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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re child maintenance payments

158 replies

Blankscreen · 20/01/2018 21:04

DSS is 13. Dh and I have been together for 10 years and during that time dss mother has been very difficult over access and just being generally obstructive. Never allowing more than 2 nights a weeks due to maintenance payments decreasing. We currently pay £700 a month for DSS and have him 2 nights a week.

Anyway long story short DSS has said that he wants to live with us. She's refused and it has gone to court and has been granted.

DSS mother now needs to pay us maintenance. Here's the thing she has asked if we can let her off as she can't afford it.

Dh was willing to agree to a family arrangement.
Aibu to say no way and pursue her through CMS.

It works out about £300 a month she needs to pay.

Dh has always paid maintenance never once missed it, ever.

Wtf.

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 21/01/2018 10:19

Of course she should pay.

I would give her exactly as much consideration as she gave me (DH) when I had to pay - i.e. if she let me make a private arrangement, then she can too. If she let me off without paying anything, then she can too.

OTOH if she insisted on going through the CMS for the CMS-calculated amount, then that's what she'll have to do too.

wheresthel1ght · 21/01/2018 10:19

A supposition based on normal events and now backed up by the ops latest post

Allthewaves · 21/01/2018 10:22

I'd have no discussion about this. Use the cms calculator and tell her that the amount you will be expecting either weekly or monthly and first time she doesn't pay you will go through cms

thethoughtfox · 21/01/2018 10:26

Can she afford it?

thethoughtfox · 21/01/2018 10:31

Just your last post. She needs to pay. Go through CMS.

Thierryhenryneedisaymore · 21/01/2018 10:32

Yellow
What utter bollocks.
Of course it is some business of the OP. Yes it us for her partner to do the negotiations if needed but to say its none of her business is ridiculous.
They are a family. Her husband's financial comittments are obviously going to affect her and their family.
Am guessing you have perhaps been that god fucking awful having a go at stepmum every chance you get. Just getting an impression.

Winosaurus · 21/01/2018 10:33

Why are people asking if she can afford it? CMS isn’t some random figure plucked out of thin air! It’s 15% of her income which leaves her 85% to live on! Of course she can afford it!!!

Alittleconcerned1980 · 21/01/2018 10:35

I receive £1490 a month for my 2 school aged children. Neither attend private school.

The comments that “no child costs £1000 a month” are so ignorant.

  1. It’s about what that child was used to pre divorce. Why should they suffer a deterioration in what they’re used to?
  1. If I wasn’t the RP I would move to a much cheaper place and wouldn’t have a garden and need to be so close to their school . However I chose to take on the mortgage of current family Home so a) the children weren’t uprooted and b) they had their own room and access to a lovely garden. This costs money. A lot.
Thierryhenryneedisaymore · 21/01/2018 10:48

Winosauraus.

Had mother been a bit more flexible and decent when it was her in receipt of the maintenance then perhaps she would get some leeway now. As it is she behaved poorly, clearly saw the money as mostly hers, did not save anywhere near what she could / should have for their child's future from the money she received, and that is disgraceful.

Given she was a reasonable earner in her own right she would we can presume have been expected to pay for some things for child's upkeep from her own money and she received 700 to boot from dad for their child in top, she should have saved a decent amount of that money for the child.

She didn't. She spent the vast majority of it. She wanted the money to add to her disposable income and now she is crying poverty. Suck it up i am afraid.

That said, due to the fact that Dad will now receive 300 and no longer be losing 700 i would be putting some money into a savings account for the child to make up for the wasted years when Mum didn't.

It is about trying to do the right thing for thd child. Too many parents just see pound signs and use child maintenance to subsidise their own lifestyle choices.

There are many crap NRPs who pay too little / nothing. Also inexcusable and disgusting.

Mother has not been decent in this situation, father sounds the better parent.

CheeseyToast · 21/01/2018 11:04

Of course it isn't unreasonable to expect financial contributions towards the child's upkeep but you do sound bitter and resentful OP.
Why on earth would you be expecting his mother to have saved the CM for a uni fund? How very inappropriate of you to judge how she should be spending.

Alittleconcerned1980 · 21/01/2018 11:14

Given OP part time solicitor and DP obviously on very high income to have been paying >£700 a month for one child, I was baffled why such a screaming issue for the OP.

If you look at recent posts from OP it becomes clear why this is such an issue. In very serious financial debt.

Fattymcfaterson · 21/01/2018 11:18

Failing to see what the OP's debt has to do with a MOTHER paying for her CHILD.

Bunch of hypocritical cunts on this post.

OnionKnight · 21/01/2018 11:20

If you look at recent posts from OP it becomes clear why this is such an issue. In very serious financial debt.

What has that got to do with anything?

Alittleconcerned1980 · 21/01/2018 11:23

Because if you are very wealthy it’s unlikely that you would get extremely worker up about £300 a month, irrespective of the moral dimension to it (fact that a NRP should contribute to their child).

Enidthecat · 21/01/2018 11:24

This thread is batshit! So because she's a woman she should be let off! Wtf! Op and dh aren't going to be instantly £700 better off because clearly some of that will be spent on bigger gas/electric/ food bills, uniform, bus fair, pocket money and whatever else.

If this was a bloke asking to be "let off" nobody would be saying well is he hard up? They'd be saying no fucking chance mate.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 21/01/2018 11:24

did not save anywhere near what she could / should have for their child's future from the money she received, and that is disgraceful

Jesus wept. Seen it all now. Child maintenance is not a payment that is meant to be saved. Fair enough if some of it can be saved, then go ahead and save it, but there is no expectation of this.

Seems whatever we do, PWC are just greedy money grabbing scum, eh?

Blackteadrinker77 · 21/01/2018 11:25

She has to pay, why should she not pay for her son?

Enidthecat · 21/01/2018 11:37

This happens a lot though. Dss used to live with ex and now has chosen to live with us (12 at the time)

She didn't want to pay maintenance because why should she (her reasoning is that we have two incomes. Well Yes, we do but we also have another child and an enormous nursery bill)

When we paid maintenance we paid reccomended amount plus more on top and uniform, trips, contributions to holidays dad went on with his mum.

When he moved in he came with barely any clothes and his mum now pays us £25 odd a week and doesn't contribute to anything else.

He doesn't even have a bed at his mum's any mote because she moved her adult son back in the day after dss moved in with us. Oh and she doesn't reliably see him. She drops him off early and refuses to see him half the time.

Some women seem to think maintenance/access only works one way.

VelvetSpoon · 21/01/2018 11:39

You reap what you sow I'm afraid. If you're happy to claim CM as the RP, and stick to what the CMS state rather than accepting any less, then you can't complain when the boot is on the other foot and the new RP claims the full amount from you.

There's an element of lack of forward planning here too. It's the same with some RPs who are unhappy when maintenance payments stop at 18. 're payments don't and won't last forever. Rather than being woe is me about it the best thing to do is to put plans in place as soon as you can that by the time your kids are 11+, you're not relying on that money any more. Because it is going to stop some time. There's no reason why, once children are 11 and provided there are no SN, you can't work FT.

PinkHeart5914 · 21/01/2018 11:40

So she was more than happy to take maintenance but Nina the boot is on the other foot, she doesn’t want to pay? Fuck that, she is the one that now needs to pay so she does

All parents Male or female that need to pay maintenance bloody well should

outofmydepth45 · 21/01/2018 11:41

I can't believe some of the replies! A NRP should always be financially supporting their child ! CMS will calculate the minimum (!) Percentage

Fattymcfaterson · 21/01/2018 11:44

Because if you are very wealthy it’s unlikely that you would get extremely worker up about £300 a month

ODFOD

user256789 · 21/01/2018 11:47

I don't know why people say it's their 'kids' money. That is simply not true. It is to maintain your life just as much as theirs and if it wasn't, you wouldn't be seeing posts on here about women who were whining that their ex-wanted to reduce their payments from £1000 to £700.

I cannot honestly be the only mother out there that doesn't take the full amount of maintenance because I believe I ALSO need to financially support my own child?!!

The father has to pay for a home, bills etc just as much as the mothers do.

if my daughter ever has a school trip, needs clothes or whatnot, myself and my partner split it in half.

I am not begrudging mothers who accept a higher amount, just be bloody grateful for what you get!

user256789 · 21/01/2018 11:48

sorry! posted that on the wrong thread...

ThisLittleKitty · 21/01/2018 11:51

Whoops my mistake I read it as the op wanting £1000 maintenance rather than the £700 back plus the £300. Very tired last night. That's fair enough.
Although plenty of dads get off not paying cm so I don't agree with those saying men don't get let off.