Step monsters... I mean children

[Mellie1025]

I'm at the end of my very long rope and I'm not sure what to do about it.

I have a step child who's life I have been actively involved with for four years now. She was four when her dad and I got into a serious relationship. We've all lived under one roof now for two year. When I say all it's me, my partner, my daughter who's 15 and this child (50 percent of the time). She's an incredible jealous child who comes by it honestly because her mother is raising her to be hateful and rude.

We have been through it all with this kid. From her lying, to stealing and hiding stuff to her mother calling childrens services and having them come into our home and ask questions about our sex life. This past weekend was the last straw from me. She was in the bathroom having a shower and she broke the holder we use for our tooth brushes... Came from the dollar store, it wasn't a big deal... Instead of her just telling her dad it got broken and moving with life, she blamed me... I wasn't even in the same room. Daddy dearest believed her and it caused a HUGE blow out. I know it's not all her fault, and the adults in her life need to start taking control and teaching her right from wrong.

I love my partner dearly and the 50 percent of the time she's not with us we have a wonderful life and get along famously. I'm considering not being there when he has his daughter over just to avoid fighting and arguing.

I need advise badly.

I have a step dd who I love dearly. A few months after meeting her (aged 5 at the time), I followed her to the bathroom to supervise toothbrushing. I was standing at the door when she smacked herself on the head and yelled "Ow! Stop hitting me!" To say I was shocked is an understatement. Now, her dad not only heard her say it, but was standing right beside me in the hallway, so could see I was nowhere near her, but she couldn't see he was there. Had he not been standing right there I can well imagine how the situation could have escalated! It was completely out of character for her, and she got a stern telling off by her dad. She's never done anything like that since.

Step parenting is very tricky, because the children are dealing with emotions and situations that children from stable (unblended) families don't experience, which definitely does affect their behaviour. Added to that, there's no natural maternal/paternal bond (in either direction), plus, just because the child's parent loves you it doesn't mean the child has to or wants to. It can be very upsetting for both the child and the step parent!

You don't tend to get together with a person because you desire to parent an emotionally suffering child, but once you are in a relationship with the parent you have to work very hard to get acceptance and a relationship with the child. I don't even know if there's much in the way of support out there for struggling step parents, but mumsnet clearly isn't it.

I can't just sit and read people skating you op when clearly the child has issues and people can't just blame you. Your clearly cross and had enough. I'm sure you mean her behaviour is that of a monster not the child is one xx

OP, from this post it comes across that your view of your DPs ex is colouring how you see your step daughter, but you have to remember she is only 8 and it sounds like she is showing behaviours borne of the culture she is surrounded by i.e jealousy/hatred from her mother, children are like sponges and she will pick up on your feelings.

She has clearly not adjusted to the situation - it may have been four years but think about being eight and how she might feel. The way you talk about her you clearly don't like her and children pick up on that. She may be craving attention and love. Find something to bond with her about and make her feel involved.