not happen, that would be too humiliating and sad.

meandmytinfoilhat · 23/01/2018 21:11

Could you book a hotel and spa night for you and your daughter?

Justgivemesomepeace · 23/01/2018 21:12

I wouldn't ring round the parents once I secondary school. OP hasn't got the numbers anyway. What is the dynamic with this group? Is 'bf' the queen bee and putting the others off? Does your dd socialise/mix with the others in breaks and lessons? My dd is part of a group but doesn't really have a best friend. Each year we do something nice for her birthday and she just chooses someone to ask to come. It seems to change each year and if the first one can't make it she just asks another. They're more likely to say yes if she asks 1-1 and only decline if they genuinely can't come, as they are not under pressure to say no if they are not asked in front of queen bee.

Failingat40 · 23/01/2018 21:12

I'd contact the parents of the other girls (not the nasty bf) and make sure they know it's an official invite for Friday.

Hopefully at least some will come and it'll fly in the face of the queen bee who i'd actually ban from ever being in my child's company again.

Honestly, speak to parents. Kids at that age still need a lot of guidance.

waterrat · 23/01/2018 21:12

me and my friends were pretty horrible to each other at this age - but calling someone a freak is absolutely horrendous.

I would assume things are bad for some reason (you will need to get to the bottom of it) and cancel the party and take her somewhere really good for the weekend.

I think you need to find out why she is being bullied by 'friends' though. Not acceptable. I would want to know if I was the other parent!!

Bossbaby12 · 23/01/2018 21:12

Your poor DD! Children can be so bloody cruel. I would definitely cancel if your DD is okay with that. As much as it will save her feelings if the other don't turn up, it'll also stop the 'best

Bossbaby12 · 23/01/2018 21:13

* sorry sent too quickly.

It'll also stop the 'best friend' thinking she can change her mind as she pleases. I hope she has an amazing birthday whatever it is you end up doing!

Lifeisabeach09 · 23/01/2018 21:18

Overnight stay at a nice hotel somewhere?? I took my daughter for mocktails at a posh hotel at Xmas. It was a hit!
Hope she has a wonderful birthday and, as I explain to my daughter, the world is full of dickheads (as well as good people).

becotide · 23/01/2018 21:18

I would cancel the sleepover. Her friends sounds like pricks and She will be better off doing something that was never supposed to involve them in the first place.

Non-school clubs can be vital at this age. I took refuge in a brass band where |I made friends that have lasted my life. Similarly, riding stables can be robust and unbitchy places - not much to be snide about when everyone is covered in horse shit!

ThatWasNotLove · 23/01/2018 21:18

Definitely cancel. The only thing worse than this is them coming and being utter bitches to her in the way that teenage girls can. In her house. For her birthday.

Tell her you're sorry, you've got a surprise and you need her to cancel. Then go and do something really fabulous. Ideally overnight stay involved.

honeyroar · 23/01/2018 21:20

It sounds as though the other girls are thoroughly under the nasty girl's thumb if none of them have replied to your daughter yet. So I would cancel. Book something special for her and tell her to tell the other girls they can't come anymore as her mum had to know numbers for the spa (or whatever) to book tickets and as nobody was polite enough to reply her mum just booked tickets without them. (I know you weren't going to take the, to a spa, but they don't need to know that - they just know that their meanness has made them miss out on something nice. They may think twice next time.. And if they suddenly say they can come, it's too late now.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 23/01/2018 21:21

I understand what you mean about the Saturday surprise celp but it might just feel like pity to her if she only knows after the (potential) no shows on Friday iyswim? I don't know, I think I'd say it to her tomorrow. Re highlighting the fact they should have replied by now... again, I see what you mean but better to highlight it tomorrow than have her really disappointed on Friday.

I know it's probably very petty of me Blush but I'll admit that my focus now would be helping her "save face" and if that involved a big fuck off gift or day out she can boast about before Friday I'd be giving her that "ammunition" before they can bring her down. Yeah I know I'm an adult and should be able to rise above it but...

drspouse · 23/01/2018 21:25

Are any of the girls friends with their mums on FB so you could find them via your daughter?
I'd contact one or two other mums - ones that seem nicer - ask if they'd heard about/given permission for the sleepover, as you aren't sure it's going ahead but hush hush as you are planning a surprise.
If the girls haven't even told their parents then that's easy. If they are just being lazy about replying she can uninvite the horrible girl and see which of the others come.

Heartbroken47 · 23/01/2018 21:36

My DD had this when she was 11. One of the girls said she wasn't coming and persuaded lots of the others not to come too. The parents were saying they were busy but we knew the reason. A second lot of invites went out and 5 came in the end. No more parties after that - too stressful for us all!

LoniceraJaponica · 23/01/2018 21:43

DD also had this at 11. The queen bitch at her school managed to get nearly all the girls in her class to send her to Coventry. I invited a couple of old friends, and DD really enjoyed her birthday in the end. As the girls got older and wiser they all drifted away from the QB as they realised what an utter bitch she was.

Brighteyes27 · 23/01/2018 21:43

Please cancel or postpone the party. Text or phone the non queen bees girls mums to say did was having a sleep over this weekend but sorry your having to postpone it don’t elaborate it will get back to queen bee you can arrange another in a few weeks time if things look ok. Have special time with DD.
We were in a similar position last year DD then 12 had a sleepover with her 3 best friends. What she hadn’t told me/us or maybe she didn’t want to acknowledge was the friendship was becoming a little strained. The 3 girls kept us waiting kept moving the time back when they were coming and eventually turned up quite late, we went out for pizza and another girl from the other 3’s form turned up at the pizza restaurant with her parents (which I don’t think was by chance) and she came over and held center stage at our table for at least half an hour. When they got back to ours 2 out of the three girls had bought DD silly babified birthday cards one with princess and one with peppa pig on age 5 and 6 on or something and cuddly toys as presents. DD wanted a chocolate cake and we sang happy birthday and the girls sang the wrong words and played music on their phones with the wrong words. The sleepover didn’t really go well and about a week after her birthday the girls fell out with DD completely but blamed her for being mean to them!!!
After a year of hell with friendships a few weeks ago we discovered she was pulling and eating her hair which has been dreadful. It’s her 13th birthday in a couple of weeks and she wants to go on a dog walk and to a dog friendly cafe. So I would rather this than her have a party with fake friends.

Original poster
Celp28 · 23/01/2018 21:45

She has cancelled it, bless her heart. Just sent a message to all saying ‘sorry sleep over cancelled as something has come up, maybe have one in a few weeks’. I just didn’t want that nasty girl gloating that no one turned up. Thank you again for your support and suggestions x

OP posts:
Original poster
Celp28 · 23/01/2018 21:49

Oh brighteyes that’s so awful! Your poor dd, I hope she learns that that are nice friends out there. My heart is breaking reading that story! I’m amazed at the level of nasty that some teenagers think is acceptable. I remember falling out and bitching with friends but that’s on another level!

OP posts:
DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 23/01/2018 21:49

Oh bless her. Well done. Breaks my heart. I had the misfortune to go to an all girls school and am of the opinion they should be banned! Teenage girls can be so cruel, and in really sneaky horrible ways. I hope she's OK. What are you planning for saturday?

LoniceraJaponica · 23/01/2018 21:51

FGS people, at least read the OP's updates if you can't be bothered to read the full thread Hmm

She has stated more than once that she has no contact details for the other parents. I assume you don't have children at secondary school because it really isn't usual to know the parents of your children's friends once they leave primary school.

I hope your daughter enjoys her birthday OP.

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