Is DH deliberately leaving DD at Nursery? and why?

[ThreeDaysAWeek]

First post, but long time lurker.

DD (whose 2) goes to Nursery 3 days a week. I drop her off at 7.30am, and get to work for 8amish, then work 8.15am – 4.45pm apart from Friday when I finish at 3.45pm. Nursery closes at 5.30pm so there’s no way on a Tuesday and Wednesday I can get to pick her up in time.

DH works full time but does 7am-2pm, and works a short walk from our home, so is home by 2.15pm every day. On a Tuesday and Wednesday we agreed he’d walk the mile to the Nursery and pick DD up, we pay for her to be in until 5.30pm so I’ve said to DH that as long as he gets her by then he can game/chill out at home for those 2 and half hours he’s got spare. Literally all he needs to do is take care of DD for that walk as I’m usually only a few minutes at most behind him getting through the door usually I get in just before they do.

Last week I had to attend a Staff Meeting after work on Tuesday and there was an accident on the motorway on Wednesday so I got stuck in traffic so was home late both days. I’ve just received an invoice from the Nursery –I deal with all paperwork regarding the Nursery etc so it comes to my email-- asking the payment for “unarranged late pickup” for two days last week; Tuesday and Wednesday (it’s not unusual to receive these things in the middle of the night as the finance manager is also a member of normal nursery staff so works with the children in the day!). According to the invoice on Tuesday she was picked up at 5.45pm, and on Wednesday at 6pm. This is the 3rd time in as many months I’ve received an invoice.

DH won’t tell me what he’s doing to make him late to pick DD up from Nursery and claims the Nursery are being overly fussy about “5 minutes or so”. I know they won’t be as it states in the contract with them they only charge from 15 minutes or more lateness so I know he must be being late to pick her up by that much. So my only conclusion is it must be deliberate.

It’s not a huge amount of money (£5 for every 15 minutes your late so £15 for the entire invoice) and we can afford it but it doesn’t seem fair to be delayed deliberately when DH has the time to pick her up.
DH is definitely not cheating/having an affair, firstly he works in a mostly male environment where the gossip is rife and no-one can even go the toilet without someone knowing and secondly my brother works with him (DH recommended DBro for the job) so my brother would be aware and would most definitely tell me if DH was getting some somewhere else –we’re twins and have always been close, we literally predict when we’re going to text/phone each other, even my mum finds it weird!--. He doesn’t go anywhere and has no hobbies apart from “gaming” (don’t get me started) so there’s definitely no OW.

So AIBU to think DH is deliberately leaving DD in Nursery? And if so what’s he doing?

"DH is definitely not cheating/having an affair"
LOL....why on earth you mentioned this is mind boggling...Jeez..man is 5 minutes late = "might be having an affair"
Women constantly 30 min's late = deal with it.

Neither I nor dh could imagine getting home from work a full three hours before nursery closes, two days a week, every week, and using those hours to mess around on the computer, two days a week, every week, instead of collecting our child and taking her to the playground/cafe/to feed the ducks/whatever. Once a month, perhaps, twice tops, just to decompress a little, but twice a week every week? No. Never mind being late.

What on earth is that saying to your daughter about her father's priorities? This won't change and she will notice.

Too much judgement on parents who use nurseries on this thread. And too many ill informed opinions. How to make parents feel shit about their childcare choices. The OP shouldn't have to defend using a nursery for her childcare. It's not like she's locking her kid in a jail cell for 10 hours a day.

Have some fucking empathy people and think before you post.

Interesting.

I don't however sit there in a dark room playing games and neither does my wife, she has her gaming laptop and I have my gaming PC.

We are not stereotypical gamers though

but he always has needed more free time than me, I'm fine with that, I think men do need more time than women in general

I don't agree with this at all. It is an age old story. Women need free time just as much as the men. May be they are just more willing to give up their free time for the sake of others.

Massive derailment of the thread, feel sorry for the OP.

Only the late pick up is relevant. The late pick up is unacceptable and I would be furious. I would not accept this

However there is a load of sanctimonious bollocks being spotted on here. And it's clearly down to snobbery about the gaming (whatever some of you might say). There is nothing wrong with children being in childcare. Nothing wrong with parents using their free time however they see fit. Mumsnetters are hugely supportive of women furthering their careers and working long hours but if you follow the logic on a lot of these posts women should work the minimum they can afford to regardless of whether they enjoy their jobs, as children should only be in childcare when it's absolutely necessary.

"Loving the usual spitting and snarling about gaming while spending hours on mumsnet. Never ceases to make me laugh grin"

:-) It's so funny. They can't see it. 6 hours a week phoning mum and friends is great...we spend 2 hours watching a football match = marriage neglect.

Can't wait for those sex robots to come out....

FYI some of us can spend free time gaming but are able to pick up our kids on time and behave like a functional adult.

And that’s absolutely fine. OPs DH clearly can’t. Gaming as hobby isn’t the issue, it’s the behaviour that’s one people exhibit because of their hobby. It would be just as unacceptable if it was running, cycling, photography, knitting or painting.

That’s meant to read ‘some people’ 🙄

I don’t care what he is doing with his downtime but this is all pretty unnecessary and seems incredibly focussed on seeing time without your DD as the only way to relax.

Why don’t you tell him that leaving it until the last minute smacks a bit of being away from your DD for literally as long as possible.
Why doesn’t he go home and relax for an hour or two then go and get her an hour or so before finish time?
It’s not that hard really if he’s reasonable and it sounds like he broadly is
Just talk to him

So a grown man in 'gaming' during time he could spend with his child? I think you have your answer OP. He's just a lazy bastard and a shot father to the point where he can't even be bothered picking her up on time let alone actually looking forward to seeing her the way that normal fathers do.

Nail on the head there!

Fuck the fact people need downtime, hes a pure joke!!!

Sheesh lots of posters can't read....

OP has said it's only 2 days and on the other days they do things as a family (so I would think that means Dad included!) plus he contributes to housework as she's said he gets tea ready, changes beds and puts washing on etc on these two days. Yet still people are suggesting he's some kind of lazy waste of space man child

Do all the mums on this thread bashing him for having time to himself not have any time to themselves I take it??

So what if he uses his free time to play games, can't believe someone even suggested if he used the time to go for a run or the gym that was acceptable but not gaming - WTAF?? People have different hobbies you know!!!

The only issue I can see is that his hobby is making him late, which isn't fair on the nursery staff - OP I would try explaining it to him in those terms, that they may have their own families and commitments but they are missing or being late for those because of him......

Do you spend 3 hours a day playing Barbies, OP?

I must admit I snorted at this! Because I do feel it's the equivalent of playing computer games. Is there anything intrinsically wrong with it? Of course not - to each his or her own and all that. The world would be a dull place if we all liked to do the same things. But I do think there is something inherently childish about playing computer games, like there is about playing Barbies. Or reading Julia Donaldson books. Or going to soft play. Or watching Disney Princess films. You like doing any of those things? Not my scene, but fair enough. You like doing these things for long periods of time on a regular basis? Very odd, but doesn't hurt anyone else. But you like doing these things for long periods of time on a regular basis instead of spending time with your own child (and to the definite detriment of others when you can't be on time to collect her, thereby inconvencng others, incurring costs and potentially causing upset to DD)? That can't be right on many people's world view.....

Exactly Tutti , he should be made to pay the late fee , apologise (with cake) to the nursery staff and make sure he's never late again. The other stuff though are non issues for the op , it's her life and she seems happy enough with it.

He is very probably being late because he just wants to spend as much time as possible putting his feet up and not looking after your DD. Personally, I feel sorry for any child whose parent does this all the time as I think it smacks of putting yourself before your child- it must be very tiring for your DD to be at nursery for those long hours and I think most parents would avoid consistently doing this unless really necessary e.g. because of work or illness.

I think most parents would avoid consistently doing this unless really necessary e.g. because of work or illness

So not most parents then?

Even if it was his gaming hobby you can just see it now.... "oh i'm gonna finish this bit before I got pick up DD" - if so this is pathetic time management and selfish.

However DH won’t tell me what he’s doing to make him late like, why not? Why the dishonesty.

We always have and do get ours from childcare as soon as we can. I don't think childcare is a case of getting your moneys worth. Surely he should want to get his daughter as soon as possible and have her at home/go to the park. How playing on a computer game for hours is preferable to being with your own child is frankly appalling IMHO. I'm all for adult alone and downtime but surely gets that at other times.

is this a wind up ?

I dont know ANYONE who would behave like your husband op (and fid it acceptable and normal). How old is your husband and why does he need to play his game so often?

SleepingStandingUp I get what you mean but I think regardless, people all cope differently whether their hold has extra issues or not. We also get three hours twice a week respite care and sleep or just zone out or spend time with the elder child. To be fair the reason we put her into daycare was to help with speech etc unfortunately where we are the 15 hours free doesn’t apply which is ridiculous but she gets DLA so that pays for it. Her needs aren’t as demanding anymore which is lucky but you’re right, no one can babysit her for us because of tube feeding.

Sheesh lots of posters can't read....

Oh the irony.

I suggest YOU read the Op’s posts. It’s only two days he picks her up. She’s at nursery three days and the OP takes her out two days. HE plays on his game FIVE afternoons a week and a Saturday (for at least the morning). The OP has to insist that Sunday is a family day.

Ffs. It's not like he's playing WOW into the early hours and leaving his child screaming and in danger.

It's a couple of hours on a console while she is safe and happy at nursery.

I find it really sad that he would rather spend time at home on his PlayStation than spending it with his daughter

And that’s absolutely fine. OPs DH clearly can’t. Gaming as hobby isn’t the issue

I know, I was addressing the derailment the thread has taken. The usual claws out shit when gaming is mentioned.

My guess he's either too engrossed in his game or he's watching porn (tongue in cheek... sort of). Either way it's not acceptable and he needs to start being punctual. It might 'only' be £15 at the moment but if this keeps happening then the costs could easily mount up. It's not fair on your dd either.