To not let my 17 year old back in the home?

[TakeMeToTheUSA]

17 year old son has been going off the rails for years, lying, stealing, drug taking, fighting. His father and I broke up when he was 2. I'm now remarried and my husband has really tried with him (for 6 years) but it's all too much. DH has to lock his coat in the cupboard on a night time otherwise his wallet gets raided. DS1 wants a lock in his bedroom door as all his stuff keeps going missing. We have to take the door keys to bed with us on a night otherwise he sneaks his dodgy mates into the house in the early hours. He doesn't work or go to college or do anything other that take drugs.

I have tried to seek help, I've contacted social services, the police, connections, drug support, mental health team - nobody will help me.

Anyway earlier in the week he asked to borrow some change for the bus. I went to my bag where I knew I had some money and it had gone. He denied all knowledge. I questioned myself but deep down I knew he'd taken it.

Anyway it came to a head last night when I went to bed and intuition told me to check my bedside table where I had an envelope containing £100 from my 84 year old grandmother. It was money she was planning to leave me when she died but instead decided to give it out while she's still here so she can seems spend it. It had gone. DS was at his dads at the time so I messaged him asking why he'd taken it and did he realise he'd stolen my inheritance money from my one surviving grandparent? Yes he fucking knew because the envelope said exactly what it was. He just didn't give a shit.

I'm so hurt. I feel like I don't even like him anymore and have told him to not come back here and that he no longer lives here. I've also told his dad what he's done and told him not to bring him back.

I do not want him here anymore. The kid has caused me years of misery and stress and I'm done.

AIBU to simply decide now that he no longer lives here?? I simply cannot cope with him anymore and no fucker will help me so I'm throwing in the towel.

What drugs does he take?

Have you tried family lives?
www.familylives.org.uk/advice/teenagers/

It's a horrible situation you poor thing. How soon will it be before he turns 18?

alot, I refused to let him back in and he broke into the garage and slept there. I refused to let him in so he put his hand through the window and stood on the doorstep dripping blood. When I went to get a cloth he went and got into bed and wouldn't move. He told me I was responsible for him, and thought I was.

My main problem, is that my DH is much softer than me, if we had presented a totally united front from the start it might have been easier.

It's so much harder when you're in the middle of it, and so easy to say what you should have done when it's over. It took years for my DH to admit he was glad my son was gone.

I'm glad things are easier now longa

Op I think you have a small window of opportunity before he is 18, when SS will have to step in. I don't think you should waste that opportunity.

The only issue I came up against was how soft the police, social services and the courts are with juveniles.
Courts especially are a joke.
As a care leaver my daughter has just had £200 put into her bank account by social services! £100 birthday money and £100 for Christmas. She got a £1500 grant at 18 to furnish a flat. They help sort benefits out. She didn't have to pay council tax as she was a care leaver.
When ooh SS return the call, be firm. I many a time argued with them.
Do you want to have to turn your house into Fort Knox? Screw down your telly? Hide everything under lock and key? Deny yourself a treat in case it goes missing? And many assaulted if he doesn't get his own way?

May get not many

You can kick them out at 16. He can assistance as he is under 18 and a child in need but you will have to confirm you made him homeless - I would def do this as he needs a wake up call.

Change the locks - my sister was a thieving toerag who did drugs and I have never forgiven her. She had a good upbringing and she made bad decisions. Like your DS they need to own their actions and impacts. He's nearly a grown man at 17.

Your family should not be continually affected by his behaviour. Good luck

When I was an LA social worker (not that long ago) there was a social worker designated to look after young people, mostly Male, of this age who had been thrown out by their parents. I felt it was a thankless job because the young people didn’t last long in foster homes or board because of their refusal to observe boundaries or even to be pleasant.
If you are told you are legally bound to take your DS back tell SS you don’t care, that the mental health of you and your DH comes first, that you will not be taking him back. When did you last hear of parents of a teenager being prosecuted for this?
Just use the broken record technique and tell them he is out and give them his father’s phone number and address and let them do a line on him.
Good luck

OP appears to have tried all the reasonable step, and her DS just hasn't responded.

Letting it collapse into crisis is also an appalling prospect, but would be better before he turns 18, if that is the path chosen.

So this might be the time to throw him out. Have you spoken to his DDad? Is he likely to be able to live there? Would he be better off under social services in a young person supported living unit?

your ex has no more right to say "he doesn't live here" than you do.

at the moment he is there.
you're not letting him back in
your ex, his dad, is therefore making him homeless.

This is from the 'Law and Parents' website in answer to a question about a stepson with the same behaviour issues:

I have referred to your stepson as a boy or child because, in legal terms, that is what he is until he turns 18. Technically, a person with parental responsibility for a child, who fails to look after that child, could be prosecuted for child neglect. Therefore, if either of you do have parental responsibility for this boy, it would be inadvisable to throw him out.

(www.lawandparents.co.uk/can-we-legally-throw-our-16-year-old-son-out.html)

The website Family Rights Group might be able to help you.

Sorry OP, the situation sounds appalling. An appointment with a family law solicitor might be worth it.

You do NOT have to take him back - SS are under all sorts of financial and political pressure not to take kids into care (I speak from experience!) so they will make it very difficult (we used to present 16 year olds at the police station and refuse to leave until a SW attended - it could take hours!) - but they do have a legal obligation so stick to your guns

do you have any charities locally like St Basils - they offer specific youth support and family mediation if you are near Birmingham www.stbasils.org.uk/how-we-help/

As pp said never heard of anyone prosectuted for kicking there 16/17 year old out. It was well known that parents use to kick there 16/17 year olds out so the council would house them.

Are you okay OP, we all have an opinion, and we all mean well.
Have you heard back from SS yet ?

Still awaiting callback. It's snowing, I've just laughed to myself about the sheer shitness of the situation.

Have you called the police op? I mean you know disrespect as you are clearly at the end of your tether but you are being quite passive.

I don’t have any words of advice but I’m reading and thinking how I’d be at absolute breaking point by now too.

I can’t imagine how hard things are but you are doing the right thing, nobody should be forced to live the life you do. You’re a person too and you deserve a happy life so don’t feel guilty about anything you’re doing. We all hit a point where we say enough is enough.

It is very hard to give up and admit defeat , no matter how shitty their behaviour is and how long they do it for , somewhere within you , you believe that you should help , that if you just keep going they will give in too and become the person you hope they have the ability to be .

The problem is that it takes so much from you physically and mentally , you are no longer able to see the wood for the trees . When SS ring back simply give them your Ex's phone number and explain that DS is with his biological parent and that he may not want to keep him at his house but there is no way DS is crossing the threshold of yours and put the phone down , no arguing , no explanation .

Then have a good cry

I've pmd you OP

From personal experience (sorry if I offend anyone), ss people will actually lie in order to avoid taking on responsibility they don’t want to. Please be confident that you don’t ‘have’ to let an abusive thief and destroyer of your family and mental health live in your home because he’s under 18. You just don’t.

You sound desperate and you sound broken.

I’m worried they will tell you that they ‘cant’ do anything, or that you must jump through x number of hoops first or that they’d love to help but you don’t meet their thresholds etc.

Please stay firm and don’t get persuaded by false arguments. I found that some of the people I met genuinely didn’t know the legal responsibilities, and some just hoped I didn’t, but whatever happens, don’t rely on people who have a vested interest in stopping you from not being able to cope with your son living with you anymore.

(And again, I’m sorry if I’ve offended anyone, I don’t ss bash, but the op may be helped by the benefit of knowing my experiences).

Did he come home from his dads?
I didn’t know you legally had to take kids back in when there’s a split in the family? (My dad kicked me out at 13 because his gf didn’t like me).

SS must be able to do something because people do actually just lock kids out.
At 17 he is still of the age to get help. When he turns 18 it’ll get harder as he’ll be classed as an adult so you really do need to try and push it now.

What’s your ex set up? Does your son have his own room at his house? What’s his excuse for saying he can’t stay there. You have been dealing with him for 15 years. Even if it’s just for a few weeks you definitely need a break from it.

Is you son likely to take notice of the police? I know with some it just turns out to be something to brag about but others it can really get them to realise their actions have consequences.

Not really sure what you should do OP. My sister was the same but managed to pull through it. It was a lot of hard years to get there though

What happened op?

I hope SS got back in touch or DS dad took him back in because hes realised you mean it. I hope this is the shock your son needs to realise he should be treating his family better.