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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my 17 year old back in the home?

234 replies

TakeMeToTheUSA · 21/01/2018 10:05

17 year old son has been going off the rails for years, lying, stealing, drug taking, fighting. His father and I broke up when he was 2. I'm now remarried and my husband has really tried with him (for 6 years) but it's all too much. DH has to lock his coat in the cupboard on a night time otherwise his wallet gets raided. DS1 wants a lock in his bedroom door as all his stuff keeps going missing. We have to take the door keys to bed with us on a night otherwise he sneaks his dodgy mates into the house in the early hours. He doesn't work or go to college or do anything other that take drugs.

I have tried to seek help, I've contacted social services, the police, connections, drug support, mental health team - nobody will help me.

Anyway earlier in the week he asked to borrow some change for the bus. I went to my bag where I knew I had some money and it had gone. He denied all knowledge. I questioned myself but deep down I knew he'd taken it.

Anyway it came to a head last night when I went to bed and intuition told me to check my bedside table where I had an envelope containing £100 from my 84 year old grandmother. It was money she was planning to leave me when she died but instead decided to give it out while she's still here so she can seems spend it. It had gone. DS was at his dads at the time so I messaged him asking why he'd taken it and did he realise he'd stolen my inheritance money from my one surviving grandparent? Yes he fucking knew because the envelope said exactly what it was. He just didn't give a shit.

I'm so hurt. I feel like I don't even like him anymore and have told him to not come back here and that he no longer lives here. I've also told his dad what he's done and told him not to bring him back.

I do not want him here anymore. The kid has caused me years of misery and stress and I'm done.

AIBU to simply decide now that he no longer lives here?? I simply cannot cope with him anymore and no fucker will help me so I'm throwing in the towel.

OP posts:
Original poster
TakeMeToTheUSA · 21/01/2018 12:36

I've managed to contact OOH SS, they are ringing me back. I've tried this before and they just said I had to take him back legally. I don't know what I'm going to say that will make it different?

OP posts:
baddadtogoodmum · 21/01/2018 12:36

maybe something like these boot camps in the UK? Google?

FissionChips · 21/01/2018 12:38

You just have to completely refuse. You won’t be done for child neglect, honestly.

alotalotalot · 21/01/2018 12:38

You just keep saying. No. Broken record. They will try their best to guilt trip you. Stick to your guns.

Womensplaceisintherevolution · 21/01/2018 12:40

Change the locks op. Let your ex know that you will not be having your son back in the house due to his thieving. Then tell him that you will drop off his stuff around later. You have done everything that you can Flowers

Geronimoleapinglizards · 21/01/2018 12:42

You need to stand firm. Say to SS that, no, sorry, you refuse to take him back this time. Say to his dad too, sorry, either he keeps him or he helps your ds with where he is going to live. End of discussion. You won't have him back.

You have to stand firm. It must be really tough but you matter too and your ds has had a lot of chances, by the sounds of things. It is in his best interests to have a wake up call and to make some decisions about the person he wants to be in life.

Notasunnybunny · 21/01/2018 12:43

Contact emergency Ss. Tell your ex you are doing so. They will lean on him to take ds in. Failing that they will find him somewhere. This is the kick he needs. You are teaching him a life lesson, don’t feel bad.

wrappedupinmyselflikeaspool · 21/01/2018 12:43

It sounds like he might be an addict. I say that on the basis not only of the drug taking but on the basis of the behaviour. Living with an addict is too much for most of us. Flowers I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

Unfortunately you are going to have to try to deal with the situation as it is rather than as you'd like it to be and as soon as you do that, things will improve a little but it will probably always hurt. It's so difficult and I really do sympathise.

You have a right to a life. You have a right to keep hold of your own property and keep your house as your sanctuary. The measures you have taken to prevent him stealing sound sensible. You should certainly never leave money lying around, not even hidden, he will steal it. Nothing is as important as the addiction, not even you. Get a safe and lock all money up. He can't have his friends back late at night. Change the locks and work out if there is a way of him being able to live with you without having his own key. Work out a system, I don't know what that will be. Don't explain, just do what you need to do too get your house and life back. I'm not convinced by the argument to involve the police, I don't think this will stop the behaviour or the drug taking. He will stop using when he is ready to stop, not before. You can help him by letting him know you love him and not standing for any nonsense.

Last but not least, get some help for yourself. None of what I've outlined above will be simple. There are support groups for families of addicts.

LuluJakey1 · 21/01/2018 12:46

I would not have him back and would call the police. You have done your best. You should not have to live like this. He is old enough to be responsible. He knows it is wrong and knows he is causing distress. Change the locks today. Pack his stuff and put it outside and tell his dad he can collect it.

BarbarianMum · 21/01/2018 12:47

OP you just say "no I can't, I won't". They will intervene if you stand firm. Maybe they'll even work on your ex to give you a bit of breathing space.

Fairenuff · 21/01/2018 12:47

Making a 17 year old homeless is not a gift, it’s a self preservation action, but let’s not pretend anyone is doing the child a favour here.

I disagree. He has two parents. He has a loving home. He has free board. He wants for nothing.

This is not a poor child finding themselves homeless through no fault of their own. It is of his own making.

It's not just self preservation, it's teaching him how to be a decent human. And that is a gift. If he doesn't learn that, he is in for a very, very tough life.

OverTheParapet · 21/01/2018 12:47

Tell SS that your own mental health is at detriment due to having to lock everything away etc.

mothertruck3r · 21/01/2018 12:48

Change the locks. If he comes back tell him to sleep at the home of one of his friends and on Monday morning go to the council to say he has been kicked out. Then they can provide him with emergency accommodation. Not your problem anymore. He is over 16 so presumably is old enough to leave home on his own anyway?

LuluJakey1 · 21/01/2018 12:48

He is 17. You do not have to take him back. He is an adult - can drive, buy property, get married, move away if he chooses. You do not have to have him in your house.

FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats · 21/01/2018 12:49

Nope he can stay with his dad the little shit!

LuluJakey1 · 21/01/2018 12:49

SS will pressure you and tell you all kinds of things. Do not give in. Just say no.

blackteasplease · 21/01/2018 12:50

I agree with the advice of many pps. Dont have him back. Id call police too. They'll give him a roof for one night but not one he'll want....

Tbh I think where teen boys have got out of hand like this then living with Dad should be the default situation. How could you ever physically restrain him or defend yourself if he got violent.

Qvar · 21/01/2018 12:53

Lulu, your just factually incorrect. He is not an adult. He cannot buy property. He cannot get married without parental permission.

I get that this situation would be so much simpler if he were 18 and the op could be instructed to womannup and wash her hands if him, but that’s actually not legally sound advice. Op legally cannot wash her hands of him, he is 17, still at school, and not an adult.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 21/01/2018 12:53

Yes, as above. Tell them to speak to your Sons Father, regarding his future, as at present your mental health is suffering, and you are unable to have him in the house.
Use this opportunity, when they call back, make your case known, if you cry, so be it. Don't take him back, say NO.
Could someone drop your Sons stuff around at his Fathers house now ? Get the lock changed.

ptumbi · 21/01/2018 12:54

I'm pretty sure your DON'T legally have to take him back! They are saying that so you feel pressured and obliged to take him back in. Their job is then done - easy.

Stop making it easy. This is entirely of Ds making. If he is homeless, If his dad doesn't want him, take him to the homeless shelter. A BnB.

He is 17 - he is of age. He needs a wake up.

gamerchick · 21/01/2018 12:54

I've managed to contact OOH SS, they are ringing me back. I've tried this before and they just said I had to take him back legally. I don't know what I'm going to say that will make it different?

You don’t! He’s over 16. This is what I meant about nerves of steel. They will say anything to make you back down. They can’t force you to take him back and you can say that to them.

Fairenuff · 21/01/2018 12:55

Just to give you some hope, OP, my DB's relationship with his DS is so much better now. He comes round for Sunday lunch every week and is polite and respectful.

He is still struggling financially but he has his own flat and is learning that he has to budget for food and can't afford cheese. Some people just have to learn the hard way. But we all have to learn.

FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats · 21/01/2018 12:55

Qvar she can he has another parent. it depends where she lives too. Housing would house him here at 16.

BarbarianMum · 21/01/2018 12:56

Qvar he's not an adult but he's not a child, either, legally he has quite a lot of leeway to make his own decisions . And the OP does not have to have him in her house thieving from her if she doesn't want to. That's a right he doesn't have.

Fairenuff · 21/01/2018 12:56

Oh and he was 17 when my DB said he could no longer live with him so, no, you don't have to have him.