Is DH deliberately leaving DD at Nursery? and why?

[ThreeDaysAWeek]

First post, but long time lurker.

DD (whose 2) goes to Nursery 3 days a week. I drop her off at 7.30am, and get to work for 8amish, then work 8.15am – 4.45pm apart from Friday when I finish at 3.45pm. Nursery closes at 5.30pm so there’s no way on a Tuesday and Wednesday I can get to pick her up in time.

DH works full time but does 7am-2pm, and works a short walk from our home, so is home by 2.15pm every day. On a Tuesday and Wednesday we agreed he’d walk the mile to the Nursery and pick DD up, we pay for her to be in until 5.30pm so I’ve said to DH that as long as he gets her by then he can game/chill out at home for those 2 and half hours he’s got spare. Literally all he needs to do is take care of DD for that walk as I’m usually only a few minutes at most behind him getting through the door usually I get in just before they do.

Last week I had to attend a Staff Meeting after work on Tuesday and there was an accident on the motorway on Wednesday so I got stuck in traffic so was home late both days. I’ve just received an invoice from the Nursery –I deal with all paperwork regarding the Nursery etc so it comes to my email-- asking the payment for “unarranged late pickup” for two days last week; Tuesday and Wednesday (it’s not unusual to receive these things in the middle of the night as the finance manager is also a member of normal nursery staff so works with the children in the day!). According to the invoice on Tuesday she was picked up at 5.45pm, and on Wednesday at 6pm. This is the 3rd time in as many months I’ve received an invoice.

DH won’t tell me what he’s doing to make him late to pick DD up from Nursery and claims the Nursery are being overly fussy about “5 minutes or so”. I know they won’t be as it states in the contract with them they only charge from 15 minutes or more lateness so I know he must be being late to pick her up by that much. So my only conclusion is it must be deliberate.

It’s not a huge amount of money (£5 for every 15 minutes your late so £15 for the entire invoice) and we can afford it but it doesn’t seem fair to be delayed deliberately when DH has the time to pick her up.
DH is definitely not cheating/having an affair, firstly he works in a mostly male environment where the gossip is rife and no-one can even go the toilet without someone knowing and secondly my brother works with him (DH recommended DBro for the job) so my brother would be aware and would most definitely tell me if DH was getting some somewhere else –we’re twins and have always been close, we literally predict when we’re going to text/phone each other, even my mum finds it weird!--. He doesn’t go anywhere and has no hobbies apart from “gaming” (don’t get me started) so there’s definitely no OW.

So AIBU to think DH is deliberately leaving DD in Nursery? And if so what’s he doing?

I had one son at nursery on a day I DIDNT EVEN WORK. I know! I find endless toddlers pretty mind numbing.

They loved nursery

Why on earth does he need 2-3 hours downtime a day, plus a lie-in on Saturday mornings? He only works 7 hours a day and is home by 2pm!

He's really got you right where he wants you - convinced that he needs a half day lie-in once a week, that he does the housework "for you" and he's even persuaded you that he needs 2-3 hours of gaming time every day as well.

I would bet nursery are massively fucked off with him and if he continues she will probably lose her place there. Tell him to grow the fuck up, be a parent and collect his child on time!

I'm sorry ..but I can't get past your little one is in nursery ,and dads at home???? On a game? Are you both teenagers op? ...I cannot belive he would chose to game over doing something nice with his daughter..that's half a day to do dad and daughter stuff,picnics,swimming,painting,craft,walk in the park...fuck the money...that's not what it's about..wow just wow..why is he not picking her up on the way home from work and planning nice things to do together?????!!!

Cod are you me?

Come on everyone, the DH is being an arse for being late. That’s it - everything else is speculation and spite towards a perfectly valid hobby. I bet if the OP had inserted some worthy hobby like gardening or reading this level of judgement wouldn’t have been provoked!

Can you clarify when the housework is done and what's the split? Is all his time alone at home spent gaming or does he do his portion of housework then? I think that until you get a clear answer about what he does in that time, it's very difficult to judge. In any case, he's been disrespectful to the nursery employees

And I have no issue with children in nursery so that parents can have down time - I think all parents need time to themselves, but then you bloody well make sure you get to said nursery in time so that the staff can get home to their children, families and downtime.

Most nurseries will charge if you're even one minute late to pick-up and will tell you to find alternative childcare if it happens too often - be careful OP.

Agree. The issue is should he be late. The answer is no. The rest is just lifestyle choices

Cod are you me?

Come on everyone, the DH is being an arse for being late. That’s it - everything else is speculation and spite towards a perfectly valid hobby. I bet if the OP had inserted some worthy hobby like gardening or reading this level of judgement wouldn’t have been provoked!

"The rest is just lifestyle choices".

Yes the choice to be pathetic.

I can't understand why someone would leave their child in nursery as late as that when they could have them home, playing, chilling etc.
Fair enough have an hour or so to do a few jobs at home but who actually has the luxury of 3hrs to doss about gaming? Why doesn't he want to be with his daughter?

Mrscog I think the attitudes of both parents are pretty shit - he wants to leave DD in nursery after she's already been there for an entire day so that he can do what he wants. That's pretty selfish and I'd say that if it was gaming or anything. Meanwhile OP would rather DD stay in nursery for the full time they've paid for just so that she can get her money's worth.

I just hope that you dont have to send DD to GPs house on a Saturday, so you can catch up with the housework.

So your DH only has to care for his DD on a walk home from nursery. What because as soon as you walk through the door you take over the childcare because he needs more free time?!

I agree with most pps. The bottom line is that he has been hugely late several times and you will be given notice at nursery soon. It is so disrespectful to staff, let alone to your DD who could be home, rested and fed for your return and benefit from the most nurturing thing in the world, time in her family home where she is the centre of the universe.

Have you even asked him why? What does he say, and if you haven't, why not? Are you walking on eggshells around him?

I cant get past the fact we are actually talking about an adult man

The playstation worked disappear end of problem

Oh and at that age kids are looking for their parents once pick-ups start. There's lots of 'it'll be your mum/dad soon'. Why make your child be last to be collected if you have the choice not to? Fair enough if a parent can't help it because of work, but because they're playing a game??

Are you embarrassed that your daughter has been picked up late?
If it happens at my dd's nursery three times in 2 weeks, you get a written warning and then again you would lose your place. After 30 minutes, social services are called.
I would be mortified. Your husband owes you an explanation, no excuses.

OP. You appear to have very low expectations of your DH, and have been suckered by this belief he needs enormous amounts of free time. I pity you.

The appropriate, adult, response to being callled our for being late is to apologise, explain what happened, and make sure the cause of the lateness is dealt with and doesn’t recur. His response is what I’d expect from a 14 year old.... pathetic. Please don’t have more kids with him until he grows up.

chugalug ..’ cannot belive he would chose to game over doing something nice with his daughter..that's half a day to do dad and daughterstuff,picnics,swimming,painting,craft,walk in the park’

You do realise that with some 2 year olds that list of stuff is miserable and tedious? I have 2dc. With one of them at 2 I would have enjoyed doing some of those things. With the other one not so much - he didn’t like doing anything except playing tractors. Leaving the house/getting dressed was a no no for him. Car too wobbly - tantrum. 30 mins to get in a car seat every. Single. Time. If I could have dropped him off at a boarding nursery I would have done - 2 was a miserable time. I’m pleased you enjoyed those things with your 2 year old but not all 2 year olds are fun/engaging.

He’s nearly 6 now and a delight so the 6-12 months or so where I minimised that ‘quality’ time seem to have made no difference.

It's not about gaming. Or nursery or anything else. It's about Adulting. You're an adult. You turn up on time to pick your kid up. You don't assume the staff are just happy to stay indefinitely.

If he tries that when she goes to school the teachers will give him short shrift.

I think it’s very sad how much you go on about it being ‘a waste of money’ if you pick her up any earlier. it’s time with your child! i used to work in a nursery and i would always think badly of the parents who dropped them off first and left them in all day even if they didn’t need to. it’s sad for the child.

No hobby is valid if someone can't unglue their arse from a chair and go to collect their child on time. Who cares what it is?

I'm wondering all that time he gets to himself to indulge his hobby + a lie down on Saturday mornings when she's at her grandma's - when DOES he spend 1-1 time with his daughter?

This man is detached from his DD and some are making it all about "don't sneer at his gaming". You wouldn't think it was 2018.

I agree that the debate about when to pick the child up is irrelevant. I have plenty of parents who use up the time they pay for even if they've finished work - and why not?! They're carving out a bit of time for themselves where they can.

For me though, this is like when you see somebody being really rude to a waitress in a cafe. You can't help but assume they are an arsehole in other ways too. For this bloke to have a thought process that involves not giving a shit about the caregivers to his child and claiming they are being 'overly fussy' invoicing for his lateness of half an hour suggests he's a disrespectful arsehole in other ways. What kind of person assumes they have the right to force someone into working 30 minutes of unscheduled and unpaid overtime because their free time is more precious?

Mistressdeecee - some people were talking about men in underpants in a darkened room playing games. They were the ones who made it about gaming.

Like I’ve said being late is not right and he needs to sort that out. All other judgment on their family life is pointless.

I don't think there's anything wrong with having some downtime when daycare is already paid for, for either parent. The husband is lucky he can do that and it would probably make lots of people's lives nicer if they had some time not either at work or looking after children. Sounds great!
But... gaming and then being late for pick up. Awful! He sounds like a big teenager.
It would be much better if he got home, had a little break then collected her at 4.30/5pm.