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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH deliberately leaving DD at Nursery? and why?

671 replies

ThreeDaysAWeek · 22/01/2018 02:26

First post, but long time lurker.

DD (whose 2) goes to Nursery 3 days a week. I drop her off at 7.30am, and get to work for 8amish, then work 8.15am – 4.45pm apart from Friday when I finish at 3.45pm. Nursery closes at 5.30pm so there’s no way on a Tuesday and Wednesday I can get to pick her up in time.

DH works full time but does 7am-2pm, and works a short walk from our home, so is home by 2.15pm every day. On a Tuesday and Wednesday we agreed he’d walk the mile to the Nursery and pick DD up, we pay for her to be in until 5.30pm so I’ve said to DH that as long as he gets her by then he can game/chill out at home for those 2 and half hours he’s got spare. Literally all he needs to do is take care of DD for that walk as I’m usually only a few minutes at most behind him getting through the door usually I get in just before they do.

Last week I had to attend a Staff Meeting after work on Tuesday and there was an accident on the motorway on Wednesday so I got stuck in traffic so was home late both days. I’ve just received an invoice from the Nursery –I deal with all paperwork regarding the Nursery etc so it comes to my email-- asking the payment for “unarranged late pickup” for two days last week; Tuesday and Wednesday (it’s not unusual to receive these things in the middle of the night as the finance manager is also a member of normal nursery staff so works with the children in the day!). According to the invoice on Tuesday she was picked up at 5.45pm, and on Wednesday at 6pm. This is the 3rd time in as many months I’ve received an invoice.

DH won’t tell me what he’s doing to make him late to pick DD up from Nursery and claims the Nursery are being overly fussy about “5 minutes or so”. I know they won’t be as it states in the contract with them they only charge from 15 minutes or more lateness so I know he must be being late to pick her up by that much. So my only conclusion is it must be deliberate.

It’s not a huge amount of money (£5 for every 15 minutes your late so £15 for the entire invoice) and we can afford it but it doesn’t seem fair to be delayed deliberately when DH has the time to pick her up.
DH is definitely not cheating/having an affair, firstly he works in a mostly male environment where the gossip is rife and no-one can even go the toilet without someone knowing and secondly my brother works with him (DH recommended DBro for the job) so my brother would be aware and would most definitely tell me if DH was getting some somewhere else –we’re twins and have always been close, we literally predict when we’re going to text/phone each other, even my mum finds it weird!--. He doesn’t go anywhere and has no hobbies apart from “gaming” (don’t get me started) so there’s definitely no OW.

So AIBU to think DH is deliberately leaving DD in Nursery? And if so what’s he doing?

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 22/01/2018 20:20

'I think men do need more (free) time than women in general'.

OP, your H is going to continue to take the piss as long as you make excuses for him.

He is no prince just because he has a job and does a bit around the house. I think you should wake up. He is taking the time, labour and patience of women for granted and being very disrespectful.

I find myself actually hoping that he will one day at about 6.10 be greeted by a nursery worker who tears him a new one for the massive inconvenience he is causing.

Your comment in men needing more free time than women is gobsmacking.

HeebieJeebies456 · 22/01/2018 21:56

so mature caprini ......my original comment must have hit a nerve with what probably goes on in your household/'relationship'......

QuackPorridgeBacon · 22/01/2018 22:04

1ndig0 Have you actually read what the Op has written? I don’t see where she says he sits on it for three hours 5 days a week. I did see that she said he does his share around the house though. Did you miss that? The child is only at the daycare three times a week, I’m sure she has plenty of down time. Do you bestow such disgust at parents who work every day of the week? Maybe they could stop being so selfish to need such luxuries and could collect their children early also? Or is work deemed ok but pleasure not?

Caprinihahahaha · 22/01/2018 22:09

Oh heebie

You posted like an total twat and I called you on it
Stop digging

pictish · 22/01/2018 22:11

I can't speak for** Camprini but I'm going to assume it's less to do with hitting a raw nerve and far more to do with her dislike of posts spouting bile and judgement with no basis in reality, like yours did.
You don't know the OPs husband from Adam do you? You have no idea what his strengths as a parent are. Stating that he's nothing but a sperm donor says a lot more about you, than being late for nursery pick up a couple of times does about him.
True story.

pictish · 22/01/2018 22:13

Sorry that was to Heebie.

Caprinihahahaha · 22/01/2018 22:15

You can speak for me Pictish

That’s it entirely,

The ‘poor kid’ stuff is predictable and grim too

BakedBeans47 · 22/01/2018 22:29

The OP’s Husband is an arse it is absolutely not acceptable for him to be late for nursery pick up.

I don’t get the sanctimonious attitude that there’s something wrong with a parent wanting a bit of time to themselves though instead of having to spend every waking moment with them.

GabsAlot · 22/01/2018 22:42

why wont he tell u what hes doing-if hes "allowed" downtime coz he needs rest then surely he can say i was gaming

not that i agree with it half an hour late is taking the piss people have homes to go to

QuackPorridgeBacon · 22/01/2018 22:46

GabsAlot I reckon he doesn’t want to admit he let the game takeover. He needs to make sure he is always on time, regardless of the game though.

geekone · 22/01/2018 22:47

Poor OP bet you didn't think you would have the super mummy's out in force on you today. "I don't even leave my child to 💩 alone we do everything together, how can you work evil woman" Angry there needs to be a vomit icon.

Late is shit he needs to do better he needs to set an alarm for 4pm and put the console down, I think that is way too much gaming but that's just me. However it is easy to get lost in technology I have just spent 30 minutes reading this bloody post when I should be in bed.
Alone time is important again don't listen to the sanctamomies. When my DS was 2 I put him in nursery on my birthday and had a spa day and lunch and read a good book. It was such a good day I did it the following year but changes spa for cinema. Happy people make better parents not the marters.
Last thing sorry, but no, men don't need more alone time my DH is as good and as regular a parent as me my DS went to nursery 3 full days 7.45-5.15 from 6 months every Friday he spent the day with me and every Monday with his dad and the weekend together (when my DH isn't working) he still misses his nursery and he is 8. My DS and DH have a fab relationship due to the time they spent together alone for 4.5 years they don't get it so often now with school but they still have boys days when they can. Men are perfectly capable to parent as well as women.
Sorry about all of the negative posts OP some good advice in there too though Flowers

FitBitFanClub · 22/01/2018 22:52

Everyone needs downtime from work and young children, but this bloke seems to be getting quite a bit of it, I would say. But the point at which it directly impacts other people (namely, the nursery staff) is when it becomes unacceptable. And his attitude that they're fussing is pretty selfish and unpleasant.

monkeymamma · 22/01/2018 22:52

Sorry but my mind boggles you’d leave a 2 year old in nursery from 7.30 until 6 so you can play computer games. He’d rather spend those 3 hours gaming than with his 2yo??! These are really precious times that will go in the blink of an eye and he’d rather sit around gaming?!

Elocutioner · 22/01/2018 22:56

I'd rather do pretty much anything than entertain a two year old after a full day of work.

He needs to sort his time management but I don't see much else wrong here.

frieda909 · 22/01/2018 22:56

FFS this place is utterly ridiculous.

OP’s husband gets two (not five!) child-free afternoons a week when he is not working, some of which he may or may not choose to spend playing computer games. People are conveniently ignoring the part where OP said he also uses that time to go food shopping, do laundry, strip the beds and sort out dinner for them all.

Apparently this makes him a worthless sperm donor who wastes every waking minute playing stupid video games and therefore is an utter failure as a parent.

OP, if whatever arrangement you have is working for you and your family, then ignore all these spiteful drama queens and carry on. But tell your husband he needs to be on time for pick-up for now on. That’s really all there is to it.

monkeymamma · 22/01/2018 22:57

Geekone a spa day for your birthday is not the same as doing this three times a week! And I don’t give a shite if you think I’m a sanctamommy, my dc at that age would leave nursery after a far shorter stint than op’s kid exhausted, grubby, sometimes pretty hungry, and strung out. If I had to leave them longer - because I was actually working! - I’d feel horribly guilty. For op’s husband to swan about playing call of duty or whatever while his baby waits for mum or dad is quite honestly Not Ok.

Elocutioner · 22/01/2018 22:58

Is it so hard to imagine that kids aren't all the same? Some kids enjoy or cope with nursery better than others?

How do you not know that?

frieda909 · 22/01/2018 23:00

my dc at that age would leave nursery after a far shorter stint than op’s kid exhausted, grubby, sometimes pretty hungry, and strung out

But OP’s child is not yours. If she says her child is happy then who are you to say otherwise?

FitBitFanClub · 22/01/2018 23:01

Frieda, where do you get two afternoons from? The OP said he finishes at 2/2.15 (?) each day. As she seems to be out and about with her dd on days she's not working, that gives him those other afternoons free too.

isitme88 · 22/01/2018 23:09

I fidget home from work at 4. My kids stay at nursery till half 5 (paid till 6) 2 days per week) I need that hour and a half to clean and cook.

geekone · 22/01/2018 23:59

my dc at that age would leave nursery after a far shorter stint than op’s kid exhausted, grubby, sometimes pretty hungry, and strung out

And my dc did the same hours but from much younger and I can't remember him being "strung out" ever. Tired and happily dirty but not strung out. 3 days in nursery will not kill (or adversely affect) her DD. Being late is seperate and as I said pretty shitty. That is the question op asked she was not being asked to go on trial for crimes of nursery hours or asking for her parenting choices to be scrutinised

Kokeshi123 · 23/01/2018 01:36

Nothing wrong with parents enjoying some free time (including when kids are in CC), but he needs to be there on time. It's incredibly irresponsible to be late again and again.

And that is an awful lot of free time he is getting there. If he's already getting chores done and still has hours to spare, maybe he should be looking at upping his work hours? If he did the 2.5 hours of gaming once a week, that would be enough.

Lethaldrizzle · 23/01/2018 07:29

Grown men playing x box or whatever is a wee bit sad, let alone leaving his kid with strangers so he can lose himself in some kind of alternative reality because he needs some 'Me time '

YouTheCat · 23/01/2018 07:36

Gaming is sad but MNetting is just fine? Hmm

DeleteOrDecay · 23/01/2018 07:45

Grown men playing x box or whatever is a wee bit sad

What's your opinion on grown women playing xbox?