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AIBU?

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Original poster

Step monsters... I mean children

154 replies

Mellie1025 · 22/01/2018 17:14

I'm at the end of my very long rope and I'm not sure what to do about it.

I have a step child who's life I have been actively involved with for four years now. She was four when her dad and I got into a serious relationship. We've all lived under one roof now for two year. When I say all it's me, my partner, my daughter who's 15 and this child (50 percent of the time). She's an incredible jealous child who comes by it honestly because her mother is raising her to be hateful and rude.

We have been through it all with this kid. From her lying, to stealing and hiding stuff to her mother calling childrens services and having them come into our home and ask questions about our sex life. This past weekend was the last straw from me. She was in the bathroom having a shower and she broke the holder we use for our tooth brushes... Came from the dollar store, it wasn't a big deal... Instead of her just telling her dad it got broken and moving with life, she blamed me... I wasn't even in the same room. Daddy dearest believed her and it caused a HUGE blow out. I know it's not all her fault, and the adults in her life need to start taking control and teaching her right from wrong.

I love my partner dearly and the 50 percent of the time she's not with us we have a wonderful life and get along famously. I'm considering not being there when he has his daughter over just to avoid fighting and arguing.

I need advise badly.

OP posts:
thethoughtfox · 22/01/2018 17:43

Her mother doesn't get to dictate how she is parented in her father's home. She doesn't get to refuse to allow you to discipline her child - unless you are abusive.

5plusMeAndHim · 22/01/2018 17:43

It sounds a scary place for a little girl.I mean who has a blowout over a bit of broken tat

Heartoffire · 22/01/2018 17:44

This reply has been deleted

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debbs77 · 22/01/2018 17:45

I'd walk away.

You're honest and that's fine !!

thethoughtfox · 22/01/2018 17:46

It comes across as though you don't have, or want to build, a loving relationship with child. If this is true, consider living apart from your partner.

crunchymint · 22/01/2018 17:47

Agree that your DP sounds scary to have a blow out over a one dollar toothbrush holder being broken.
Kids lie when they are scared of the consequences of telling the truth. From your DPs reaction it sounds like she has very good reasons to lie.

Kids this age often steal because they do not feel securely loved. And of course she is jealous that she only gets to see her dad part time and your DD gets to see him full time.
It really sounds like the problem is NOT this little girl, but the adults in her life.

lookingforthecorkscrew · 22/01/2018 17:47

There’s definitely a monster in your household, it’s not who you think it is though...

Sarahh2014 · 22/01/2018 17:47

This should be interesting...🍿

MiddleClassProblem · 22/01/2018 17:47

I think the language you use for this child is so telling.

I feel that if a blended is to work there must be some form of relationship between a step parent and a child. It’s different if they’re grown up and have their own lives.

But to hear you speak with such venom on a here is really hard. It sounds like you hate her, not just that you’re mad at her right now.

sirlee66 · 22/01/2018 17:51

I'm ignoring PPs it's not relevent to what the OP is asking here.

It seems to me that your issue is more with your partner than his DD. The fact he didn't believe you about the toothbrush holder. The adults should have united front, especially infront of children.

She's 8. Of course she will lie so that she didn't get in trouble. It's just something children do. And yes she blamed you because in that house, are her least favourite. You get to spend all the time with her daddy but she doesn't. It's not fair to her.

I think you need to have a set of rules that you and DP follow. Most importantly that you are a team and you both are in charge. Even if he has doubts, show a united front and then discuss in private any doubts.

As the adult. Try to see it from her point of view. Daddy is this fun, loving man who used to be all hers. Now she has to share him with you. It's not fair to her. The best way to get round this is to keep that united front with DP and so she knows where she stands. good luck

londonista · 22/01/2018 17:52

Just reading this and your other thread OP (which admittedly is 6 months old), you don't sound like you're in a super good place relationship-wise. Most people would deal with this situation by encouraging the child's father to respond to the behaviour, if he's genuinely committed to co-parenting. Doesn't sound like he is.

beverlybothered · 22/01/2018 17:53

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stitchglitched · 22/01/2018 17:55

Going by your other threads it sounds like your relationship is a bit shit and you've turned an 8 year old child into the scapegoat for that.

abilockhart · 22/01/2018 17:56

But surely deep down you must know by now that the problem here is your DP.

How convenient for you to blame his ex and her influence on his DD. You don't seem to want to face the reality of the situation.

newyearfabulousness · 22/01/2018 17:56

I think the previous post has some relevance due to the mention of a huge row and frequent disagreements about his child because he "puts her first"
Horrible environemnt for a child casued by OP amd her partner.

Caprinihahahaha · 22/01/2018 17:58

It’s amazing that after previously marrying a scheming, selfish, manipulative, unpleasant cow, he was attracted to you.
Do you think he has a type?

wellhonestly · 22/01/2018 17:58

See, I have a theory that when people lie, it's essentially because they lack power.

Certainly my kids told lies when they were younger, especially about damaging things - they were just trying to get out of trouble and they didn't have the maturity to look beyond the lie itself. Or my eldest would blatantly blame his younger brother.

Part of bringing up children is teaching them not to lie. Blowouts don't help. I appreciate it's harder for you because you have the extra "step" dynamic.

But your partner needs to be 100% onside and you both need to be calm when dealing with this kind of incident. As a pp has said, you can re-state the truth: "nope, I didn't see it break - clearly it's been broken by accident. Oh dear, these things happen." [obviously you can be more distressed about something more valuable - "oh dear, that's going to cost a lot to replace/ fix".] I just think blowing up at a child is counter-productive.

Good luck OP.

NewYearNiki · 22/01/2018 17:58

You find lying, deceitful children acceptable? You're ok with children who damage things pretending that other people have damaged them instead?

This poster sounds as if they have never met a child.

That is what they do.

It is not evidence of a troubled lying deceitful monster of a child, it is just what they do. They are scared of consequences.

applesandpears33 · 22/01/2018 17:59

I agree with Sirlee, sit your DP down and have a good chat with him. One of our DCs has gone through a phase of being economical with the truth and blaming me for things he had (or hadn't) done. We decided to make it clear that a punishment would always be imposed if he had lied, but we'd usually just let other stuff go if he apologised. At the moment, it seems to be working. We also try to always show a united front.

category12 · 22/01/2018 17:59

Is 'daddy dearest' an angry man? I'm wondering why this little girl would blame you and I'm wondering why you apparently breaking a cheapo toothbrush holder would cause a blow-up?

crunchymint · 22/01/2018 18:01

Seeing an 8 year old lying about breaking a dollar toothbrush holder as a lying deceitful child - yes I can see exactly why she does lie.

londonista · 22/01/2018 18:01

StitchGlitch ... yep!

crackerjacket · 22/01/2018 18:03

Poor 'monster' having a step mum like you

newyearfabulousness · 22/01/2018 18:03

I dont think any normally advised behaviour management strategy will be useful becasue the OP despised this 8 year old monster and sees her as a cuckoo in her nest.
It's a common issue and damaging for the children involved.

newyearfabulousness · 22/01/2018 18:04

And yy stitchglitch