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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give in to wedding guests demands

329 replies

14spanner · 21/01/2018 03:36

This may seem trivial but I can’t sleep due to the cheeky fuckery here.

DP are getting married in August. It is a very small wedding with only 12 guests (all family apart from my bridesmaid & her husband).

We have hired a cottage for the full weekend for the celebrations and intended it to be more like a family weekend away than a wedding.

Due to the small number of people the cottage could accommodate I have been unable to invite my brother who lives overseas. although he is upset he has been completely understanding. The venue has been booked since 2016.

In December DP’s sister announced that her and her partner were unhappy at being allocated a twin ensuite room at the cottage so to avoid drama I moved my bridesmaid and her DH into the twin so SIL and partner could have the double (not ensuite but with a dedicated bathroom directly opposite).

Last night I received a text asking if they could be moved to an ensuite room as her DP simply ‘couldn’t live without one’ and he won’t be attending unless he gets one.

My DP and I aren’t even staying in an ensuite room or even in the main cottage with the other guests. we have taken a room in the coach house as we thought putting guests away from the main house would make them feel unwelcome.

DP and I are paying for everything, cottage hire, caterers, cars, entertainment, drinks etc. All people need to do is turn up, eat, drink & be merry. We have requested cards only (no gifts).

WIBU to tell this guy not to come and move SIL into a twin room with another family member. This would mean I could invite my brother.

DP and I have met this guy twice.

My DP is going round to his mums later where SIL will be. I would like a resolution today so if you lovely vipers could help me with how to respond to the request I’d be most grateful.

OP posts:
Delatron · 21/01/2018 17:23

She had the conversation with her brother though. I understand where she is coming from, she invites him and he feels under pressure to find the money for flights and leave his family for ages. They spoke about it so he won't feel put out!

So, the 'oh my god you didn't invite your brother' is derailing the thread!

It's simple, as others have suggested. Give him the two room option with a deadline of a few days to get back to you, if neither suit then they either don't come or they book their own accommodation.

I love a twin room! DH really annoys me with his twitching and duvet stealing. Don't see the huge issue with twin beds and I would much prefer an Ensuite.

user1474652148 · 21/01/2018 17:38

To SIL and dp thank them for their honesty and you have acknowledged dp is now not able to come. Tell SIL you hope she can still come either way and perhaps suggest a celebratory meal later in the year,
Invite your brother immediately and if necessary help with the flight.
This is the solution

LemonysSnicket · 21/01/2018 17:40

Does he have IBS or chrones? Could be worried about a flare up. Although then they should really have just stayed in the twin.

Beeziekn33ze · 21/01/2018 17:58

I think OP has eloped to Gretna Green!

SoupDragon · 21/01/2018 17:59

SoupDragon YOUR parents. YOUR Completely different to sharing with someone else's family to celebrate something that really doesn't have anything to do with you.

There were in laws and a partner in my head count. I consider them all family. One we’ve never met before.

Guess what. NO ONE whinged! Possibly because we aren’t spoilt brats.

SoupDragon · 21/01/2018 18:01

One person we’ve never met before. Well, obviously some of the family had met them or that would be weird.

HolyShet · 21/01/2018 18:11

"No can do but you are welcome to stay in other accommodation nearby if you'd prefer (but we can't afford to cover the cost)"

I'd offer them the coach house instead actually, might be a bit of distance?

Hygge · 21/01/2018 18:18

Holy - the OP said she and her fiancé don't have an en-suite in the coach house either, so that's probably unacceptable to him too.

Delatron · 21/01/2018 18:22

Don't understand who the OP is sharing a bathroom with in the Coach House then? Random people??
I assumed it was like a hotel room in the main bit.

DivisionBelle · 21/01/2018 18:33

Why is it ‘horrible’ to sleep in a single bed? Maybe pushed up next to the other twin bed?

Are people really this princessy and fussy?

If you were my IL, BrimFire, I wouldn’t actually want to spend the weekend with you.

I like people who relax and can happily drop ‘best behaviour’ (without descending into ‘Shsmeless’) and be social.

Perhaps the OP and her DP have planned this weekend because they are a good match for each other in having similiar family dynamics, know their families get on, and will have a good time. Except for MrLordFlaunteroy BIL.

BrimFire · 21/01/2018 18:48

SoupDragon - I still don't think you can speak for that one person who wasn't part of the family. They may have been polite and not made a fuss, they may not have had a better offer but I imagine they actually weren't delighted about sharing a loo with 11 others.

And Christmas is different because it's everyone's celebration. You know you have to do it somewhere. A wedding is someone else's event.

He knows he has to come but he wants a room that makes it worth it. He might be a 6 footer which makes single beds uncomfortable or not be comfortable about what will end up a a shared bathroom.

Louiselouie0890 · 21/01/2018 18:48

I'd definitely say there no room for them to move you have already moved them already and there more than welcome not to celebrate and you can invite your brother who actually wants to come

BrimFire · 21/01/2018 18:52

I hate single beds and I'm small. Unless you are used to them or you don't have a choice ie work , they won't make for a good nights sleep.

TheAntiBoop · 21/01/2018 19:11

It's her wedding. She has invited her sister and partner who is very new to the family. She has tried to be welcoming but they are being very demanding. If he has such a problem it would be more polite to make his excuses

This isn't a holiday centred around him and it is absurd to be putting his wants at the top of op's list.

ChocolateWombat · 21/01/2018 19:13

Brim, would your dislike of single beds make you choose not to attend a family wedding or the wedding of your partners family? Would you put your dislike aside and go anyway?

Brim, would you accept that in cottages and large houses, some of the bedrooms are bound to have single beds and so someone will need to sleep in them?

Again, I remain surprised about how little people are prepared to put the,selves out, even for family or family of their partner. I'm surprised about how people have these preferences or dislikes for little things and seem absolutely unable to contemplate deviating from them or coping with something different, even for one or two days or nights.

It just makes me think people are ridiculously delicate and pander to themselves, and also that they only ever think about their own wants and needs. This sense of 'I don't like.....so I won't be .....' just seems so self indulgent to me.

bengalcat · 21/01/2018 19:18

If they don't wish to stay in the accomodation you're providing that's fine - they can stay and pay for a hotel nearby or decline the invite

expatinscotland · 21/01/2018 19:19

Start as you mean to go on, OP. If you start kowtowing to her unreasonable diva demands, she'll expect you to do it forever.

Uterusuterusgarlic · 21/01/2018 19:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HolyShet · 21/01/2018 19:44

Actually changed my mind

Groom to be - for it is his sister, yes? - ring up and says "oh well, you'll have to share with mum then, your choice"

SoupDragon · 21/01/2018 20:02

SoupDragon - I still don't think you can speak for that one person who wasn't part of the family. They may have been polite and not made a fuss, they may not have had a better offer but I imagine they actually weren't delighted about sharing a loo with 11 others.

Yes, they were polite. Unlike the DP in the OP who is stamping his foot like a petulant little brat and demanding everyone bows down to his accommodation requests.

He knows he has to come but he wants a room that makes it worth it.

Then he can pay for his own personal accommodation to suit his preciousness.

Whether it is Christmas or the wedding of someone close to your partner is irrelevant. It’s a sad state of affairs when you see the wedding of someone close to the person you love as “someone else’s event”. What a horrible way to live.

Oh, and if you’d read properly you’d see that I said bathrooms There wasn’t one toilet between 11 of us 🙄

BrimFire · 21/01/2018 21:47

Ha that is a relief Soup ( in more ways than one).

Chocolate but he is putting himself out. Most weddings require a night or maybe two in a hotel somewhere. Hotels have double beds, ensuites and a cooked breakfast at a time that suits you. You are not holed up in a cottage with the in laws for the weekend.

StrangeLookingParasite · 21/01/2018 22:59

Hands up who would like to spend a whole weekend in one cottage with 14 people half of whom you don't know as they are in laws family and have to endure planned entertainment all weekend?

How many of you would be up for that, paid for or not?

It'd be fine. It's only a couple of days.

I agree with Wombat about the level of preciousness. So many princesses. I'm very happy to be not the least bit like that.

RavenWings · 21/01/2018 23:21

He knows he has to come but he wants a room that makes it worth it.

That makes it worth it? You get what you pay for, and this stay is FREE. He is not in a position to be making demands as to what is worth it. If it's completely unbearable, he should rent a room elsewhere.

I really don't see why a slight compromise on his ideal is so difficult for this fella. Sometimes in life, you need to do things you don't want to. That's just being an adult. OP has tried to accommodate his wishes, a little give is needed from him along with the take.

ChasedByBees · 22/01/2018 01:26

Hands up who would like to spend a whole weekend in one cottage with 14 people half of whom you don't know as they are in laws family and have to endure planned entertainment all weekend?

How many of you would be up for that, paid for or not?

I think it’d be fun but I really like meeting new people and with 14, there’s bound to be someone nice to chat with.

Fionne · 22/01/2018 05:00

How many of you would be up for that, paid for or not?

I'd do it and enjoy it. Its always nice to meet new people even if you're never going to see them again. Not everything has to be deep and meaningful and lead to long term friendships. It can be just nice to spend time with others for a short while before going your own way.