Is DH deliberately leaving DD at Nursery? and why?

[ThreeDaysAWeek]

First post, but long time lurker.

DD (whose 2) goes to Nursery 3 days a week. I drop her off at 7.30am, and get to work for 8amish, then work 8.15am – 4.45pm apart from Friday when I finish at 3.45pm. Nursery closes at 5.30pm so there’s no way on a Tuesday and Wednesday I can get to pick her up in time.

DH works full time but does 7am-2pm, and works a short walk from our home, so is home by 2.15pm every day. On a Tuesday and Wednesday we agreed he’d walk the mile to the Nursery and pick DD up, we pay for her to be in until 5.30pm so I’ve said to DH that as long as he gets her by then he can game/chill out at home for those 2 and half hours he’s got spare. Literally all he needs to do is take care of DD for that walk as I’m usually only a few minutes at most behind him getting through the door usually I get in just before they do.

Last week I had to attend a Staff Meeting after work on Tuesday and there was an accident on the motorway on Wednesday so I got stuck in traffic so was home late both days. I’ve just received an invoice from the Nursery –I deal with all paperwork regarding the Nursery etc so it comes to my email-- asking the payment for “unarranged late pickup” for two days last week; Tuesday and Wednesday (it’s not unusual to receive these things in the middle of the night as the finance manager is also a member of normal nursery staff so works with the children in the day!). According to the invoice on Tuesday she was picked up at 5.45pm, and on Wednesday at 6pm. This is the 3rd time in as many months I’ve received an invoice.

DH won’t tell me what he’s doing to make him late to pick DD up from Nursery and claims the Nursery are being overly fussy about “5 minutes or so”. I know they won’t be as it states in the contract with them they only charge from 15 minutes or more lateness so I know he must be being late to pick her up by that much. So my only conclusion is it must be deliberate.

It’s not a huge amount of money (£5 for every 15 minutes your late so £15 for the entire invoice) and we can afford it but it doesn’t seem fair to be delayed deliberately when DH has the time to pick her up.
DH is definitely not cheating/having an affair, firstly he works in a mostly male environment where the gossip is rife and no-one can even go the toilet without someone knowing and secondly my brother works with him (DH recommended DBro for the job) so my brother would be aware and would most definitely tell me if DH was getting some somewhere else –we’re twins and have always been close, we literally predict when we’re going to text/phone each other, even my mum finds it weird!--. He doesn’t go anywhere and has no hobbies apart from “gaming” (don’t get me started) so there’s definitely no OW.

So AIBU to think DH is deliberately leaving DD in Nursery? And if so what’s he doing?

I don’t think a 10 hour day in a quality nursery is particularly tiring if they’re happy. A good nursery will have well structured rest time. My almost 3 year old is rarely worn out when I pick him up at 5ish - if they’ve let him sleep he keeps on going until 9pm.

Full time? Lucky him, he’s got himself the perfect life. Go to work 6 hours a day, tinker for a few hours, lie in every Saturday and a day planned out on Sunday.
Are you quite controlling op?

To all of those posters who are saying that they'd smash his console up, would you really?

I might chuck it in a wheelie bin, yeah. But i would never marry a gaming-obsessed man-child in the first place so it doesn’t really matter.

He is a lazy, selfish shit. He gets loads of time to himself. I don't think there is anything wrong with him not picking up until closing, particularly she enjoys it (I know loads of SAHMs who send their 3 year olds for the free 15 hours just to enjoy some "me time" and no one seems to criticise them for it!). But being late is unacceptable - he has no good reason for this and he knows it, hence his refusal to discuss it with you.

As PPs have said, if this behaviour persists, there is a very real risk of being asked to withdraw your child from nursery. I have seen it happen.

Sorry if someone has already made the point but I am confused about timings. You say there is no way you can get there in time for pick up on Tuesday and Wednesday because you usually finish at 4.45pm and nursery closes at 5.30pm (45 minutes later). But you also say you do the nursery drop off at 7.30am and get to work by 8am (30 minutes commute). I am certainly not saying you ought to pick up and let man-child off the hook while he is idling at home, but maybe this would be a workable option if you dump his sorry arse and become a single parent...

@mindutopia - I can honestly say that in 11 years of having children in childcare/school, I have only been late because I've been stuck in traffic (twice). Not because I 'got distracted' :hmm:

I actually don't think 10 hours in nursery is an issue - she'll get fed, have naps, get to play with her friends and have experiences that she wouldn't be able to have at home.

The issue is that OP's husband can't be arsed to make sure he turns his PlayStation off on time to make sure he collects his daughter when he's supposed to!

All parents need downtime and that's fine, but when you're a parent you can't just do whatever you want without thought for your partner and children.

I'm sure most people would love several hours to themselves everyday to indulge in their hobbies but the time for that is before children, or when they're older and independent, not when you have a young family to provide for.

More than acceptable to want to have a couple of hours on your own

Acceptable to want it, yes, but not always acceptable to take it, imo. I don't know anyone who would put their DC in nursery (or leave them there for 10 hours) so they could play a game or read a book. That's what you do in the evening when they've gone to bed isn't it?

Stopped reading at , I think men do need more time than women in general.

WTAF is going on in your house OP?!

The hours you ay at nursery that Dad could have her are only a waste if you place no value on her spending time with her Dad.
Even if he picked her up at 3.30-4 his two days then had Friday to himself.

Saturdays 8'm sure she loves but i'd get him to do pick up. If she's with Nan 2 hours by the time you've dropped her and left to fetch her you must get an hour?? Tell him pick up is 11.30 and you'll be back for 2 and she needs feeding

I've only dipped in and out of the thread, but a practical suggestion perhaps: What time does nursery have their afternoon meal? When my youngest was at nursery, I got in the habit of collecting his older sister from school, going home and giving her a snack, and only later collecting him from nursery (just up the road and we passed it on the way home from school). The main reason for developing that pattern was that if we went straight from school we got there in the middle of them eating tea, which was somewhat pointless!

If your daughter's nursery has a similar pattern, why don't you discuss with your husband timing things to collect your daughter just after a meal - an earlier goal time may help without having to remove his downtime completely. Alternatively it may help him realise he can't function adequately if he does have the "free" afternoon.

Do you know in all of this we are still talking about two year old that is repeatedly being left behind. It is truly an awful feeling waiting for your parents to collect when al the other children have gone and the nursery staff are cross and want to go (quite rightly)

Even at this age, particularly at this age it will feel like abandonment. Even 15 minutes can feel like an eternity at this age.

At least once a week he should be collecting her early, taking her to the park and making her feel loved and treasured. Imagine what it will come to mean to her.

I feel sad for your dd so low down on the pecking order of life that she comes AFTER gaming or whatever else he is doing.

It is so selfish

Grow a pair op and talk to him. Me time is not more important than your dd.

I'd make him pay for the late pickups and warn him that the nursery may stop taking her at and he'd then have to sacrifice his afternoons off.

You do make a valid point, but unless you are at work, your child does not need to be in childcare for a 10 hour day, so you can get a break! This is a long and tiring day for an adult, let alone a 2 year old. If you're not working, you could just use a nursery for mornings or afternoons.

I am working. I work 3 days a week but I work from home so I could pick DS up earlier than I do. I don't because I find an extra hour of time to myself does wonders for my mental health.

So shoot me!

Everything about this thread makes it sound like you DH is another child in the house

If it were me I would simply talk to him - point out it's a waste of money, inconsiderate to the nursery staff and she may get kicked out if it continues. Late pick ups are not a facility to be used at will but a disincentive to do something the nursery don't like. If he is a good dad presumably he will want to put her needs first.

I find it surprising you suggest he would 'deliberately' leave his daughter late at nursery (rather than, say, that he is just being disorganised). Makes me wonder if there is something going on that doesn't come out of the post.

Wow. Why would he not want to pick her up as soon as he could? I find that really sad that she is stuck in childcare unnecessarily just to get value for money. And she goes to your mums every single Saturday too? Free/child free time seems more valuable than family time in your household.

Sounds like his timing has gone to pot because he is being a bit lazy and prefers to play his game until the last minute. I'd suggest he needs to pick her up at 5, then he has some leeway, rather than aiming for the very last minute. (Pictures kids whining "just one more level" - not attractive in a husband I don't think).

She will lose her place, because his lateness will throw out the staff rota. Some staff will be supposed to leave at a certain time, but be unable to because the ratios are wrong, because he hasn't shown up. So don't assume "it's just one more level fifteen minutes" and it's okay if you pay. It's not.

I'm firmly against the husband picking up his daughter late which in turn makes the staff members late home but is it that difficult to comprehend people wanting time away from their children?

To all of those posters who are saying that they'd smash his console up, would you really

100% I would! It would be dropped from the bedroom window (assuming the bedroom was first floor or above). Thankfully I have a dp and exdp who neither were into gaming past the age of 18. But we have friends who are, and the resentment it causes is another thread.

But OP says her mum has her dd for half of Saturday, she takes her out in the other days, so where is the time apart from a Sunday that dad spends properly with dd?

My ds was in nursery 7:30-6:00, but normal hours were 8:15-8:30-2:30-4:30. When I split was exdp (ds was one), and I met dp, dp would finish work between 1:30-2:30, and he would pick up ds. Then as me and exdp have 50/50, either he would stay with us for the night or exdp would pick him up from ours about 5:30. Dp said he couldn't imagine leaving ds in nursery knowing that he was home and could be doing stuff with him, and that wasn't even his son. But they have such an amazing relationship now. He's never tried to be a step dad because in his words, he already has a dad, he doesn't need another.

But they would go for walks, out on the trike/bike, paint, play duplo, then he'd make him tea before me or his dad got home.

But seriously OP your dh is missing out on such an opportunity that many dads would give their right arms for! Your dd may be happy at nursery etc, because she doesn't know any different.

Yes we all like a little downtime, time to get things done etc. But to use that time on something constructive is one thing, but for something that's not real?.....

You lot would hate me and my partner then. Neither of us work as we are our yonger child’s carers. We pay £50 a week for two five hour slots at a daycare for out child. We come home and either sleep, have something to eat or, shock, my partner plays on his console whilst I Netflix. Sometimes we clean but more often than not we just relax. If we were working and one of us had a few hours before pick up, I wouldn’t mind it being used for chill out purposes. Nothing pathetic about gaming. It’s a good stress relief for some.

"To all those posters saying they would smash his console up, would you really?"

Do you even need to ask that?!!!

He could still have some time to himself and collect her at 4.30 as a pp said. I do think he's generally getting a fairly easy ride of it.

he always has needed more free time than me, I'm fine with that, I think men do need more time than women in general

That'll be because of his GREAT BIG BRAIN, I guess...

Can’t believe some of you nasty twats would damage someone else’s property... craziness.

Do you even need to ask that?!!!

Well yes because it is abuse.

I'm firmly against the husband picking up his daughter late which in turn makes the staff members late home but is it that difficult to comprehend people wanting time away from their children?

Exactly that.

The lateness is completely unacceptable and pathetic.

Wanting time away from your children is not.

But to use that time on something constructive is one thing, but for something that's not real?.....

In my downtime I like to read books, is that also unacceptable?