DM wont accept my step kids

[beverlybothered]

I am a father to 5 children, 2 biological and 3 step. My family had a lot of trouble when me and my DP got together over me taking on someone else’s children, we thought they had accepted it.
After picking my dm this morning up on a few things such as not bothering about my step children’s birthdays/achievements etc, not referring to them as her grandchildren and just generally treating them so much different than my biological children, she admitted she will never love them or see them as her grandchildren and that she will never be happy that I am ‘pretending’ they are my kids when their not.

I’ve always had a turbulent relationship with my mother and there was a period when we were NC for 15 years.
AIBU to cut her off from all of her GC if she doesn’t make an effort with all of them? I know who I care about most and it’s not my DM

@strangershoesagain

Cast off? Cast off?

He is my lovely, mature, hard working, beautifully natured, kind step son.

You could learn a lot from him.

I think not giving a shiny shit about some kids' feelings is pretty vile. OP's DM is an adult who is choosing to behave this way. The kids are just kids who can't help what their parents do.

My DP's parents are biological grandparents to all 5 children and they are absolutely amazing, they happen to have step GC also from my DP's B and they treat all grandchildren with equal love and respect.

@rocketgirl22 How is it cruel?!? What about the 'cruelty' towards OP's kids whenever the step kids go to see their bio-Dad?!?

OP, I think you said it best yourself: "I know who I care about most". You're putting the kids first, and if some hard-of-feeling people on the internet think that's wrong, then I wouldn't want to be right.

@MotherofaSurvivor

As i have already said, the step kids dont go and see their bio-dad. Last year they saw him 3 times, each time my biological kids were there also and it wasnt for longer than 1hr.

@forbiddenfruit If they see their F a few times a year but don't see him as their father, how do they see him? That's meeting every few months.

My DB raised his DSS and they call him Dad still. They're in their 40s. And my DB and his exdp broke up. Children make a choice. I remember where they were all in the same room bio dad visiting and one of my DSN called 'dad' and his bio dad answered and my DSN had to explain that he wasn't talking to him. Awkward, but he never saw his bio dad as anything but a sperm donor cause he wasn't there.

@strangerhoesagain

I wouldn’t get with a partner with children, not least because I married but because I have no desire to raise someone else’s cast offs.

What a vile, despicable, hurtful comment.

I can only assume you are the OP's mother.

My 2 daughters have boyfriends (one has been with hers 3 years, and one four years,) and I absolutely ADORE these 2 young men as if they were my own blood. I also care very much for their parents and they are nice people too. I think of these 2 young men as my own family (which they are, even though they are not getting married for several years.)

I also adore the children of my 2 BFF's as if they were my own (they have 3 each,) and I am like a auntie to them.

The OP's mother is very cold hearted, and unpleasant, and I can only assume that she has some unresolved issues from childhood, to have such a repugnant attitude.

I pity her, and I also pity the poster strangerhoes if she is being serious. It cannot be easy, being so full of so much hatred and rage. Ditto the poster @patronsaintoftruth who said about the OP 'just coz you're playing daddy, that doesn't make them yours.' Nasty.

@beverlybothered, I echo what the posters say about going NC with your mother for a while. Her behaviour is horrible, and she needs to learn she cannot behave this way and get away with it.

mother

how do you know they see their 'bio' Dad as you so sweetly put it?

That may or may not be an advantage if they do still see him depending what he is like. It could be a double negative for all you know.

However what is certain that all the children will definitely suffer if gm deliberately isolates some of the children and not others. It undermines their security, trust and family dynamic. Hurting all of them.

The children deserve respect and love from all family members regardless.

You can't make her love someone whom she is not related to and doesn't have a biological connection with. However, you can insist that she is fair to all children. And fair doesn't necessarily mean equal

Hopefully you can see the real posts from the trolls op.

It seems to me you are the only meaningful father they have. They are lucky to have such a kind and caring father in you. Don't allow these awful awful comments upset you. They do not have you or your children's interests at heart, and are just trolls.

Tell your dm it is not acceptable to treat them differently or she is not welcome if you want to, but please don't allow her to hurt them anymore.

@rocketgirl22 Erm......OP has said so!!!!! Please read his posts!

@MotherofaSurvivor

No I havnt, I am the only meaningful father they have. Last year they spent 4 hours with their dad in the company of over 20 people each time, they saw the man we bought our dogs from more than double of that.

I hope the " sperm donor" description isn't said in front of your girlfriend's children.
No matter how absent he is that is a very hurtful thing for his children to hear.

Op is the only real father in their lives.

He cares for them, protects and loves them. He is the one that is with them when they are ill, happy, sad and all the other life moments that happen on a daily basis. He is there for them.

That is why he wishes to protect the dc from his own dm, whom given the chance will just be another source of pain. Good on him.

Im surprised at the vitriol on here. It comes down to the son treating his new wife's children as his own which is a wonderful thing quite frankly.

You could adopt them, but from what Ive seen in life being a biological parent tends to mean shit and its the actions you take that makes you a proper parent.

If your M doesn't want to get involved with your SC that is her business but I would call her out on it. She doesn't have to be lovely dovey, but as someone else said on here - don't treat them as second class citizens. Does she want a relationship with you or your children?

@FilledSoda

Thats what the eldest chooses to use, she will say her 'real dads' just a sperm donor and that im her dad. Its not hurtful to any of them. Actually their 'dad' has even referred to himself as a sperm donor, thats what he his.

Given that the stepkids were known to the gran first shes hardly having to suddenly adjust to three more kids, they were there first! Five years ago!

Op it sounds like this is also about your wife if your mum doesnt want you to marry her and adopt the kids. Theres a reason you were nc so long. Has that changed or just turned into something else?

That sounds pretty harsh. What's the source of her aggro, does she think your wife isn't good enough for you in the sense that she wanted you to wind up with someone who didn't have children?

I'd be a bit disappointed if either of my sons married women who had children from a previous relationship, but she's unwise to be so transparent.

I'm a 'cast off' from a 'sperm donor'. It says far more my biological father than it does about me just because we share some DNA does not mean we are related in any sense. Family means more than blood and I pity anyone who can't see that.

I don't think you'd be unreasonable at all.

There's a huge difference between stepchildren who are older and still have a relationship with and live with part time with both their biological parents and stepchildren who you get when young, live with full time and take a full role in parenting. In the former you can understand other family members having a slight distance from them, in the latter it is rather cruel.

My mother died when I was a baby, and my stepmother married my father when I was 4. It's only in instances like this that I ever refer to here as stepmother. She wasn't always a briliant parent, but she was no worse to me than to my two siblings that she later gave birth to. And we are all fully aware that I was her mother's favourite grandchild. I will be forever grateful for the way that her extended family treated me from day 1 as if I was part of their family and never made me feel in anyway not one of the gang of cousins.

How old were the dc when you got together op?

It's not unreasonable to cut off your mother for refusing to recognise your family.

museum

Op's mother hasn't even been in his life for 15 years. You would think she would make the most of being invited back into the family and not be so judgemental.

I would not be disappointed if my dc were to marry someone with children, I would just want for them to be happy. The rest is irrelevant.