Is DH deliberately leaving DD at Nursery? and why?

[ThreeDaysAWeek]

First post, but long time lurker.

DD (whose 2) goes to Nursery 3 days a week. I drop her off at 7.30am, and get to work for 8amish, then work 8.15am – 4.45pm apart from Friday when I finish at 3.45pm. Nursery closes at 5.30pm so there’s no way on a Tuesday and Wednesday I can get to pick her up in time.

DH works full time but does 7am-2pm, and works a short walk from our home, so is home by 2.15pm every day. On a Tuesday and Wednesday we agreed he’d walk the mile to the Nursery and pick DD up, we pay for her to be in until 5.30pm so I’ve said to DH that as long as he gets her by then he can game/chill out at home for those 2 and half hours he’s got spare. Literally all he needs to do is take care of DD for that walk as I’m usually only a few minutes at most behind him getting through the door usually I get in just before they do.

Last week I had to attend a Staff Meeting after work on Tuesday and there was an accident on the motorway on Wednesday so I got stuck in traffic so was home late both days. I’ve just received an invoice from the Nursery –I deal with all paperwork regarding the Nursery etc so it comes to my email-- asking the payment for “unarranged late pickup” for two days last week; Tuesday and Wednesday (it’s not unusual to receive these things in the middle of the night as the finance manager is also a member of normal nursery staff so works with the children in the day!). According to the invoice on Tuesday she was picked up at 5.45pm, and on Wednesday at 6pm. This is the 3rd time in as many months I’ve received an invoice.

DH won’t tell me what he’s doing to make him late to pick DD up from Nursery and claims the Nursery are being overly fussy about “5 minutes or so”. I know they won’t be as it states in the contract with them they only charge from 15 minutes or more lateness so I know he must be being late to pick her up by that much. So my only conclusion is it must be deliberate.

It’s not a huge amount of money (£5 for every 15 minutes your late so £15 for the entire invoice) and we can afford it but it doesn’t seem fair to be delayed deliberately when DH has the time to pick her up.
DH is definitely not cheating/having an affair, firstly he works in a mostly male environment where the gossip is rife and no-one can even go the toilet without someone knowing and secondly my brother works with him (DH recommended DBro for the job) so my brother would be aware and would most definitely tell me if DH was getting some somewhere else –we’re twins and have always been close, we literally predict when we’re going to text/phone each other, even my mum finds it weird!--. He doesn’t go anywhere and has no hobbies apart from “gaming” (don’t get me started) so there’s definitely no OW.

So AIBU to think DH is deliberately leaving DD in Nursery? And if so what’s he doing?

PlayStation or mountain biking: that detail doesn't matter except to a persons health and wellbeing. The inability to be punctual at nursery and the seeming avoidance of paying attention to a small child is not good. It's pathetic parenting to be frank.

I’d go mad about the late fees, I’d tell him if it happens again then he can pack his bags! Not acceptable at all.

However, wtf at all these comments saying he should be picking her up early? I send my kids to their childcare if I’m at work or not. To either get stuff done or have a well deserved break which I’ve paid for. No different to getting a babysitter on a weekend for a night out which most mumsnet deem ‘acceptable’. If a Mum posts anything about being stressed or needing a break, the first thing suggested is a nursery place! And plenty of mums have their kids in free funding who don’t even work! It’s complete parent shaming. OP, you pay for that place so bloody well use it. Also, my childminder hates me picking up early as it disrupts her day and I’m pretty sure nursery’s are the same as it disrupts the other kids.

"All other judgement in their family life is pointless".

So 7am-2pm is a long, "full time" day for the DH. He deserves his downtime after all that . But 8am-5.30pm for a little 2 year old is apparently nothing.

What if the child is tired by 2pm and just fancies some time at home? Does she have any choice? No.

You’re getting a really hard time here, OP.
If your setup works for all of you that’s fine. Your dh being late isn’t, as it is really unfair on nursery staff.
Your dh needs to set an alarm and be on time. That’s it, no drama.

My OH always underestimates how long he needs to leave. Before our child started Nursery we argued as I said he would be better walking rather than driving as that would be consistent time wise as parking / traffic is a pain. He was late twice by driving for pick up instead of walking and from then on always walked jogging if need be!
To be honest I would give him the invoices and tell him to be more mindful of time! And maybe get him to set an alarm (I live my life by alarms to remind me to leave work etc for pick up!)

Oh my god, I never realised having a penis means I need more ‘me time’, where can I get me one of those then?

Seriously OP, he is NOT a great dad (even if he does mop the kitchen floor ‘for you’).A great Dad would be picking her up on time. I can’t imagine my dh thinking, hmmm I can either have two hours playing on the PlayStation or an extra two hours with dd....ooh tough choice

Time to wake up and stand up for yourself and your dd.

I think some are missing the point.

More than acceptable to want to have a couple of hours on your own. Not okay to be late to pick your DC up after the nursery has officially closed, which is what the late fees are for.

I once got a bollocking for being ten minutes late to school to pick DCs up. I'd spent all day at my DMs ITU bedside and the bus I went for (which would have got me there on time) got caught up in an accident. No amount of explaining prevented me from a bollocking so I can see how nurseries get pissy when theres no real reason your DH can give for being late. Which I presume is why they're sending you the invoices, to let you know he's taking liberties a bit.

i used to work in a nursery and i would always think badly of the parents who dropped them off first and left them in all day even if they didn’t need to. it’s sad for the child.

I can't speak for everyone's kid, but mine has a much better time the 3 days he's in nursery than the ones he is at home with me. We live in a tiny gardenless 2 bed flat and I can't drive. When it's pissing it down our options for fun things to do are very limited.

I think everyone on this thread agrees that his lateness is unacceptable. But there are clearly very different ideas about whether or not it is acceptable for parents to have time to themselves. I have GOT to have some. It makes a huge difference to my mental health and massively improves the quality of the time DS and I spend together.

Yup. He shouldnt be late. And I would be chewing him out about that. Not cause I'm his mother - but because from one parent to another it's not cool. Disrespectful of staff and risking her place.

On all other points I think there is a huge amount of knicker twisting going on.

Absolutely pathetic

And I agree. I love time to myself and will take as much as I can get. My children are very happy and we have wonderful, beautiful relationships. The time I spend with them I cherish. But the time I spend on my own I cherish too.

Having read half the thread -

Your dh is a lazy shit
He is not a good dad
He a gamer who doesn’t see his dd as his primary responsibility
You enable his behaviour
I doubt it will get better

And I speak from experience
I would really take a long hard look at this,
Ffs - he has 3 hours to pick up his daughter and is still late, he is a SHIT DAD

I'd you've shared finances then the late fee comes out of his "fun" money. Easy. What's not fair is that the late fee comes from family finances meaning everybody suffers.

If the op doesn't take issue with how much free time he has then it's not our place to comment.

I don't think there his a huge point of making such a big deal out of £15. But I don't like being unreliable and late. Not everybody wants to come home to a lively toddler after they've been working all day if they can leave them in nursery for a bit longer. Not everyone thinks the same way as the Mummy martyrs. There is life outside children.

This thread is making me feel guilty.

Firstly, I work 3 days, so DS has been in nursery (initially childminder) for 10 hour days since he turned one. If 10 hour days are so unacceptable for a "poor little 2 year old", presumably that applies equally to all of us who work?

Also, after 2 long years of paying £700 a month, DS has just got his 30 hours. Hurrah! I have been planning to celebrate this by adding a half day (pay for morning session) purely so I can have some time to myself. I won't be gaming but I definitely plan on relaxing, reading, and eating crumpets rather than spending one-on-one quality time with DS. It's a bit disconcerting that people are so shocked that concept.

OP your husband is just being useless with the late pick-ups, and he needs to stop that obviously.

When she starts school he will have to be there at 3pm so he needs to get his act together wrt time keeping now.
I agree with others who have said how disrespectful he is being to the nursery staff.

Pecan - You do make a valid point, but unless you are at work, your child does not need to be in childcare for a 10 hour day, so you can get a break! This is a long and tiring day for an adult, let alone a 2 year old. If you're not working, you could just use a nursery for mornings or afternoons.

This man has every afternoon off anyway. He only works a 35 hour week fgs. The little girl is in nursery for 30 hours! The least he could do is give her his time two afternoons a week.

I'm going to get shouted at for this, but your dd is in nursery 10 hours per day. She has the opportunity it's to cut this by 3 hours per day a few times a week and have real 'daddy time'. But your dh prefers his PlayStation?

I would have smashed the thing up by now! Can a father be any more selfish? What a complete prick. The money you have paid is irrelevant.

When she's older 'how long was I in nursery each day? '7:30-5:30', 'wow, what time did you finish work dad?', '2:30 love', 'so why did you leave me there?', 'because my imaginary world was more important than you'.......

He's onto a cushy number with you! Complete with a lie-in because, diddums, he needs one after toiling away all week. Your daughter could lose her place at the nursery because your manchild was arsing about.

She has the opportunity it's to cut this by 3 hours per day a few times a week and have real 'daddy time'. But your dh prefers his PlayStation? I would have smashed the thing up by now! Can a father be any more selfish? What a complete prick.

I completely agree.

It does sound a bit like your DH hasn't yet faced up to the fact he is a parent. To be frequently late for pickup is irresponsible and immature.
What made me think, was when OP said that her DH had 'helped her choose the nursery'. This makes me wonder whether DH thinks that's all he's supposed to do - you are the one responsible for DD and he just has to "help".
Then OP is considering telling him to pick up DS early. It's like he is another child that you have to tell what to do....No! He is a parent. DD is his child. He needs to take responsibility and engage with the fact he is a parent, not a free agent with hours to game every day.
Compromise? He collects her early 2/3 days a week, has time to himself other days?

Husky Did i say op had to set the alarm? No. i think her oh is quite capable of doing it himself on his own phone.

Agree with others that he should pick her up when he's finished work. That's a really long day for a 2 yr old. If it can't be helped it can't be helped, but if there's no need I don't know how he justifies it to himself tbh. Time with your kids is so precious as a working parent, noodling it away on the PlayStation while she is cared for by non-family is a bit imo. But then I'm about to have to send my PFB to nursery 4 days a week, and have left her for the first time today for a KIT day and am gutted about it, so I may be coming at this very biased.

I agree with others it's not a "waste" of money - you've lost that money whatever you do, so why wouldn't he prefer to spend that time with his daughter if he's able to?

All this talk of how he uses his free time aside, do you think he just has poor time management skills and got distracted and didn't leave on time and underestimated how quickly he could actually walk? When my dd was in nursery, it was less than a mile up the road. I didn't walk usually. I drove most days. But there were definitely times I was late. Maybe not 15 minutes, but 5-10 minutes, yes. It was just a matter of getting distracted doing things around the house (worked from home many days plus I would do things like put the washing on, do the food shopping, etc. in that time). I'm generally an organised, responsible person, but it does happen.

To all of those posters who are saying that they'd smash his console up, would you really?