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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step monsters... I mean children

154 replies

Mellie1025 · 22/01/2018 17:14

I'm at the end of my very long rope and I'm not sure what to do about it.

I have a step child who's life I have been actively involved with for four years now. She was four when her dad and I got into a serious relationship. We've all lived under one roof now for two year. When I say all it's me, my partner, my daughter who's 15 and this child (50 percent of the time). She's an incredible jealous child who comes by it honestly because her mother is raising her to be hateful and rude.

We have been through it all with this kid. From her lying, to stealing and hiding stuff to her mother calling childrens services and having them come into our home and ask questions about our sex life. This past weekend was the last straw from me. She was in the bathroom having a shower and she broke the holder we use for our tooth brushes... Came from the dollar store, it wasn't a big deal... Instead of her just telling her dad it got broken and moving with life, she blamed me... I wasn't even in the same room. Daddy dearest believed her and it caused a HUGE blow out. I know it's not all her fault, and the adults in her life need to start taking control and teaching her right from wrong.

I love my partner dearly and the 50 percent of the time she's not with us we have a wonderful life and get along famously. I'm considering not being there when he has his daughter over just to avoid fighting and arguing.

I need advise badly.

OP posts:
Momo18 · 22/01/2018 20:53

It sounds like you have a husband problem here, not an ex wife or step daughter one.

Original poster
Mellie1025 · 22/01/2018 20:54

paxillin - what?

OP posts:
HandMsMonkey · 22/01/2018 21:04

If you hate the child -enough to call her a monster! Leave the relationship. Give the poor girl a chance to have a loving step parent. You can't be with someone and dislike their child, that's ridiculous. No matter how justified you think your feelingsare.

newyearfabulousness · 22/01/2018 21:06

We've all lived under one roof now for two year. When I say all it's me, my partner, my daughter who's 15 and this child (50 percent of the time)
She like most children are a product of their environment

well, yes.

ghostyslovesheets · 22/01/2018 21:19

poor kid

beverlybothered · 22/01/2018 21:24

@Mellie1025

Even giving you the benefit of the doubt OP that your not some evil jelous step mum and that really you love and treat your SD equally with you. If her 'monsterous' behaviour is all down to her horrible abusive mother, why are you sending he off to her every other week? Why are you allowing a child to be abused? Get social services involved and get full custody of the child. If what your now saying is true it is 100% the mothers fault and not the childs.
Allowing a child to be abused and then blaming the child for her behaviour that occurs as a result of this abuse is pretty awful OP and you need to sort it out now.

Lethaldrizzle · 22/01/2018 21:25

Why is your dh yelling about a broken tooth brush holder?! Poor child

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 22/01/2018 21:30

As a step child you lost me at step monster

On behalf of most stepchildren and most step mothers who are decent caring loving bonus adults

ODFOD and I haven't read the thread but I'm not sure why I should.

Momo18 · 22/01/2018 21:40

Op no offense but after seeing others say about your previous posts I had a look. It's definitely you, and possibly him. Not the child.

You got jealous because he bought his child a console after yours got one, stating this child has lots of money in bank etc. It's not normal

ChickenPaws · 22/01/2018 21:43

Aw, you need a 76 year old millionaire hunny. You won’t have to tolerate infant monsters then Smile

Saysomethingnice · 22/01/2018 21:45

The thing that stands out here is an almighty blow out Hmm over a fucking tooth brush holder Shock.

I your partner is prone to loose it and have almighty blow outs over such trivial crap.. Perhaps this is why the small girl has issues and lied about the cup.

Poor girl you all sound very immature and dreadful.

BigBaboonBum · 22/01/2018 21:48

She got pregnant for somebodies money? How do you know? Are you sure you aren’t the jealous one?

CheshireChat · 22/01/2018 21:55

If nothing else, there's nothing stopping you from leaving your DP and starting a new relationship.

As a child, she can't just magic up a dad for herself so you're the one that needs to remove herself.

Also, children need boundaries and having them makes them feel safe, your DP needs to actually start parenting especially if his ex can't be bothered.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/01/2018 22:04

It’s called Jeremy Kyle USA I think Walkingdead11, Jezza crosser the pond!

FurCoatFurKnickers · 22/01/2018 22:13

Nothing helpful to add but OP's nn reminds me of Viz - Roger Mellie the man on the telly.

"Hello, good evening and bollocks"

Step monsters... I mean children
beverlybothered · 22/01/2018 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

beverlybothered · 22/01/2018 22:50

Sorry ^^ completely wrong thread

FurCoatFurKnickers · 22/01/2018 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Jafinar · 22/01/2018 23:12

Can you give us a fuller story OP? All we have so far is a snippet where you are unpleasant about an 8yo.

FGS try not to attribute adult emotions and motivations to a child. Either move out and give up on this unhappy scenario or put some real effort in to giving the girl enough security and stability in her life that she is able to flourish.

Her spending the next 10 years with you in the knowledge that you hate her is horrendously unfair on her!

Shen0102 · 22/01/2018 23:31

The problem is with the birth parents. After the dad figured the child was lying he should have been firm in telling her lying is bad and warn her of any consequences if she does it again . Once the child learns what they can get away with, their behaviour will only worsen.

I have experience with step parenting and disciplining a child that is not your own whilst trying to maintain a healthy friendly parental relationship is harder especially when they're young kids. Adult children might be mature enough to understand the situation. but younger kids quickly turn into brats if you don't get the balance on the get go.

movpov · 22/01/2018 23:43

She senses how much you dislike and resent her. This kind of behaviour is indeed a product of her environment - which you and her father are at least 50% responsible for. You sound quite nasty in the way you talk about her - if you can't make more of an effort with her then get out of the relationship - i don't think she'll miss you

WombOfOnesOwn · 22/01/2018 23:49

Yeah, this is a child who hid under a covered slide for 20 minutes, probably because she wasn't used to that kind of activity if OP is being honest about the mother not taking her, and her reaction is that the 8 year old child should have been "grounded" for hiding and giving everyone a fright.

It seems like in OP's eyes, children are responsible for handling the emotions of adults on a fairly consistent basis. That is not a child's responsibility. The level of frantic you are doesn't correlate with how much your child should be punished after they're found safe, what counts is the intent behind their action and whether they were doing it deliberately to scare or they just had their head in the clouds and didn't realize.

Similarly, the level of dispute a broken piece of ceramic causes in your house isn't what matters to deciding how much to punish someone for its accidental destruction, or even lying about who destroyed it.

It seems like an 8 year old child is being expected to manage the emotional response of every adult in the vicinity. It's no wonder she lies and hides. It's avoidance behavior. I'd probably have done the same.

hmmwhatatodo · 22/01/2018 23:59

Is the Ricky lake show still on? Or maybe Dr. Phil could help?

JustHereForThePooStories · 23/01/2018 00:11

Please, please, please don’t bring a baby into this chaos.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 23/01/2018 01:29

OP, you said we don’t know the whole story so let’s try figure it out...

The 8 year old girl was living with her mum and dad 4 years ago. Her dad is having some sort of weird relationship outside the marriage with a woman 20 years his senior. This upsets her mum and they fight. The mum then has an affair and gets pregnant to a very old man.

So then her dad leaves her mum and there’s (presumably) a new half-sibling in the house, fathered by a new and very old man. How disconcerting and creepy.

Her parents fight all the time and fight over her in court. Her dad meets a new woman and the girl obtains another half sibling who’s too old to relate to very well.

Child is shuffled back and forth between two houses. First has screaming baby replacing her abd creepyman and second has a world of issues. Her step-mother feels the girl is “cockblocking” her and tries to come between her and her dad in this strange new house where she already feels uncomfortable. The step mother feels she should come first even though she just turned up a few years ago. Step mother desperately wants to bring another baby into the house. On top of that the step mother is having fights with her dad about the same older woman who caused problems in the last relationship and accusing her dad of affairs. Step mother is also very good friends with a married man and considering an affair of her own. Step mother also refers to her as a monster and it’s clear she isn’t welcome.

What a sad, lonely little girl. I can’t imagine an adult would to too well in those circumstances, let alone a child. She’s 8 now, but she was only 3 or 4 when this mess started.