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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step monsters... I mean children

154 replies

Mellie1025 · 22/01/2018 17:14

I'm at the end of my very long rope and I'm not sure what to do about it.

I have a step child who's life I have been actively involved with for four years now. She was four when her dad and I got into a serious relationship. We've all lived under one roof now for two year. When I say all it's me, my partner, my daughter who's 15 and this child (50 percent of the time). She's an incredible jealous child who comes by it honestly because her mother is raising her to be hateful and rude.

We have been through it all with this kid. From her lying, to stealing and hiding stuff to her mother calling childrens services and having them come into our home and ask questions about our sex life. This past weekend was the last straw from me. She was in the bathroom having a shower and she broke the holder we use for our tooth brushes... Came from the dollar store, it wasn't a big deal... Instead of her just telling her dad it got broken and moving with life, she blamed me... I wasn't even in the same room. Daddy dearest believed her and it caused a HUGE blow out. I know it's not all her fault, and the adults in her life need to start taking control and teaching her right from wrong.

I love my partner dearly and the 50 percent of the time she's not with us we have a wonderful life and get along famously. I'm considering not being there when he has his daughter over just to avoid fighting and arguing.

I need advise badly.

OP posts:
Flowerpot1234 · 22/01/2018 18:06

NewYearNiki

That is what they do.

No. This is what only some children do. This is what a) terrified or b) poorly behaved children do. Since the incident had the father believing the child and having a row over this with his partner, with no threat or anger directed towards the child whatsoever, and it was the OP who was falsely blamed for the damage, it seems very unlikely that it is a). Therefore it seems more likely to me that it is b).

PerfectPenquins · 22/01/2018 18:06

YOu live with this child 50% if the time you can’t put all the blame on Mum!

You sound oh so bitter over her mums financial position.

Your relationship is a mess I seriously hope you’ve stopped trying for a baby in this mess!

NewYearNiki · 22/01/2018 18:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

greendale17 · 22/01/2018 18:07

The fact she is a step child is irrelevant. She is in your house and family and you should treat her as your own x

^Rubbish. She isn’t the OPs own though is she

beverlybothered · 22/01/2018 18:09

@Flowerpot1234

The fact that they ended up in a blowout because the dh though the OP had broke the toothbrush holder shows why the child lied, do you think she would want to be screamed at for breaking the toothbrush holder?
Lets just pretend that she lied because she though it was funny, shes 8! You dont just throw her out as a 'monster' you deal with her behaviour and be an adult.

ButtMuncher · 22/01/2018 18:10

OP won't be back Hmm

Flowerpot1234 · 22/01/2018 18:13

beverlybothered No. Have you not read the OP's post? This incident was the last in a long list. The child is not being described as a monster because of a damn toothbrush holder. The lying is persistent, the stealing, and whatever really extreme stuff happened that meant children's services came round. This is totally dysfunctional.

There was no threat of her being screamed at, why are you making this up? The blowup was because she LIED, not because of the damage.

Idontdowindows · 22/01/2018 18:13

She's 8.

She's blooming 8.

She's 8 and you're painting her as a demon.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 22/01/2018 18:14

No the blow up was because the adults can’t control their own emotions and deal appropriately with bad behaviours.

Caprinihahahaha · 22/01/2018 18:14

She’s 8

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 22/01/2018 18:15

The poor girl. OP read back what you've written. Then read it again. Then ask yourself how anyone on here would think YANBU.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/01/2018 18:16

Focus on the problem of your DP not parenting his child.

You’re either a team or you’re not. You’re not.

I parent my DSC which includes having a word if they break things or hurt each other. I also invest time in them, love them and look after them. DH supports me, I support him and the DC respect both of us and we all get on pretty well.

Their mum plays no part in our life here. She parents when they’re with her. We parent when they’re with us. It’s up to the parent you live with to draw clear boundaries. If he’s not willing to do that things will continue to get worse and you need to break up for all your sakes.

I imagine this latest incident is illustrative of a lot that goes on in your home and it sounds very stressful. It’s not healthy for any of you.

Pickleypickles · 22/01/2018 18:18

OP didnt cheat though. It clearly says that in her toher thread.
I understand googling names to try and work out if its a troll but to post a link on another thread? Thats low i think.
This is meant to be a site of advice and help not a place for people to put others down so they can feel better.

Heartoffire · 22/01/2018 18:18

All the adults her sound nasty

Heartoffire · 22/01/2018 18:19

Here

Snowysky20009 · 22/01/2018 18:19

I haven't read the full thread. But lying, stealing, blaming others all points at a child who is confused and is trying to get attention. Any attention even negative is attention to a child. She can sense your dislike of her and that is going to increase her behaviour. After all, do you want to sleep somewhere where someone does not like you?

Walkingdead11 · 22/01/2018 18:21

Find out the American version of Jeremy Kyle.........and go on that. She's 8, get a grip!

beverlybothered · 22/01/2018 18:22

@Flowerpot1234

Shes 8, if she has a history of lying, stealing etc that meant child services got involved before the age of 8 then thats the parents fault, I'm going to guess largely the step parents fault.
A child 4-8 who is that badly behaved is either being abused or has severe SN, shes not just a 'monster', she needs proper parenting.
My 6 year old spilt paint on the carpet earlier and said that father christmas must of done it when he brought him the paint for christmas, their was no blowout, hes not a monster.

beverlybothered · 22/01/2018 18:23

@Pickleypickles

Noone feels better about themselves after reading about a child being treated so badly.

Heartoffire · 22/01/2018 18:27

pickly

I don’t think posters commenting on the ops previous posts is the low point of these posts do you really?

NewYearNiki · 22/01/2018 18:29

This is meant to be a site of advice and help not a place for people to put others down so they can feel better.

I hope you Are not accusing me of that.

The op has started this thread to slag off an 8yo and her mother to make herself feel better and get validation.

Lizzie48 · 22/01/2018 18:29

I'm shocked to see an 8 year old called a 'monster'. She's too young to be demonised, and I'm speaking as someone whose 8 year old lashes out at me during violent meltdowns because of her Attachment Disorder.

There's been so much change in this little girl's life, and her parents have abdicated their responsibility to parent her. Kids need proper boundaries to give them security. That should mean sanctioning her behaviour, yes the incident with the toothbrush holder was badly mishandled.

But how awful for her to have to spend half her time in the home of someone who dislikes her so much.

Pickleypickles · 22/01/2018 18:30

beverly thats not what i said but people are jusmping to some pretty big conclusions.
Such as im going to guess largely the step parents fault Where did you get that from? How do you know the little girls mum and dad arent raging crack heads? Im not saying they are but OP hasnt said they are not. It just seems like another beat up the step mum thread
I agree no child is a monster and at 8 there is probably other emotional things causing the bad behaviour however all 99% og people have done is berate the OP instead of giving her the advice she asked for.

Pickleypickles · 22/01/2018 18:32

nikki that isnt the impression i got, the impression i got was OP used a bad choice of words to say she at the end of 4 year tether and needed some advice og other people in similar situations.

beverlybothered · 22/01/2018 18:35

@Pickleypickles

I took a guess it was largely the step mothers fault from the attitude she showed towards her step daughter. No 8 year old who has spent the last 4 years being spoken about and thought of like that can be expected to well behaved.

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