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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re child maintenance payments

158 replies

Blankscreen · 20/01/2018 21:04

DSS is 13. Dh and I have been together for 10 years and during that time dss mother has been very difficult over access and just being generally obstructive. Never allowing more than 2 nights a weeks due to maintenance payments decreasing. We currently pay £700 a month for DSS and have him 2 nights a week.

Anyway long story short DSS has said that he wants to live with us. She's refused and it has gone to court and has been granted.

DSS mother now needs to pay us maintenance. Here's the thing she has asked if we can let her off as she can't afford it.

Dh was willing to agree to a family arrangement.
Aibu to say no way and pursue her through CMS.

It works out about £300 a month she needs to pay.

Dh has always paid maintenance never once missed it, ever.

Wtf.

OP posts:
Winosaurus · 20/01/2018 21:05

YANBU at all... she needs to pay

BitchQueen90 · 20/01/2018 21:06

If DSS is living with you full time she should pay. YANBU. Will she be having him overnight at all?

ThisLittleKitty · 20/01/2018 21:06

Cms will let her pay through a family arrangement at first (direct pay) unless she keeps missing payments. I know this because I've spoken to them about it recently.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/01/2018 21:07

CMS. She’s owes her child the money exactly the same as your DH did when DSS was resident with her.

Don’t bother to discuss it. Just open a claim.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 20/01/2018 21:34

Yeah, you stick that boot right in and drag her before the CMS just as soon as you possibly can.

The CMS will give a family based arrangement the opportunity to work. If it doesn’t, then you can use the CMS to collect and pay the related charges.

IwantalltheDogs · 20/01/2018 21:44

YANBU. Definitely go to CMS if she refuses to contribute.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/01/2018 22:50

Not quite sure what your point is ohreallyohreallyoh?

Why should OPs DH feel bad for getting what his ex owes their child?

He paid her what was due when it was the other way round. Is it because she’s a woman that she doesn’t owe her child money?

ohreallyohreallyoh · 21/01/2018 00:09

Never said she shouldn’t pay. But the involvement of the CMS is not the OP’s decision to make. Her partner is happy to try and work it out between them - and thus avoiding any further bad feeling and ultimately the loss of mo eh on both sides where fees are paid. What the OP wants is for everyone to pile in and say how awful the ex is.

Original poster
Blankscreen · 21/01/2018 00:23

No actually dh was happy to go with a direct pay agreement to save involving the CMS who we know from bitter experience are nightmare to deal with in the past ex would never agree to deal.directly even though dh offered the full amount etc. She always insisted it went through CMS.
The family agreement ex wants is to pay nothing.
I've said no way if she won't pay we need to force her hand.
Dh is feeling a bit bad about everything.

Also it is my issue to deal.with. dh and I are married and share finances so money into and out of the family pot is my concern.

Tbh we could do we an extra £1000 a month.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 21/01/2018 00:36

The ex is awful. She’s choosing not to support her son. That’s piss poor parenting.

Everyone piles on to berate deadbeat non or underpaying dads.

OP knows what this person is like. She’s trying to support her DP and her DSS and will already be experiencing the additional costs of him living with them now, which I’m sure she’ll be happy with, but the ex now owes her son’s residential household child support.

OP, you’ve all had a lot of change and the court case won’t have been easy.

Cut out the drama and if she won’t be reasonable make it official, the system is crap but it’s there precisely to deal with non paying non resident parents.

She knows how much it costs to keep and raise a child.

PatriciaHolm · 21/01/2018 00:44

Well, you are going to be 700 a month better off immediately not paying CMS, aren't you?

Realistically, we only have one side of the story here, and not the child's side. Would it cause her genuine hardship to pay, honestly? She's just had her child change residency, so you want to turn the screw?

citybzg · 21/01/2018 00:48

There must be a massive back story to this.

worridmum · 21/01/2018 00:49

but why should dads get a hard time when they dont pay maintance but a mother should not have too because she lost custudy the bloody double standards on here.

OP go through CMS she has a child and needs to pay for it, while its sad shes not the RP anymore she is NO different to NRP dads out we can not have a double standard here no ifs no buts go through CMS.

ThisLittleKitty · 21/01/2018 00:51

Why do you need an extra £1000 a month?

worridmum · 21/01/2018 00:55

Why does a RP need CM in the first place? why does a NRP need to pay.

These questions do not matter she is the NRP now so needs to pay CM no if no buts.

thislittlekitty You would not ask a mother (or RP) why she needs the extra money from the NRP why do you think you should ask in this case? just because its the dad who is the RP?

user256789 · 21/01/2018 01:01

I can't imagine there is a massive backstory.

please give me an example of any child which costs £700 a month that isn't privately educated?

quite simply, mother has maintained life through CM payments and now it has gone she is short.

She is down by hundreds and now has to pay for herself, hence cant afford it.

when I split from my EX I went back to uni to do a 4-year degree, and only accepted £100 a month CM money(realistically other than clothes and presents child doesn't cost more than £200 a month).

I personally think its a joke that fathers are forced to pay such large amounts. If you cannot afford to provide for your child full time, , allow the parent who can, to have the child full time. it's bloody mental.

I am not for one minute saying the other parent shouldn't contribute but i know mothers who are better off on tax credits, housing benefit and a large sum of CM payments than I am working a fulltime professional job!!

maybaby17 · 21/01/2018 01:01

Def make her pay it, I think she has a bit of a cheek on her suggesting that

Cms will work out payments and allow her to pay you directly. Contact them to report each and every one missed so it is logged and can be recovered as arrears, if not reported it may not be able to be recovered.

If husband feels bad about it (which he shouldn't) you could suggest putting this money aside separately for DSS to be used as you see fit or given to him when he's older?

And to the poster who asked what do you need an extra 1k for? I could certainly for with an extra few grand a month to see me right and stop me worrying about money - couldn't we all???

citybzg · 21/01/2018 01:04

I can't imagine there is a massive backstory

There has to be. You don't just nip to court and have custody given just like that!

user256789 · 21/01/2018 01:06

City-

it really is that simple.

we have just done the same with my stepdaughter. when a child is 12, they can pretty much choose where they want to live and as long as the other parent can care for the child well then that's what happens.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 21/01/2018 01:09

These amounts don't add up. If he's paying £700 a month he's on a decebt wage, so not sure why you 'need' £1000 a month. You sound resentful tbh.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 21/01/2018 01:12

These amounts don't add up. If he's paying £700 a month he's on a decebt wage, so not sure why you 'need' £1000 a month. You sound resentful tbh.

FFS. It's for the DC not for the parent.

HTH

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/01/2018 01:12

Yes, she’s now down on the £700 a month she was getting when she was the RP and she’s also down the costs of keeping a child nearly full time.

Not sure what sort of “backstory” people are imagining. For reasons the court believed, DSS is now going to have a better life living with his dad. This means his mum gets to contribute towards his costs like his dad did in the past. She’ll get a reduction for any overnights she has contact. Exactly the same as his dad did.

She owes the money TO HER CHILD and I’ve never seen people on MN making excuses for a non paying dad. Two people are financially responsible for this child. She CAN afford it. It’s a tiny % of her income.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 21/01/2018 01:13

"
I personally think its a joke that fathers are forced to pay such large amounts. If you cannot afford to provide for your child full time, , allow the parent who can, to have the child full time. it's bloody mental."

Hahaha, seriously? If my ex stopped paying the £1200 maintenance my kids get, and he had to look after them, he wouldn't be able to work and the childcare bill would be far more. It's not that simple.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 21/01/2018 01:14

Yes Piglet, I'm aware. I was saying that the amounts are a bit weird, that's all.

TabbyTigger · 21/01/2018 01:16

YANBU. She is definitely BU!!

She needs to pay. No ifs or buts - that’s just how it works. I also can’t see why she’d want to begrudge her son extra funds, it sounds pretty selfish to me.

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