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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is DH deliberately leaving DD at Nursery? and why?

671 replies

ThreeDaysAWeek · 22/01/2018 02:26

First post, but long time lurker.

DD (whose 2) goes to Nursery 3 days a week. I drop her off at 7.30am, and get to work for 8amish, then work 8.15am – 4.45pm apart from Friday when I finish at 3.45pm. Nursery closes at 5.30pm so there’s no way on a Tuesday and Wednesday I can get to pick her up in time.

DH works full time but does 7am-2pm, and works a short walk from our home, so is home by 2.15pm every day. On a Tuesday and Wednesday we agreed he’d walk the mile to the Nursery and pick DD up, we pay for her to be in until 5.30pm so I’ve said to DH that as long as he gets her by then he can game/chill out at home for those 2 and half hours he’s got spare. Literally all he needs to do is take care of DD for that walk as I’m usually only a few minutes at most behind him getting through the door usually I get in just before they do.

Last week I had to attend a Staff Meeting after work on Tuesday and there was an accident on the motorway on Wednesday so I got stuck in traffic so was home late both days. I’ve just received an invoice from the Nursery –I deal with all paperwork regarding the Nursery etc so it comes to my email-- asking the payment for “unarranged late pickup” for two days last week; Tuesday and Wednesday (it’s not unusual to receive these things in the middle of the night as the finance manager is also a member of normal nursery staff so works with the children in the day!). According to the invoice on Tuesday she was picked up at 5.45pm, and on Wednesday at 6pm. This is the 3rd time in as many months I’ve received an invoice.

DH won’t tell me what he’s doing to make him late to pick DD up from Nursery and claims the Nursery are being overly fussy about “5 minutes or so”. I know they won’t be as it states in the contract with them they only charge from 15 minutes or more lateness so I know he must be being late to pick her up by that much. So my only conclusion is it must be deliberate.

It’s not a huge amount of money (£5 for every 15 minutes your late so £15 for the entire invoice) and we can afford it but it doesn’t seem fair to be delayed deliberately when DH has the time to pick her up.
DH is definitely not cheating/having an affair, firstly he works in a mostly male environment where the gossip is rife and no-one can even go the toilet without someone knowing and secondly my brother works with him (DH recommended DBro for the job) so my brother would be aware and would most definitely tell me if DH was getting some somewhere else –we’re twins and have always been close, we literally predict when we’re going to text/phone each other, even my mum finds it weird!--. He doesn’t go anywhere and has no hobbies apart from “gaming” (don’t get me started) so there’s definitely no OW.

So AIBU to think DH is deliberately leaving DD in Nursery? And if so what’s he doing?

OP posts:
Frillyhorseyknickers · 23/01/2018 07:47

Gaming is sad but MNetting is just fine?

Choosing either of those things over looking after your own children is pretty shit.

YouTheCat · 23/01/2018 07:50

But he isn't. His child is in nursery and is paid up to 5.30. The only problem I can see is that he needs to make sure he's on time for pick up.

And also, you always get some people on here suggesting that anyone over 21 who games is somehow childish and it's very irritating.

48 years old and still gaming. No scarred-for- life children.

becotide · 23/01/2018 07:51

Monkeymama

No, they're not "really precious times", they are 3 hours in which you will have to be one to one with a strungout 2 year old when you've already paid someone else to look after her.

I don't regret a single moment in which I paid someone else to look after my children when they were toddlers. I don't look back on their toddler years with misty eyes - they were brutally hard work and very unrewarding.

OP, tell him if he can't get her at proper pick up time, he will have to get her on his way home. He will never be late again if those are the stakes.

MrsSchadenfreude · 23/01/2018 07:59

Hmm. Mine kept picking our two up late from the after school club and said “they didn’t mind.” It got to the point where he was picking them up 15-30 minutes late every day, despite my saying he was being inconsiderate. According to him, they were ”fine with it” because they didn’t say anything. What he hadn’t done was read their fairly harsh late collection charges. He became pretty prompt when we received a bill for late charges for nearly £500. (I told him he had to pay this - it wasn’t to come out of the joint account, so it hit him hard in the wallet.)

Majuna · 23/01/2018 08:06

Choosing either of those things over looking after your own children is pretty shit

Exactly.

Frillyhorseyknickers · 23/01/2018 08:08

YouTheCat

The choice is either to pick DD up when you finish work or leave her there as long as possible - I’m not the only person who would choose to spend extra time with my children given the chance.

As far as adult gaming goes, I suppose those of us with active sporting hobbies tend to look at “gaming” as slovenly and really quite a lazy hobby. I’d describe it akin to watching television and I would never describe watching Corrie as a conducive use of my time, where as riding my horses or running would be. I still wouldn’t pick them over spending more time with my children though.

Slarti · 23/01/2018 08:15

Gaming is sad but MNetting is just fine?

MNetting is adults engaging in discussion with other adults about adult issues. Gaming is adults engaging in children's activities with strangers' children.

Dungeondragon15 · 23/01/2018 08:16

People are never going to agree on threads like this as those with similar attitudes to OP's DH are always going to be defensive. Nobody thinks parents should not have any time to themselves but surely there are limits. OP's DH is free every afternoon from 2.15 to 5.30 so it is a shame for their DD that he doesn't spend at least some of that time with his DD rather leaving her for what is a long day in nursery.

Someone I know always left her DD in nursery on her days off as she had paid anyway (her work hours were irregular). I thought that was quite sad for her DD, not because nursery is some terrible place but because her mother was actively choosing not to spend time with her when she could have.

OnionKnight · 23/01/2018 08:18

Gaming is adults engaging in children's activities with strangers' children.

No it fucking isn't.

Grimbles · 23/01/2018 08:20

Gaming is adults engaging in children's activities with strangers' children.

Yeah, you are trying too hard on the goady fucker front now...

Slarti · 23/01/2018 08:20

No it fucking isn't

I played on games consoles from being a preteen throughout my teen years. I'd class that as a children's activity. If you carried on playing with dolls into your 30s I'd have the same reaction.

Slarti · 23/01/2018 08:23

Yeah, you are trying too hard on the goady fucker front now...

Just pointing out that there is a massive distinction between playing on games and debating on MN. It's a weird comparison to make.

Grimbles · 23/01/2018 08:25

Nope, you are being a goady fucker and making snide insinuations to boot. Why the need to mention strangers children? You are so transparent.

OnionKnight · 23/01/2018 08:25

I played on games consoles from being a preteen throughout my teen years. I'd class that as a children's activity. If you carried on playing with dolls into your 30s I'd have the same reaction.

A child cannot do what I and my team mates do, a child can not afford to use what and I and my team mates use. Not every game or piece of hardware is aimed at children, do you understand that?

The gaming demographic has changed, children are no longer the biggest participants.

"Women over 18 made up a whopping 36 percent of the gaming population, followed by adult men at 35 percent. Teenage boys, who are often stereotyped as the biggest gamers, now lag far behind their older female counterparts, making up just 17 percent of the gaming demographic."

Originalfoogirl · 23/01/2018 08:27

I think that is an entirely different situation. Many school age children would prefer to spend time with their friends
And many toddlers would feel the same. Being with parents doesn’t automatically trump everything else in the world of a toddler, much as many would like us to believe.

Far too much judgement on here for anyone not willing to have their child glued to them every spare minute. It’s fucking ridiculous.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 23/01/2018 08:33

Gaming is adults engaging in children's activities with strangers' children.

Why would there be 18+ rated games then? Kids playing adult games is a problem but it's the kids parents rather than adults who are the problem.

I don't think that the OP's h has to dash to his daughter as soon as work finishes but he has an extraordinary amount of relaxation time for a parent of a young child and only works part-time anyway. I think he shouldn't be leaving her in nursery past closing so often. It's not long until he'll be begging her to spend time with him so he needs to stop being so selfish.

Slarti · 23/01/2018 08:37

Why the need to mention strangers children?

Because on MN (the thing being compared with gaming) I'm discussing things with other adults. There's a huge defensive attitude that gaming isn't in any way juvenile or childish, yet it is a past time that children take up!

Frillyhorseyknickers · 23/01/2018 08:41

A child cannot do what I and my team mates do, a child can not afford to use what and I and my team mates use

You’re making yourself look like a right plonker. Go for a walk, get outside, grow up? Team mates 😂

longta · 23/01/2018 08:41

Your DH needs to be on time or a bit early. Can't see any other problem really.

HuskyMcClusky · 23/01/2018 08:42

Oh for God’s sake.

Gaming is childish. I don’t care what anyone else thinks or does, that’s my opinion. Why are gamers so defensive?? 🤔

Elocutioner · 23/01/2018 08:43

Well this thread has descended into childish insults.

So that's nice.

Slarti · 23/01/2018 08:44

A child cannot do what I and my team mates do, a child can not afford to use what and I and my team mates use.

And this is an argument against gamers being sad?

Dungeondragon15 · 23/01/2018 08:46

And many toddlers would feel the same. Being with parents doesn’t automatically trump everything else in the world of a toddler, much as many would like us to believe.

Obviously toddlers enjoy socialising with other children but at that age they most still really like one to one attention from parents. Obviously if the parent doesn't interact much, they may prefer nursery though, It's hard to know which comes first really...

abilockhart · 23/01/2018 08:48

Sorry but my mind boggles you’d leave a 2 year old in nursery from 7.30 until 6 so you can play computer games.

Same here.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 23/01/2018 08:48

Adult games are no different from watching a movie.
The only pathetic bit is the husband prioritising gaming over picking up his daughter. 2 hours a day while dd is awake is excessive.

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