Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH deliberately leaving DD at Nursery? and why?

671 replies

ThreeDaysAWeek · 22/01/2018 02:26

First post, but long time lurker.

DD (whose 2) goes to Nursery 3 days a week. I drop her off at 7.30am, and get to work for 8amish, then work 8.15am – 4.45pm apart from Friday when I finish at 3.45pm. Nursery closes at 5.30pm so there’s no way on a Tuesday and Wednesday I can get to pick her up in time.

DH works full time but does 7am-2pm, and works a short walk from our home, so is home by 2.15pm every day. On a Tuesday and Wednesday we agreed he’d walk the mile to the Nursery and pick DD up, we pay for her to be in until 5.30pm so I’ve said to DH that as long as he gets her by then he can game/chill out at home for those 2 and half hours he’s got spare. Literally all he needs to do is take care of DD for that walk as I’m usually only a few minutes at most behind him getting through the door usually I get in just before they do.

Last week I had to attend a Staff Meeting after work on Tuesday and there was an accident on the motorway on Wednesday so I got stuck in traffic so was home late both days. I’ve just received an invoice from the Nursery –I deal with all paperwork regarding the Nursery etc so it comes to my email-- asking the payment for “unarranged late pickup” for two days last week; Tuesday and Wednesday (it’s not unusual to receive these things in the middle of the night as the finance manager is also a member of normal nursery staff so works with the children in the day!). According to the invoice on Tuesday she was picked up at 5.45pm, and on Wednesday at 6pm. This is the 3rd time in as many months I’ve received an invoice.

DH won’t tell me what he’s doing to make him late to pick DD up from Nursery and claims the Nursery are being overly fussy about “5 minutes or so”. I know they won’t be as it states in the contract with them they only charge from 15 minutes or more lateness so I know he must be being late to pick her up by that much. So my only conclusion is it must be deliberate.

It’s not a huge amount of money (£5 for every 15 minutes your late so £15 for the entire invoice) and we can afford it but it doesn’t seem fair to be delayed deliberately when DH has the time to pick her up.
DH is definitely not cheating/having an affair, firstly he works in a mostly male environment where the gossip is rife and no-one can even go the toilet without someone knowing and secondly my brother works with him (DH recommended DBro for the job) so my brother would be aware and would most definitely tell me if DH was getting some somewhere else –we’re twins and have always been close, we literally predict when we’re going to text/phone each other, even my mum finds it weird!--. He doesn’t go anywhere and has no hobbies apart from “gaming” (don’t get me started) so there’s definitely no OW.

So AIBU to think DH is deliberately leaving DD in Nursery? And if so what’s he doing?

OP posts:
RidingMyBike · 23/01/2018 20:58

And where are all these afternoon toddler groups? They would need to be 3-5ish for this Dad to take his child too and surely no one would go to a toddler group at that time?!

All the ones round here are 9.30-11 or 10-12...

hmmwhatatodo · 23/01/2018 21:05

I liked the gobstopper example. It made me laugh.

happydays00 · 23/01/2018 21:07

originalfoogirl 2pm on one of those days and take her to the park / toddler group
^So, he should pick her up from a place she is playing with other toddlers, to take her to a place she can play, with other toddlers?

Really?^

^^ GrinGrin this. Exactly this.

Mummy2jen · 23/01/2018 21:10

No toddler group needed..a trip to the park or a cafe or just some quality time with books and playing with toys would be good.

Mummy2jen · 23/01/2018 21:11

With dad

bouquetdiva · 23/01/2018 21:16

I don't understand why a father would not want as much quality time with his daughter as possible. These years are precious and whether you have paid for it or not is irrelevant

Grimbles · 23/01/2018 21:16

Maybe they can play a game together Grin

Sammysquiz · 23/01/2018 21:18

So, he should pick her up from a place she is playing with other toddlers, to take her to a place she can play, with other toddlers?

It’s spending time with her Dad that’s important, whether he takes her to a toddler-group or not!

tash7779 · 23/01/2018 21:27

Why can’t he compromise and have one day gaming for an extra two hours and one day collecting his daughter at an earlier time? Think he’s being pretty selfish. We all need ‘me’ time but not every day every week.

ShortandAnnoying · 23/01/2018 21:34

I don't see any harm in him having a couple of hours to himself but it is taking the mick to be late. He needs to set an alarm if he gets caught up in his game and I also think he could do a few household jobs and make sure dinner is ready and so on.

Misswiggy · 23/01/2018 21:42

This will be my ds aged 18 if he ever becomes a dad. It's a real sign of the times that a man would rather play on his PlayStation than see his little girl. The problem is the addictive nature of these games and the posters comparing gaming to doing the crossword or even watching tv. - sorry but just Fuck off.
I've seen how these games take over people's lives. I learnt hard lessons with my eldest son (now at uni) and am determined to do things very differently with my other kids. They draw kids further and further in until they're scared to finish a game in case they lose points or whatever. I've had my sons physically fighting me when I try to take the Xbox remote away.
I suspect What another poster to said to be true - even if he collected the daughter early he'd probably just ignore her whilst he played games. She's probably better off at playgroup.
Sad...really sad.

gamerchick · 23/01/2018 21:45

You could play sad music to some of these. Grin

RainbowPastel · 23/01/2018 21:48

What a load of crap OP. Your DH is a lazy sod and you are making excuses for him.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 23/01/2018 22:13

pinksplutterweasel Cab you not read?

QuackPorridgeBacon · 23/01/2018 22:13

Can*

JacquesHammer · 23/01/2018 22:13

I've seen how these games take over people's lives. I learnt hard lessons with my eldest son (now at uni)

So your son has an addictive personality? Surely you’re not extrapolating that out to every person who plays games...

Some gamers are addicted, some aren’t.

Some people spend too much time on MN, some don’t.

Some people spend too much time at the gym, some don’t

Some spend too much time watching football, some don’t

No hobby is more worthy than another. Nobody is wrong for having a hobby. Anyone who uses a hobby to check out of family life is in the wrong and that needs sorting

Misswiggy · 23/01/2018 22:50

Well it seems the op's hubby has an additive personality also doesn't it, if he would rather be consistently late to pick his daughter up from playgroup than exit his game. I can only comment on my own experiences of 'gaming' and so far it has all been completely negative. Brain-numbing, usually violent, additive, aggressive, personality- changing negativity.
I wonder what the families around those so intent on defending playing computer games think of it, and whether they would prefer you to play less/find other hobbies. If you were being completely honest(which I suspect you won't be)!

Ilovetolurk · 23/01/2018 22:52

You could play sad music to some of these

Excellent. I’m thinking the theme to Our Tune

Ilovetolurk · 23/01/2018 22:53

Brain-numbing, usually violent, additive, aggressive, personality- changing negativity

Pretty much describes this thread

XmasInTintagel · 23/01/2018 23:01

My ex was like this, always working late and could never pick up DD from nursery. But I once mentioned all the extra hours he worked to his friend and work colleague, and he burst out laughing, and said 'gaming, more like!' (he then saw my face and realised too late that I had been given the impression it was unavoidable that ex usually missed any time with his child in the evening..).
Sadly some men will cheerfully do whatever they can to avoid time with their kids, or any other domestic activity...makes you wonder why they ever agree to start a family :-/

Slarti · 23/01/2018 23:03

So now you are suggesting nursery is inherently dangerous to a child?

Of course not, don't be daft, I'm merely demonstrating that an op (or anyone acting as thread police on their behalf) can't reasonably expect to exclude from the discussion details that the OP them self included in the thread. Evidently lots of people have negative opinions on what the OP and her DH do and she opened herself up to those opinions when she posted about it.

gamerchick · 23/01/2018 23:09

I wonder what the families around those so intent on defending playing computer games think of it, and whether they would prefer you to play less/find other hobbies. If you were being completely honest(which I suspect you won't be)!

Um that we all have our own Xbox? And sometimes we stick a game on and play against/with each other?

Sundays me and the youngest snuggle up and play halo co-op together. It’s our way of unwinding from the week while it’s cold and setting up for the week ahead. I find that kids open up about anything that’s troubling them when you’re playing side by side and they’re a bit distracted.

You could ask him but I doubt he would want to do anything different until winters over.

JacquesHammer · 23/01/2018 23:13

I wonder what the families around those so intent on defending playing computer games think of it, and whether they would prefer you to play less/find other hobbies. If you were being completely honest(which I suspect you won't be)!

I don’t play games at all. My hobbies are reading, piano and rugby. The latter done when DD is at her dad’s so I imagine she’s quite happy with my choice of hobby.

She bloody loves a good gaming session with her dad though Grin

Misswiggy · 23/01/2018 23:23

You could ask him but I doubt he would want to do anything different until winters over

Exactly. Suggest going for a walk through the woods, playing with Lego, drawing, going to a museum instead and what would he do? kick off right?

But I turn the fucking thing off and make them go anyway Grin

HermionesRightHook · 23/01/2018 23:34

If I had the choice I'd sit around and sew for three hours, not going to lie. I can't abide computer games, I find them really dull, but it's not my hobby. The OP has repeatedly said that it's not the gaming/using free time that's the issue, it's the lateness. It's a perfectly normal hobby to have, pointless as it seems to many of us.

OP, the lateness needs addressing - he needs to be on time. I'd start by impressing the need for the workers to leave on time, how would he feel if he had to wait for someone to finish up their game, etc. He needs to learn how to manage his gaming time and not let 'five more minutes' make him into a shitbag. But it's not the game at fault, it's his shit time management.

However, your comments on this thread about men needing more alone time and not being able to multitask are complete fucking bollocks. Human beings need those things if they can find a way to get them, and I'm glad you get some time too. But you and your DH are equals in this, he doesn't 'need' more time than you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread