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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH deliberately leaving DD at Nursery? and why?

671 replies

ThreeDaysAWeek · 22/01/2018 02:26

First post, but long time lurker.

DD (whose 2) goes to Nursery 3 days a week. I drop her off at 7.30am, and get to work for 8amish, then work 8.15am – 4.45pm apart from Friday when I finish at 3.45pm. Nursery closes at 5.30pm so there’s no way on a Tuesday and Wednesday I can get to pick her up in time.

DH works full time but does 7am-2pm, and works a short walk from our home, so is home by 2.15pm every day. On a Tuesday and Wednesday we agreed he’d walk the mile to the Nursery and pick DD up, we pay for her to be in until 5.30pm so I’ve said to DH that as long as he gets her by then he can game/chill out at home for those 2 and half hours he’s got spare. Literally all he needs to do is take care of DD for that walk as I’m usually only a few minutes at most behind him getting through the door usually I get in just before they do.

Last week I had to attend a Staff Meeting after work on Tuesday and there was an accident on the motorway on Wednesday so I got stuck in traffic so was home late both days. I’ve just received an invoice from the Nursery –I deal with all paperwork regarding the Nursery etc so it comes to my email-- asking the payment for “unarranged late pickup” for two days last week; Tuesday and Wednesday (it’s not unusual to receive these things in the middle of the night as the finance manager is also a member of normal nursery staff so works with the children in the day!). According to the invoice on Tuesday she was picked up at 5.45pm, and on Wednesday at 6pm. This is the 3rd time in as many months I’ve received an invoice.

DH won’t tell me what he’s doing to make him late to pick DD up from Nursery and claims the Nursery are being overly fussy about “5 minutes or so”. I know they won’t be as it states in the contract with them they only charge from 15 minutes or more lateness so I know he must be being late to pick her up by that much. So my only conclusion is it must be deliberate.

It’s not a huge amount of money (£5 for every 15 minutes your late so £15 for the entire invoice) and we can afford it but it doesn’t seem fair to be delayed deliberately when DH has the time to pick her up.
DH is definitely not cheating/having an affair, firstly he works in a mostly male environment where the gossip is rife and no-one can even go the toilet without someone knowing and secondly my brother works with him (DH recommended DBro for the job) so my brother would be aware and would most definitely tell me if DH was getting some somewhere else –we’re twins and have always been close, we literally predict when we’re going to text/phone each other, even my mum finds it weird!--. He doesn’t go anywhere and has no hobbies apart from “gaming” (don’t get me started) so there’s definitely no OW.

So AIBU to think DH is deliberately leaving DD in Nursery? And if so what’s he doing?

OP posts:
PinkyBlunder · 23/01/2018 12:58

My DH has just finished half a day work and is now cooking some lunch for both of us whilst making a work related phone call.

Must remember to remind him to take some special ‘me time’ to recover.

JoshLymanSr · 23/01/2018 12:59

women are more natural multi taskers

This is why, throughout history, no man has ever successfully achieved anything requiring skills in multiple disciplines, like running a business, a career in politics, farming, or managing a public body.

YearOfYouRemember · 23/01/2018 13:03

Please don't being up your dd to think men are above her.

AuntFidgetWonkhamStrongNajork · 23/01/2018 13:05

I do however think men need more free time than women because women are more natural multi taskers, they can juggle watching a toddler and making a phone call/doing housework much more naturally than a man can so I think they find it tiring when they have to do it, so need more time away from the family to relax and recover from that experience. I'm not saying DH is a bad father he just requires a bit more time away in order to be a good parent

NAMALT Grin

HuckfromScandal · 23/01/2018 13:11

FFS - poor bloody child.
Useless inept father who can't collect her on time from nursery, and a mother who will teach her that a man needs more time than she will, because - hey - he has a penis.

I fucking despair

BakedBeans47 · 23/01/2018 13:26

OP I think you are getting a bit of an unfair kicking but

I do however think men need more free time than women because women are more natural multi taskers, they can juggle watching a toddler and making a phone call/doing housework much more naturally than a man can so I think they find it tiring when they have to do it, so need more time away from the family to relax and recover from that experience.

Is bollocks

AuntLydia · 23/01/2018 13:35

Well this attitude of the poor little man needing more free time and finding wife work hard has well and truly backfired on you here hasn't it? It means he doesn't think he has to be accountable for picking his kid up on time. After all he is just a tired wee man who can't be expected to manage his own time when there are women folk at the nursery who probably just LOVE kids so much they barely notice they're in work an extra half an hour.

mrsharrison · 23/01/2018 13:36

Men do not tire more easily and do not need more me time at all.
Please re think this opinion op.

Slarti · 23/01/2018 13:40

This afternoon I was engaged in careful strategy to storm the stronghold with my teammates, we worked on communication, tactical planning utilising our various different talents in order to achieve an effective result to our goals

Dear God. This reads like one of those CVs where someone describes a gap in employment as "experience in financial planning and event management" when what they mean is "did the weekly shopping and took the kids to the park." Grin

frieda909 · 23/01/2018 13:40

Oh, OP.

I’m on your side. Truly I am, and I think your husband should crack on and play games to his heart’s content if that’s what works for you guys and everyone’s happy.

But please, please do not make it about what ‘men’ need and are capable of vs what ‘women’ need.

The idea that women are simply better multitaskers is bollocks, made up to justify why it’s perfectly OK to leave your wife juggling a baby with one hand, stirring dinner with the other and mopping the floor with her feet while you sit on the sofa with a brandy recovering from a hard day. ‘She’s just better at that stuff!’

GeorgeTheHamster · 23/01/2018 14:00

Fucking hell.

That paragraph has given me the rage.

Have we made no progress?

FizzyGreenWater · 23/01/2018 14:05

I do however think men need more free time than women because women are more natural multi taskers, they can juggle watching a toddler and making a phone call/doing housework much more naturally than a man can so I think they find it tiring when they have to do it, so need more time away from the family to relax and recover from that experience. I'm not saying DH is a bad father he just requires a bit more time away in order to be a good parent.

No, I don't recognise this in my DH. But that's because he's an actual good parent. Not a lazy arse who would genuinely rather be on his playstation than be spending time with his tiny DD.

Dress it up all you like but you buying into that bullshit is the reason why he's late and YES is absolutely 'deliberately leaving her at nursery'. Because, as of yet, he's not actually much of a parent. You can change that. The first step is to ditch the thinking above, and start expecting him to be as much a parent as you are. Oh, and maybe recognise a fledgeling gaming addiction when you see one.

tralaaa · 23/01/2018 14:06

To answer you original question

Yes he is deliberately leaving you child at Nursery

Reason. Because you like getting your monies worth and you can afford the extra charges

ProperLavs · 23/01/2018 14:10

Bloody hell op, why are you enabling his behaviour? What load of crap. men don't need more free time than women. Women need to stand up to lazy men . It's exactly your sort of reasoning that causes such an unfair workload for women in the first place.

2rebecca · 23/01/2018 14:56

I don't see anything wrong with having 2 child free afternoons a week to game/ cycle/ play an instrument/ knit/ garden etc. Being late isn't on though and I would tell him that the being late has to stop and he is being selfish as the nursery workers want their free time too.

Costacoffeeplease · 23/01/2018 15:12

*FFS - poor bloody child.
Useless inept father who can't collect her on time from nursery, and a mother who will teach her that a man needs more time than she will, because - hey - he has a penis.

I fucking despair*

This, with fucking massive bells on

JoshLymanSr · 23/01/2018 15:26

As far as adult gaming goes, I suppose those of us with active sporting hobbies tend to look at “gaming” as slovenly and really quite a lazy hobby.

Interesting - my experience of 'sporty' individuals at school was that they thought very little of reading books as well. Must have been too 'slovenly' for them.

peachgreen · 23/01/2018 15:27

@StormTreader I'm a gamer but that "storming the stronghold" nonsense is the second-biggest pile of bollocks on this thread (after OP's "men can't multi-task so they need more downtime crap").

Gaming is no more or less worthy a hobby than any other form of media consumption - it's absolutely not infantile but let's not pretend it's some kind of worthy pursuit.

Anyway, as repeatedly stated on this thread, the divisive issue isn't whether gaming is a good or bad way to spend your leisure time, it's whether OP's DH should be prioritising getting 6+ extra hours of leisure time over spending ANY one on one time with his child.

StormTreader · 23/01/2018 15:42

@peachgreen my point is that not all gaming is infantile and meaningless, and not all physical hobbies are worthy and impressive.
Gaming can promote and foster skills that apply in the real world, it doesnt all HAVE to but it can.

I personally find football and other sports infantile, sad and mind-bendingly dull but I would NEVER be as rude as many of the other posters on this thread and crowingly announce that opinion to people who enjoy having it in their lives.

donners312 · 23/01/2018 15:45

A lazy Dad and a Mum who wants to get her 'moneys worth' rather than her child have some more time at home!

Don't like to critizise parents but in your case i'll make an exception,

JacquesHammer · 23/01/2018 16:03

Gaming is no more or less worthy a hobby than any other form of media consumption - it's absolutely not infantile but let's not pretend it's some kind of worthy pursuit

The issue isn’t that it’s more worthy (although it can be very useful for learning some skills) but why it is deemed acceptable to be openly rude about people who have different hobbies.

I can’t imagine being so infantile and insecure in my own life that I need to denigrate someone else’s hobby because it makes my own feel more worthy. It must be exhausting.

Not ONE of the gamers who have commented on this thread have suggested that the OP’s husband wasn’t reasonable in being late for nursery. But there is some sort of abject horror when people mention games that really is baffling and colours responses to a question.

JacquesHammer · 23/01/2018 16:04

@peachgreen Apologies, I didn’t add another quote in. I am not critical of your post

JacquesHammer · 23/01/2018 16:09

*was reasonable

rabbit12345 · 23/01/2018 16:10

* Isn't that a waste of money? If he picks her up at say 2.30pm we're still paying for her to be there until 5.30pm so losing 9 hours a week at Nursery which is paid for. Half day finishes at 1pm so can't cut her to half days.*

It depends on how you look at it! I find this statement a bit like having to eat all the food on your plate because you paid for the meal even though it might cause indigestion. She is his daughter, why would you not suggest he spend some one on one time with her doing things she can’t do at Nursery like swimming or park walks.

peachgreen · 23/01/2018 16:22

@StormTreader @JacquesHammer I do get your points but I think by making the thread a defence of gaming, you're inadvertently defending this guy which isn't a good way of getting your point across as he's such a bad example of gamers!

I suspect the people who are criticising gaming here aren't ever really going to get it and that's okay - life is too short to let someone's opinion of something you love impact you too much.