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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my 17 year old back in the home?

234 replies

TakeMeToTheUSA · 21/01/2018 10:05

17 year old son has been going off the rails for years, lying, stealing, drug taking, fighting. His father and I broke up when he was 2. I'm now remarried and my husband has really tried with him (for 6 years) but it's all too much. DH has to lock his coat in the cupboard on a night time otherwise his wallet gets raided. DS1 wants a lock in his bedroom door as all his stuff keeps going missing. We have to take the door keys to bed with us on a night otherwise he sneaks his dodgy mates into the house in the early hours. He doesn't work or go to college or do anything other that take drugs.

I have tried to seek help, I've contacted social services, the police, connections, drug support, mental health team - nobody will help me.

Anyway earlier in the week he asked to borrow some change for the bus. I went to my bag where I knew I had some money and it had gone. He denied all knowledge. I questioned myself but deep down I knew he'd taken it.

Anyway it came to a head last night when I went to bed and intuition told me to check my bedside table where I had an envelope containing £100 from my 84 year old grandmother. It was money she was planning to leave me when she died but instead decided to give it out while she's still here so she can seems spend it. It had gone. DS was at his dads at the time so I messaged him asking why he'd taken it and did he realise he'd stolen my inheritance money from my one surviving grandparent? Yes he fucking knew because the envelope said exactly what it was. He just didn't give a shit.

I'm so hurt. I feel like I don't even like him anymore and have told him to not come back here and that he no longer lives here. I've also told his dad what he's done and told him not to bring him back.

I do not want him here anymore. The kid has caused me years of misery and stress and I'm done.

AIBU to simply decide now that he no longer lives here?? I simply cannot cope with him anymore and no fucker will help me so I'm throwing in the towel.

OP posts:
Gaelach · 21/01/2018 21:54

Keep strong OP, this is for the greater good.

Mxyzptlk · 21/01/2018 22:12

Well done, OP.
Is it possible for you to chuck his remaining belongings in a suitcase and dump it at his dads? Let him know that he is no longer welcome at your house anymore. Make sure you change your locks ASAP in case he tries to return

^^All of this

Geronimoleapinglizards · 21/01/2018 22:13

It sounds like you're doing amazingly. Stick to your guns.

Geronimoleapinglizards · 21/01/2018 22:14

And absolutely pack up his things. Everyone needs to see you mean business.

LuluJakey1 · 21/01/2018 22:18

Well done. Stay strong and don't give n and have him back tomorrow or next week or next month. Make sure your house is secure.

MissEliza · 21/01/2018 22:19

Oooocrikey thats some really wise advice. Op I'm the mother of two teenage boys. One has given me a great deal of worries in the last couple of years. Not quite in this league but very worrying. There have been times when I have absolutely understood why people throw their dcs out. I've felt like I've done everything in my power and it's not working. Other family members are being affected and my mental health is suffering. I didn't go through with the idea but I think it is necessary in some cases. I hope the messages of support have been helpful.

frumpety · 22/01/2018 06:46

I agree with another poster , just because he is no longer living at your house does not mean you need to stop communicating with him , you can tell him you love him and that you hate his behaviour and it is as a direct result of his behaviour that you are all where you are . The trust is gone , long gone and it will take a long time to get back , possibly years . No heartfelt apology is going to sweep away years of abuse from him to you , because that is what it feels like when you are living through a situation like this . Constantly being hyper aware , never really sleeping properly , waiting for the next emotional kick in the teeth , damage limitation , changing your behaviours because of theirs , just never really feeling safe in your own home .

Original poster
TakeMeToTheUSA · 22/01/2018 08:38

Well last night was bliss - no having to stay up until the early hours waiting for him to come in, no laying awake listening out for him sneaking around the house, no paranoia about going to work wondering what he'll get up to while I'm out ...

I still feel guilty but I'm still adamant that he can't come back here. I've done all I can. I'm going to give it a few months and then redocorate the bedroom - I'll turn it into a guest room and then either he or one of the other adult kids can use it now and again if they happen to sleep over (such as Christmas!)

OP posts:
JingsMahBucket · 22/01/2018 08:54

Well done, TakeMe. I'm glad you were finally able to get some good sleep. I would still change the locks on the house honestly. I could see him trying to get back in while you're at work and possibly sacking the place out of anger. At least if you changed the locks, that would be a breaking and entering charge.

BMW6 · 22/01/2018 08:58

I wouldn't let him come into the house until you are absolutely convinced that he has reformed. Certainly not for several months and then only if you are not alone with him, in case he needs forcible eviction. Be very careful and cautious OP.

GerdaLovesLili · 22/01/2018 09:24

My mother threw me out at 17 for a lot less. I survived. Don't feel guilty, you have every reason to want your life back.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 22/01/2018 09:32

You look after yourself now, and always remember, he blotted his own copy book, it had nothing to do with your parenting.
Hopefully in another ten years, you'll see the decent man you raised, shining through.💐

Dancetothebeat32 · 22/01/2018 09:40

Do not let him back through the door.
Do not feel an ounce of guilt either
He has caused all of this not you or anybody else. He can now either sort his shit out or become a bum, choice is now down to him.
I would phone he police as well and have them caution him at least, he obviously thinks he is untouchable and that he can do as he pleases with no consequence....time for the boy to grow up and learn some respect

MissEliza · 22/01/2018 09:46

I agree with others about changing the locks. My aunt's dh threw his ds out for a number of reasons and he entered the house while they were at work and took lots of stuff, probably to sell as his daddy had cut off the gravy train.

KayaG · 22/01/2018 09:48

Stay strong, OP.

QueenofmyPrinces · 22/01/2018 12:15

HAve you heard from him or his dad today?

FizzyGreenWater · 22/01/2018 12:38

OP you've absolutely done the right thing. Have you changed the locks? Because with his dad presumably now frantically looking for ways to get out of carrying the can you've been struggling with for years Angry then beware you don't come home to him reinstalled after dad driving him home!

Bottom line is this. He hasn't 'been going off the rails for a while' -no, he is firmly OFF the rails and at 17, a bloody massive change in the status quo is needed if anything, ever, is going to save the situation, because it's clear that whatever has been happening hasn't worked. My thinking would be that no, he hasn't responded to 'consequences' because to a near-adult this far down the road to being entirely sociopathic and un-socialised, what you see as 'consequences' to him clearly aren't. Disapproval? Fuck off. No money? Will just steal it. Not allowed to have friends over? Will break them in.

At this 'stage', more is needed. As they say - if you keep doing the same things you'll get the same results. More than that, it's all time-dependant. Soon he'll be 18. Much less help available. No safety nets. Nothing but prison beckoning, really.

So what does count as a consequence for a person with this mentality - kicking out is the only thing. Think about it, up til now he's essentially still been cared for as a young child despite everything. He could do anything he liked with no 'brake' as at the end of the day, his bed is there, in a warm house. Take that away and he is an adult. He wants a warm bed - he has to think about how to do that. He is actually responsible for himself and his behaviour has an actual consequence.

He will be thinking in a very different way this morning. He will be wondering what is going to happen to him. This has never been something he's needed to worry about before...

OP stay firm. Definitely don't ever let him back - it's not about learning a lesson. It's about seeing a person who needs to be made to take this level of responsibility for themselves and their behaviour, permanently, to make them re-learn how to live as a normally socialised adult. Bottles of piss? Jesus.

And, to say it again - he's 17. SS were lying about you being required to take him back, and yes there's less help, but there is some - and also, if he gets into trouble as a reaction to this and the police become involved then he is currently still a minor and that is good. If you'd struggled along til next year, his options would be very different.

Take his stuff to his dad's.

If somehow he gets in while you're at work, keep calm, have a locksmith ready and change the locks as soon as he goes out.

You are quite possibly turning around a life that would have ended up criminal.

whateveryouknow · 22/01/2018 13:28

Very well said Fizzy. 👍👍👍

onalongsabbatical · 22/01/2018 13:50

FizzyGreenWater what a great post.
OP, I was following this all day yesterday. Very relieved that you took action, but now I'm worried that, precisely because you've had a bit of space and relaxed, you'll weaken. If you do you'll be right back where you were before you can blink, or worse - it could be worse because his dad could stop him from visiting, so you'd be completely lumbered at that point. Please take everyone's advice. You MUST change the locks. It's fundamental.
Stay strong.

Bramble71 · 22/01/2018 14:23

I know of a parent who kicked her 16 year old daughter out at 16 as she just couldn't afford to keep her anymore; circumstances much less trying than yours, OP.

You've exhausted all the help channels that I can think of so, if you can take no more (and you sound stressed to hell), then it's time to change the locks and, if he kicks up a fuss, you can call the Police to report the theft and harassment. He will have to go back with his dad, find a mate who is willing to let him move in or declare himself homeless to the council, though I doubt the latter will be able to do anything.

MissEliza · 22/01/2018 14:46

Excellent post Fizzy.

ineedwine99 · 22/01/2018 14:52

Well done OP. Stay strong

JingsMahBucket · 22/01/2018 15:09

+1 to what Fizzy said plus I'd like to reiterate and implore you again that you report the theft to police. That will also push the hand of SS and his father to take this more seriously and start acting. They'll have no choice other than to get involved if he's facing an arrest.

sirlee66 · 22/01/2018 15:18

So invested in this. Please change the locks. I'll be so annoyed for you if you get home and find him in your house when pretty much every PP has told you over and over again to change the locks.

I'm worried you will back down and let him back in.

MissEliza · 22/01/2018 16:08

Erm don't be invested in this SirLee. This is someone else's actual life. Be as supportive as you can be on an anonymous Internet forum.