Is DH deliberately leaving DD at Nursery? and why?

[ThreeDaysAWeek]

First post, but long time lurker.

DD (whose 2) goes to Nursery 3 days a week. I drop her off at 7.30am, and get to work for 8amish, then work 8.15am – 4.45pm apart from Friday when I finish at 3.45pm. Nursery closes at 5.30pm so there’s no way on a Tuesday and Wednesday I can get to pick her up in time.

DH works full time but does 7am-2pm, and works a short walk from our home, so is home by 2.15pm every day. On a Tuesday and Wednesday we agreed he’d walk the mile to the Nursery and pick DD up, we pay for her to be in until 5.30pm so I’ve said to DH that as long as he gets her by then he can game/chill out at home for those 2 and half hours he’s got spare. Literally all he needs to do is take care of DD for that walk as I’m usually only a few minutes at most behind him getting through the door usually I get in just before they do.

Last week I had to attend a Staff Meeting after work on Tuesday and there was an accident on the motorway on Wednesday so I got stuck in traffic so was home late both days. I’ve just received an invoice from the Nursery –I deal with all paperwork regarding the Nursery etc so it comes to my email-- asking the payment for “unarranged late pickup” for two days last week; Tuesday and Wednesday (it’s not unusual to receive these things in the middle of the night as the finance manager is also a member of normal nursery staff so works with the children in the day!). According to the invoice on Tuesday she was picked up at 5.45pm, and on Wednesday at 6pm. This is the 3rd time in as many months I’ve received an invoice.

DH won’t tell me what he’s doing to make him late to pick DD up from Nursery and claims the Nursery are being overly fussy about “5 minutes or so”. I know they won’t be as it states in the contract with them they only charge from 15 minutes or more lateness so I know he must be being late to pick her up by that much. So my only conclusion is it must be deliberate.

It’s not a huge amount of money (£5 for every 15 minutes your late so £15 for the entire invoice) and we can afford it but it doesn’t seem fair to be delayed deliberately when DH has the time to pick her up.
DH is definitely not cheating/having an affair, firstly he works in a mostly male environment where the gossip is rife and no-one can even go the toilet without someone knowing and secondly my brother works with him (DH recommended DBro for the job) so my brother would be aware and would most definitely tell me if DH was getting some somewhere else –we’re twins and have always been close, we literally predict when we’re going to text/phone each other, even my mum finds it weird!--. He doesn’t go anywhere and has no hobbies apart from “gaming” (don’t get me started) so there’s definitely no OW.

So AIBU to think DH is deliberately leaving DD in Nursery? And if so what’s he doing?

God I’m on team dad. I used to tit about on mumsnet while my son was at nursery all the time! Kids can be quite dull.
All my sons are Ok and survived this major trauma

He actually mops the floor for you?

That's some catch you've got there OP.

I think that is unacceptable and he needs to pull his finger out. The nursery closes at 5.30 FFS! Those nursery staff will be wanting to get home to their kids potentially, to pick them up, or maybe they have appointments or maybe they just want to go home after a long day looking after other peoples children. Selfish.

Why would a man need more free time than a woman ? Not how it works in this house. When my eldest was in nursery me and DH used to take it in turns picking her up and he used to stress as much as me about picking her up on time if the traffic had been bad.

He only has to puck her up twice a week but he cant be bothered to do that!

The nursery are well within thier rights to give you a warning about this. Its not fair on staff to be kept waiting for your dp to saunter along half an hour late. Does he think they have nothing better to do than wait for him? Why is his 'free time' more important than them getting finished on time?

Doesnt matter what he does at home to co parent/share housework he is screwing this bit up.

Yes your child may love nursery but that doesnt mean she should 'love' being left there when every other parent can be bothered to pick up thier kids on time. Its not fair on her at all. Your dp is basically saying his gaming is more important than she is.

I have no prob with gaming but it is addictive and your dp needs to set an alarm well before the time he needs to leave so he knows to get finished and not start something which will make him lose track of time. Its quite simple.

I think everyone’s made the floor mopping comment now.

I bet the staff are getting really pissed off, and you will be'that family'. Where I work there is an after school club. Once the kids are collected, the staff can leave. There is one dad, who turns up maybe 45 minutes before closing. Then sits outside on his mobile phone until closing every single time. So the staff are sitting in a room with his ds, tidying up, putting up the chairs etc. Kids are tired, staff just want to get home. But he makes sure he gets his last penny worth. Usually he walks in at closing time, on the for, and by the time he's finished getting his ds, it's actually 10 more minutes. He is not thought of that week, because everyone resents this behaviour. It really seems unkind and inconsiderate to the staff. If DD must staff there, I think 5 would be a good compromise

I'd set an alarm in the house, and chase him with have you left calls if practical.

Oh my god.

This is the OP’s husband, not her teenage son getting up for his early MacDonalds shift. You think she should interrupt her work day to remind him to get off the PlayStation and pick up his daughter?

Fuck. That.

And I'll add hopefully he will start to be more self aware and responsible with a bit of nudging. Different people need different levels of headspace, it's not a line that can be drawn along gender, but he's escaping reality to the point where it's causing problems one way or another, and you might need to cast a critical eye over the root causes for this. Signs of depression spring to mind but you are better placed to evaluate than a bunch of internetters.

I would always get a 2 year old earlier. It's not a waste of money. It's the same money, but more quality time with your daughter! She has lots of time at nursery anyway, and will get more out of being at home with her family for those hours.
Unless he's doing something worthwhile with the time. Not gaming!

Tell him if he’s going to act like a14 year old prioritising playing on s computer rather than say doing household chores etc (presumably you don’t get to sit there and chill when you’re getting Dc ready for nursery you’re going to confiscate his computer

Yeah if he's not prepared to do it himself, there's a child in a nursery waiting to be picked up. Remember that.

Signs of depression spring to mind

Signs of laziness also spring to mind. Occam’s Razor and all that.

Ernest I can't believe that. Some people bloody hell. I used to always pick up my dc early, I couldn't wait to see them.

I think it’s really sad that he always leaves it to the last minute. That’s such a long day at nursery for her if it’s unease Sarah.
Mine are in 7:45 till 5:15 three days a week and I feel so guilty for it. It’s late for them getting their dinner. If Dh is working from home he will often go and pick them up early, it’s easy enough to carry on with his work when they get and it makes them so happy, and he will often play with them and make up the hours later in the evening when they are in bed.
If I finish early I pick them up early.
I would never dream of being late for nursery. They” odd occasion where traffic has made me think I will be late, I have frantically rung round grandparents and friends to see if they can be picked up. It’s so unfair on the staff to be late.

Wow I’m with the Dad here.

If I finished early I wouldn’t pick my two year old up early. No way! I’d rush around doing some household tasks and then go to the gym. My 2yo loves nursery, we’ve paid for him to be there, I think some me time as a parent is pretty valuable.

I wouldn’t be late though!

Of course it’s all hypothetical for me as he is at nursery when I’m at work and I don’t get to ever finish early. I just think some of the comments are seriously over the top. I don’t get gaming myself and my DH isn’t one either but it seems to be a perfectly acceptable hobby for adults.

• Unease’s sarah!!! I mean at to say especially if it’s unessesary.

I would have a long hard chat about why he doesn’t want to spend time with his daughter.

"Signs of depression spring to mind".

Really? A kick up the arse springs to my mind.

"With abit of nudging"

Hate it when the woman in a relationship is forced into the role of "mum" / grown up to her DH.

I know my libido would vanish if I had to "nudge" dh and be responsible for him meeting basic levels of parenthood. Eww.

Unbelievable. Nothing wrong with having a bit of free time when your child is at nursery for a few hours, but leaving a 2 year-old in nursery for 10 hours totally unnecessarily in order to get extra hours' gaming (or MNing)??!! However much your dd enjoys nursery, do you really not understand that a 2 year-old might benefit from more time with her parent(s) - especially when there is no good reason for her not to?

And as for 'men need more free time than women'... what ridiculous bollocks.

‘He won’t tell you’. I can’t get past the fact that you’re having to ask him why he’s late to pick up his little girl while he seemingly sits on his arse.

an adult sitting in a dark room in his underpants with a can of shandy and a controller, while adults are looking after his daughter

Sorry I missed that part in the OP’s post.

I thought he did some household tasks, played a bit of PlayStation and then picked up his DD 15mins late?

Late is unacceptable I agree but there seems to be a bashing going on because of how he spends free time they’ve agreed he can have. Nobody in my family is a gamer but I don’t get the hate for this hobby.

Agree with penggwyn.
I've either in childcare for years. When parents are late, especially past 6 it's infuriating and unfair. Yep staff have to stay on and they won't be paid usually.

Mum has her Saturday morning only normally 9-11.30ish. Saturday he has his lie-in as he doesn't get one in the week

I can't believe what I'm reading here. I'm a dad and I just cannot fathom your DH's detachment from his responsibilities to his own DD, nor your acceptance of it.

So when she is at school will you put her in an after school club when you are working late so he can continue to get his - more necessary because he is a man - free time?