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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No one wants to come to dd party

254 replies

Celp28 · 23/01/2018 19:43

My daughter is turning 13 on Friday. She has invited 9 friends for a sleepover and no one has responded to her invite. She has a so called best friend who has told her she doesn’t want to come and she doesn’t think others will want to come if she doesn’t come and that my dd is ‘a freak’. I’m so bleedin angry! Aibu to contact the girls mum to inform her her darling daughter is a bully or leave it?

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 23/01/2018 20:34

Re the spa day, the Q group hotels, like Crewe Hall and such, do an overnight deal for much the same price as a spa day in lots of places. They have other venues, which may be nearer for you, but DD and I have been, and the food (and afternoon teas) are fab.

MrsMaxwell · 23/01/2018 20:35

Girls are so bloody horrid Sad

retirednow · 23/01/2018 20:37

You could ring misery guts mum and ask her if she knows anything about this. Changed your plans and pamper your daughter on a weekend spa treat in London instead. Her mum probably doesn't know what she said.

blueshoes · 23/01/2018 20:37

From a mothers point of view , I would want the parents to contact me to see if my child could sleep over

Mavis does have a point. At 13 years, the girls are at the cusp of being able to plan their own events but still rely on parents to do the heaving lifting. Perhaps you could send an email round to the parents to ask for RSVPs. That way if people don't reply or give various excuses, you can draw your own conclusions.

Original poster
Celp28 · 23/01/2018 20:39

I would love to call all the parents but I don’t have their contact details which is annoying, as a pp said, girls this age tend to arrange things themselves. That said, if my dd went to a sleepover I would insist I had the parents numbers and I’d leave mine with the parents. All the other parties she has been to have been meals out where I have dropped her off and collected her from the restaurant so no parents have exchanged details as dd has a mobile phone. I’m actually thinking this is awful in hindsight! Next time I will insist on swapping numbers with parents.

OP posts:
windchimesabotage · 23/01/2018 20:40

id be absolutely furious but id try and downplay it as much as possible to your DD because you dont want it to become this big traumatic event.
Just say to her that its a shame all her friends are in a huff right now and maybe you should do something special together instead and have a party another time when her friends have pulled themselves together.
Dont feed into the drama of her friends either... it may be a power thing for them. They will thrive off it having upset you and your DD.So just act as though they are being annoying and silly rather than it being a big giant deal.
Go out with your DD on a fancy spa day and have cream tea and go shopping.

AthenaAshton · 23/01/2018 20:41

Bloody teenage girls.

I have had similar with my DDs' so-called friends. Toxic vipers. I know it is horrible for both of you - her because she wants to be close to these people (even though you know they are not good enough for her) and you because you have to watch her going through this. Anything at all that even remotely takes her mind off it would help, though at that age all they want is to be liked and accepted by a bunch of cowbags.

Your DD sounds like a lovely girl, and I dare say these other girls won't be her friends when she's 17. But it's horrible for her (and you) to go through this now. Flowers

diddl · 23/01/2018 20:43

If one girl has managed to convince all the others not to bother, what will the mother say/do?

Won't the girl deny it & say it's not her fault if no one wants to go to someone elses party?

If the others wanted to go, wouldn't they have cleared it with their parents by now?

Tapandgo · 23/01/2018 20:46

Surely if your daughter has had 3 party invites she must have friends?
I doubt she is a bully ~ or the ‘friend’ would not have been brave enough to call her a freak.

I do hope some respond to the invite ~ I’d make sure they had a ball to the envy of others who refused!

MavisPike · 23/01/2018 20:47

You have two choices then
Tell your DD you've postponed the sleepover as you've managed to get tickets for > insert whatever <
Or
Ring the friends mobile from your daughters phone and ask to speak to one of their parents
Nice happy voice & ask them if their child is able to come

rcit · 23/01/2018 20:47

Take back control of the situation. Could your dd send messages to all her friends saying - hey, sleepover on Friday cancelled as [insert reason not to lose face eg sibling ill etc]

I don’t really understand why/how you would wait to see what happens. Control it so it can’t happen.

Disclaimer: control freak here

TheGirlWithAllTheFeathers · 23/01/2018 20:50

I think a mum and daughter weekend somewhere with a safari park or something really special. What a horrible bunch.

impossible · 23/01/2018 20:51

Be careful not to assume your dd is entirely objective in her telling of events. 13 is a difficult age and girls often imagine each other's behaviour is more complicated than it is. Your dd may be entirely innocent in all this but it's also possible she is oversensitive and has been tricky herself. Assume the best and perhaps ask bf's mum in a friendly way if bf is coming to the sleepover - the conversation might be illuminating.

I only say this because a friend of mine came out all guns blazing when her 13 year old dd said her bf was being horrible. She approached bf's mother only to find that her own dd had sent bf some spiteful text messages. The strange thing was that her dd hadn't realised she was part of the problem until a light was shined on her own behaviour. All in all it was embarrassing for my friend and she very much wished she'd taken a more conciliatory approach.

I do think if you invite too many dcs to a sleepover many wont come - my own dd hated sleepovers if there were more than a couple of other dcs. If a big group was going she would make whatever excuses would get her out of going.

Do make plans for your dd on the Saturday. Have a lovely mum and dd time however Friday goes.

WhendoIgetadayoff · 23/01/2018 20:51

I think the person who suggested your daughter takes just one friend for day out is great idea. Especially if she has friend that’s not part of this larger group? Someone that’s family or primary friend she gets on with but doesn’t see so much? That may make it feel special and not just mum. Or a cousin who is same age?
Or one of the bigger group she knows isn’t influenced by the horror - and you need to tell her to stay away from her as she’s clearly nasty.

Tapandgo · 23/01/2018 20:52

Also ~ have a quiet word with her form tutor or head of Year to see if their are any friendship issues at school.
Tell the teacher under no circumstances must your daughter or her pals know you have called.
If the form tutor/year tutor is any good they will get to her heart of it.

Lovemusic33 · 23/01/2018 20:53

Get your dd to ask everyone tomorrow if they are coming, if no one conforms then cancel.

My dd is similar to yours, she struggles with friends and her best friends are boys and we have a lot less drama, I think she has 5 friends (3 boys, 2 girls). It’s her birthday in 2 weeks and she has asked to take one of her friends to Pizza Hut.

BlueMirror · 23/01/2018 20:53

If the friends have all just ignored the text asking if they're coming I'd assume not. Does she have any friends/cousins from out of school that you could do a treat/sleepover with?

greendale17 · 23/01/2018 20:54

If it were me, I'd want to know if my daughter was being a bully. But that's me.

^This

Cabininthewoods69 · 23/01/2018 20:55

This is such an awful thing to hear. I'm not sure how I would react but I'd be so sad for my dd. Hugs

scrabbler3 · 23/01/2018 20:55

A message to the mum along the lines of "your DD has mentioned that none of the wider group wants to come to [dd's name] birthday celebration on Friday. I am now concerned that something may be amiss although dd cant think of anything she's done wrong. Can you shed any light on this? I'd be really grateful".

At 13 they're making their own arrangements, it's true, but I still think it's fine for parents to get involved if social bullying is occurring.

And many parents of 12/13 year olds won't be totally happy about sleepovers at the houses of kids whose parents they haven't communicated with at all, so don't assume that the others will show up. I think you'll need to find the parents on social media, or get your dd to give the girls your email address/tel number to pass to their parents.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 23/01/2018 20:56

I agree with rcit re taking control. Definitely don't wait and see, it could be really humiliating for her. I think it's nearly easier sometimes for a child to say my mum cancelled it/my mum won't let me...

If she doesn't know by Wednesday evening I think I'd see if she prefers to knock it on the head. It won't make it less hurtful for dd Sad but it might just spare her the embarrassment on Monday if these girls are watching for a reaction.

BlackberryandNettle · 23/01/2018 20:57

I'd have a quiet word with the school and see whether you can chase up the parents. Which are the nicest of the friends? Perhaps just chase those as theso called best friend sounds awful. If no-one is coming, a lovely day out shopping followed by maybe a show would be good perhaps, although possibly late to get tickets.

lottiegarbanzo · 23/01/2018 21:00

I do wonder if the invitation has got through to the invitees' parents.

Could you call or send a message to the 'best friend's' mum, just casually checking whether she's coming? It would at least prompt a discussion between them and give the mum a way in to talk to you, if concerns emerge.

The 'bf's' comments are horrible but they could have been a momentary thing. How did your dd interpret it, was she shocked? Was it out of the blue to her, out of character for the bf? Or is she a bit in thrall to the bf normally?

Depending on that, I understand your dd might not want that friend to come now anyway. In which case you need to cancel, so the parents know.

LovingLola · 23/01/2018 21:00

A message to the mum along the lines of "your DD has mentioned that none of the wider group wants to come to [dd's name] birthday celebration on Friday. I am now concerned that something may be amiss although dd cant think of anything she's done wrong. Can you shed any light on this? I'd be really grateful".

The OP has said that she does not have contact details for any of the parents.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/01/2018 21:01

Oh my goodness, what a nasty spiteful girl, I would not be surprised if she has influenced the others not to come. I agree with people, cancel the sleepover and do something nice with her. Does she have activities outside school, encourage that so she widens her circle of friends. If there is bullying in school, definitely go to the head of year.

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