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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give in to wedding guests demands

329 replies

14spanner · 21/01/2018 03:36

This may seem trivial but I can’t sleep due to the cheeky fuckery here.

DP are getting married in August. It is a very small wedding with only 12 guests (all family apart from my bridesmaid & her husband).

We have hired a cottage for the full weekend for the celebrations and intended it to be more like a family weekend away than a wedding.

Due to the small number of people the cottage could accommodate I have been unable to invite my brother who lives overseas. although he is upset he has been completely understanding. The venue has been booked since 2016.

In December DP’s sister announced that her and her partner were unhappy at being allocated a twin ensuite room at the cottage so to avoid drama I moved my bridesmaid and her DH into the twin so SIL and partner could have the double (not ensuite but with a dedicated bathroom directly opposite).

Last night I received a text asking if they could be moved to an ensuite room as her DP simply ‘couldn’t live without one’ and he won’t be attending unless he gets one.

My DP and I aren’t even staying in an ensuite room or even in the main cottage with the other guests. we have taken a room in the coach house as we thought putting guests away from the main house would make them feel unwelcome.

DP and I are paying for everything, cottage hire, caterers, cars, entertainment, drinks etc. All people need to do is turn up, eat, drink & be merry. We have requested cards only (no gifts).

WIBU to tell this guy not to come and move SIL into a twin room with another family member. This would mean I could invite my brother.

DP and I have met this guy twice.

My DP is going round to his mums later where SIL will be. I would like a resolution today so if you lovely vipers could help me with how to respond to the request I’d be most grateful.

OP posts:
lilypoppet · 22/01/2018 21:04

Snorkfavor's idea is good. It does seem a shame you've had to exclude your brother

Bingbongband · 22/01/2018 21:10

Tell them that you've moved them into a double at their requested and that means they will have their own bathroom rather than an ensuite. Say there aren't any other rooms available and if that's not suitable then you're sorry and they will be missed at the wedding.

Bingbongband · 22/01/2018 21:12

Yes, actually Snorkfavors idea. :)

FlashTheSloth · 22/01/2018 21:18

Are you returning @14spanner?

Cookie37 · 22/01/2018 22:02

Exactly what @Zampa said in the first reply.

caringcarer · 22/01/2018 22:23

Why not invite brother to replace space left by entitled cf.

willstarttomorrow · 22/01/2018 23:09

OK, just read the whole thread before replying. Mumsnet is a strange place!

Reading between the lines, and without the benefit of being party to conversations, my understanding is your brother lives a considerable distance away, attending would be difficult on several levels so it is understood that he could not attend therefore he was not officially invited. I am assuming you had a conversation as adults discussing this rather than just deciding to intentionally hurt your brother's feelings and not invite him.

You have chosen the wedding you want (which sounds rather lovely). It means people really close to you and your partner giving up a weekend. Rather like most weddings except in most cases guests are expected to travel to a hotel in the middle of nowhere, pay for their rooms and extras, sit through a service/reception identical to the last 5 weddings they have attended and then provide a gift.

Please do not get stressed by this. Thank SIL for letting you know that they do not feel able to attend and you are sorry that they cannot be there. Concentrate on having a lovely weekend with people you love, and who will be happy to be invited and part of your wedding. Most functioning adults I know with basic social skills are able to manage a day or two with strangers, particularly if they are there to share a happy event. In fact it usually makes an amazing few days and great party.

purplevamp · 22/01/2018 23:14

Your wedding, your rules. The end.

sneeders · 22/01/2018 23:17

Do ask your brother. Suggest to your sister in law and partner that they stay elsewhere as the accomodation doesn’t suit them

Wills · 22/01/2018 23:21

BrimFire - are you the OP's SIL (or PIL to SIL) in disguise? A wedding should be about the couple. Whether they don't want kids, or don't want a massive hotel etc at the end of the day they're taking their vows and only those who truly wish to be there should be - regardless of who fits the bill. I had the 'deluxe' wedding and hated it because of all my parents and inlaws friends. At the end of the day its their special event and should go as they wish in front of who they wish. Cut the crap and money - its just two people in love coming together to make a promise for the future. Unlike my wedding our marriage has been amazing and 20 years on we're still desperately in love. At the risk of sounding soppy if he turns up unexpected he still manages to make my heart skip a beat. A wedding is NOT about pomp and circumstance, no matter what magazines try to say, its about two people making a vow to each other. End! and ensuites and twin beds don't come into it. Could I turn back the clock I'd have more friends than family. My advice to the OP is invite those who you believe will be there in spirit as you make your vows - and if not - don't invite!

MadMaryBoddington · 23/01/2018 00:24

I had to go to a similar wedding a couple of years ago. Except that instead of a cottage, it was a French chateau. A rather rundown one. Dh and I and our two dc were allocated a room up in the attic; it was suffocatingly hot and stuffy with no air con or fan, and we couldn’t open the windows due to clouds of mosquitos coming up from the lake outside. The mattresses were ancient, lumpy and creeky, so when one of us turned over in the night everyone else woke up. We had to share a very basic bathroom with everyone else on that floor. There was enforced entertainment every night and communal cooking.

It was dire. I hated every second of it. But I sucked it up and got on with it, because it’s what the bride and groom wanted and because that’s what you do, isn’t it? I cannot begin to imagine the reaction there’d have been from my in-laws if I’d started making such demands. The very idea! So rude.

Geordie1944 · 23/01/2018 07:43

"Sorry, those are the arrangements we have made with everyone's needs and wishes in mind. If this doesn't suit you, then I will be happy to give you a list of local hotels and B & Bs where I'm sure you will be able to book ensuite accommodation for yourself. Looking forward to seeing you at the wedding."

BashStreetKid · 23/01/2018 08:13

I imagine they actually weren't delighted about sharing a loo with 11 others.

No-one's asking them to, Brimfire. It's a bathroom for that double room alone.

SandyDenny · 23/01/2018 09:08

BrimFire - are you the OP's SIL (or PIL to SIL) in disguise?

Yes, of course he/she is because no one could possibly have an opinion differrent to the majority without being the person involved.

ittakes2 · 23/01/2018 14:04

Sorry got stuck on the bit you didn’t invite your brother and he was disappointed!! Goodness sake - book a local B and B or something - it’s not the end of the world if someone is not sleeping in the sand house? You left him out as the cottage doesn’t have enough beds? Better still - book a local B and B for your demanding sister’n’law with an ensuite - sounds like you’ll be doing the other guests a favour!!

Tommo75 · 23/01/2018 15:06

My youngest is 10 and I can't get him moving each morning. I constantly remind him to get up followed by reminders to clean teeth and do hair. This morning every attempt I made to get him to hurry up failed. I explained I was going to be late for work and he replied "cool". No empathy at all. He is now banned from all electronics but would welcome advice or reassurance that they get better as they get older.

lilypoppet · 23/01/2018 18:06

Tommo I think you're on the wrong thread!

StaplesCorner · 23/01/2018 18:31

lily actually I think Tommo has a point; I mean, imagine all that and you didn't have an ensuite ...!!

MaggieFS · 23/01/2018 21:53

Maybe SIL's partner needs and en suite because of what he does with his electronics? Hmm

Lorddenning1 · 23/01/2018 22:36

I think the OP has abandoned her thread Hmm

Dianag111 · 30/01/2018 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Afternoon · 30/01/2018 10:26

Invite your brother and apologise for leaving him out.

Tell any cheeky moaners that if they don't like your accommodation they can find their own.

Original poster
14spanner · 07/02/2018 17:11

Update:

Firstly to answer a few questions.... there was a clause in the country house T’s & C’s which said that anyone not staying on the premises wasn’t allowed into the property and all rooms were already occupied (including coach house). The only people we could have moved out of their rooms to accommodate BIL (now known as Little Lord Fauntleroy or LLF thanks to a post on this thread) were our parents or us and I didn’t think that was appropriate.

DP spoke to SIL and explained the situation and the response was ‘it’s not good enough, LLF is not coming’. DP asked who they expected us to move and the response was ‘anyone’! Turns out they’d viewed the website and they wanted the bridal suite room with a jacuzzi bath & sauna, the room we’d allocated to my parents.

Since the phone call I have been painted as some sort of bridezilla and I knew deep down that there would be an atmosphere the whole weekend.

I have shed many a tear over the situation since it happened.

So DP & I discussed the whole thing and we have cancelled the country house booking, caterers, cars etc. We’ve lost our deposits but it’s a small price to pay for what would’ve been a miserable weekend.

The ceremony is still booked though and we have put a deposit on another venue which holds 180 at night and 40 through the day so totally different to our initial plans and is one day only.

I spoke with my DB and apologised profusely for getting all my priorities wrong and we are currently working out a way to get him over here (work situation permitting). He might even bring DN’s!! Squeeeeee 😊

The advice needed now is what do I put on SIL’s invite? Do I be the bigger person and address it to SIL and LLF or just SIL seeing as LLF said he wasn’t coming.

Thank you all for your honesty on this thread, I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
Myddognearlyatethedeliveryman · 07/02/2018 17:13

Def to sil +llf - literally. And when she asks for the meaning just tell her!! In fact I insist you print off this entire thread and hand it to her!!

Strokethefurrywall · 07/02/2018 17:15

Tell SIL that LLF is no longer welcome at the wedding. Done.

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