Is DH deliberately leaving DD at Nursery? and why?

[ThreeDaysAWeek]

First post, but long time lurker.

DD (whose 2) goes to Nursery 3 days a week. I drop her off at 7.30am, and get to work for 8amish, then work 8.15am – 4.45pm apart from Friday when I finish at 3.45pm. Nursery closes at 5.30pm so there’s no way on a Tuesday and Wednesday I can get to pick her up in time.

DH works full time but does 7am-2pm, and works a short walk from our home, so is home by 2.15pm every day. On a Tuesday and Wednesday we agreed he’d walk the mile to the Nursery and pick DD up, we pay for her to be in until 5.30pm so I’ve said to DH that as long as he gets her by then he can game/chill out at home for those 2 and half hours he’s got spare. Literally all he needs to do is take care of DD for that walk as I’m usually only a few minutes at most behind him getting through the door usually I get in just before they do.

Last week I had to attend a Staff Meeting after work on Tuesday and there was an accident on the motorway on Wednesday so I got stuck in traffic so was home late both days. I’ve just received an invoice from the Nursery –I deal with all paperwork regarding the Nursery etc so it comes to my email-- asking the payment for “unarranged late pickup” for two days last week; Tuesday and Wednesday (it’s not unusual to receive these things in the middle of the night as the finance manager is also a member of normal nursery staff so works with the children in the day!). According to the invoice on Tuesday she was picked up at 5.45pm, and on Wednesday at 6pm. This is the 3rd time in as many months I’ve received an invoice.

DH won’t tell me what he’s doing to make him late to pick DD up from Nursery and claims the Nursery are being overly fussy about “5 minutes or so”. I know they won’t be as it states in the contract with them they only charge from 15 minutes or more lateness so I know he must be being late to pick her up by that much. So my only conclusion is it must be deliberate.

It’s not a huge amount of money (£5 for every 15 minutes your late so £15 for the entire invoice) and we can afford it but it doesn’t seem fair to be delayed deliberately when DH has the time to pick her up.
DH is definitely not cheating/having an affair, firstly he works in a mostly male environment where the gossip is rife and no-one can even go the toilet without someone knowing and secondly my brother works with him (DH recommended DBro for the job) so my brother would be aware and would most definitely tell me if DH was getting some somewhere else –we’re twins and have always been close, we literally predict when we’re going to text/phone each other, even my mum finds it weird!--. He doesn’t go anywhere and has no hobbies apart from “gaming” (don’t get me started) so there’s definitely no OW.

So AIBU to think DH is deliberately leaving DD in Nursery? And if so what’s he doing?

OP have you pointed out to him that his 2 year old child is sitting in nursery presumably on her own while all her friends are being picked up and she is just sitting there with her coat on waiting for him? I've never been late to pick up my kids, but quite often they have been one of the last ones there. I always feel a bit bad even though Ive done nothing wrong. He needs to pay for the late pickups too completely out of his money, not family money.

People in here are being ridiculous. I'd be really annoyed that he couldn't get his butt to the nursery on time but I see no issue in having a bit of alone time while dd is in nursery. I pay for full day wednesday for mine and I finish work at 1pm. And I love my afternoons to myself. I get a coffee or have a snooze or do house work if I'm feeling inclined.

"I think men need more free time in general."

Facepalm

No. No they don't. They get it because they demand it, or arrange life so it's unbearable for everyone else unless they get it. They actually don't need it because of their testicles. Really.

Sorry, he may, it may work for you, great if it does. But the idea that parenting is soooo much more draining for men that they need lots and lots of "down time" purely because they are men gives me the serious rage.

Also find it interesting you talk about his time with DD as HIM "enjoying" HER. Its actually not about him and his enjoyment. It's about her and her needs. I don't "enjoy" every minute with my baby, she's knackering and often moany, this week she's been sick and vomming all over me! But I would pay good money to be with her rather than her be at nursery if I had it. Because I know focussed, one to one attention from me is better for her than nursery, no matter how much she enjoys it there.

QuackPorridgeBacon the difference is your child is only in for 5 hours a day, not 10+ however late Dad is to pick her up. Also presumably if both you and your partner are carers for your child they have complex additional needs so the need for downtime if different, especially when it can be impossible to get general babysitting etc for your child because they're too complex for other people to have. Also depending on your childs additional needs 15 hours at nursery may well be additionally beneficial to their development.
You dint say how old your child is but you should get those 15 hours free from 2. We're looking at 3 hours a day if we can get a 121 sorted to help with his language and interpersonal skills

Because I know focussed, one to one attention from me is better for her than nursery, no matter how much she enjoys it there.

But having a sane, fully functioning mother is better for her than having one on one attention from an exhausted and depleted one no?

Not saying that's what you are - you seem to be managing fine. That's great. Why shame those of us who choose to prioritise our mental health for the sake of our DC?

I'm not talking about the OP's husband, he's neither here nor there. But this thread has an awful lot of sweeping judgements about parents who choose to take downtime from their children to do anything other than "constructive" things, whatever that means. I would say taking care of one's mental health IS constructive.

I grew up with a mother who prioritised us above everything else to her MASSIVE detriment, so this is a pet peeve for me.

I don't criticise you for wanting to spend every waking minute with your child. If it works for you then great. Don't have a go at me for daring to want some time to myself in order to be a better mother to my DS.

Abuse? I would just tell him to sort himself out. I would not live with a man who thinks he's 15. Get off your arse and deal with the fact you have a family. Eithermske more effort to support them financially or take responsibility to care for your child. Then I would take the Playststion to the nearest charity shop and do us all a favour.

OP hasn't been around for pages and I only skimmed everyone else's comments but FWIW I don't see a problem with DH having a few hours to himself a couple of days a week. What would bother me is that it's so disrespectful to the nursery staff to be late all the time for no good reason. They have lives to get on with too and probably don't fancy hanging around work until whenever matey can be arsed to get off the console and pick up his child.

Have i got this right - you have a husband who plays on a playstation ? To the extent that he forgets about his children, lets you down and runs up bills for you to pay.

Really ?

A bit of ‘me time’ is fine, the odd afternoon leaving them in nursery while you do whatever is fine. But THREE afternoons a week and two with her Mum so he can play on the PlayStation FIVE afternoons & Saturday mornings? Who exactly, thinks that’s fine? Cod? mrsCog?

To all of those posters who are saying that they'd smash his console up, would you really?

I’ll get flamed for this but in my case I didn’t smash it up, it broke of its own accord and whilst we’re still married and I live in this house it will never be replaced. Selfish, childish behaviour exhibited by OPs DH had crept in, what was once played in his own free time began to escalate and intrude in family time, there was barely any conversation because he just wasn’t listening/interested and before I knew it, it had taken over. No matter what I said or did, it wouldn’t change. Luckily it broke just before I had DD and there is no way in hell I’ll have another games console in the house.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the hours OPs DD does at nursery, it’s only 2 days a week. Plenty of children do more than that and are quite happy. I know my DD was!

The lateness because her DH can’t step up is beyond shitty though and the way OP seems to think it’s 1950s and her DH gets this charmed life of basically doing fuck all is astonishing.

As decreed by the parenting police, how much "me" time is allowed before it is "selfish"? One hour a week? Two hours a week?

I get 3 afternoons a week from about 3/3.30-5 when I pick up DS. Is that too much? Am I scarring my child?

Sometimes DH and I take the day off work together while DS is in nursery and spend the day together. This is because we don't have anyone who could babysit for us in the evenings.

Is that ok?

Pecan - presumably you are parenting on the other two weekdays and weekends though. This man is not. He prioritises gaming every day. And he only works until 2pm. You can't compare your situation to this.

Ok the nursery is going to be pretty unhappy with you guys because you'll be keeping them late. They understand one offs but lose tolerance with piss takers. They are people with busy lives, just as you two are.

It is a very long day in nursery; it'd be nice if he could pick her up earlier, at least one day.

Your husband needs to grow up, doesn't he.

You can't compare your situation to this.

I wasn't. But there are posters here saying you should only put your child in nursery for downtime if you are doing something constructive, or that you shouldn't do it at all.

So a grown man in 'gaming' during time he could spend with his child? I think you have your answer OP. He's just a lazy bastard and a shot father to the point where he can't even be bothered picking her up on time let alone actually looking forward to seeing her the way that normal fathers do.

As decreed by the parenting police, how much "me" time is allowed before it is "selfish"? One hour a week? Two hours a week?

@PecanPieFace no time is allowed. Sorry. You have to spend every minute of your life with your child now - let them come to the toilet with you, sleep in your bed, until they turn 18 when they are an adult and you cast them out and help them no more.

It isn't great the DH is late picking his DD up at all, but I think more parents should take a bit of me-time if their lives can be arranged as such to not impact their partner or children too negatively.

Be nice if the DP wanted to spend more time wiht his kid tho.

I think men do need more time than women in general

They don't. They simply feel entitled to it.

@pexanpieface

But having a sane, fully functioning mother is better for her than having one on one attention from an exhausted and depleted one no?

Absolutely. If there was any indication the OP's partner had mental health difficulties then the situation would be very different.

Not saying that's what you are - you seem to be managing fine. That's great.

Doing my best. Bloody tired mind you... But I kind of expected that (up to a point,nothing can prepare you for getting no more than 3 hours sleep at a time for a year 😴). Certainly if I felt I wasn't coping I'd get the help and support and time out I needed and feel no shame about it.

Why shame those of us who choose to prioritise our mental health for the sake of our DC?

I absolutely didn't, anywhere. That's you reading into what I said because you are defensive about it - and you shouldn't be, you're not doing anything wrong!

I'm not talking about the OP's husband

Ah, I think this is where the misunderstanding has arisen. I am,because that's what the thread's about. I'm reading about a man who works 6 hour days, then takes up to 3 hours to himself every weekday, whose DW does the bulk of the childcare in the evenings and at the weekends, who gets a weekly lie in (if OP's kid is anything like mine, I doubt she ever gets a lie in!!) and presumably the evening to himself once his child is in bed. And is still late picking her up at 5.30 two days a week. If that is the bard minimum he needs to preserve his mental health and functional parenting ability, I think a visit to the GP might be in order. As the OP hasn't indicated he is struggling, I'm inclined to think he may just be taking the piss.

I haven’t read the full thread, but gosh I find it pathetic how many grown men with families and jobs spend sustaintial amounts of time ‘gaming’ like 12 year old boys.

Do you spend 3 hours a day playing Barbies, OP?

I really don't get the gaming hate.

It's not just boys or men that play games, a large percentage of girls and women do too.

I think men do need more time than women in general

You what?

Your husband is a lazy man child, how can you find that attractive?

OnionKnight it's a bit of a red herring about the diversity of gamers. Women and girls make up a large proportion of "gamers" only when you take into account the plethora of "social" games like Mafia Wars/Farm thingy etc via Facebook, and things like Bejewelled Blitz - things women do on their phones with one eye whilst or in between commuting/nursing a baby/wrangling kids. Personally I find these bloody tedious but here I am on Mumsnet so we all have our vices. But the type of console based, "me time", sit in a dark room and focus total attention on it type of gaming that most people think of as gaming is still largely the preserve of men. The stats on gaming when broken down are actually quite telling in this sense.

‘Tis for scrotum maintenance, you know.

OP the language you use about your bloke says you see him as a helper rather than a responsible co parent and I’ll bet you adjust your behaviour to enable that and he’s toon advantage of it.

Tell him the pick up time has been changed and get the fucker told if you insist on treating and rewarding him like a teenager.

Loving the usual spitting and snarling about gaming while spending hours on mumsnet. Never ceases to make me laugh

FYI some of us can spend free time gaming but are able to pick up our kids on time and behave like a functional adult.