Is DH deliberately leaving DD at Nursery? and why?

[ThreeDaysAWeek]

First post, but long time lurker.

DD (whose 2) goes to Nursery 3 days a week. I drop her off at 7.30am, and get to work for 8amish, then work 8.15am – 4.45pm apart from Friday when I finish at 3.45pm. Nursery closes at 5.30pm so there’s no way on a Tuesday and Wednesday I can get to pick her up in time.

DH works full time but does 7am-2pm, and works a short walk from our home, so is home by 2.15pm every day. On a Tuesday and Wednesday we agreed he’d walk the mile to the Nursery and pick DD up, we pay for her to be in until 5.30pm so I’ve said to DH that as long as he gets her by then he can game/chill out at home for those 2 and half hours he’s got spare. Literally all he needs to do is take care of DD for that walk as I’m usually only a few minutes at most behind him getting through the door usually I get in just before they do.

Last week I had to attend a Staff Meeting after work on Tuesday and there was an accident on the motorway on Wednesday so I got stuck in traffic so was home late both days. I’ve just received an invoice from the Nursery –I deal with all paperwork regarding the Nursery etc so it comes to my email-- asking the payment for “unarranged late pickup” for two days last week; Tuesday and Wednesday (it’s not unusual to receive these things in the middle of the night as the finance manager is also a member of normal nursery staff so works with the children in the day!). According to the invoice on Tuesday she was picked up at 5.45pm, and on Wednesday at 6pm. This is the 3rd time in as many months I’ve received an invoice.

DH won’t tell me what he’s doing to make him late to pick DD up from Nursery and claims the Nursery are being overly fussy about “5 minutes or so”. I know they won’t be as it states in the contract with them they only charge from 15 minutes or more lateness so I know he must be being late to pick her up by that much. So my only conclusion is it must be deliberate.

It’s not a huge amount of money (£5 for every 15 minutes your late so £15 for the entire invoice) and we can afford it but it doesn’t seem fair to be delayed deliberately when DH has the time to pick her up.
DH is definitely not cheating/having an affair, firstly he works in a mostly male environment where the gossip is rife and no-one can even go the toilet without someone knowing and secondly my brother works with him (DH recommended DBro for the job) so my brother would be aware and would most definitely tell me if DH was getting some somewhere else –we’re twins and have always been close, we literally predict when we’re going to text/phone each other, even my mum finds it weird!--. He doesn’t go anywhere and has no hobbies apart from “gaming” (don’t get me started) so there’s definitely no OW.

So AIBU to think DH is deliberately leaving DD in Nursery? And if so what’s he doing?

I think it's sad you'd rather not "waste" the money than her father have a few extra hours with his toddler.

He's just a sperm donor - not a dad as he clearly values his 'me' gaming time above the parenting/quality time with his child.

Poor kid.

Well OP I bet you're so glad you called in today aren't you? Nothing offers a fresh and insightful perspective on life as a parent than pages and pages of know-it-all, up-their-own-arses who have never met you, tearing you, your husband and your approach to childcare to shreds.
In case you weren't clear on any of it, your husband is a pathetic, sperm donating, lazy, childish, selfish, poor excuse for a father. You are also pathetic, as well as being a terrible mother who cares more about money than your own child.
These fine people have clearly made exclusively exemplary choices as parents on every occasion themselves so they have the power of insight into a couple of late pick ups from nursery and what a heinous crime has been committed. Thank fuck for the collective voice of reason eh? I love mumsnet. It's brilliant.

See, I don’t class “me time” as being alone when the children are in bed. Yeah I technically get some time alone but I’m still listening out and responding when I need to. To me, “me time” is about being completley alone, if they get upset or need help with something etc someone else is responding and I don’t have to sit their worrying. I get to completely zone out and be alone in the quiet. I’ve always been quite lonely so enjoy my own company a lot. I love my children and I’d like to think I’m a good mum. But with, PTSd and anxiety along with depression etc, I really value that time alone to recharge and be better for the girls. Regardless of mental health status I think anyone that wants that time alone and is able to have it, should go for it. In this case, it’s only three afternoons a week that the dad has to himself while the child is in daycare. The other times she is with her family. What’s wrong with that?

HeebieJeebies

Honestly, that’s so over the top it just makes you look like a sad fanny

pictish Well said. So much for not judging others parenting and supporting one an other. I agree with being blunt when necessary but this is just odd. Playing games does not make someone a bad father. I play barbie a with my child, I must be a twat then.

There*

Hear, hear, pictish
I would have given my left arm to have a few hours to myself with dc happy at nursery!
Mumsnet isn’t usually this off kilter?

You sound like you're looking in the mirror caprini

No, your Mum

I’m pretty sure a ‘gamer’ would rather not spend that time away from his PlayStation for daddy time. Most Men hate looking after there kids, my husband is lazy but wants a football team

See, I don’t class “me time” as being alone when the children are in bed ... To me, “me time” is about being completley alone

How compatible is that definition of "me time" with parenthood? In my experience, not very! Certainly not to the point I would expect it for 3 hours a day. I'd have thought a more realistic expectation would be to have it occasionally when the other parent or perhaps GPs are there, and most days have some semblence of downtime when the DC are in bed. Personally I go running, I have evenings out with friends or with DW but only when DW or GP or someone similar takes over. If I was the only parent there I'd feel massively unreasonable sticking any of my DC in childcare for "me time". I think to have children but to want regular time completely alone is to want your cake and eat it!

A lot of women hate looking after their children too. It just happens that we are biologically driven to look after them. It’s all science. There are exceptions to the rule, obviously. You see it on here a lot. I don’t think people should be slagged off because of the way they feel. Some people need more time alone than others and some people love to socialise, why is one ok but not the other? A whole night out drinking with friends is encouraged for women but a man wanting to game for a few hours is seen as the worst thing possible. It’s baffling. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. The Op is happy with the set up so why are people telling her she shouldn’t be.

Slarti Lucky you then. No frankly can look after my child so a daycare is great for us to have some time with someone else doing the worrying. 10 hours a week we get of being completely alone. Tomorrow we are going to have breakfast then come back and clean the house a little. You like to run, that’s great, I like to Netflix. I don’t think having children should mean giving up your time completely. I also bed shared but still loves when my child was at her nanny’s for the night. So let me get this straight, it’s ok to have no child, all night long and obviously some of the day before and some of the next day, but a few hours a couple of times a week at daycare even if you are at home is bad? Ok then.

I don’t have any friends so going out with them is out of the question. So being a loner means I shouldn’t have any pleasure at all, ever. As my pleasure is being in my home with no children for a little bit. You get out from your children and that is ok?

Family*

I don’t think having children should mean giving up your time completely.

I don't either. I just think that children and complete alone time aren't the most compatible of things and you have to be reasonable and compromise. You're right, I am lucky and have my DW and family who will occasionally provide childcare, it was a bit insensitive of me to phrase that how I have because of course not everyone has that luxury and those who don't should of course find a way to have their own down time, but it comes down to balance and I stand by my point that one has to temper ones expectations of "complete alone time" and the pursuit of one's hobbies when children come along. It doesn't seem to me that the OP's DH has done that.

I get what you are saying and I’m sure my experiences make me biased on these things. I’m very much an attached parent. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to do and when I had my first I was barely separated from her and was the happiest person ever. Then along cake my second and I had to learn to be away from her, I didn’t realise for a long time that I had PTSd and depression etc but I did learn to be away from her. I learnt how to make myself enjoy that time. So when she finally came home things got me hard. It was demanding, I was doing a nurses job as well as a mothers and it was hard. We got respite but again it was difficult and I stopped leaving the house which didn’t help. I have no friends so no escape and I became used to my home being my safe place. The last few weeks (apart from when she is sick or in hospital) she has been away at a daycare run by nurses. We chose this to help with speech and interaction as she can’t be in crowded places for fear of getting sick. And the time alone, like completley alone is amazing. I don’t have to worry because I know she is safe etc and I imagine that for whatever reason, even parents with “normal” children can feel like this and escaping before the mental health problems hit is ideal. I wish I had taken more time somehow to be alone and recharge before it got to the point I wanted to end my life.

See, completley biased but I don’t really have anything else to go on. As long as the child is loved and happy, spending time away from them isn’t a problem in my opinion. Happy parents equals a happy child. I’ve learnt that the hard way.

Holy shit! I'm a mother and a gamer. Do I need to drop my son at social services myself or will they come and pick him up? If they could come get him that would be great as I'm stuck on this mission...

Quack - do you think it's normal for a grown man and father to be playing 3+ hours of video games in the middle of the day 5 days a week?

As I said, I would be concerned if my teens were doing this on a daily basis and they have no responsibilities.

Would the child maybe like a few hours "downtime" or to finish early (given that this is, in fact, possible) or is that option reserved for dozy adults only?

Why can't he play his games in the evening? I doubt he does much else?

The OP doesnt have a problem with the me time or the gaming (as yes that is fine). She has an issue with him being late - because its rude, it put her in a difficult position with the Nursery staff (who presumably are put out and have to work later.

Anything that means you are late for something that is your responsibility is a problem. The time set is the one that they are paying for.

Grimbles

More parents should be this "selfish". No one gives you a medal for embracing drudgery.
Op it sounds like the choices you and dp have made are working perfectly for you and your dd is a happy soul. All is good here apart from dp's lateness.

Most Men hate looking after there kids

They do? I know it's anecdotal, but most men I know have relished fatherhood. My DP sometimes struggles with our DS but that's because DS is still so young and reliant on me. My DSD is a fantastic dad to me and DBs, preferring to spend time with them (and me when I still lived at home) where possible - he still has hobbies outside of that, but children come first. DPs dad was a single dad to two sons and has done a great job, and my DPs DB is relishing fatherhood in the same way as DP.

Maybe I just surround myself with "good" men.

Absolutely MrsHarrison.

I have no problem whatsoever with your dh wanting some time to himself, as you've said your dd is happy at nursery.

I do have a problem with him not bothering to pick up on time. It's a massive pain in the arse for the nursery workers who very probably won't be getting paid for those extra hours they do after closing time. Does he not think that they might also have things to do and places to go? He sounds very fucking selfish.