To not let my 17 year old back in the home?

[TakeMeToTheUSA]

17 year old son has been going off the rails for years, lying, stealing, drug taking, fighting. His father and I broke up when he was 2. I'm now remarried and my husband has really tried with him (for 6 years) but it's all too much. DH has to lock his coat in the cupboard on a night time otherwise his wallet gets raided. DS1 wants a lock in his bedroom door as all his stuff keeps going missing. We have to take the door keys to bed with us on a night otherwise he sneaks his dodgy mates into the house in the early hours. He doesn't work or go to college or do anything other that take drugs.

I have tried to seek help, I've contacted social services, the police, connections, drug support, mental health team - nobody will help me.

Anyway earlier in the week he asked to borrow some change for the bus. I went to my bag where I knew I had some money and it had gone. He denied all knowledge. I questioned myself but deep down I knew he'd taken it.

Anyway it came to a head last night when I went to bed and intuition told me to check my bedside table where I had an envelope containing £100 from my 84 year old grandmother. It was money she was planning to leave me when she died but instead decided to give it out while she's still here so she can seems spend it. It had gone. DS was at his dads at the time so I messaged him asking why he'd taken it and did he realise he'd stolen my inheritance money from my one surviving grandparent? Yes he fucking knew because the envelope said exactly what it was. He just didn't give a shit.

I'm so hurt. I feel like I don't even like him anymore and have told him to not come back here and that he no longer lives here. I've also told his dad what he's done and told him not to bring him back.

I do not want him here anymore. The kid has caused me years of misery and stress and I'm done.

AIBU to simply decide now that he no longer lives here?? I simply cannot cope with him anymore and no fucker will help me so I'm throwing in the towel.

What he lacked, I think TakeMe, is the interest and input of his dad. Okay, it didn't work out between you two, but don't you think that your ex is just going through the motions and doing the minimum for the lad when he should be doing much more? Don't get me wrong I do not agree or condone your son's behaviour, but I do agree with other posters here that your ex should step up. You say that when you send texts about your son going to live at your ex's place he ignores them and returns him home at 3pm? No. Agree with others, change the locks, don't let him in etc. it will be heartbreaking, but you've done all you reasonably can. As for the school psychologist who suggested that your son lacked discipline - this is an easy get-out clause from someone who lacks knowledge. Would it be a good idea to have a meeting with his dad - just his dad and you - to hammer out some of the difficulties. Could he, for example, come with you to some of the agencies that you've said are failing you and give his input? What about your GP? You sound at the end of your tether, and clearly your son needs help. Sadly, you have to be persistent with this to the point of making a nuisance of yourself to get anywhere now.

It's a bit rich that your ex doesn't want your (and his) son living with him because his new GF won't like it. Tough. She knew that he had kids from a previous relationship and that he should be there for them. If you still want your marriage to work, then you need a period where your son lives elsewhere while you hopefully can get back on track. Do not allow your ex to treat you in this condescending and selfish way.

I would send him abroad for a year on some kind of charity programme or something like that, perhaps Australian outback but certainly not have him back home if he is doing nothing and not working or studying.

Pitcairn Island is desperate for new settlers by the way - I read an article by a journalist who visited there recently. Could be the making of him.

england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/your_situation/homeless_help_your_situation_-_16_and_17_year_olds

He is not of age. He is not an adult. He is still under children’s services. Saying he is adult a) doesn’t make it so and b) is really very unhelpful to the OP

^^ Fairenuff said it.

If his Dad does drop him back, can you afford a cheap B&B for him for a couple of nights? I can completely understand why you are at the end of your tether with him, but I don't think you can realistically throw him out with nowhere to go. Can you make it clear that you still love him, and will support him as far as you can, but you can't continue to put up with his behaviour in your home? Maybe a couple of days without his home comforts will make him think. At the least it will give you a breather to work out what to do next.

People seem reluctant to accept that he is a minor. He is a drug addicted thief and also he is a minor. You can’t treat him like an adult and suggest adult solutions just because those are the easier ones. The OP obviously has a very good grasp of her situation, some of the people here giving advice seem like they want to change reality to fit their narrative of what should happen to drug addicted thieves.

No one said he is an adult but he will be housed in emergency accomodation. If his dad doesnt realise his mum is serious and keep him that is.

My daughter was/is a shit . She put herself in care at 16. Kicked out at 17 by foster parents - she went through 3 !
I've done 25 court appearance with her.
She was put in supported living as she was permanently kick out of care at 18.
Got evicted due to behaviour.
Put in a hostel. Evicted due to behaviour and drinking
Put in a B&B , evicted , drinking, behaviour and criminal damage.
Was returned here by the police .
Was here a month before she was sent to styal for 3 months.
Since she was released, no problems with drink, but she was taking a lot of cocaine. She attacked me. I had her arrested. That was the turning point. She realised I wasn't taking it anymore. Recently she's split up with the girlfriend she was doing coke with. I'm hoping it's going to get better.
My point is OP, at some point you have to say , enough is enough. It's called tough love and I wish I had listened to my friends, and other posters on this site and the one that cannot be named. For 5 years she made my life hell until I put my foot down.

www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/8260/Provision_20of_20accommodation.pdf

Gov guidelines for housing homeless 17 year olds here.

To cut a long story short you don't have to provide him a home especially as it's putting you at potential risk and SS will be under a duty to ensure he has accommodation but they wont like it. It is 'recognised' that parental or other family home is usually best so there will be great pressure on you to change your mind because that's cheapest for them This includes his father. I'd advise you to put your foot down and refuse because this may be the only way to force some change from him, from his dad and from the authorities.

Good luck. It sounds devastating for you.

Ofcourse the op can kick him out! She isn't legally responsible for him till he is 18 at all. No one can make force her to have him back there. My mum kicked me and all my siblings out at 16 (it's just what she does we never done anything wrong) no one forced her to have us back because she was "legally responsible"

Report him for theft, please. For your sake and for societies sake. My brother is your son. From no age he was stealing, taking drugs, running away, fighting, hurting people. He’s the oldest and all we knew growing up was keeping our prized possessions on us otherwise they’d go missing around the same times he’d go on another bender. My mother is a single parent. She went to court, she reported him, she tried everything. He’s 33 now, he’s been arrested so many times but somehow, never gets a long sentence. Christmas Day, he choked my mom and threw her out in the street after breaking into her house. All cause she wouldn’t give him money. She pressed charges again and he’s on the run now. You know that you are doing all that you can but he is a criminal, he’s stealing - report him, have him arrested and maybe, maybe this will stop him but you may have to come to terms with the fact that he is not a nice person. He’s 17 not 10, he knows what he’s doing, he doesn’t care. He’ll be 18 soon, an adult. He’ll find someone else to steal from. He will get worse before he gets better. You need to take care of yourself and treat him like the adult he thinks he is.

Don’t give in! My step mum gave in when my Step Brother went off the rails. She threw him out, let him come back repeatedly. Never stood firm.

4 years later she has a 22 year old, weed smoking, freeloading slacker bumming around her home. She freely admits now that she suspects that he will never move out.

Social services can't force you to have him bck that's totally not true. My mum kicked me out at 16 ss was never involved and I had to make a homeless application to the council who put me in temporary acc.

Here's what I would do:

Pack up his things, everything in bags.

Have it ready in the hallway for his return.

Write up a contract agreeing room and board in exchange for...doesn't have to be money, can be acceptable behaviour. List specifically what is expected. List unacceptable behaviour that will result in a warning. List behaviour that will result in eviction. State the local homeless phoneline so he knows you are serious. State how many warnings will result in eviction. State that anything that would be a crime outside of the home will also be considered a crime within the home and the police will be contacted. Explain it is not good for him to escape legal consequences, tell him (with conviction) that you strongly believe that even though hard, this will be for the best.

Tell him he can "move back in" if he signs up to the terms of the contract. Treat him like the adult he almost is and ask if there is anything he wants to negotiate -it will be worth wording it so there are some things you can know you can "give" on such as curfews. This will make him an active participant and more likely to commit to it.

Only once he is signed up to it does he move his stuff back to his room. You both keep a copy and stick to it.

Yes, it's a hassle to pack and move his stuff, but it is a strong message that will show 1) you are serious and 2)how easy it will be to do it again if the contract is broken.

You can do all this will still being loving and kind by reminding him you have a duty to support him to become a responsible adult who can manage a tenancy, finances and living within the law...that you strongly believe this is necessary for his future wellbeing and happiness.

Nobody wants to wash their hands on their child but unless the op does so then SS services won't step in. They need to be forced to.

Nobody is saying that the op should never have anything to do with her son ever again. She can make it clear she will be there for him. He just can't actually live with her any more.

I'm speaking from experience Qvar.

DN was 17, college drop out, thief, drug addict, etc.

Had many, many chances.

Was finally told as he couldn't stick to house rules he couldn't live there.

Went to stay with druggie friends.

Lost lots of weight. Clothes filthy. Depressed.

Eventually sought help and got housed.

Ditched all druggie friends.

Got help to claim benefits, budget and look after self.

Got back onto college course.

Re-built relationships with family members.

Is now clean, healthy, away from old 'friends'

Living with depression but managing it better.

Appreciates family and wants to spend time with them.

Is respectful and loving.

ALL OF THIS HAPPENED WITHIN SIX MONTHS OF HIM LEAVING HOME.

Not saying it's going to work for everyone but it certainly won't work if OP puts up with this until he is 18 and then he leaves and won't qualify for any help at all.

He will just be on the streets at 18 instead of 17. Tackling it now means that he will be able to get a chance to change things. That will be so much harder when he's an adult as many services have a cut off age of 18.

PS I would do something like this before going to the police on this occasion (sunless you have already tried something similar). I can understand other posters saying so and don't think they are wrong, but I think sometimes, especially with our children, we have to clearly outline the rules of the "game" particularly if they are changing with age or represent a change from previous.

His dad says he can't stay

Text him back and tell him he can't stay with you either, and give his dad the number for OOH children's services.

Leave him to sort it out.

I was at university aged 17. It did me no harm. It is not a particularly young age. Can he not be sent on some kind of programme with accommodation provided. Why not try to sit down with him and work out where he would like to be? State b oarding school?

If you allow him back, nothing will change and he will treat continue to everyone around him as badly as he does now. It's in the best interests of all you to say enough is enough now and let him make his own way in the world.

I totally agree with Fairenuff, if you continue forgiving him and let him back in, nothing will ever change. I have a 16 years old who was being slightly destructive if he wouldn't get his way. He smashed the window once and I called the Non emergency police number and told them that I don't want him arrested but just want to teach him a lesson. He was very scared when the police turned up and has never done anything desructive again. I really feel for you but hope you manage to turn this situation around. 🤞

Just to say, social services will have an Emergency Duty Team, you will be able to find their phone number on line. Stress to them the extremely urgent nature and if there isn't immediate action you don't know what will happen. That will push their buttons and should ensure immediate action. It will also get him into the system as a priority.

I was you, OP, I first threw him out at 17, and a pp was correct, it wasn't for his own good, it was for self preservation. Keeping him out was a different matter, he was 25 before I managed that. Years of him living like an animal in his room and all the doors in the house locked.

10 dreadful, hopeless years when I wished him dead.

We had a lovely, happy home until he became a teenager, by the time he was 25 me and his father were exhausted, but still hanging in there together. People judge, they don't have a clue, they ask if we've seen him recently, thankfully we haven't.

I suppose I just want to say OP, that some of us really do understand and wish you lots of luck. It's a very hard road. x

Housing would house him here at 16.

Here too, Fucksake. He'd be placed in supported accommodation for 16-22 year olds, and if there wasn't a vacancy, they'd put him in b&b until there was.

Take his stuff round to his dad’s and tell him, that if he can’t or won’t have him then he can sort out an alternative because you’ve reached the end of the road with him. We’ve had to do the same with dss in the past for the same reasons, it’s a heartbreaking position to be in. Dss has turned his life around now but it took being committed for drug induced psychosis before he was prepared to accept help.

longta Looking back then how would you have done things differently? Should the op refuse to have him back and stick to it? That would have saved you the 8 extra years of abuse from him?