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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH deliberately leaving DD at Nursery? and why?

671 replies

ThreeDaysAWeek · 22/01/2018 02:26

First post, but long time lurker.

DD (whose 2) goes to Nursery 3 days a week. I drop her off at 7.30am, and get to work for 8amish, then work 8.15am – 4.45pm apart from Friday when I finish at 3.45pm. Nursery closes at 5.30pm so there’s no way on a Tuesday and Wednesday I can get to pick her up in time.

DH works full time but does 7am-2pm, and works a short walk from our home, so is home by 2.15pm every day. On a Tuesday and Wednesday we agreed he’d walk the mile to the Nursery and pick DD up, we pay for her to be in until 5.30pm so I’ve said to DH that as long as he gets her by then he can game/chill out at home for those 2 and half hours he’s got spare. Literally all he needs to do is take care of DD for that walk as I’m usually only a few minutes at most behind him getting through the door usually I get in just before they do.

Last week I had to attend a Staff Meeting after work on Tuesday and there was an accident on the motorway on Wednesday so I got stuck in traffic so was home late both days. I’ve just received an invoice from the Nursery –I deal with all paperwork regarding the Nursery etc so it comes to my email-- asking the payment for “unarranged late pickup” for two days last week; Tuesday and Wednesday (it’s not unusual to receive these things in the middle of the night as the finance manager is also a member of normal nursery staff so works with the children in the day!). According to the invoice on Tuesday she was picked up at 5.45pm, and on Wednesday at 6pm. This is the 3rd time in as many months I’ve received an invoice.

DH won’t tell me what he’s doing to make him late to pick DD up from Nursery and claims the Nursery are being overly fussy about “5 minutes or so”. I know they won’t be as it states in the contract with them they only charge from 15 minutes or more lateness so I know he must be being late to pick her up by that much. So my only conclusion is it must be deliberate.

It’s not a huge amount of money (£5 for every 15 minutes your late so £15 for the entire invoice) and we can afford it but it doesn’t seem fair to be delayed deliberately when DH has the time to pick her up.
DH is definitely not cheating/having an affair, firstly he works in a mostly male environment where the gossip is rife and no-one can even go the toilet without someone knowing and secondly my brother works with him (DH recommended DBro for the job) so my brother would be aware and would most definitely tell me if DH was getting some somewhere else –we’re twins and have always been close, we literally predict when we’re going to text/phone each other, even my mum finds it weird!--. He doesn’t go anywhere and has no hobbies apart from “gaming” (don’t get me started) so there’s definitely no OW.

So AIBU to think DH is deliberately leaving DD in Nursery? And if so what’s he doing?

OP posts:
Mummy2jen · 23/01/2018 18:06

I think it's selfish too...us mums having time to chill is very rare!! Bit unexpectable to finish work that early and not pic up your child early at least once a week and take her to the park or have some quality time together but instead sit around gaming! How old is he...not a teen right!? 😏Shock your little one would benefit from having an early bath, dinner and some stories read/play with daddy..very selfish

verystressedmum · 23/01/2018 18:07

I agree that it doesn’t seem right your dd is in the nursery while your dh is gaming.
When ds was in childcare is always collect him at whatever time I finished work. I tried to get a half day every week just so I could collect him from school and bring him home.
And in the holidays I tried to arrange our holidays and my mum so that he could be at home, and I still paid full time.

Cubtrouble · 23/01/2018 18:08

Why can’t the DH have one afternoon to please himself, behave like a child or whatever and the other day leave work, show up pick up his child and act like a man.

difficultpickle · 23/01/2018 18:08

My ds would do this. He’s 13 and gets very involved when playing matches. I make Him set an alarm on his phone when I need him to do things at a certain time.

I’d be less concerned about the issue of nursery costs and more concerned about your dh not wanting to spend time with his dd. I’m all in favour of having time to yourself but not at every available opportunity. Good luck.

BewareOfDragons · 23/01/2018 18:13

So your child spends most of her waking hours in care even though your DH doesn't work from 2pm onwards most days?
Charming priorities he has.

Alphvet · 23/01/2018 18:13

This is really poor. He has no excuse. The staff there have a long enough day without parents being late because they are doing more important things like playing on computer games. I’d have loads of sympathy if it was unavoidable

Ladyjozie · 23/01/2018 18:14

Sorry first time thanks for heads up

Alphvet · 23/01/2018 18:15

I think it’s fine about your child being a Nursery. A break for a few hours is fine. Young children can be difficult

Willswife · 23/01/2018 18:15

OP, you have a daughter. Please don't bring her up to think that it is her job to pick up the slack because poor men can't multitask.

You may have a husband that has convinced you it's true but I promise you it's not.

user1495656648 · 23/01/2018 18:16

Is he still a teenager himself with all this gaming? Doesn't sound ready or willing to be a dad to be honest OP. Has the chance to spend fun afternoons bonding with DD (which most dads would love to do!) and hes still late! Your DH priorities are the tv & control pad. Tell him to grow up

Sammysquiz · 23/01/2018 18:17

Small kids can be draining and I do think adults need some time to have fun

Can’t he have his “fun” in the evenings when the child is in bed. She’s only 2, and he hardly sees her!

labazs · 23/01/2018 18:20

you need to have serious talk he has time alone to do as he pleases so no excuses he needs to be honest

Saj1988 · 23/01/2018 18:20

Won’t tell you what he’s doing to make him late???

Lellikelly26 · 23/01/2018 18:24

I think it’s a shame he doesn’t pick her up earlier and she can have some quality time with him or just at home as she is quite little

AnnieAnoniMouse · 23/01/2018 18:26

HE HAS FIVE AFTERNOONS A WEEK ‘me time’ AND SLEEPS IN UNTIL LUNCHTIME ON SATURDAYS

It’s not one afternoon, it’s not just 2 afternoons, it’s FIVE.

nancyclancy123 · 23/01/2018 18:26

Picking her up late is an absolute disgrace. Does he think that the nursery staff have nothing better to do than wait around for parents who are late? There is no excuse whatsoever, he needs a good kick up the arse!

mommytoboo86 · 23/01/2018 18:31

I do think some are being bit harsh here however he shouldn't be late whether he's gaming or not.
I love my phone and once the housework is done I will sit and either play games on it or read 1 of the books and especially when reading the time can and has got away from me. 1 minute it'll be 1pm and I make lunch the next it's 3pm and I have to leave immediately to make it on time, so now I set an alarm for 2.45pm and I know it's time to lock up and go.
The fact he turns the PlayStation off as soon as she gets home says to me that he is not addicted to it as some seem to think and I don't see anything wrong with ur dh leaving her until 5.30 at all.
not sure where 10 hours comes from as he wouldn't be able to pick her up much before 3pm if it's a miles walk so that's only 2.5 hours extra.
I don't know about other nurseries but I know the 1s mine have gone too have set times either 8.30am til 12.30pm or 8.30 until 4.30pm and I wouldn't be allowed to just wonder in and take my child whenever I please.
and no I wouldn't expect him to pick her up early why should he? unless she doesn't want to be there?
perhaps op tell ur dh that if it happens again then they will withdraw her place and the only other decent nursery shuts at 3pm I think u might find he sets 3 or 4 alarms to make sure he gets there by 5.30 lol
x

flowergrrl77 · 23/01/2018 18:33

It's been said over and over, BUT I'll say it again, he just needs alarms to bleep when its time to start sorting himself to leave, and again when its time to leave.

It is SO easy to lose track of time whilst playing games :)
Good Luck!

Whowhatwhy · 23/01/2018 18:34

Tell him to pick up his daughter straight after work and bloody grow up a bit. I don't work during the school summer holidays. We still pay for nursery regardless but my child does not attend at all. I make the most of our time together. It's called being a parent as opposed to a teenager sitting around in his underpants playing with his toys. Grow up!!

nakedscientist · 23/01/2018 18:43

It is SO easy to lose track of time whilst playing games smile
Good Luck!

So why doesn't he just say this to OP?

BuzzKillington · 23/01/2018 18:46

I think adults that play on Playstations etc are strange at best. I've only heard of it on here, I don't know any in rl.

OnionKnight · 23/01/2018 18:50

I think adults that play on Playstations etc are strange at best. I've only heard of it on here, I don't know any in rl.

Considering hundreds of millions of Playstations have been sold over the years I don't believe you.

nakedscientist · 23/01/2018 18:51

Buzz I do think of the X box as a kids thing, my kids love it!

DH and I...meh!

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 23/01/2018 18:51

Given the amount of 18+ video games out there, I suspect plenty of adults DO play. There's no difference between me doing the crossword and my OH playing FIFA. We're both sat on our arses, not paying attention to anything else. Bit like MNing really...

gamerchick · 23/01/2018 18:52

Why do people picture gamers sitting around in their underwear when they play games? Is it a law that's passed me by? Hmm