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AIBU?

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Original poster

Re child maintenance payments

158 replies

Blankscreen · 20/01/2018 21:04

DSS is 13. Dh and I have been together for 10 years and during that time dss mother has been very difficult over access and just being generally obstructive. Never allowing more than 2 nights a weeks due to maintenance payments decreasing. We currently pay £700 a month for DSS and have him 2 nights a week.

Anyway long story short DSS has said that he wants to live with us. She's refused and it has gone to court and has been granted.

DSS mother now needs to pay us maintenance. Here's the thing she has asked if we can let her off as she can't afford it.

Dh was willing to agree to a family arrangement.
Aibu to say no way and pursue her through CMS.

It works out about £300 a month she needs to pay.

Dh has always paid maintenance never once missed it, ever.

Wtf.

OP posts:
CherryChasingDotMuncher · 21/01/2018 01:17

These amounts don't add up. If he's paying £700 a month he's on a decebt wage, so not sure why you 'need' £1000 a month

Do you understand the concept of maintenance dear?

For an extra 20-25 days a month they're going to have a teenage boy who needs 3 meals a day, a shower every day, the use of electricity and gas, Clothes, pocket money, money for activities, to be driven about in the Taxi of Stepmum and Dad, and everything else that comes with raising a child.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 21/01/2018 01:20

If this thread was about a bloke refusing to pay maintenance to the OP she would get no end of support (rightly so), so why not the other way round? Is there some projecting going on here?

ohreallyohreallyoh · 21/01/2018 01:21

everyone piles on to berate deadbeat non or underpaying dads

No. They really don’t. That’s why the non-payment of maintenance is socially acceptable and thousands of women out there are living with men who don’t support existing children. Berating of ‘greedy single mum’s on benefits’ is much more the norm.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 21/01/2018 01:27

This reply has been deleted

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BoomBoomsCousin · 21/01/2018 01:33

YANBU to pursue her for the money instead of saying she doesn't need to pay anything. But I would give her a quite a few months to sort things out. She probably needs to make a whole bunch of changes to her living situation to adjust to such a huge change in income, and she will likely have spent the last 13 years taking a hit to her earning potential to provide the care your DSS required. She has probably been a bit short sighted about her financial situation if she's really been resisting custody changes in order to preserve CM, but it will still hit your DSS if his mum is forced into fast changes that aren't sensible in the long-term.

Abouttoblow · 21/01/2018 01:33

I don't get how fathers are berated for not supporting their children when they are the NRP but when the shoe is on the other foot it's
Why do you need another £1000 a month

What the fuck??

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/01/2018 01:35

On MN, yes they absolutely do.

And is it fair that because dead beat dads get away without supporting their kids in this particular case it’s better the deadbeat mum just washes her hands of the cost of her son’s upbringing so the pendulum can swing the other way?

We should all care that no child loses out because no NRPs get away with fucking off and deciding as the kid doesn’t live with them it’s not their problem said kid has food, clothes and a warm home.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 21/01/2018 01:36

If she’s not willing to financially support her child she’s a tossed who needs to be forced to

VimFuego101 · 21/01/2018 01:37

Of course she should pay something, and unless you and your partner have entirely separate finances, you should get a say in this.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 21/01/2018 01:57

Oh ffs, I worded it badly. I meant that, if you've been paying 1000 a month, can't you see how it would be difficult for her to not only drop that amount, but to start paying as well?

I meant that the figures don't add up (in that they seem incorrect given the info)
..

But please, all of you, please continue to berate me. I am in receipt of child maintenance for my children, I know more than a little bit about it

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 21/01/2018 02:09

I do, thanks, since I'm receipt of it.

Really? What do you need it for?

WhistlerGrey · 21/01/2018 02:09

The original 700 paid to the ex wife/DSS added to the 300 now to be paid from the ex wife to the OP and her husband/DSS is the 1000.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 21/01/2018 02:10

TBH if I didn't have my kids to pay for I'd be more than £1000 a month better off.

KanielOutis · 21/01/2018 07:15

Did the mother claim child benefits and tax credits? She could be losing an absolute fortune. Still, swings and roundabouts, it's now her turn to pay.

Ilovetolurk · 21/01/2018 07:24

I agree with BoomBoomsCousin

Of course she needs to pay but she is going to have to adjust to a £1k drop in income so a bit of flexibility for a few months would be kind

JollyJuniper · 21/01/2018 07:30

Of course she needs to pay. She's been a big fan of the CMS before and suddenly she's not now? Funny that.

OnionKnight · 21/01/2018 07:35

She needs to pay, I don't know why some posters are making excuses for her.

Oh wait, I do know why.

MaisyPops · 21/01/2018 07:57

When Dad was the NRP, he paid FOR HIS CHILD.
Now Mum id the NRP, she must pay FOR HER CHILD.

It's the mumsnet double standard rearing its head in places here. Mums must be awesome and dads must be crap. Dads are deadbeats if they only see their child EOW and aren't half the dad of mum's new partner. Mums however can't be faulted. Mumd can be dicks about access and that's fine because 'it's all about the child' usually a bitter woman point scoring with her child and being annoyed when dad gets a new partner but a man misses it once and he should lose the right to see his kids.

In the OP's situation the mother has to pay. Why should people handle her with kid gloves? Sounds like she was quite happy to keep her DC to live off the CM payments and was crap about access yo be awkward and keep her meal ticket.

You sound great OP. Hope it works oit

ClaryFray · 21/01/2018 08:02

Take her to CMS. She brought the child into the world she has a legal and moral responsibility to pay towards up bringing.

She doesn't need a few months to settle. She owes the money now. She's an adult. It'll be a portion of her income. She has to deal with it.

AutumnalTed · 21/01/2018 08:10

Reverse the situation. Of course she can’t just not pay, how ridiculous

RadioGaGoo · 21/01/2018 08:14

A few months to settle? I bet she wouldn't have afforded the OP and her DH if they had trouble one month paying CM.

She absolutely needs to pay. What sort of mother asks not to have to pay for the care of her child?

pullingmyhairout1 · 21/01/2018 08:18

I'm not the NRP in this situation but I have recently had my two go and live with their Dad. No reason other than relocation due to work and them wanting to stay where they were, so I didn't fight it.

When that happened I lost about £600 per month income, and have to pay out £300 per month in child support. On top of that I've had to move to an expensive area so had to take a larger mortgage out, etc.

Finding that extra £900 per month and adjusting my lifestyle has not been easy. Never mind the emotional turmoil. I did it though.

My dp has increased his contribution to the household, and we have cut down on going out, and food etc but we are not on the breadline and can manage.

This mother so soon after court is probably still reeling from the trauma. Instead of using a sledgehammer to crack a nut why don't you see if she can afford something, as oppose to nothing and be gentle. It's taken me 5 months to stop crying!

stickytoffeevodka · 21/01/2018 08:23

Interesting replies.

"Put the boot in after she's lost her child"
"Maybe she was relying on maintenance to survive and now can't afford to look after herself let alone pay for a child"
"Give her a few months for things to settle"

What the actual fuck? Children still need food, clothes and uniforms regardless of who they live with and when they moved there. When men leave relationships, the replies are more along the lines of "get the ball rolling with CMS straight away - he needs to pay for his kids" so why is it different when it's a woman involved?

Downwiththatsortofthing252 · 21/01/2018 08:37

She needs to pay, or else she's a deadbeat mum. It can be tough to adjust of course, but CMS will have taken that £300 as a portion of her income, how many other posters say CMS payments from dads are too low?!

If your DP is feeling bad, then maybe give a month or two grace/lower payments? Only so he can feel better though! But you know the situation best OP, and whether the mum will take advantage or not. A family arrangement of £0 permanently?! Don't let her away with that!

squiglet111 · 21/01/2018 08:43

What's the mother's situation? Is she remarried with other children? Is she single and just had her son? Does she work?

Even though it will cost her less in food and clothes she would still have the other costs to pay. If she claimed housing benefit will she get penalised for having a spare room? If she rents or owns her rent/mortgage still needs to be paid. Anyone would struggle with a loss of £700 a month. Plus having to pay out to support son, and actually losing residency of her son. A lot to deal with.

Still tho, she was happy to not worry about financial implications on her ex paying £700 a month, so she can't expect any special treatment now that the shoe is on the other foot!

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