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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my 17 year old back in the home?

234 replies

TakeMeToTheUSA · 21/01/2018 10:05

17 year old son has been going off the rails for years, lying, stealing, drug taking, fighting. His father and I broke up when he was 2. I'm now remarried and my husband has really tried with him (for 6 years) but it's all too much. DH has to lock his coat in the cupboard on a night time otherwise his wallet gets raided. DS1 wants a lock in his bedroom door as all his stuff keeps going missing. We have to take the door keys to bed with us on a night otherwise he sneaks his dodgy mates into the house in the early hours. He doesn't work or go to college or do anything other that take drugs.

I have tried to seek help, I've contacted social services, the police, connections, drug support, mental health team - nobody will help me.

Anyway earlier in the week he asked to borrow some change for the bus. I went to my bag where I knew I had some money and it had gone. He denied all knowledge. I questioned myself but deep down I knew he'd taken it.

Anyway it came to a head last night when I went to bed and intuition told me to check my bedside table where I had an envelope containing £100 from my 84 year old grandmother. It was money she was planning to leave me when she died but instead decided to give it out while she's still here so she can seems spend it. It had gone. DS was at his dads at the time so I messaged him asking why he'd taken it and did he realise he'd stolen my inheritance money from my one surviving grandparent? Yes he fucking knew because the envelope said exactly what it was. He just didn't give a shit.

I'm so hurt. I feel like I don't even like him anymore and have told him to not come back here and that he no longer lives here. I've also told his dad what he's done and told him not to bring him back.

I do not want him here anymore. The kid has caused me years of misery and stress and I'm done.

AIBU to simply decide now that he no longer lives here?? I simply cannot cope with him anymore and no fucker will help me so I'm throwing in the towel.

OP posts:
GreenSeededGrape · 21/01/2018 10:36

That's a bit sad you are still blaming your df @barbabrian.

Definitely call police and don't allow back.

Thesmallthings · 21/01/2018 10:38

I would have to phone the police. He keeps stealing with out any consequences. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

gamerchick · 21/01/2018 10:39

Hi I'm so sorry to hear you and your family are having a horrible time. I would want to try and understand the reasons behind the behaviour. In your original post you say that you and your ex husband split when your son was quite young maybe this has caused him to feel angry towards you? Maybe he has felt insecure and unsettled? I am not saying this is the case or you have done anything wrong and this does not excuse the behaviour at all! Unless you can get to the root of his behaviour though you cannot start to deal with it. I would recommend family counselling

Is that what you did with your off the rails, out of control, nearly adult teenager? It might help the OP if you could tell her how you got them to engage in shit like that?

Send another message to his dad saying you’re reporting him to the police for theft. He’ll be lifted but will be unable to come back here so he’ll have to take him.

I don’t think you have any other choice OP. At least with the police involved he’s got a decent chance of supporter accommodation.

OliviaBenson · 21/01/2018 10:40

I'd call the police too as they will be in a position to advise your ex that your son needs to stay with him instead

underthebluemoon · 21/01/2018 10:41

Could he have PDA or ODD? Just a thought.

Sorry, it sounds very stressful.

QuickSod · 21/01/2018 10:42

You've had the patience of a Saint op. Didn't you get any support when he was younger and being excluded? Don't let him in.

drinkswineoutofamug · 21/01/2018 10:45

Phone the police report a theft.
Change the locks
Tell Dad you are not having him back

KayaG · 21/01/2018 10:46

Police and refuse to have him home.

BarbarianMum · 21/01/2018 10:46

My df is is his 80s, has dementia and is still living with and supporting an aggressive drug addict by choice Green . This makes ensuring he has adequate care and doesn't go bankrupt extremely difficult . My mum has had to move out of the family home because it is too dangerous for her to stay and now goes in every day to make sure my dad eats, takes his medication, gets to his doctors appointments etc. She also lends money when my dbro has blown through his pension to quickly and there's nothing left. I spend a lot of my time dealing with banks, solicitors and social services being told there is nothing we can do but try and limit the damage even though we all agree thst its a dangerous situation (esp for my dad) that won't end well. I love my dad but he certainly bears responsibility for creating this monster (the situation) and for helping my brother destroy himself and yes I am at times furious with him.

thethoughtfox · 21/01/2018 10:47

You are not making him homeless he has a father. Contact social services and tell them so they can offer support.

Moanaohnana · 21/01/2018 10:47

Yes I'd call the police re the theft. It's the kindest thing to do.

I would also offer him a home to live in under certain conditions such as getting a job or a college place, no drugs in the home, he goes to the GP about drug addiction, no further theft etc. Make it very clear he's on his last warning, but give him a last chance.

LadyIsabellaWrotham · 21/01/2018 10:48

Does he steal from his father?

ghostyslovesheets · 21/01/2018 10:49

I really sympathise OP - I have a very challenging 15 year old - I called the police last week because she smashed the house up and threatened to set fire to her room - because she failed a mock exam (this is on top of a night of really disruptive and abusive behaviour)

I suspect she has ASD and or ODD - she wont engage with CAMHS or the school counsellor - wont accept support from anyone.

Social services wont get involved because she's not at risk - she has a loving home and parents who care - sadly we don't meet their threshold for intervention - we will be offered a family support person at best - who she will refuse to talk to.

I would report the theft, I would refuse to have him back - at 17 social services DO have a responsibility to support him - if his dad wont then he is a vulnerable child in need of intervention - but the best he will get is hostel / supported housing - you will get support though as a family - which might help

it's so hard - I feel for you Flowers

Itsanoceanlifeforme · 21/01/2018 10:50

I’ve been, still in really this situation with my youngest it’s a nightmare. My DS has ADHD so we have experienced all the above. There really is no help out there for them once they leave school. Early and inappropriate sexual behaviour has culminated in him fathering a child! Tbh even if you report it to the police it has little effect, the police will not come and take him away and keep him you are still stuck with him. My son has been charged with steeling our car and assault ( not on us) although his has been violent to us and even that has not changed his behaviour. I’m pretty sure he will end up in jail one day despite everything, and I mean everything, my DH and I have tried over the years.
My DH and I are together but it has almost broken us as people never mind as a couple. I agree his dad should step up for a change but if he doesn’t you need to investigate your options.
Does your local council have a young persons homeless service, ours used to?
There are other local to us charities that specialise in homeless young people if you have similar can you contact them for advice.
I’m sorry I have no magic answers, I just wanted to reassure you that you are not a bad parent. I too have an older DS who is living a good life.
You have my outmost sympathy.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 21/01/2018 10:50

Hi OP, inform his Father, that the locks will be changed, not to return him, and mean it. Enough is enough.
Ring the Police and tell them about the theft, your Son needs a big wake up call.
Do this for you, for your Son and the rest of your family. Tough love.
I really feel for you, it's time for change.💐

Eliza9917 · 21/01/2018 10:52

Did u post about him over Christmas? Is he the boy that let his mate in after you said no?

alotalotalot · 21/01/2018 10:53

Tough love. Sometimes you have to reach rock bottom before you can sort yourself up. Calling the police may be the best thing for him and a complete wake up call. If not then you have just reached the end of your tether.

alotalotalot · 21/01/2018 10:53

x post

WunWun · 21/01/2018 10:54

I agree with calling the police. It will help back things up with his dad taking him in and make him realise the seriousness of it.

RunningOutOfCharge · 21/01/2018 10:55

You need to drive the message Home with his dad

Drop his stuff round there today. Tell them to expect the police visit re the theft

ShinyStella · 21/01/2018 10:55

Phone emergency social services also, they have a responsibility for him until he's 18. Stress that u cannot have him living with u, tell them fully what he's been like and the impact on you. If his father doesn't step in they have to help him find appropriate housing, he's too old for a children's home but would go to a supported housing hostel. They'd be in his life until 18. He'd be their legal responsibility and not yours. I know this as it has been an option for a child I know due to their bad behaviour.

Tell the police too, you're doing him no favours by not reporting it as he'll no doubt steal from others throughout life and needs to learn the lessons now, plus he'd get help from youth justice as a juvenile.

Tough place to be but u know what u have to do.

Act now, it's what's best for him - and you.

Oooocrikeyitscold · 21/01/2018 10:55

I’m going to go against individuals but I really wouldn’t call the police, this country is very unforgiving to those with any type of criminal conviction and will end his future at least in the interim.

Sounds like you have another option of not letting him home. This may make him see sense and prevent you having to go to the police. Such a shame you can’t get him to engage with a counsellor. This may sound weird but I’m also a massive advocate for sports/hobbies-an inventive in their life/a purpose, is there nothing his passionate about (other than drugs etc)

NewYearNewMe18 · 21/01/2018 10:57

From personal experience the police will do nothing except sigh heavily and say "you're his mother, you wont press charges in the end" .

However, come the day of his 18th birthday, when he does legally become an adult, there will be a marked change in behaviour, keeping within certain lines, simply because he knows you don't have to be legally responsible for him any longer.

It's an utterly miserable journey when you have one child like this (and the others conform to societal standards), the impact on others is horrendous

Ledkr · 21/01/2018 10:57

Better now than when hes18 as at17 he will qualify for emergency housing if he presents to the council as homeless.
My eldest was the same.
I kicked him out after he'd stolen 200 pounds.
He's lovely now and 33 and says I did the right thing!

another20 · 21/01/2018 10:58

Has your xH been involved with you in a partnership dealing with your DS to date? If not expect little of him, but still push for him to be responsible, change the locks and report to police.

You have tried and tried and tried. Sounds like he has a PD or MH issue. You cannot manage this anymore - best he feels the consequences and is managed by professionals.

A better outcome for all is to change the dynamic. As fairenough said up thread he may well turn things around. But you will need support yourself to cope with the detachment and probably to "cope" with him all your life - have a look at this website outofthefog.website/who-we-are/

You have done an amazing job coping with this to date and bringing up another son so well along side this.

You are not dealing with "normal" here - you are not equipped to deal with this. You have done too much for too long. Best thing is making him feel the consequences and looking after yourself now - you deserve it.