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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my 17 year old back in the home?

234 replies

TakeMeToTheUSA · 21/01/2018 10:05

17 year old son has been going off the rails for years, lying, stealing, drug taking, fighting. His father and I broke up when he was 2. I'm now remarried and my husband has really tried with him (for 6 years) but it's all too much. DH has to lock his coat in the cupboard on a night time otherwise his wallet gets raided. DS1 wants a lock in his bedroom door as all his stuff keeps going missing. We have to take the door keys to bed with us on a night otherwise he sneaks his dodgy mates into the house in the early hours. He doesn't work or go to college or do anything other that take drugs.

I have tried to seek help, I've contacted social services, the police, connections, drug support, mental health team - nobody will help me.

Anyway earlier in the week he asked to borrow some change for the bus. I went to my bag where I knew I had some money and it had gone. He denied all knowledge. I questioned myself but deep down I knew he'd taken it.

Anyway it came to a head last night when I went to bed and intuition told me to check my bedside table where I had an envelope containing £100 from my 84 year old grandmother. It was money she was planning to leave me when she died but instead decided to give it out while she's still here so she can seems spend it. It had gone. DS was at his dads at the time so I messaged him asking why he'd taken it and did he realise he'd stolen my inheritance money from my one surviving grandparent? Yes he fucking knew because the envelope said exactly what it was. He just didn't give a shit.

I'm so hurt. I feel like I don't even like him anymore and have told him to not come back here and that he no longer lives here. I've also told his dad what he's done and told him not to bring him back.

I do not want him here anymore. The kid has caused me years of misery and stress and I'm done.

AIBU to simply decide now that he no longer lives here?? I simply cannot cope with him anymore and no fucker will help me so I'm throwing in the towel.

OP posts:
PinkHeart5914 · 21/01/2018 12:14

This boy is a nasty little thief. Stealing off his step father to the point he had to lock his wallet away, stealing off his sibling and taking his own mothers inheritance and not even caring his done it.

This boy is effecting the life of his sibling, I mean they have asked for a lock to be put on the bedroom door! His causing OP and her dh un told stress and will steal anything that isn’t nailed down

Let his father keep the stealing Little shit, and text you ds and tell him he stays with dad now as you will not be stole from so he’s not welcome at your home anymore.

Alternatively report him to the police for the stealing

All the time you let him live there and steal off you, he will never change. Taking action of whatever type you choose is the only way

alotalotalot · 21/01/2018 12:15

Then I'd still take a bag round to his dads and tell him to call SS.

If they come round to yours he'll barge his way in when you open the door to give him his stuff.
Advice still the same as a couple of posts ago.

ptumbi · 21/01/2018 12:15

OP - 17 is an adult, in many people's eyes.

A person I knew chucked her 15yo DD out - she went to a YMCA hostel to live. They struggled with her too - nailed her window shut to stop her letting other kids/addicts/wastrels in. She was allowed back into the family a few years later, and bullied her younger sisters.

She is about 21 now and the biggest bitch in history.

ANYWAY - you can chuck him out. Can't SS help with accommodation? Or Shelter?

ptumbi · 21/01/2018 12:17

His dad says he can't stay - and you say he can't stay at your either. Stick to it.

Police then.

Fairenuff · 21/01/2018 12:18

'His dad says he can't stay'

Good. Now you need to do the same OP. Present a united front. Deep breath. You can do it. Start packing up a few bits for him.

You can do this. It will be the greatest gift you can ever give your son.

Original poster
TakeMeToTheUSA · 21/01/2018 12:21

But realistically do I just leave him out on the street? Where will he go? I'm adamant he can't come back here but I don't know what he SHOULD do now?

Can't get in touch with SS until tomorrow

OP posts:
ShinyStella · 21/01/2018 12:22

Don't get into a debate with his father or gut son. Repeat he's not coming back back to yours. If the father won't have him there then he'll have to sort something else and not you.

Make it very clear he's not getting back in, let the police know about the stealing and have them follow that through. If he gets arrested don't give him a bail address/agree for him to be returned to your home - at that pony police have to contact social seri des who will have to ensure he has somewhere to stay.

Be strong with social services too, if u show any weakness or say you're prepared to accept the risk of him with you then they'll let him go back to you, as that'll be the problem solved for them. But u want to do what's best for him and that's for him to learn a few lessons here

Plus for yourself he needs to go.

Difficult decisions

Mxyzptlk · 21/01/2018 12:23

His dad says he can't stay

His dad can help him with his homelessness application then.

I hope you're not going to lie down and let your son trample right over you and back into your home (helped by a few kicks from his dad).

If you are, remember never to leave anything valuable anywhere that is not under lock and key.

Qvar · 21/01/2018 12:23

Making a 17 year old homeless is not a gift, it’s a self preservation action, but let’s not pretend anyone is doing the child a favour here.

Contact social services and advise them that due to his abusive behaviour he will not be coming back in. They have a duty to find a place for him, whether they will rise to that is unknown.

ShinyStella · 21/01/2018 12:23

There will be an emergency number for social services out of hours, it's called the gateway service where I am. Google out of hours emergency social services for your area, they operate 24 hours a day

Bettyswitch · 21/01/2018 12:24

Pack his stuff and take it to his dads!
Tell him if he cant stay there to drop him off at the nearest hostel/homeless shelter. If he does come around dont let him in and if he kicks off call the police.
Its time to make him stand on his own two feet.

starbrightnight · 21/01/2018 12:24

This is a terrible situation for you, OP, and you have clearly and justifiably had enough. Sometimes tough love is the only thing that works in the long term.

I would make it clear to your ex and your son that he can no longer live at your address. Then I would get someone in to change the locks, then I would check in for an overnight stay at a local Premier Inn or something (with your H) so you are not there when (if) your son returns.

If you find he has broken in then call the Police. Make it clear to all concerned that your son does not live at this address and he has broken in. That is a crime and the Police will have to deal with the outcome. That might mean they involve social services who may find him somewhere to stay.

Regardless, you have done enough, and have understandably had enough. Good luck.

Mxyzptlk · 21/01/2018 12:24

*kicks to you, that is, not to son.

Qvar · 21/01/2018 12:24

Take me, there will be an emergency social worker in duty, they don’t just shut down because it’s sunday.

Spadequeen · 21/01/2018 12:25

Pack his stuff up and take it to his dads. Neither of them think you mean it. Show them you do.

gamerchick · 21/01/2018 12:25

But realistically do I just leave him out on the street? Where will he go? I'm adamant he can't come back here but I don't know what he SHOULD do now?

Get him lifted for theft. Tell the police they’ll have to keep him in the cells or release him back to his father. Then tomorrow SS will have to take him on and find him supported accommodation.

A night in the cells may be what he needs. This is the part that needs nerves of steel. His dad can say no easily, why should you be the one to back down?

RavenWings · 21/01/2018 12:26

Your first duty of care in this situation is to yourself, your husband and other son.

Do not let him back in. Repeat to your ex that he will not be coming back to yours and ex will have to sort something with your son. He's his father, after all.

I have a brother who made life a living hell (slightly different circumstances) because he was let away with absolutely everything he did. If my parents had followed their duty of care to themselves and other children, it would have been much better for us.

JingsMahBucket · 21/01/2018 12:28

But realistically do I just leave him out on the street? Where will he go? I'm adamant he can't come back here but I don't know what he SHOULD do now?

He’s wily, he’ll figure out where to go. Pack up about week’s worth of clothes in a few suitcases and leave them outside the house. Get an emergency locksmith. When his dad returns with him, don’t open the door. Most dads won’t just leave their kids there and your ex will most likely take him back.

Change all your banking/online passwords now so he doesn’t try to order anything through your accounts.

Sometimes people really are just psychologically “bad eggs” and need to be instutionalized in some way. So it goes.

TheHobbitMum · 21/01/2018 12:29

Be strong OP and don't let your ex railroad you, he has to step up now. I'd also call the police it could be the wake up your DS needs. Totally shit situation you've lived in and you don't have done your best till now. Lock your doors & don't answer at 3pm Flowers

GreenTulips · 21/01/2018 12:29

Pack his bags and drop them off - job done

Call the police and have him charged.

Good luck

Fairenuff · 21/01/2018 12:30

But realistically do I just leave him out on the street?

Yes he might spend a night or two on the streets. That will be the first wake up call and possibly the biggest. It's more likely that a friend will let him sleep on their sofa.

Where will he go?

That will be for him to sort out. He wants to be independent, make his own choices - let him. This will be the next wake up call - no more free board. Fantastic lesson for him to learn.

I'm adamant he can't come back here but I don't know what he SHOULD do now?

You need to detach. It's the hardest thing to do but it is necessary. Let him face up to where he has put himself. This could be the making of him but he won't do it if he has the easy option to fall back on.

alotalotalot · 21/01/2018 12:30

It's up to his dad now. You have left him in the care of his dad. YOU haven't dumped him. It's up to his dad whether he stays with him or contacts SS. You may want to give him the emergency SS telephone number but that is as far as you should go.
Take his things around to his dads. If he won't accept them then tell him you are leaving them on the doorstep and walk away. He's got to know you mean business. If you do eventually let him back if he promises to change, then it is on condition that this is his very last chance. And make sure you stick to it.

OverTheParapet · 21/01/2018 12:31

You can call the SS duty desk number.

Text ExH and tell him if he doesn't take him until SS will take your son then he can drop him at the police station

BarbarianMum · 21/01/2018 12:31

His dad sats he can't stay. Fine then his dad can sort him out w social services (emergency social workers are available at weekends btw).

Sooner or later you are going to have to stand up for yourself if you don't want to live like this. Much easier to get support if he's 17. By 18 no one will want to know.

baddadtogoodmum · 21/01/2018 12:35

Feel for you - have a look at this please;

www.teenbootcamps.org/