Is DH deliberately leaving DD at Nursery? and why?

[ThreeDaysAWeek]

First post, but long time lurker.

DD (whose 2) goes to Nursery 3 days a week. I drop her off at 7.30am, and get to work for 8amish, then work 8.15am – 4.45pm apart from Friday when I finish at 3.45pm. Nursery closes at 5.30pm so there’s no way on a Tuesday and Wednesday I can get to pick her up in time.

DH works full time but does 7am-2pm, and works a short walk from our home, so is home by 2.15pm every day. On a Tuesday and Wednesday we agreed he’d walk the mile to the Nursery and pick DD up, we pay for her to be in until 5.30pm so I’ve said to DH that as long as he gets her by then he can game/chill out at home for those 2 and half hours he’s got spare. Literally all he needs to do is take care of DD for that walk as I’m usually only a few minutes at most behind him getting through the door usually I get in just before they do.

Last week I had to attend a Staff Meeting after work on Tuesday and there was an accident on the motorway on Wednesday so I got stuck in traffic so was home late both days. I’ve just received an invoice from the Nursery –I deal with all paperwork regarding the Nursery etc so it comes to my email-- asking the payment for “unarranged late pickup” for two days last week; Tuesday and Wednesday (it’s not unusual to receive these things in the middle of the night as the finance manager is also a member of normal nursery staff so works with the children in the day!). According to the invoice on Tuesday she was picked up at 5.45pm, and on Wednesday at 6pm. This is the 3rd time in as many months I’ve received an invoice.

DH won’t tell me what he’s doing to make him late to pick DD up from Nursery and claims the Nursery are being overly fussy about “5 minutes or so”. I know they won’t be as it states in the contract with them they only charge from 15 minutes or more lateness so I know he must be being late to pick her up by that much. So my only conclusion is it must be deliberate.

It’s not a huge amount of money (£5 for every 15 minutes your late so £15 for the entire invoice) and we can afford it but it doesn’t seem fair to be delayed deliberately when DH has the time to pick her up.
DH is definitely not cheating/having an affair, firstly he works in a mostly male environment where the gossip is rife and no-one can even go the toilet without someone knowing and secondly my brother works with him (DH recommended DBro for the job) so my brother would be aware and would most definitely tell me if DH was getting some somewhere else –we’re twins and have always been close, we literally predict when we’re going to text/phone each other, even my mum finds it weird!--. He doesn’t go anywhere and has no hobbies apart from “gaming” (don’t get me started) so there’s definitely no OW.

So AIBU to think DH is deliberately leaving DD in Nursery? And if so what’s he doing?

Your answer is computer gamers. It's notable amongst my exh's friends that most are now NRP's as their partners got truly fucked off with the priority being games before everything.

I can't fathom how anyone could leave a child at nursery when they are at home? The money is irrelevant, poor little mite.

I wouldn’t care if my husband was gaming or playing snapdragon, I would expect him to bloody turn up on time to collect our small child though. Being late because you’re at work and there’s unexpected traffic is part and parcel of life. I’m afraid that I would judge someone who got so wrapped up in their hobby - any hobby - that they were late. It’s disrespectful to the nursery staff too.

I'm not saying it's ALL gamers, but it is a hobby best suited to people with hours and hours of free time. It is addictive and people are treated for it. Not everyone who drinks is an alchoholic.

Your answer is computer gamers

Your answer is people who aren't able to prioritise responsibility before hobbies. That isn't the sole bastion of gamers.

Jane, people can have their children in nursery whenever they want. This hand-wringing about 'poor little mites', apart from being offensive, is just distracting from the real issue: that the OP's DH is failing to pick up HIS daughter when he's supposed to; and lying/weaseling to the OP about it.

He "Helped me choose a nursery!" That's as much his responsibility as yours anyway.

How to tackle it:

Call a family meeting and bring biscuits. Discuss how the routine is going for him. How it's going for your daughter. How it is going for you.

Tell him that you feel it is unacceptable to pick up your daughter late from nursery. What solutions can he suggest?

Does he think it might be better if he had her home around 3pm so she gets more one-to-one daddy time? (Don't worry about the waste of money, see it as the price of reserving a place at nursery for her)

Helped me choose a nursery!

Phrase says a lot.... OP, don’t you see it should be “we chose a nursery”. Why is this your job that he graciously deigns to help with, and presumably expect huge credit for!

I'm sorry Maybe I am wrong in saying this but your little girl is in nursery a lot (which is fine you are a working mum and she loves it) but then you have 'me time' on a saturday morning ... You spend one day a week with your little girl. I think both you and dh need to prioritise a bit more not to say you can't have you time and he cant play games but just seems sad to me your little girl isnt home much at all. Hope it all works out OP.

It also sounds like he’s addicted to gaming if he spends so long on it, and can’t drag himself away to pick up his daughter on time.

Oh I just knew the judgey pants would come out here.

Our girl is older but in after school club rather than nursery. We pay for it whether she is there or not, no matter what time she is picked up. Mr Foo does the same hours and is home around 3.30. On the few occasions he has tried to pick her up before 5pm, she whinges and moans at him because she enjoys it so much. So, he goes home, has a nap, relaxes, whatever. Then picks her up just before he needs to start making dinner. She isn't "missing vital daddy/daughter time" she is playing with friends, doing the stuff she enjoys. Both of them get to blow off steam at the end of their busy days then have fun cooking and eating dinner. I get in later and am thrown straight in to "mum" mode. It would be great i I could decompress for an hour or two before hand so I don't begrudge him that.

You are definitely not being unreasonable about him being late to pick her up. Point out to him that they are not being picky about five minutes but if he thinks they are, tell him to talk to them about it and stop them sending you invoices, or he will have to make sure he is there earlier. He can't just pretend it isn't a problem.

*Alicely op works 3 days. So picks her up early on one of her days. So she gets 2 full days in the week and all weekend bar 2 hours child sees her Granny. Hardly never seen is she

Ok - I can see this has gone to over 350 posts and I'm writing this having read the first 100 so apologies if this point has been picked on before now.

OP you mentioned in one of your posts " don't mind her being in Nursery until 5.30, we've paid for it, she loves it and I trust the staff would tell me if they felt she needed picking up earlier. It's honestly not about him needing to spend time with her."

How about it being about her needing/wanting/liking to spend time with her daddy? She isn't being given this as an option as your DH sees it as his right to be more interactive with a Playstation than with his own living breathing daughter. This is the bit I found quite sad in the first instance.

I'm going to read the next bundle of posts on this but in answer to your question, yes, I do think your DH is deliberately leaving your DD at Nursery and the answer to the why part is because he is not valuing the time he has with her in any way shape or form or respecting the staff that work in the nursery either!

Our girl is older but in after school club rather than nursery. We pay for it whether she is there or not, no matter what time she is picked up. Mr Foo does the same hours and is home around 3.30. On the few occasions he has tried to pick her up before 5pm, she whinges and moans at him because she enjoys it so much.

I think that is an entirely different situation. Many school age children would prefer to spend time with their friends vs. parents and being at school until 5.30 is not necessarily a long day for them (depending on the child). Your DD has made it clear that this is her preference.
OP's DD is not at nursery for longer because she has requested it but because her OP's DH wants a rest or to play and they want to get their money's worth.

Is there a limit to how many times they will fine before giving notice?

My children’s nursery has recently changed the rules, as I think they’re at their wits ends with late pick ups so now, unless public transport has been completely shut down due to terrorism (or something equally as dramatic) then if your child is picked up past 6pm you’ll be receiving notice.

If your husband insists on having some gaming time after work, I don’t think it’s unreasonable but perhaps he could aim to collect her at 4pm instead of 5:30 so that he’s at least on time.

I can't fathom how anyone could leave a child at nursery when they are at home? The money is irrelevant, poor little mite.

I know it's so awful isn't it - all those toys, books, games, friends, outdoor space, messy play, food....

Dear god. 🙄

people can have their children in nursery whenever they want. This hand-wringing about 'poor little mites', apart from being offensive, is just distracting from the real issue

Is it offensive, or just an uncomfortable truth? Having not seen her all day (possibly even since the evening before) the DH spends the afternoon playing games rather than picking his DD up, instead leaving her at nursery for 10+ hours before collecting her shortly before she's due to go to bed. "Poor mite" indeed!

If a person's "me time" is so important that they cannot wait until their children go to bed to play computer games then I can't help wondering if they are mature enough to have kids in the first place. Surely as a parent you do your hobbies around your kids, not have your kids around your hobbies.

Well, she is two. Not really an age where most children prefer 10 hours of other children & games over being with a parent.

(That was in reply to Pecan)

Well, she is two. Not really an age where most children prefer 10 hours of other children & games over being with a parent.

Really? You clearly haven't met my two year old.

He absolutely adores nursery. He doesn't keep still for twenty seconds and we live in a tiny flat with no garden and I can't drive. I run rings round myself trying to keep him entertained on my days off.

I have a job trying to persuade him to get into the buggy to come home at pick up!

Surely as a parent you do your hobbies around your kids, not have your kids around your hobbies.

I don't think it's all of one or the other tbh.

I don't think that kids should just slot seamlessly into their parents' lives.

I equally don't think that parents should have to completely revamp every aspect of their lives because they have children.

I do, having grown up with a mother who did NOT prioritise herself, think that it is extremely important that parents prioritise their mental health and keep their own lives and hobbies to whatever degree is possible and still compatible with family life.

I think the OP's DH is being an idiot here but do I, in principle, think there is anything wrong with parents having their DC in nursery when they don't "need" to? No, I don't.

Lateness aside, it’s all about balance... everyone needs some down time and shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for not spending every possible moment playing with their children, but in this case the OP’s DH is massively prioritising his gaming over his DD.... and even his DW, as presumably she has to do a whole load more in the evenings to make up for what’s not done in the day but this excessive hobbying.

Is it offensive, or just an uncomfortable truth?

Slarti, it's just offensive in this context. The OP is clear that she's fine with her DD being in nursery until the time they had planned for her to be picked up; the issue is with the DH being late to pick her up, and lying and obfuscating to his wife about it.

Hand-wringing about the general principle of leaving a child at nursery when they are at home is missing this point. And it's judgemental.

why would you not want to collect a 2 year old who has been at nursery since 7.30am at say 2.30pm or 3pm

Yes, that is really odd. Choosing "gaming" over time with his daughter is pathetic. He sounds about 14.