Is DH deliberately leaving DD at Nursery? and why?

[ThreeDaysAWeek]

First post, but long time lurker.

DD (whose 2) goes to Nursery 3 days a week. I drop her off at 7.30am, and get to work for 8amish, then work 8.15am – 4.45pm apart from Friday when I finish at 3.45pm. Nursery closes at 5.30pm so there’s no way on a Tuesday and Wednesday I can get to pick her up in time.

DH works full time but does 7am-2pm, and works a short walk from our home, so is home by 2.15pm every day. On a Tuesday and Wednesday we agreed he’d walk the mile to the Nursery and pick DD up, we pay for her to be in until 5.30pm so I’ve said to DH that as long as he gets her by then he can game/chill out at home for those 2 and half hours he’s got spare. Literally all he needs to do is take care of DD for that walk as I’m usually only a few minutes at most behind him getting through the door usually I get in just before they do.

Last week I had to attend a Staff Meeting after work on Tuesday and there was an accident on the motorway on Wednesday so I got stuck in traffic so was home late both days. I’ve just received an invoice from the Nursery –I deal with all paperwork regarding the Nursery etc so it comes to my email-- asking the payment for “unarranged late pickup” for two days last week; Tuesday and Wednesday (it’s not unusual to receive these things in the middle of the night as the finance manager is also a member of normal nursery staff so works with the children in the day!). According to the invoice on Tuesday she was picked up at 5.45pm, and on Wednesday at 6pm. This is the 3rd time in as many months I’ve received an invoice.

DH won’t tell me what he’s doing to make him late to pick DD up from Nursery and claims the Nursery are being overly fussy about “5 minutes or so”. I know they won’t be as it states in the contract with them they only charge from 15 minutes or more lateness so I know he must be being late to pick her up by that much. So my only conclusion is it must be deliberate.

It’s not a huge amount of money (£5 for every 15 minutes your late so £15 for the entire invoice) and we can afford it but it doesn’t seem fair to be delayed deliberately when DH has the time to pick her up.
DH is definitely not cheating/having an affair, firstly he works in a mostly male environment where the gossip is rife and no-one can even go the toilet without someone knowing and secondly my brother works with him (DH recommended DBro for the job) so my brother would be aware and would most definitely tell me if DH was getting some somewhere else –we’re twins and have always been close, we literally predict when we’re going to text/phone each other, even my mum finds it weird!--. He doesn’t go anywhere and has no hobbies apart from “gaming” (don’t get me started) so there’s definitely no OW.

So AIBU to think DH is deliberately leaving DD in Nursery? And if so what’s he doing?

I would be tempted to leave DD in later sometimes if I were working. Working isn't a 'break' so if you finish early then why not have one?

I don't need my DD to start nursery at 2 at all, but she'll be going. Is that bad because I should want to spend every chance I get with her?

"Never understood such parenting."

Who's asking you to?

Although she won't be full-time

It’s a discussion forum Pictish so I’m adding my thoughts. No need to be so pedantic.

i do however think men need more free time than women because women are more natural multi taskers, they can juggle watching a toddler and making a phone call/doing housework much more naturally than a man can so I think they find it tiring when they have to do it, so need more time away from the family to relax and recover from that experience.

My gob is smacked. What absolute bollocks!

Ah another op who has caused an issue then mysteriously disappeared.....

Bandwagon init?! Makes them feel superior while they cast judgement on mumsnet while ignoring their own kids.

Fact is if you post on a public forum about leaving your toddler in childcare so you can doss about people are going to comment on it. It's wishful thinking to expect otherwise. "Should I feed my newborn strawberry or raspberry gobstoppers? Hey, I was only asking about the flavour, stop judging me!"

You seriously need to get him sorted OP. As a nursery worker I can tell you how dreadful this is from both perspectives. 1: That is a very long day for a 2 year old. Your husband finishes at 2.00 and still can't pick her up on time. Does he not like his child? It's so upsetting watching children who are late to be collected. You can see them starting to worry, wondering why they're the last child there, panicking about where their mummy or daddy is and why are they not coming! 2: This is so unbelievably selfish towards the staff. Does your husband not think that those nursery workers have their own life? They've looked after your child all day and they are expected to stay 'in their own time' to continue to care for your child because your husband can't be bothered to get off his backside to pick her up on time. It's OK saying 'it's only £5 and we can afford it'...that's not the point. What about those nursery workers who have their own children to pick up? Does it not matter that they may be late for their child and they may be getting charged? Or that they have children waiting at home for them that they want to spend time with? Or they may have appointments to get to? Or that they may just 'have a life' and don't want to have to be continually held up at work because your husband thinks what hes doing is more important than anything else! Those nursery workers won't be getting paid to stay behind...believe me! And 2 members of staff will have to stay for YOUR 1 child, because that's safeguarding. You seriously need to gI've him a shake, this situation is so unfair on your child and on the staff at nursery.

Give over man, people are just nipping in to give a swift kick now for the sake of it.

My Nursery’s late policy is a standard £50.00 basic charge then £10 for every 10 minutes thereafter on top. It's a bloody good deterrent. Is crawl over hot coals to avoid being late!

I'd be careful too OP about how late he is, given that his lateness seems to be getting worse not better. The nursery are well within their rights to call social services after a certain time if no parent appears.

I know my DH can lose track of time when hes gaming...maybe something as simple as that perhaps suggest an alarm to alert him to the time. Thats what my DH does x

To give her a change of scene from being in full-time nursery 5 days a week?
Two days. She is in two days. If you are going to judge, at least get your facts straight.

"Should I feed my newborn strawberry or raspberry gobstoppers? Hey, I was only asking about the flavour, stop judging me!"
So now you are suggesting nursery is inherently dangerous to a child? What a load of bollocks. A 2 year old will come to no harm for two full days in a nursery, no matter what the AP yoghurt knitters try to say.

OP: she'd lose 2.5 hours in Nursery

Donny:Yes but she’d gain 2.5 hours onegrinne daddy time!! You aren’t losing the money. It’s gone whether she is there or not.

This. He really should be collecting her as soon as he finishes work, I can't ever imagine leaving my children at nursery any longer than necessary.

But I must say that peoples disdain for his gaming (in general, not when he should be collecting his daughter) is insane, I don't think anyone's thought it through. Gaming is no different to any other sedate hobby and people are actually passing judgement on what they think people should be doing with their spare time. If the OP had said he was painting or drawing or doing crosswords no-one would have criticised the actual hobby. Calling people 'children' for playing games is extremely judgemental just because you don't like it.

I have friends whose idea of relaxing is watching Strictly Come Dancing and I'd rather gouge out my eyes than watch that, but I don't see them as lesser people because of it. Or golfing - ugh, I absolutely couldn't bear to do that, to me it's a waste of life, but I don't see what I do as more valid.

I think that maybe the poster who said she doesn't know anyone who games could be because people don't like to admit it. I know for a fact that one of the designers of a well known luxury car brand, earning a 6 figure salary is an ardent gamer, but he doesn't publicise it at board meetings. His wife plays too, as much as he does.

Back to the point though, I think the OP's DH should be collecting his child as soon as he can, especially since she spends so long at nursery. His hobby type is irrelevant. I'd hazard a guess that half his time is spent surfing porn anyway.

Jesus, why don’t you just ask him? How do complete strangers know what he’s doing?

Two days. She is in two days. If you are going to judge, at least get your facts straight.

Get your own facts straight before you lecture others. It’s 3 days, as OP put in her original post.

And the poster who said the gobstopper thing was clearly giving an example of a post where people comment on other aspects of a thread, not that they were saying going to nursery is akin to giving sweets to a baby.

Ok 2 days not as bad. But even so why is he not at least picking her up at 4pm latest. One afternoon to himself for a couple hours and the other couple to do house work / cook dinner. No excuse being late. Poor little girl. Also why on earth is he having a lie in till lunch time on Sat he’s a grown man. Surely a lie in till 8 would be enough. You’re being taken for a ride and your daughter should not need to stay in child care that late anyway never mind being past 5.30 making nursery workers who don’t get paid enough anyway late.

So it’s 3 days? That’s far too much time to himself gaming. He should pick his daughter up at 2pm on one of those days and take her to the park / toddler group as I said earlier and just have one of those days to himself and still pick her up at 4pm. What a sad individual he is. He needs to grow up.

What a judgy thread. Picking up late is totally unacceptable and unfair on both nursery staff and child but I can’t believe all these people thinking he should pick up three hours earlier than he needs to! I usually pick up my two year old DD from nursery at about 6 (Nursery open until 6.30pm) and I do this whether I’ve been at work, worked from home or had a day’s leave. If she comes home early she misses out on things like the late afternoon activities, nursery tea - she didn’t want to leave when I collected her today because she’d been having so much fun.

DH gets home from work at 4.30 so he could pick her up earlier but I don’t see why he should - she’d miss out on stuff and he’s been on the go since 5am and needs that chill time.

Last year we even took a week’s holiday and had three days out to ourselves whilst DD was in Nursery, then three family days out with her. It was a brilliant balance and meant we got some much needed rest and relaxation time (no family help around) whilst she had fun at nursery.

That would be my thought. Engrossed and either forgets or wants to finish a section.

Get your own facts straight before you lecture others. It’s 3 days, as OP put in her original post. It’s not 5 days, which was the judgey point being made. 2 or 3 makes no difference.

And the poster who said the gobstopper thing was clearly giving an example of a post where people comment on other aspects of a thread, not that they were saying going to nursery is akin to giving sweets to a baby.
And what the poster said about the go stopper was clearly erroneous. Picking on other aspects might well be relevant in many situations and makes sense when something clearly dangerous is happening. In this situation it is not. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the set up, other than perfect parents wanting to pretend their way is superior. Going off on a tangent purely for the sake of judgement is not ok.

2pm on one of those days and take her to the park / toddler group
So, he should pick her up from a place she is playing with other toddlers, to take her to a place she can play, with other toddlers?

Really?

All very well saying could pick dd up early but if he is "addicted" to his playstation I would be worried that dd was entertaining herself while he was gaming. My oh was found tinkering with his bloody motorbike while ds (3 at the time) was stuck in front the of the TV!!! The bike didn't remain in his possession for much longer after that. We both worked ft but I worked Sat am and that was only time he was responsible for childcare

Its not just the paying - does he not realise how your DD will feel always being one of the last ones to be picke up? She'll be looking forward to him arriving from the time the first parent arrives....

So it’s 3 days? That’s far too much time to himself gaming

Dunno, sounds bloody good to me. Wish I had that much time to sit and chill.

Parks are miserable in winter and toddler groups are shit in general. Too much performance parenting and other people’s kids.