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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re child maintenance payments

158 replies

Blankscreen · 20/01/2018 21:04

DSS is 13. Dh and I have been together for 10 years and during that time dss mother has been very difficult over access and just being generally obstructive. Never allowing more than 2 nights a weeks due to maintenance payments decreasing. We currently pay £700 a month for DSS and have him 2 nights a week.

Anyway long story short DSS has said that he wants to live with us. She's refused and it has gone to court and has been granted.

DSS mother now needs to pay us maintenance. Here's the thing she has asked if we can let her off as she can't afford it.

Dh was willing to agree to a family arrangement.
Aibu to say no way and pursue her through CMS.

It works out about £300 a month she needs to pay.

Dh has always paid maintenance never once missed it, ever.

Wtf.

OP posts:
Thierryhenryneedisaymore · 21/01/2018 08:43

Unless there are private school fees to consider does any child (or two) really cost 1000 plus to look after. And that's only one parental contribution and before even considering contribution from RP's own money - from their own salary /benefits.

Considering maintenance isn't means tested then the RP has that on top of whatever other income he / she has - salary / benefits.

I know there has to be a formula but some kids must have bloody huge savings accounts!!!!!

RadioGaGoo · 21/01/2018 08:43

Genuine question, but if children have gone to live with another parent, how is it 'losing income' when you do not receive CMS anymore? I can understand you are losing if you have to pay it, but if CMS is for children, you don't need it because you are not paying extra for them. Or is that too simplistic?

CheeseyToast · 21/01/2018 08:52

So many posts here are staggeringly harsh and ignorant.

In a perfect world, yes of course the mother should accept the court's decision that her child leaves her care, and to adjust overnight to receiving no child maintenance, tax credits and any other child-related payments.

However this is hugely simplistic. She has spent years as main carer for her child and no doubt this has curtailed her earning ability. Of course she needs time to make the transition from £-recipient to £-payer. However "right" it is doesn't make it immediately so-able. She may have to move to a smaller home and take on extra work. That takes longer than 24hrs.

It is not a complete reversal of the previous arrangement as the child's father appears to have a new wife to run the household and fight his battles while he devotes himself to his career. As is so frequently the case 🙄

KatnissMellark · 21/01/2018 08:55

To the posters asking how a child can cost £1000 a month...that is less than my son's nursery fees, so yes, they can. Obviously in this situation the children are older so that doesn't apply. But they can and do cost that much, and I don't see why RP should stall their careers while NRPs can press on, particularly when situations like this can arise layer down the line.

MaisyPops · 21/01/2018 09:01

It is not a complete reversal of the previous arrangement as the child's father appears to have a new wife to run the household and fight his battles while he devotes himself to his career
The OP hasn't said she runs the house. And even if she did, how they organsise their marriage has nothing to do with the non resident parent paying maintenance for their child.

We see threads where women are calling non resident fathers all thr names under the sun for only paying CMS minimum or finding it tougg to pay one month because of an unexpected bill and yet here some people think that when it's a mother she should get off lightly because she's their mum.

honeylulu · 21/01/2018 09:01

Well, if the mother's income is low then the CMS sum will be lower accordingly. She won't have to pay more than she can afford and yes, she should bloody well contribute to the costs of raising her child (as his father did when he was NRP).

I'm baffled by those complaining that the sums charged to higher earning NRP's are too high "because it doesn't cost £1000 a month to raise a child". The sum is a percentage of the NRP's income and is meant to reflect the child's share of the lifestyle he/ she would have, were the parents still together. Are posters really suggesting that an NRP, male or female, should pay a mere pittance (proportionately speaking) if they are in a job that leaves them rolling in dosh?

Remember too that whilst it might not literally cost £1000 a month to feed and clothe a child once you add in stuff like childcare (or "invisible" loss of income for a parent who gave up or downscaled a career to be a primary carer) or phone contracts, school trips, holidays etc then it really does add up.

Thierryhenryneedisaymore · 21/01/2018 09:06

Sorry i should have said no childcare or private school fees, not just private school.

MsSquiz · 21/01/2018 09:09

The OP and her DH would not £1000 better off a month as they will have an extra mouth to feed for a full month rather than 8 days a month! As well as paying for clothes, and additional costs that go along with having a 14 year old...

ivykaty44 · 21/01/2018 09:10

What ever the story, whatever the ins and outs

You pay maintenance for your children

The amount is set at 15% if income, therefore £300 is 15% of this NRP income.

To be honest if she advices she wants to pay zero, rather than can I start pay £20 a week whilst I sort my finances. It’s a big fat zero...

ivykaty44 · 21/01/2018 09:14

I thought the £1000 a month was a combination of the now RP not paying £700 and the now NRP paying £300

So I don’t get all the posts about a £1000 a month to raise a child 🤷‍♂️

KayaG · 21/01/2018 09:18

She's a cheeky mare. She has to pay.

CousinChloe · 21/01/2018 09:19

It must be right that she should pay, but I can imagine it's hard to suddenly save a the money she was spending looking after her son to give to you. For example, she used to need a house big enough for him to live in - downsizing to suit the new arrangement does take time, that money is not going to be immediately available. This is a bit more complex than when one of two resident parents ups and leaves the other with the kids. But yes, in time, she needs to pay.

Tinkerbec · 21/01/2018 09:24

While it must be horrendous to happen. I can’t even imagine how awful for the Mother.

However, my ex would argue that during a break up men are often ‘ chucked’ out of the family home knowing the mother will get custody. They have nowhere to live . They will no longer see their children everyday and they now have to pay 15-25 percent of their salary to the RP. Are they allowed a few months to adjust?

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/01/2018 09:25

It’s the same % of her income as the CMS says all NRPs should pay. And if she’s having any overnights at, it’s not a bad income based on the figure.

ButchyRestingFace · 21/01/2018 09:27

Do you have any idea why the ex is claiming she can't afford it, OP?

Is the woman unemployed and/or disabled and on benefits? Is she living off DLA/PIP?

If none of the above apply, then yes, of course she should pay - without question.

wheresthel1ght · 21/01/2018 09:40

For the cms amount to be £300/month the ex must be a high earner in her own right. Dp is on approx 30k and for 2 kids the cms amount is less than £300 - although we do have them approx 50/50 most weeks the amount was worked out when arrangements were just eow. Before he is slated, he pays over £500/month as well as all school uniform, shoes and 50% of educational trips etc. It averages out as nearly £600/month across the year and she still whinges she isn't getting enough. Although as a fully qualified professional in an industry known for being high paying she refuses to work more than the bare minimum claiming child care except at 12 &. 14 they don't need it.

The double standards here are horrific. How many times in threads berating dad's who have been made redundant have posters said tough, they should maintain the original cm amount? That the stepmum ought to pay it if dad can't. Why is it now its a woman refusing to pay she should be given a grace period.

OP you are right, she needs to pay. She has deliberately and maliciously prevented contact so her cm payment remained high, now she has to pay for her child. Follow the cms, your dh is trying to be the nice guy but he needs to remember his son deserves this money.

Use it to save for a car, driving lessons, a start at uni but make sure you get it. Your dss is entitled to it

YellowMakesMeSmile · 21/01/2018 09:50

You sound like you are playing games and heavily resented paying child support so are going to do tit for tat.

This is your DHs decision to make regardless of marriage, his child his ex. He could choose to not take the child support if he so wishes given he is going to be so much better off as it doesn't cost £700 to feed and clothe a teenager.

She has just lost custody of her son and your DH is right to want to tread carefully at the moment. This has nothing to do with you.

Who knows if the child will return to her at some point. If you resent the child support payments then it goes hand in hand usually with resenting the child.

user838383 · 21/01/2018 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 21/01/2018 09:53

Of course she should pay child support, both parents should support a child but it's upto the two of them to sort out. Their new partners have nothing whatsoever to do with it.

The OP isn't anything about what the child needs but more like taking revenge she feels her DH had to pay child support for his own child.

wheresthel1ght · 21/01/2018 09:53

yellow what a load of bollocks. I resent paying cm to a woman who makes our life hell, neglects her kids, manipulates and poisons them against their dad. However I adore the bones of my dscs.

The ops dh lost custody of his son, lost his home, went from daily contact to whatever pittance his ex granted because she wanted the money so prevented contact. The op isn't at fault here. She is right that at no point has her dh been given grace by his ex so she is out of order to demand it in return

DaisysStew · 21/01/2018 10:00

I’m the first one to slam men who try and get out of maintenance. This situation is no different. She is still responsible financially for her son. Doesn’t matter if there’s ill feeling between the parents, or if everyone’s the best of friends - both parents have a responsibility to provide for the essentials for the child they made. Simple.

OnionKnight · 21/01/2018 10:08

Give her a chance to get her head around her entire world crashing around her ffs poor woman.

I have NEVER seen this on MN when it's about the dad paying CMS, it's always been 'make sure he pays NOW!'.

Annechristmas · 21/01/2018 10:11

Wheresthel1ght - where does it say the OP DH has lost his home as I can't see that in the OP posts? Have I missed it?

Original poster
Blankscreen · 21/01/2018 10:16

Ok so ex has a full time job which is relatively well.paid.

She has a house which she previously owned with Dh. She took the mortgage on which was quite low. Dh signed all the equity over to her when they split.
Whether she has remortgaged in that time we don't know.

She hasn't had any other children and hasn't remarried.

We have 2 other children and are in debt from doing a building project which gave DSS his own bedroom. We felt as he was getting older he needed his own space.

Dss and his mother haven't been getting on for a while. She kicked him out one night and he came to stay with us. Its been going on for nearly a year.

Also it transpires that the maintenance hasn't been saved towards a uni fund or anything for DSS. There is about £1000 put away and that it.

There have been lots of holidays over the years and I suspect the maintenance was subsidising them. Not bitter or jealous just the facts.

We are going to contact CMS and let them deal with it.

Thanks for the replies.

OP posts:
Lookatyourwatchnow · 21/01/2018 10:19

How the fuck can anybody say that OP's DP would be unreasonable to claim CMS? It's very simple and it really doesn't require a back story or analysis of the child's mother's personal circumstances. She's the NRP so she needs to pay. Like all other NRPs up and down the country. Why would she get a few months 'off' just because she has a vagina? It's not about her, it's about the child.