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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH deliberately leaving DD at Nursery? and why?

671 replies

ThreeDaysAWeek · 22/01/2018 02:26

First post, but long time lurker.

DD (whose 2) goes to Nursery 3 days a week. I drop her off at 7.30am, and get to work for 8amish, then work 8.15am – 4.45pm apart from Friday when I finish at 3.45pm. Nursery closes at 5.30pm so there’s no way on a Tuesday and Wednesday I can get to pick her up in time.

DH works full time but does 7am-2pm, and works a short walk from our home, so is home by 2.15pm every day. On a Tuesday and Wednesday we agreed he’d walk the mile to the Nursery and pick DD up, we pay for her to be in until 5.30pm so I’ve said to DH that as long as he gets her by then he can game/chill out at home for those 2 and half hours he’s got spare. Literally all he needs to do is take care of DD for that walk as I’m usually only a few minutes at most behind him getting through the door usually I get in just before they do.

Last week I had to attend a Staff Meeting after work on Tuesday and there was an accident on the motorway on Wednesday so I got stuck in traffic so was home late both days. I’ve just received an invoice from the Nursery –I deal with all paperwork regarding the Nursery etc so it comes to my email-- asking the payment for “unarranged late pickup” for two days last week; Tuesday and Wednesday (it’s not unusual to receive these things in the middle of the night as the finance manager is also a member of normal nursery staff so works with the children in the day!). According to the invoice on Tuesday she was picked up at 5.45pm, and on Wednesday at 6pm. This is the 3rd time in as many months I’ve received an invoice.

DH won’t tell me what he’s doing to make him late to pick DD up from Nursery and claims the Nursery are being overly fussy about “5 minutes or so”. I know they won’t be as it states in the contract with them they only charge from 15 minutes or more lateness so I know he must be being late to pick her up by that much. So my only conclusion is it must be deliberate.

It’s not a huge amount of money (£5 for every 15 minutes your late so £15 for the entire invoice) and we can afford it but it doesn’t seem fair to be delayed deliberately when DH has the time to pick her up.
DH is definitely not cheating/having an affair, firstly he works in a mostly male environment where the gossip is rife and no-one can even go the toilet without someone knowing and secondly my brother works with him (DH recommended DBro for the job) so my brother would be aware and would most definitely tell me if DH was getting some somewhere else –we’re twins and have always been close, we literally predict when we’re going to text/phone each other, even my mum finds it weird!--. He doesn’t go anywhere and has no hobbies apart from “gaming” (don’t get me started) so there’s definitely no OW.

So AIBU to think DH is deliberately leaving DD in Nursery? And if so what’s he doing?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 22/01/2018 10:39

Can't wait for those sex robots to come out....

Heh aye if you have a spare 11 grand. 11 grand!!!! And it can’t make you a cup of tea and bacon sarnie afterwards HmmGrin

NataliaOsipova · 22/01/2018 10:41

It's a couple of hours on a console while she is safe and happy at nursery.

As a one off? I agree. A couple of hours, three days a week, week in week out? That's something rather different.

DiegoMadonna · 22/01/2018 10:46

I used to play videogames quite a lot, then I had a kid and now have a lot less time for it. I chose to have a baby and I want to spend time with him and play with him etc. It's much more important and rewarding than a computer game. I think leaving your baby in childcare (even if you've already paid for it) while you play Playstation is weird and I would never do it.

Fair enough take an hour after work to shower/have a cup of tea/clean the kitchen/etc., but playing games for hours when you could be spending time with your child (time you won't get back) is strange behaviour, in my opinion.

DiegoMadonna · 22/01/2018 10:49

And the fact that its gaming is irrelevant. I wouldn't spend hours every week on any lone hobby if my child was there waiting to be picked up. Some alone time is good, but 3 hours (or more because he's always late) twice a week is showing misplaced priorities, whether he's playing playstation, watching films, knitting a jumper or whatever.

BikeRunSki · 22/01/2018 10:49

To me, the issue is not what the OH is doing in the afternoons (and I suspect many responses would be different if he were training for a marathon) , but that, despite having a good chunk of time to himself, he is still not picking his dd up before the Nursery closes. It’s nit just the unnecessary late fees, it’s tge abuse of the nusery staff’s personal time and goodwill.

LagunaBubbles · 22/01/2018 10:50

Can’t believe some of you nasty twats would damage someone else’s property... craziness

Exactly. Would love to see these peoples repsonses if a woman posted that her DH had smashed up her tablet etc because he deemed she spent too much time on MN. But yet again for some people here there is an acceptable hierarchy of hobbies. Nothing is wrong with a grown adult choosing to spend their free time doing what they want, the problem is when it impacts on other parts of their lives, like here for the Op but it is not gaming that is the problem.

rocketgirl22 · 22/01/2018 10:51

Op he is your second child, abeit an oversized one.

He is NOT a good or responsible father.

Do not have anymore dc with this man whatever you do.

He needs to grow up, it is pathetic tbh and I have no idea why the hell you are putting up with it.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 22/01/2018 10:51

The child is at nursery three days a week. He collects her twice a week. The days that she isn’t here he is obviously home after work and I assume interacting. The Op gets half a Saturday alone and uses the other half to take their daughter somewhere or chill out with her on Sunday either they spend the day together or the dad takes the child out. The dad also does jobs around the house on those two days and in general on the other days. Can someone please tell me how he is a lazy, useless father? I’m failing to see it actually.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/01/2018 10:51

QuackPorridgeBacon suddenly everyone is squeamish because the plastic tube is sprouting from his stomach not his nose. Really sucks you don't get free childcare, we'll get 30 next year as DH works and my carers counts but our school only offers half day so he'll stay on 15. Trying to start using respite and trust them.

Op's DH on the other hand works 35 hours, has around 15 hours free in the week plus a Saturday morning. He seems to have very little inclination to spend time with his 2 yo unless her mom is there to look after her

StormTreader · 22/01/2018 10:52

People on MN get absolutely hysterical whenever "gaming" is mentioned, however watching tv or reading or walking or literally any other nice hobby you do for an hour or two is perfectly fine and isnt a sign of moral degeneracy.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/01/2018 10:53

He picks her up twice, op picks her up when she finishes once and the other two days op is usually out with her when he gets home. Not saying he is useless but he is barely seeing her despite having opportunity to do so

QuackPorridgeBacon · 22/01/2018 10:54

LagunaBubbles Exactly. I’ve soemtimes sat and come some colouring in or spend a good bit of time on mumsnet while the kids are away at nursery. I must be a totally shit mother then and shouldn’t be wanting the third that I am. Such an irresponsible mother that I am. I’ll tell my partner not to play on his console tomorrow while the kids are away either. We are never late though so maybe we can be redeemed somehow.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 22/01/2018 10:58

I know what you mean. My mum was supposed to be eating trained up for ng feeds, to gives a nice full nights sleep. No chance of that because she keeps forgetting to come round or plans nights out and cannot do it. I’ve given up even asking now so we just crack on with it. I stupidly want another child though lol

We were going to go for a peg but backed out as it seems a bit more scary but also slightly unnecessary for our child’s needs. It’s bloody amazing for those who would benefit from it and I’m in awe of parents who’d eal with it. Things are getting easier with our little one though and in a few years she shouldn’t need the ng tube etc hopefully things get easier with your wee one.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 22/01/2018 10:58

That was for SleepingStandingUp.

DiegoMadonna · 22/01/2018 11:06

I would castigate him for reading/watching TV all afternoon just as much as I would for playing playstation.

I work full time and while I appreciate we all need downtime, I also know how important it is to spend time with my children when I can! It's not like he can't read/play playstation/watch TV in the evening anyway – most young kids go to bed hours before their parents.

Sunisshining12 · 22/01/2018 11:08

Gaming? Are you for real? He spends the afternoon gaming???

Sorry I'm in shock.

NataliaOsipova · 22/01/2018 11:08

I’ve soemtimes sat and come some colouring in or spend a good bit of time on mumsnet while the kids are away at nursery. I must be a totally shit mother then

No. Of course not. But the key is in the second word there - you've done that sometimes. On the odd occasion. Once or twice when you're in need of a bit of downtime. Would you sit and do colouring for three hours a day, three times a week, every week while your kids were at nursery? And then be late to pick them up?

Slarti · 22/01/2018 11:13

I really don't understand why he can't just wait until she's in bed to have his "me time". At 2 years old I would imagine she's in bed by 7pm at the latest. Not great on the day he picked her up at 6pm!

Celebelly · 22/01/2018 11:21

Not going to comment on the late pick-up, but the snobbery on this thread about gaming is astounding. Pathetic man-child? Sitting in pants in darkened room?

I and my OH both game, sometimes together, sometimes separately, and neither of us are pathetic or immature. There is some sort of irony to be found, I think, with people spitting vitriol on an internet discussion forum about people they don't know. That seems to be to be a rather pathetic hobby to me Wink

Everyone is entitled to their own hobbies. Would he be a pathetic man-child if he was a bookworm and got engrossed in those? Or if he was a keen runner? I doubt it.

Quite astounded by some of the judgemental unpleasantness here about a hobby enjoyed responsibly by plenty of people.

thethoughtfox · 22/01/2018 11:26

OP, it's wonderful that your dd's nursery is so good ( it sounds amazing) and that she is happy and settled there which is a sign of a content , well attached child. But don't fool yourself that she is happier and better off there than with her parents. 7:30-5:30 is a very long time away from home for a 2 year old who doesn't need to be there quite so long.

Celebelly · 22/01/2018 11:29

I also have to laugh at everyone who can tell he is a shit father/husband/human being from a handful of posts on the internet about him being late twice to pick up his daughter. Those are some quite impressive powers you all have, there... Confused

peachgreen · 22/01/2018 11:30

@Celebelly I game, as does my DH, and really enjoy it.

I still think this guy is a manchild because a) he can't even pick up how child on time and b) he seemingly refuses / doesn't want to spend any time one on one with his child.

I don't understand why gamers are defending this guy. It doesn't matter what his hobby is - prioritising it over his daughter when he already gets plenty of time to enjoy it during the week is not on.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/01/2018 11:31

QuackPorridgeBacon he needed surgery at 15 months and surgeon was like so I'm popping this in whilst here yes? It took away the decision which i'm grateful for. I believe the feel of the tube was affecting his feeding and certainly no way would it be resolved quickly anyway so knowing he would need feeding support into nursery school / infant starting I wanted one less thing to be obvious for him. He already has o2 tubes in his face, felt getting rid of the ng would be one less obstacle and would hopefully bring on eating and speech. Its such a personal decision though. We were always told its ok to overnight feed in NG but I know some areas say no so that sways the argument too for some

Haffiana · 22/01/2018 11:31

OP is DH actually DD's father?

I am wondering why you would allow the other parent of your child to do so much less for her?

Dungeondragon15 · 22/01/2018 11:31

I think most parents would avoid consistently doing this unless really necessary e.g. because of work or illness

So not most parents then?

Yes, most parents. Hmm