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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Step monsters... I mean children

154 replies

Mellie1025 · 22/01/2018 17:14

I'm at the end of my very long rope and I'm not sure what to do about it.

I have a step child who's life I have been actively involved with for four years now. She was four when her dad and I got into a serious relationship. We've all lived under one roof now for two year. When I say all it's me, my partner, my daughter who's 15 and this child (50 percent of the time). She's an incredible jealous child who comes by it honestly because her mother is raising her to be hateful and rude.

We have been through it all with this kid. From her lying, to stealing and hiding stuff to her mother calling childrens services and having them come into our home and ask questions about our sex life. This past weekend was the last straw from me. She was in the bathroom having a shower and she broke the holder we use for our tooth brushes... Came from the dollar store, it wasn't a big deal... Instead of her just telling her dad it got broken and moving with life, she blamed me... I wasn't even in the same room. Daddy dearest believed her and it caused a HUGE blow out. I know it's not all her fault, and the adults in her life need to start taking control and teaching her right from wrong.

I love my partner dearly and the 50 percent of the time she's not with us we have a wonderful life and get along famously. I'm considering not being there when he has his daughter over just to avoid fighting and arguing.

I need advise badly.

OP posts:

Cabininthewoods69 · 22/01/2018 18:37

I totally understand how op is feeling. Kids these days get away with so much. If my 9 year old treated her step mum like this I would not be impressed at all. I like her step mum but hate my ex as he's abusive. I wouldn't put up with a partner blowing there top over a child's lie, but that's his fault not the child's. I get on with my adult step kids but it's been a rough ride for both sides. Holding tight has made us have a bond and we all respect each other now. My dh also after a while realised his youngest 17 at the time was lying about me but I didn't tell him I felt he needed to find out for himself and she got a mouthful from him and even to this day she doesn't know why she did it

Pickleypickles · 22/01/2018 18:39

beverly

But that is another assumption about the OP and neither helpful to her or a fact.

newyearfabulousness · 22/01/2018 18:39

Well i got the same imprssion that nikki describes.

Heartoffire · 22/01/2018 18:40

My impression is the step mother resents and dislikes the step child. She has a bad relationship with an equally volatile partner and she recently thought about shagging an old flame.

So forgive me if I don’t see either her or daddy as parents of the year and my sympathy if entirely with the poor little girl.

Biglettuce · 22/01/2018 18:40

I’m a step mum and I do think OP you are in for a very bumpy ride. I’ve also been in a situation where jealousy, resentment and lying were flying around. My step daughter resented me and my child with a passion and DH could only see how great she was and constantly got angry with me on her behalf.

My step daughter was an older teenager, yours is 8, so some gentleness is required by you as she’s still young. Gentle but firm.

I would not clear out as there is no way back from that, you need to muddle this one out or leave. You need to build a healthy happy home.

Honestly? If I were you I’d give it my best shot for one year. If it doesn’t improve - move out. The atmosphere will be toxic by then. In that year I would:

much as you may be right, lay off the mum, it doesn’t help.
focus on your house.
lay down simple rules - not too many - get DP on side - insist on these - about not lying, being kind, nice.
minimise time with DSD, but encourage your DP to go out with her more.
have some really nice treats. Treat her! Treat your own kid. A lot. Cinema. Good favourite meals. Little inexpensive presents.
consider counselling with your DP and go with a list of what could work - and what a happy house including DSD would look like.

WombOfOnesOwn · 22/01/2018 18:41

Can you detail some of what gets said during these "blowouts," OP?

beverlybothered · 22/01/2018 18:42

@Pickleypickles

Theres no assumption, is clear from the OP that her attitude towards her step daughter is apauling. My advice to the OP would be start treating your step daughter with respect and maybe she will learn to treat you with respect in return.

TooGood2BeFalse · 22/01/2018 18:46

'This kid' 'this child'

She does not act like part of the family because she is clearly not welcomed.

Poor, poor little girl.

QueenOfIce · 22/01/2018 19:01

Oh lord...I hope you have a very hard hat op, mn do not take kindly to anyone who doesn't like a child, you're angry it's understandable you probably feel resentful unsupported and pushed out. It's hard to see her as a child when she's acting out, pushing all of your buttons and at times doing it in a manipulative way however she is very young and change doesn't sit well with a lot of kids.

Don't be hard on yourself for feeling the way you do, they are valid feelings. Unfortunately you cannot change her but you can change how you respond when she kicks off. I'm also a sp have been for many years and it's tough especially when you're feeling vilified.

What does your dp say?

throwcushions · 22/01/2018 19:08

OP, try to remember this child is very young. Her parents are divorced and it sounds acrimonious. Her stepmother potentially makes her feel unwanted in her own home. Her parents probably criticise each other all the time. This is all very sad and difficult to deal with. She's not a monster and any behavioural issues she has are probably being caused by the adults in her life. She needs you to be compassionate and understanding. You sound as though you resent your partner putting her needs first in your previous thread; but that is what he should be doing. If she is jealous maybe it's because you're making her feel like you are, and her dad's affection is something you are both competing for. I really feel sad for this girl.

paxillin · 22/01/2018 20:20

Have you namechanged mid-thread OP?

April229 · 22/01/2018 20:26

I think she sounds very difficult. What does your partner say about it?

Original poster

Mellie1025 · 22/01/2018 20:27

Pickleypickles : thank you. This child never gets in trouble for anything. Never yelled at, never disciplined for anything and I know my partner was wrong for telling me off but his hands are tied because the child tells all sorts of stories to her mother because thats the house where the poor child is yelled at. She like most children are a product of their environment.

OP posts:

Cabininthewoods69 · 22/01/2018 20:30

Mn is very narrow minded about step kids and to be honest I ignore a lot of what is said as it is clear some of these people have never been in the situation or live a very different life. How on this earth is it ok for a child to lie or to allow them to get away with it? It's damaging to the child as they grow up thinking it's ok yo do this. Snow flake generation again. Kids these days don't know how to put up and get on with it right down to not liking a song on the radio. Glad my girl isn't like that and respects adults and adult relationships

Original poster

Mellie1025 · 22/01/2018 20:31

QueenOfIce - by blowup i mean he yelled because the toothbush holder was too close to the edge of the sink. Said I should have known better and moved it closer to the wall. I said it was where it has always been and changed the subject.

OP posts:

Heartoffire · 22/01/2018 20:34

So wow you have changed op’ now you are a concerned mum?

In your opening post your step dd was a liar hateful jealous rude and a thief

She’s fitted s lot into her 8 years hasn’t she

Jog on

Original poster

Mellie1025 · 22/01/2018 20:37

I guess all of you are perfect people and hence make perfect parents

OP posts:

stitchglitched · 22/01/2018 20:38

You don't have to be perfect to recognise that having a vendetta against an 8 year old because your relationship is a joke isn't very nice.

Cracker09jacker · 22/01/2018 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Heartoffire · 22/01/2018 20:45

No not at all perfect who is?

But I do know it’s never an 8 year olds fault. And your description of her wasn’t nice

QueenOfIce · 22/01/2018 20:45

I often feel that as soon as the word step is put before the word child people have already formed an opinion and made a lot of assumptions. Some kids who's parents aren't separated are rude, lie, steal cheat and manipulate but because they are a step child it gives them a free pass to behave badly. An 8 year old knows the difference between right and wrong assuming her parents have taught her.

Disney dads are a bloody nightmare to deal with never seeing what's really going on just head in the sand because if their child isn't nice it must mean they have failed in some way and they can't deal with the guilt.

Op I feel for you, I hope you can find a middle ground and things improve for you. There's support of the step parent board here.

paxillin · 22/01/2018 20:47

I guess all of you are perfect people and hence make perfect parents

Not at all. But many of us manage to be parents and stepparents. You can't even hear how far out of tune you sound.

Unlike you, I can't imagine your stepdaughter will come and live with you in this suffocating environment where she is clearly seen as the outsider and a monster (and she does know this without a doubt). You say children are the product of their environment. She is. You are part of that environment. She is at your house 50%.

Eliza9917 · 22/01/2018 20:47

JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

Original poster

Mellie1025 · 22/01/2018 20:48

i guess it's hard when you don't know the whole story.

You can only bit your tongue for so long.

OP posts:

paxillin · 22/01/2018 20:51

OP, can you confirm you haven't name-changed halfway through the thread?

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