Is DH deliberately leaving DD at Nursery? and why?

[ThreeDaysAWeek]

First post, but long time lurker.

DD (whose 2) goes to Nursery 3 days a week. I drop her off at 7.30am, and get to work for 8amish, then work 8.15am – 4.45pm apart from Friday when I finish at 3.45pm. Nursery closes at 5.30pm so there’s no way on a Tuesday and Wednesday I can get to pick her up in time.

DH works full time but does 7am-2pm, and works a short walk from our home, so is home by 2.15pm every day. On a Tuesday and Wednesday we agreed he’d walk the mile to the Nursery and pick DD up, we pay for her to be in until 5.30pm so I’ve said to DH that as long as he gets her by then he can game/chill out at home for those 2 and half hours he’s got spare. Literally all he needs to do is take care of DD for that walk as I’m usually only a few minutes at most behind him getting through the door usually I get in just before they do.

Last week I had to attend a Staff Meeting after work on Tuesday and there was an accident on the motorway on Wednesday so I got stuck in traffic so was home late both days. I’ve just received an invoice from the Nursery –I deal with all paperwork regarding the Nursery etc so it comes to my email-- asking the payment for “unarranged late pickup” for two days last week; Tuesday and Wednesday (it’s not unusual to receive these things in the middle of the night as the finance manager is also a member of normal nursery staff so works with the children in the day!). According to the invoice on Tuesday she was picked up at 5.45pm, and on Wednesday at 6pm. This is the 3rd time in as many months I’ve received an invoice.

DH won’t tell me what he’s doing to make him late to pick DD up from Nursery and claims the Nursery are being overly fussy about “5 minutes or so”. I know they won’t be as it states in the contract with them they only charge from 15 minutes or more lateness so I know he must be being late to pick her up by that much. So my only conclusion is it must be deliberate.

It’s not a huge amount of money (£5 for every 15 minutes your late so £15 for the entire invoice) and we can afford it but it doesn’t seem fair to be delayed deliberately when DH has the time to pick her up.
DH is definitely not cheating/having an affair, firstly he works in a mostly male environment where the gossip is rife and no-one can even go the toilet without someone knowing and secondly my brother works with him (DH recommended DBro for the job) so my brother would be aware and would most definitely tell me if DH was getting some somewhere else –we’re twins and have always been close, we literally predict when we’re going to text/phone each other, even my mum finds it weird!--. He doesn’t go anywhere and has no hobbies apart from “gaming” (don’t get me started) so there’s definitely no OW.

So AIBU to think DH is deliberately leaving DD in Nursery? And if so what’s he doing?

I do get your points but I think by making the thread a defence of gaming, you're inadvertently defending this guy which isn't a good way of getting your point across as he's such a bad example of gamers

I don’t see how it could come across as inadvertently defending the guy when I specifically wrote quite clearly he was being unreasonable in my first post.

And gaming isn’t a hobby I do so I have no vested interest other than supporting a charity. I just get so sick of ridiculous superiority complexes on MN which are becoming more and more prevalent.

Small kids can be draining and I do think adults need some time to have fun. I don't think men need more fun time than women but if it helps keep parents happy and happy parents may stay together more then I think a couple of afternoons with the child playing in a nursery rather than with a parent is worth it. It's only relatively recently that entertaining your child and playing with them constantly became a parental requirement and I think a lot of relationships and parental depression are related to families being more child centred rather than adult centred with guilt if weekends aren't full of "family time" and kids aren't having every moment filled with activities.

I suppose those of us with active sporting hobbies tend to look at “gaming” as slovenly and really quite a lazy hobby.

My Munro bagging husband (current count 248/282) is also a gamer. Cos...you know, you can do both. I know it takes a lot of imagination and hard work in your brain to conceive of it...but it's really true! One is not mutually exclusive of the other!

But you just keep telling yourself you're a better breed of horse there. That's nice for you.

I have to say OP...as much as I think it's a shame you've taken such a pounding on here, your train of thought about men not being able to multitask and needing more time out than women is absolute noodles. It's simply not true...it's simple societal conditioning that you are fed and you have clearly swallowed. Don't pass that pish on to your daughter please.

pictish Munroe bagging sounds a bit rude to this sassenach

You're right though. Gaming is seen on MN as something that only slightly grubby men with no social skills and trouble with engaging with society do.

It is also true though that gaming does seem to take place in some other time scale from other hobbies. Time literally does just disappear when you're gaming which, I suspect is what has happened to the OP's DH

I love gaming and sometimes I do game for 3+ hours a day! But I'm never late for pick up and I don't think I'd leave my 2 year old in childcare for 6 extra hours a week so I could play games in peace.

The only thing I have an issue with is him being late and not giving a shit. And the OP telling us that men need more downtime (is that from that Women/Venus;Men/Mars book? )

Storm: I personally find football and other sports infantile, sad and mind-bendingly dull but I would NEVER be as rude as many of the other posters on this thread and crowingly announce that opinion to people who enjoy having it in their lives.

Never? Because, y'know, you just did.

Jaques: but why it is deemed acceptable to be openly rude about people ... I can’t imagine being so infantile and insecure in my own life that I need to denigrate someone else ... I just get so sick of ridiculous superiority complexes on MN

Coming across a bit superior yourself Jaques

I would take the controllers to work with u! He won’t be late picking her up then 🤣🙈

Having an affair?

Maybe he needs to drag himself away from the Playstation/set an alarm.. There really is no excuse to be late collecting her when he is home in plenty of time.. I understand the money bit, you are paid til 5.30pm so he should collect her at 5.30pm or 5 mins before! Good luck!

I've know of other male halves struggling to look after 2 year olds on their own and have either spent the day they look after their child at their mums or leave it as late as possible to collect them from childcare so they have to care for their child for the least amount of time possible on their own before their other half gets home and takes over. Could this be the case for your OH? If so would he be honest about it?

If you get home from work early and have a few hours before getting your child - do you sit on your backside? Thought no. How about telling him to get in from work, grab a quick cuppa and then get on with the ironing/ prepping dinner/ vacuuming etc. I’d never encourage my other half to chill and play games unless that’s exactly what I’d be doing too.

MidniteScribbler hit it on the head. Your DH sounds like a juvenile, selfish moron. Neither of you will ever get the time back with your child. I have to ask, did he even want a child?

I'm an at home Dad of 14years. It's cool that he has so much free time during the day, but I agree that it would appear he is getting lost in his gaming world. I'm around the house all day and don't have time to game for hours on end!
Could he not cook dinner or do some housework? I say cut the hours back on those days and get your DD picked up so she can spend some time with with her Dad. After all, it's better for a child to spend time with a parent than people at a nursery.
Actually enough of the PC speak. He needs to put on his big boy pants, man up and take care of his own.

women are more natural multi taskers, they can juggle watching a toddler and making a phone call/doing housework much more naturally than a man can so I think they find it tiring when they have to do it, so need more time away from the family to relax and recover from that experience.

COMPLETE AND UTTER BOLLOCKS!

women are more natural multi taskers, they can juggle watching a toddler and making a phone call/doing housework much more naturally than a man can so I think they find it tiring when they have to do it, so need more time away from the family to relax and recover from that experience.

Seriously we are still saying this to excuse lazy parenting?

To all the pp saying chuck the games in the bin, why is a grown man playing video games, what do you do with your leisure time - watch 3 hours of TV a day? Not sure what the difference is.

I'm a female who worked in a mainly male environment where gossip was rife however.....when I comes to affairs everyone may gossip but nobody date tell the OH. be sure as somethings
really not right.
if there isn't anybody else, what's he so ashamed off that he won't explain to you and what's more important than his little kid?
not good. hope it works out for you

I don't even understand the point of asking this question what response were you expecting? You need to give your head a wobble and tell your DH to sort himself the fuck out. Poor child, you're actually going to teach your daughter men need more time because they have a friggin penis and that's okay she is born to be a 'natural multitasker'. Pfft, you're an enabler and your 2 year old is probably better off at nursery if her father would rather spend time doing his own thing and you don't give a shit.

Hi this is my first post but was wandering if i should have a word with my neighbour
They are a lovely couple and help me out with my front garden on a few occasions weeding and tidying
But this week was asked if could give them access to the back garden because their fence needed fixing as it was starting to lean
Well the workmen came round and have put in a bolster on my side of the fence to support it
I am a bit upset as they did not say this was going to happen and I naively just let the workmen go ahead
Should I say something or just ignore

Why do you need to "recover from the experience" of spending time with your own child??

I feel so sorry for that child being left all that time at a nursery. Poor kid.

Ladyjozie
You need to start your own thread rather than posting on this one.