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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is DH deliberately leaving DD at Nursery? and why?

671 replies

ThreeDaysAWeek · 22/01/2018 02:26

First post, but long time lurker.

DD (whose 2) goes to Nursery 3 days a week. I drop her off at 7.30am, and get to work for 8amish, then work 8.15am – 4.45pm apart from Friday when I finish at 3.45pm. Nursery closes at 5.30pm so there’s no way on a Tuesday and Wednesday I can get to pick her up in time.

DH works full time but does 7am-2pm, and works a short walk from our home, so is home by 2.15pm every day. On a Tuesday and Wednesday we agreed he’d walk the mile to the Nursery and pick DD up, we pay for her to be in until 5.30pm so I’ve said to DH that as long as he gets her by then he can game/chill out at home for those 2 and half hours he’s got spare. Literally all he needs to do is take care of DD for that walk as I’m usually only a few minutes at most behind him getting through the door usually I get in just before they do.

Last week I had to attend a Staff Meeting after work on Tuesday and there was an accident on the motorway on Wednesday so I got stuck in traffic so was home late both days. I’ve just received an invoice from the Nursery –I deal with all paperwork regarding the Nursery etc so it comes to my email-- asking the payment for “unarranged late pickup” for two days last week; Tuesday and Wednesday (it’s not unusual to receive these things in the middle of the night as the finance manager is also a member of normal nursery staff so works with the children in the day!). According to the invoice on Tuesday she was picked up at 5.45pm, and on Wednesday at 6pm. This is the 3rd time in as many months I’ve received an invoice.

DH won’t tell me what he’s doing to make him late to pick DD up from Nursery and claims the Nursery are being overly fussy about “5 minutes or so”. I know they won’t be as it states in the contract with them they only charge from 15 minutes or more lateness so I know he must be being late to pick her up by that much. So my only conclusion is it must be deliberate.

It’s not a huge amount of money (£5 for every 15 minutes your late so £15 for the entire invoice) and we can afford it but it doesn’t seem fair to be delayed deliberately when DH has the time to pick her up.
DH is definitely not cheating/having an affair, firstly he works in a mostly male environment where the gossip is rife and no-one can even go the toilet without someone knowing and secondly my brother works with him (DH recommended DBro for the job) so my brother would be aware and would most definitely tell me if DH was getting some somewhere else –we’re twins and have always been close, we literally predict when we’re going to text/phone each other, even my mum finds it weird!--. He doesn’t go anywhere and has no hobbies apart from “gaming” (don’t get me started) so there’s definitely no OW.

So AIBU to think DH is deliberately leaving DD in Nursery? And if so what’s he doing?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 22/01/2018 11:32

Glad to hear she's doing better now and hopefully nursery will do the trick

Celebelly · 22/01/2018 11:34

Oh I completely agree that it shouldn't get in the way of normal life, just like any hobby.

But the comments on this thread go beyond that and are offensive to people who enjoy gaming as a hobby. Comments such as referring to men who game as 15 year old boys, talking about how childish gaming is. It's incredibly rude and judgemental.

JacquesHammer · 22/01/2018 11:35

This thread is utterly baffling.

Gaming isn't the problem here, it's the time management. He needs to get a grip and get to nursery on time.

If someone posted "I finish work early, AIBU to head home and read for a couple of hours as downtime" everybody would be falling over themselves to say no, that's fine, "me time" is important.

What isn't ok is when that me time spills over into family life; whatever the hobby that causes it.

The bile that is spewed at adult gamers (by people faffing about on a forum Grin) is grim.

DiegoMadonna · 22/01/2018 11:43

If someone posted "I finish work early, AIBU to head home and read for a couple of hours as downtime" everybody would be falling over themselves to say no, that's fine, "me time" is important.

If it was two hours twice a week on the exact two days that you have a chance to pick up your child a couple of hours early from nursery after she's been there since 7.30 a.m. (i.e. this exact situation), my response would be exactly the same. It's not on. Read when she's gone to bed, ffs.

DiegoMadonna · 22/01/2018 11:43

forgot to bold the quote in my above post, sorry

NataliaOsipova · 22/01/2018 11:43

But the comments on this thread go beyond that and are offensive to people who enjoy gaming as a hobby. Comments such as referring to men who game as 15 year old boys, talking about how childish gaming is. It's incredibly rude and judgemental.

It's a perfectly valid opinion. I really like the opera; equally, if you find it dull as ditch water and think it's only for pensioners, then that's an entirely valid point of view as well. But if I were late to pick up my children because I was watching DVDs of Placido Domingo every day, then I'd be just as valid a target of criticism.

Queeniebed · 22/01/2018 11:45

Take the essential leads to work with you

Queeniebed · 22/01/2018 11:46

As a gamer I have no problem with gaming but it shouldn't interfere with life and I would be livid and embarrassed if this was my family and nursery

QuackPorridgeBacon · 22/01/2018 11:48

NataliaOsipova I wouldn’t be late, no. However, the twice a week that I get free from both children simultaneously I will do some odd jobs around the house and will also, everytime, watch some shows or sit on mumsnet. It’s my free time, I like to do something I enjoy. I can’t afford experiences out and I don’t have any friends to socialise with. So, I spend time on mumsnet it watching box sets or playing games on my laptop.

JacquesHammer · 22/01/2018 11:50

It's a perfectly valid opinion. I really like the opera; equally, if you find it dull as ditch water and think it's only for pensioners, then that's an entirely valid point of view as well. But if I were late to pick up my children because I was watching DVDs of Placido Domingo every day, then I'd be just as valid a target of criticism

Indeed. But why does criticism of gamers get so personal. Not liking gaming is the valid opinion, some of the comments on this thread are not fair. (Neither would saying "opera is for pensioners".

What happened to people just saying "it isn't for me"

LagunaBubbles · 22/01/2018 11:52

But if I were late to pick up my children because I was watching DVDs of Placido Domingo every day, then I'd be just as valid a target of criticism

Absolutely, totally agree with you. But I would doubt anyone would slate Placido himself, like some having gaming here. Theres such a snobby attitude to it amongst some posters.

Quartz2208 · 22/01/2018 11:54

But the me time isnt the issue - he presumably gets home early all week and the other days the OP covers him.

Its that he cant even get to the Nursery on time and wont tell her why

QuackPorridgeBacon · 22/01/2018 11:54

SleepingStandingUp I agree, having the choice taken would be so much easier. We were given the juice and I thought no, I can’t add one more scar or one more surgery for nothing really. I reckon getting rid of her ng would help with feeding but, she likes to lay on her tummy so it would affect her crawling and sleeping. She is very energetic and loves rolling around the floor so I couldn’t do it to her. She will need the ng for a while longer but is showing interest in food (won’t touch liquids though) and likes to lick her medicine syringes so they should go down ok lol

I’m just terrified of giving her certain foods etc becaus eim terrified of her choking. I’m probably the reason she hasn’t come on much quicker... it’s just so terrifying. Eat my elder child was chomping on toast etc before the age of one. The joys of having a tube fed child lol

VimFuego101 · 22/01/2018 11:59

I can't wrap my head around the fact that a supposedly responsible adult with a small child feels the need to sit and play games for 3 hours whilst leaving their child in daycare. I feel sorry for your DD being the last child there, wondering where her dad is, and for the staff who have to forgo their own lives to wait for him. Not bashing working parents at all (I am one and DS started at nursery when he was tiny) but do you get 3 hours of downtime and is he pulling his weight around the house?

Slarti · 22/01/2018 11:59

I think one of the distinctive characteristics of gaming is that it is a direct continuation of the same "playtime" they've been having since childhood. To non gamers it looks a lot like not growing up.

JacquesHammer · 22/01/2018 12:02

To non gamers it looks a lot like not growing up

Or maybe non gamers could accept that most of the time gamers are exactly the same adults as they are who enjoy their hobby and it doesn't impact on family time much like any other hobby?

The minority who take gaming to the nth degree would most likely have the same addictive personality with other hobbies too!

FitBitFanClub · 22/01/2018 12:03

This bloke is having 5 lots of (presumably) 3 hours of gaming each week in the afternoons, and then claims to be so exhausted after a week's "work" that he has to have a lie-in on a Saturday. When's your lie-in and downtime, OP?

As for keeping the Nursery staff waiting in order to accommodate his hobby (not to mention dismissing their inconvenience as them being "overly fussy")... that's disgraceful and he's a selfish knob, sorry.

Desmondo2016 · 22/01/2018 12:04

Regardless of the pick up issue i couldn't parent with a partner who prioritised gaming during the afternoon twice a week when he could be enjoying time with our child.

MichaelBendfaster · 22/01/2018 12:05

DH won’t tell me what he’s doing to make him late to pick DD up from Nursery and claims the Nursery are being overly fussy about “5 minutes or so”.

This is the main problem IMO. He's evading, maybe flat out lying. Does he have no respect for you? Does he think you're stupid?

Also, the mopping and other housework, he doesn't do it 'for you'; it's his house and his mess as much as yours.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 22/01/2018 12:06

You are presuming wrong I’d imagine. Also, the Op said she gets a half of a Saturday completely to herself and her child’s father also helps around the house and does his share and on Sunday they either relax together or the father takes the child out alone for some one on one time. Some people need more down time than others and if the Op is happy with the set up why should others feel annoyed for her? I’m not saying the father does, but I have mental health and seem to need more alone time due to it and my partner lets me have this. I squally come on mumsnet. Not everyone’s life is balanced exactly the same way. The Op is fine with how things are so why are people still banging on about how unfair it is?

1ndig0 · 22/01/2018 12:06

I wouldn't even let my kids play video games for 3 hours every afternoon, let alone my DH! My teen son gets into school for 7 ish most mornings (rowing) - if he could come home for 2pm and play games for 3 hours he would think he was living the life of Riley!

This man is a joke. If the little girl is only 2, presumably she's in bed by 7 ish anyway. Why can't he play his games then?

Slarti · 22/01/2018 12:07

Jaques I'm just suggesting a possible reason for the snobbery towards gaming. To someone on the outside looking in there is a lot of similarity between adult gamers and teenagers.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 22/01/2018 12:10

Playing games is actually really good mentally and co-ordination wise. I read that somewhere, so it may not be true lol

My brother has ADHD and playing games gave him a focus and was safe, he also has good hand, eye coordination which apparently is good for being a surgeon. I read that some surgeons play games as it helps with stability in their hands. Again I read this somewhere and it may not be 100% factual.

Kintan · 22/01/2018 12:23

The bit I don’t get op is that you said you keep your daughter in nursery for the maximum possible time as you can’t bear to be ‘wasting’ £40, yet you are so blasé about having to pay the late fees. Agree with everyone else who says why are you enabling this sub par parenting from your husband?

helenoftroyville · 22/01/2018 12:26

Unfortunately OP, you are co-parenting with a man child who displays poor parenting.

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