To not let my 17 year old back in the home?

[TakeMeToTheUSA]

17 year old son has been going off the rails for years, lying, stealing, drug taking, fighting. His father and I broke up when he was 2. I'm now remarried and my husband has really tried with him (for 6 years) but it's all too much. DH has to lock his coat in the cupboard on a night time otherwise his wallet gets raided. DS1 wants a lock in his bedroom door as all his stuff keeps going missing. We have to take the door keys to bed with us on a night otherwise he sneaks his dodgy mates into the house in the early hours. He doesn't work or go to college or do anything other that take drugs.

I have tried to seek help, I've contacted social services, the police, connections, drug support, mental health team - nobody will help me.

Anyway earlier in the week he asked to borrow some change for the bus. I went to my bag where I knew I had some money and it had gone. He denied all knowledge. I questioned myself but deep down I knew he'd taken it.

Anyway it came to a head last night when I went to bed and intuition told me to check my bedside table where I had an envelope containing £100 from my 84 year old grandmother. It was money she was planning to leave me when she died but instead decided to give it out while she's still here so she can seems spend it. It had gone. DS was at his dads at the time so I messaged him asking why he'd taken it and did he realise he'd stolen my inheritance money from my one surviving grandparent? Yes he fucking knew because the envelope said exactly what it was. He just didn't give a shit.

I'm so hurt. I feel like I don't even like him anymore and have told him to not come back here and that he no longer lives here. I've also told his dad what he's done and told him not to bring him back.

I do not want him here anymore. The kid has caused me years of misery and stress and I'm done.

AIBU to simply decide now that he no longer lives here?? I simply cannot cope with him anymore and no fucker will help me so I'm throwing in the towel.

Could he have PDA or ODD?

That’s not an excuse for criminal behaviour in an almost adult . He knows what he is doing and is actively choosing to do those things.

I’m in no way professing to be an expert on this but I’m inclined to think ADHD or similar. If so, getting the police involved won’t necessarily help, as what he needs is assessment and support.

You and your OH have a right to assert your rules and expectations in your own home though. Don’t have him back till he repays you what he owes.

for you, it sounds like a shit situation.

I really feel for you. It’s very hard on you but for the sake of all of you, be tough and follow through with boundaries. Tell your son that you love him because he is your son, but you don’t like the person he has become and you no longer want to live with him. Make sure he knows you will support him when he’s ready to do something to stop life passing him by. I would change the locks so that the stealing stops immediately. Good luck.

I agree with not calling the police. That is at worst, going to result in a criminal conviction and at 'best' do lasting damage to your relationship. You can't continue to live like this Op. He can't continue to live in your home. You need to get professional help. As he's under 18, perhaps social services will provide support. I have a challenging 18 year old, Op. You have my sympathies.
I also know someone who had to bar their child (early 20s) for similar reasons. It was painful but eventually he got his act together. I saw him yesterday actually, walking with his gf and their dog. He looked so much healthier.
I can't believe your son isn't in any form of training or education. How did that happen? He needs to find some direction or focus in his life or drugs will always be at the centre.
Good luck Op.

OP: I really feel for you. I’d be calling the police and making the father take responsibility. I’d also get a lock for your other sons door to protect his stuff as well.

I think it’s the hair that broke the camels back to be honest and you don’t deserve to be treated this way

I agree with fair, dragon & sugar, he has another parent; he needs to step up and have him. You need to report the theft as he needs to have real consequences for his actions.

You're not doing him any favours by enabling his behaviour. You're not a bad parent, but you need to start showing tough love, otherwise he will never learn or change.

I remember your previous threads, so being nice obviously hasn't worked. He needs a serious wake up call.

If your ex brings him back don't let him in. Deadlock the doors if you have to and involve the police. You need to take a stand.

Maybe if he sees you mean it he'll start to respect you, because he obviously has no respect for you at the moment.

By kicking him out, you'll actually be doing him a favour in the long term; he needs to take responsibility for his own life and behaviours and he can't do that as long as you're there picking up the pieces, and accepting his crappy treatment of you and your house.

I'm sorry you've gone through this and still are.

I am one of five and the second oldest.My older brother stole a significant amount of money from my parents when he was 17, almost 6 figures. My parents were very hurt, but decided not to report him, after all they thought he is our son.

That was the start of it.

Over the next few years he started committing fraud with others, I was 15/16 and remember bailiffs coming round trying to collect the debts he owed and my parents and younger siblings being affected by this all. My mum kicked him out at 18 and he flat shared with strangers. He was miserable and begged my parents to let him return. A few months later he returned.

My parents asked him to work at the family business, where he was very lazy and started stealing again. He took my mums bank card and would pay for Items on it and leave my mum to deal with the consequences. He did this for a number of years before he got tried to scam the wrong people and was beaten up and left on the side of the road.

Anyway, he's 30 now, with a wife and child. I'm afraid I can't say he has changed 100%, he has a lot of the same tendencies, can't handle money so his wages go into his wife's account. He recently got into 25k debt and my mum gave him 10k to pay off part of it.

Like many others on here, I would advise that you support him, he is still after all a child however, he will take a very long time to change, if at all. You need to protect yourself and your other kids. If that means kicking him out at 18 and letting him deal with life himself and supporting him in the form of advice, a shoulder to cry on, a meal every now and again. Nothing more.

My brothers behaviour and tortured my parents for years and they seem to prioritise his despicable behaviour over all of their other kids successful lives and it hurts but I can understand as a parent, your kids are your kids.

Good luck.

You don't deserve to be treated this way and you need to show him that he's crossed the line and that you won't tolerate it any longer. Good luck.

One day, when he's matured, he'll be grateful to you for taking this stand.

OP, you sound at the end of your tether. I agree with Lekr, call the police now that he's 17 as there are more options to help him whilst he's still a minor.

I would call the police, it might be the wake up call he needs, what else can you do?

His dad should step up and help out more.

Call the police and chuck him out.

A close friend had similar problems with her son at that age. He was forever stealing from them. When they started keeping money hidden or locked away, he stole all her jewellery and his great-grandfather's Rolex, sold the lot for a tiny fraction of what they were worth.

They bought a safe and put all their money and valuables in it. He nicked his dad's golf clubs, their tv, phones and loads of other stuff including my friend's work laptop and sold it all. He also took his father's car, and got arrested driving it while off his head. That was the last straw. They refused to have him back home and he was placed in supported accommodation for young people.

He got prosecuted for theft, drugs and a whole raft of motoring offences and only got away without a custodial sentence because he was under 18 and was having intensive counselling and going to NA.

Two years later he was a changed character. It was the wake-up call he needed.

His father is still ignoring me so I have no idea if he will turn up here later or not.

I have a ‘difficult’ teen too.

I’ve said if he behaves this way when he’s over 16 I’ll change the locks.

Dp doesn’t think I’ll follow through with that though.

It is easier said than done.

I wouldn’t call the police. If he gets a record it will be almost impossible for him to turn his life around later.

That doesn't matter. YOU have to take a stand regardless of what everyone else does. You are the only person who can help him. You have to do the right things and parent this child.

By that I mean show him the consequences of his choices. Don't let him back in the house. Get those family and friends that are supportive to help you stick to this.

This is what my DB did. Anytime he felt himself feeling sorry for the boy or wavering in his decision, he called me, or our other brother or his in laws or his friends. We all said the same. Teach the child what being independent looks like. It's the only way he will learn.

Where he goes is not your problem any more. It will honestly be the making of him.

Can you pack some of your sons things and take them round to his dads?

That way there can be no confusion and no reason to return to your home.

Why aren't you talking to the police?

Could you go round to his dad's with some of his stuff he will need and speak to them so they are both clear he is not coming home?

Have you called the police?

Have you told your son he can't come home?

Don't let him in, if they do turn up.

yes be proactive. Take some stuff round to his dads. Make sure you tell him that he is welcome home when he is really prepared to change.

If he promises he will change now, then you tell him that he has to or he will be told to leave again. And mean it. And tell him you thought about calling the police but that you won't this time, but you will the next time.

He has to understand this his last chance and that you will carry it through.

If they arrive, and you let son back in, that is you being completely disrespected and bullied by both of them. Don't let that happen!

If dad won't have him, son and dad can get onto social services and sort something out.

I think you have a responsibility to your other son and your DH to keep this disruptive and negative person out of their lives. Absolutely time for his DF to step up and have a turn at dealing with him. You've gone above and beyond, and he is still abusing your trust. Draw a line in the sand and stick to it, otherwise you will lose DH and your other DS over it.

Tell your son and his father (by text is fine) that he is now his fathers responsibility. That if he turns up at your house you will not let him in and you will call the police. Be very clear, mean it and if he turns up, do it.

He NEEDS this to be taken seriously. He either needs to sort his shit out or get help and he cannot do either under your roof.

Tough love is hard, but that’s where you’re at.

Good luck.

His dad says he can't stay