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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my 17 year old back in the home?

234 replies

TakeMeToTheUSA · 21/01/2018 10:05

17 year old son has been going off the rails for years, lying, stealing, drug taking, fighting. His father and I broke up when he was 2. I'm now remarried and my husband has really tried with him (for 6 years) but it's all too much. DH has to lock his coat in the cupboard on a night time otherwise his wallet gets raided. DS1 wants a lock in his bedroom door as all his stuff keeps going missing. We have to take the door keys to bed with us on a night otherwise he sneaks his dodgy mates into the house in the early hours. He doesn't work or go to college or do anything other that take drugs.

I have tried to seek help, I've contacted social services, the police, connections, drug support, mental health team - nobody will help me.

Anyway earlier in the week he asked to borrow some change for the bus. I went to my bag where I knew I had some money and it had gone. He denied all knowledge. I questioned myself but deep down I knew he'd taken it.

Anyway it came to a head last night when I went to bed and intuition told me to check my bedside table where I had an envelope containing £100 from my 84 year old grandmother. It was money she was planning to leave me when she died but instead decided to give it out while she's still here so she can seems spend it. It had gone. DS was at his dads at the time so I messaged him asking why he'd taken it and did he realise he'd stolen my inheritance money from my one surviving grandparent? Yes he fucking knew because the envelope said exactly what it was. He just didn't give a shit.

I'm so hurt. I feel like I don't even like him anymore and have told him to not come back here and that he no longer lives here. I've also told his dad what he's done and told him not to bring him back.

I do not want him here anymore. The kid has caused me years of misery and stress and I'm done.

AIBU to simply decide now that he no longer lives here?? I simply cannot cope with him anymore and no fucker will help me so I'm throwing in the towel.

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 21/01/2018 19:33

I hope things went as well as they could today OP.

Original poster
TakeMeToTheUSA · 21/01/2018 20:07

He's staying at his dads today.

SS rang back but were useless, told me I had to take responsibility and can't just expect them to find him somewhere to live. I persisted and said either way he wasn't coming back here so she said the only thing I can do in that case is to go to the council office with him and get him a bed in a hostel. She said supported living and half way care doesn't exist anymore???!! I said fine, I'll get him into a hostel so she backtracked slightly and said there are a few schemes still going and she'll make a referral but there's a massive waiting list.

So I'm expecting to hear back from them tomorrow. In the meantime he's staying at his dads. I've completely gutted his disgusting bedroom - bottles filled with piss, condoms, fag ends, food stuck to the floor - everything gone. I've left his bare essentials in there but he isn't coming back.

OP posts:
sanityisamyth · 21/01/2018 20:11

Well done OP. Can't have been easy but he's got to learn the hard way that his behaviour is unacceptable. Stay strong.

Fairenuff · 21/01/2018 20:12

Well done OP. Stay strong. Keep posting for support.

gamerchick · 21/01/2018 20:15

Keep your nerve OP. They’ll try to bend your arm any which way and tell you all sorts of crap.

Don’t trust a referral, it won’t happen. They’ll need to see you’re not backing down.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 21/01/2018 20:27

Wow, well done OP, you've been very brave, and you've definitely done the right thing.
My guess is, now that his DF knows that you mean business, things may begin to change.
Don't back down, go and see your GP, get your distress down on paper.
Let's hope from here, the only way is up. Keep on keeping on.
Best love OP, we're always here. 🌸🌸🌸

Tistheseason17 · 21/01/2018 20:29

Well done, OP Flowers

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/01/2018 20:33

Well done, TakeMe, that laughter you referred to earlier, that's hysteria at the situation; it must have been a horrendous day for you.

As everybody has already said, keep strong and keep saying that 'he's not coming back here'. Do not bend or deviate from that in the slightest.

Spadequeen · 21/01/2018 20:33

Well done. He needs to take responsibility for his actions and his dad needs to step up and stop making you take all the flack. Hope it all works out.

frumpety · 21/01/2018 20:35

Flowers TakeMe . I would still be tempted to get the locks changed in case he has a key somewhere , so he cant just wander back in when you are not there .

LML83 · 21/01/2018 20:37

Must be hard, but your son has left you no choice. Well done for bring so brave.

Sumo1 · 21/01/2018 20:47

I was going to post how the hell can DF choose whether he has him or not yet you have no option??

Definitely he stays with DF for the last few months until he's 18. If you put the GF's wishes before your health you would be mad. So now he lives with his DF and if he turns up on the doorstep make sure you have the money put by to get him a taxi back there.

QueenofmyPrinces · 21/01/2018 20:49

Well done Op, be proud of yourself. Your son needs to know that he’s pushed you too far and it’s time he paid the price for that.

Embarrassingbodies · 21/01/2018 21:05

Is it possible for you to chuck his remaining belongings in a suitcase and dump it at his dads? Let him know that he is no longer welcome at your house anymore. Make sure you change your locks ASAP in case he tries to return

I would clear out the bedroom, throw out anything beyond repair - inc furniture, replace the flooring and repaint the walls. Just remove any association of him with that room. Honestly the stuff you just had to clear out has made me feel sick

You can’t help someone unless they want to help themselves unfortunately. This has gone on too far

another20 · 21/01/2018 21:14

Well done. Can you make sure that EVERYONE knows that this is permanent - and that there is no going back even if he appears to turn a corner. You have done a lifetime of support over the last 17 years. Time for your xH to pick up. Clear his room, decorate and repurpose.

Leeds2 · 21/01/2018 21:18

Well Done, OP.
Is there any chance you can deliver what you have packed up round to his dad's?
Have it on the step tomorrow for him/his dad to collect?
Inform him/his dad by text if you make any progress with SS, and offer to help with this if he wants you to.

BewareOfDragons · 21/01/2018 21:21

Well done, OP. Stand firm with them. Look at it this way: they have helped it get to this breaking point by NOT finding you the help and support he needed when you repeatedly asked. So now it is entirely their problem. Make that clear.

And tell your ex, his dad, that it is entirely his turn, you are done. Let him do the heavy lifting with social services.

Good luck, OP. You are doing the right thing.

BMW6 · 21/01/2018 21:25

So sorry that you are going through this OP.
No consolation to you I'm sure, but my parents kicked out my eldest sister when she was 17 over her behaviours. She sofa surfed for a short time till she got a house share with friends and job and she says being thrown out was the making of her.
You have done the best thing for your child, let alone yourself.

FissionChips · 21/01/2018 21:25

Well done op, remember you are doing it for his good too Flowers

longta · 21/01/2018 21:32

I'm reliving this through your posts OP, mine also had cans full of spit and vomit, not to mention, his little sister's possessions under the mattress. I actually chopped his bed up too.

Good luck x.

Oooocrikeyitscold · 21/01/2018 21:35

I can only imigine the emotion that you are currently feeling. I am sending you the biggest hug.

Remember also that teenage boys are not good at expressing themselves. Look for signs that his trying to communicate with you. He might appear ‘the big man’ but I imagine underneath his a frightened young man. Let him know your his Mum and will always 100% love him but he needs to meet your conditions for tangainle support (eg living over your roof). When your calm I would also think what are those conditions, eg a job/enrolled in full time education etc.

My thoughts are with you OP xxx

TrinitySquirrel · 21/01/2018 21:35

Turn the bedroom in to a study. Do not give him the opportunity to come back. His bedroom sounds rank as hell OP. Flowers

user1497997754 · 21/01/2018 21:35

Does he have a house key....if so get the locks changed ASAP....good luck and well done for standing up to him

llangennith · 21/01/2018 21:45

You’ve done all you can, now he has to go and make his own life. Don’t weaken. If he wants to mess up his own life that’s his choice but don’t let him mess up anyone else’s.

Sunshineface123 · 21/01/2018 21:53

His bedroom sounds vile. You've done the right thing, good luck.